To call or not to call? Warning - LONG POST

kathryn said:
Mary, I wasn't suggesting that you were mean and heartless (my posting this before reading a subsequent post by you where you said you had figured things out may have made my post seem harsher than it was meant to be--more 'tough' than 'love', LOL!). But I'm also sure that when you first got into this relationship, you didn't envision breaking it off the way you did.

I do hope it works out for both of you. It sounds like the feelings are still there on both sides.

I wish you the best.
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Thanks, Kathryn. I might have been a bit sensitive to your post after reading some of the other ones that I felt were a bit judgemental...I started feeling like a really bad person after reading some of the responses - and I know that what I did was insensitive, cowardly and hurtful - but I did not do it with those intentions ... I was a real mess back then. I'm hoping things work out with him - but if they don't, I do know that I did what I could by making amends to him and putting it out there... and I won't have any "what ifs" (other than the "what if I had never done that STUPID STUPID thing and broke up with him?").
 
princessbear said:
Thanks, Kathryn. I might have been a bit sensitive to your post after reading some of the other ones that I felt were a bit judgemental...I started feeling like a really bad person after reading some of the responses - and I know that what I did was insensitive, cowardly and hurtful - but I did not do it with those intentions ... I was a real mess back then. I'm hoping things work out with him - but if they don't, I do know that I did what I could by making amends to him and putting it out there... and I won't have any "what ifs" (other than the "what if I had never done that STUPID STUPID thing and broke up with him?").
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Mary, you were NOT insensitive, cowardly OR hurtful. I found some of these responses pretty interesting & rather one sided.

I'm 40, I don't have kids & I don't intend to. Up until recently I was very hesitant to get involved w/a man who had children, mostly b/c the children will always be #1, & I didn't want to be #2 in a relationship. I had that w/my ex hubby & it was incredibly frustrating & hurtful to have all my wants & needs take a back seat to someone else's child. This isn't cowardly, & frankly I don't even think it's selfish. If you're dating someone w/the intent for it to last a long time, it's important to feel like you'll be a priority. And it's perfectly legitimate to shy away from that kind of situation, no matter how strong the attraction.

I've also been in emotional situations where I've blown off a guy b/c I just didn't feel ready or available. That's also legitimate.

If you weren't ready for this relationship, for whatever reason, then you did the right thing for YOU and for HIM. It wasn't stupid, it was fair. If you'd given it a try then it probably wouldn't have worked & you both would've gotten hurt much worse. Now you're ready--what's wrong w/trying to make a grab at the brass ring, if it's still hanging there? You only live once, & you don't want to look back in 20 years & say "what if........"

On a personal note, at my age & not being able to have kids, I'd be relieved to find a guy who already has them (hopefully older kids LOL). Most men--no matter at what age--want children. Most men who want children would not be interested in me. So a guy w/kid(s)would kind of take a lot of pressure off, if that makes sense. :p

So, did you meet for coffee? What happened? You can't just leave us hanging here.........;)
 
Thank you, Laura. I do know that while I was a bit messed up last Spring when I broke it off - and I DID give the kids as one of the reasons - I do know that it was not the truth - but I had convinced myself that it was the truth. On our first date, he told me he had kids. Now that was always a big no-no for me, but the connection I felt (and he felt) was SO strong, it wasn't even an issue. Very early in the relationship, he wanted me to meet his girls (8 and 11 yrs old). I REALLY wanted to - but I was also afraid they would not like me and convinced myself that he would dump me... there's so much more that was going on in my head - but too much to put down. Basically, I just got scared - scared the kids wouldn't like me and he would dump me, scared that he would get to really know me (and see some of the "bad" parts of me) and he would dump me... that I wasn't enough. I know today that I am and I didn't give him the chance - I just cut and run before he could do what I was so sure he would do.

Anyway - we met for 2 1/2 hours yesterday. I put it all out there, but also gave him an opportunity early in the conversation to say or ask what he had to say or ask. I also told him that I struggled with saying anything to him for a long time, because part of me quesioned whether or not I was being selfish by doing so - especially if it would cause him any turmoil. He totally wasn't expecting me to say I wanted another chance. At one point in the conversation there was a lull... and it was unplanned, but I just blurted out "I REALLY miss you". I caught him off guard with that and he did say he missed me to - missed what we had. But that he couldn't give me an answer without giving it some thought - it wouldn't be fair for him to jump back in if he wasn't 100% sure that he could not let what I did affect anything. I told him that I did not tell him what I told him with any real expectations, that I had HOPE, but did not really expect anything from him. I hadn't even expected that he would return my call. I let him know that I think about him every day, that every time I see him I get that same feeling as the first night we met - (not sure how to describe it here - it's like I'm getting punched in the heart, my heart stops - very Harlequin-Romance hehehe)

So, it ended with a little small talk about our families, etc. and I thanked him for meeting with me. He asked me for a hug before I left and I just didn't want to let go. I will see him tonight when I go to the meeting I go to on Monday nights, and I'm just grateful that I was able to tell him what I needed to and when I see him tonight in a crowd of people I won't feel so uncomfortable, and hopefully he won't feel so uncomfortable.

