To call or not to call? Warning - LONG POST

I think you ought to leave him alone until he makes a move. You and he are not a two-some, you would be part of a family. It's a HUGE difference.

If you could use his kids as a excuse to break up w/ him, then tell him 8 months later that you lied about that, it was just that your feelings were too intense, why should he believe you? Sorry, but it sounds flaky and I don't think any guy worth his salt as a dad should introduce flaky women to his children.

Assuming this all worked out, do you really understand what it would be to be a step mom?? All you are talking about is your feelings and how great he is. Are you ready to be a mom too? How old are his kids? Does he have an ex-wife who shares custody? How's that relationship?

I think you bolted becaues you weren't ready for a family regardless of your feelings for him. Your memories are all focused on him, not his kids. He's not single and your dreamy recollections all talk about him ALONE.
I agree with the others who posted that you need to do some more soul searching and figure out if you can have what it takes to be a great step mom AND wife.
 
Jonahnah makes a really EXCELLENT point when she mentions about being a role model for these kids! And what about their mom (I don't want the details)....but if she's still around and involved, you have to consider that as well. I have 2 kids and am dating a man with 2 kids who is divorced. The 'ex' is definitely a player in the relationship, even if it's in a GOOD way....she's still there as well. The 2 men I've dated since DH passed.....I've ALWAYS considered what kind of model they'd be for my kids.

Yeah......you've got a lot to consider and I'm a true believer that your first reaction is usually spot-on. In your case, NOT on.

Good luck!

Gayle
 
jonahnah said:
I think you ought to leave him alone until he makes a move. You and he are not a two-some, you would be part of a family. It's a HUGE difference.

If you could use his kids as a excuse to break up w/ him, then tell him 8 months later that you lied about that, it was just that your feelings were too intense, why should he believe you? Sorry, but it sounds flaky and I don't think any guy worth his salt as a dad should introduce flaky women to his children.

Assuming this all worked out, do you really understand what it would be to be a step mom?? All you are talking about is your feelings and how great he is. Are you ready to be a mom too? How old are his kids? Does he have an ex-wife who shares custody? How's that relationship?

I think you bolted becaues you weren't ready for a family regardless of your feelings for him. Your memories are all focused on him, not his kids. He's not single and your dreamy recollections all talk about him ALONE.
I agree with the others who posted that you need to do some more soul searching and figure out if you can have what it takes to be a great step mom AND wife.
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My memories are all focused on him because I never met his kids. He kept wanting me to, but I wanted to wait (we only dated for about a month). Don't think I haven't been thinking about the "whole package" - I have.

I HAVE done alot of work on myself and soulsearching - but that doesn't mean he will trust me again, and I understand that - but maybe he will - and I wanted to put it out there for him. He is NOT going to make a move on his own - even if he wants to. And I'm very clear in realizing that he may not WANT to.

It'sdifficult to explain all that transpired with us - all that has gone on in my life - in an email. I don't know why I posted about this topic. I've talked to my friends (who know me) and just thought I would get an outsiders point of view. My friends are aware of what happened back then, what I've done the past 6+ months for myself, and where I'm at now. I guess they have a better picture of it than an email can convey since they have been part of my life through it all.

Thanks, everyone, for your opinions. I actually left him a voicemail last night and just said Happy New Year and that I was hoping he would reconsider and meet me for coffee sometime. If not, I won't bother him again - and again wished him a Happy New Year. So now it is in God's hands.
 
Mary, at least you can rest somewhat, knowing you made the effort with good intentions. Good luck! I hope he responds.
 
Mary,

What kind of soul searching did you do? What kind of work have you done on yourself?

Just curious and would really like to know.

Keep us posted on how things turn out OK?

I hope the very best for you,

Janie
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RunninTeach said:
Mary, at least you can rest somewhat, knowing you made the effort with good intentions. Good luck! I hope he responds.
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You're in the minority, but thank you. He actually called me this evening and said he would like to have coffee tomorrow and talk. I'm going into this with an open mind, an open heart and complete honesty, with no expectations (at least trying not to have expectations).
 
janiejoey said:
Mary,

What kind of soul searching did you do? What kind of work have you done on yourself?

Just curious and would really like to know.

Keep us posted on how things turn out OK?

I hope the very best for you,

Janie
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I'm not sure how to answer your questions in a "concrete" way other than that I've been talking about it in therapy, praying ALOT for guidance, and writing alot... about what happened, digging deep to figure out why I did what I did (fear, insecurity, feeling like I didn't deserve someone like him).

In any event - he called this evening and wants to meet me for coffee... so all I have to do is be honest, and the rest is in God's hands.
 
I will be thinking of you tomorrow, sounds like your head is in the right place, please let us know how it goes!
 
Good luck Mary. I have my fingers crossed for your coffee date. Sending all the happiness and luck vibes I can muster up to you as I type. (((hugs)))
 
Excellent! I had a feeling he'd call you. Now don't blow it! I'm a firm believer in letting someone know you're interested and then waiting. One call is enough, then the ball is in their court. When I had been dating my BF for about a month, the sister of one of his students asked him out. He told her he was busy, but didn't say he was seeing someone. This is a whole complicated thing having to do with the fact he doesn't want it known at the school that he's dating me, since I'm one of the students and it would cause gossip. If he had said that in front of any of the other instructors, they'd start prying into his personal life.

Anyhooo....someone gave this girl his cell phone number and she started texting him. She was telling him how she'd like to get together and how hot she thought he was. He texted her back and said thanks, but he was seeing someone. Then she said she didn't mean getting together as a date, but just friends. Then proceeded to tell him how lucky his gf is and blah blah blah. He got about 4 texts from her that night, and she ended by asking if he wanted to get together as friends. He didn't reply. For a couple weeks after that, she'd text him every couple days asking if he'd want to get together as friends. He never responded and she finally got the hint.

I have my own guy who doesn't get the hint. He asks me out every now and then and I've never given any indication that I was interested in him. And I tell you what...both of these