So now the waiting begins... but no matter what his decision, I am glad I did it - it was a hard thing for me to do - to take the risk to put it all out there.

Thanks, Laura, for your input.
 
Bravo to you, Mary, for being so honest and upfront!! I think that your honestly and frankness will be seen as genuine and he will be able to start over. Please let us know what happens!!

Jessica
 
Road2ANewMe said:
Bravo to you, Mary, for being so honest and upfront!! I think that your honestly and frankness will be seen as genuine and he will be able to start over. Please let us know what happens!!

Jessica
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From your lips to God's ears, Jessica. I am cautiously hopeful (do those two words even belong together?). He is a sweet, genuine guy, and I know he will give it alot of thought and won't make a decision lightly. Whatever the decision, I will accept it and respect him for it. BUT, if he does decide to give me another chance, I KNOW that I will spend every day making sure he doesn't regret it!
 
mary, i've been reading this thread but not commenting as i dont feel "qualified" to respond, but the last part of your last sentence makes me want to plant a big ol' smooch on my dh when he gets home from work!

i wish you all the best!:)
 
chefkate said:
mary, i've been reading this thread but not commenting as i dont feel "qualified" to respond, but the last part of your last sentence makes me want to plant a big ol' smooch on my dh when he gets home from work!

i wish you all the best!:)
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DO IT, KATE!:D:D:D
 
Mary, I've read this thread with great interest and I just want you to know I'm pulling for you and sending all You Go Girl good vibes your way. You took a big risk in laying everything on the line with this guy and I hope it pays off for you in the way you hope.

But, even if it doesn't now, it will. Once you've crossed that line of being honest and genuine about your hopes and fears it's hard to go back. That will color everything you set your heart and mind to going forward. In a good way.

Please keep us updated!
 
I totally agree with Suzanne. I think honesty is the best policy in a relationship and being vulnerable is good for the soul to an extent. Now that you've put it all out there, I doubt you will want to retreat again to your safe place where you take no risks but never get anywhere. Kudos to you for laying it out there and knowing well enough where you're at now to accept what happens either way.
 
Mary, I think his response is better than you might think. :) I'm sure he's nervous & a little gun shy, but the fact that he was willing to meet you, AND for 2.5 hours, makes me think you'll be hearing from him again soon.

Keep us posted!
 
No - no news. I expect him to take a while to sort through his feelings and make a decision....I'm sitting tight and will keep you all posted.
 
Road2ANewMe said:
Just checking in to see if you have heard from him yet!
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That is so weird. I was just logging on to forum to post an update - or lack of update - and then I get notification of your message! No news yet - part of me kept hoping he would call this week, but that is not realistic. When I saw him Monday night, he was standing right there at the door, talking to someone when I walked and I didn't want to stop and interrupt so I just said hi and kept moving - but we locked eyes a few times during the meeting. It has been all I can do to not call him during the week - there was so much more I wanted to say, that I "lost" in the conversation we had - but I have to sit tight and leave him alone.

I've really been going thru the motions this week, waiting - and that isn't a good thing for me to be doing. I keep telling myself that regardless of the outcome, I WILL BE OKAY. So it is in God's hands now. Today has been good, though - There is no wondering if he will call me this weekend, because he has his girls, so I can breathe and have a bit of freedom from obsessing. And I went for (too big) lunch at Olive Garden with a friend, and then saw Gran Torino. GREAT MOVIE! Felt good to be living life and enjoying it today!

I will let you know as soon as I know something. Thanks so much for asking!
 
Nope. I've seen him the past two Mondays after our talk and it appears that he is still keeping his distance, maybe even avoiding me. So either he needs more time or he's made his decision and is showing me through his actions (which is a surprise, I really thought he would at least TELL me). Initially, I was thinking I should call him or something to "clarify" and then I realized that the ball is in his court right now and all I have to do is live my life and accept things the way they are. I guess I really had hope that he would want to try again (unrealistic) and now I don't have that hope. Funny, though, but since last Monday when I last saw him, and realized that it probably wasn't going to happen with him, I've just let it go and am not obsessing. I think about him every day, WISH we could be together, but accepting that it isn't going to happen has freed me in a way and I'm not moping through life - I'm living it.

Thanks for asking!
 
To use the old cliche' - you've got closure. That's why you've stopped obsessing and it is a very good feeling, even if it's a painful good feeling.
 
dss62467 said:
To use the old cliche' - you've got closure. That's why you've stopped obsessing and it is a very good feeling, even if it's a painful good feeling.
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Exactly - and I do feel good about putting it out there - I guess, knowing him, I expected an ACTUAL response, instead of the avoidance. I still have regrets about messing up with him, but I can respect the fact that he appears to not want to try again.
 
Mary

you are very strong and good for you. I know you will find someone who is wonderful because you've grown and are kind hearted. Live your life fully as you have been and enjoy the journey.
 
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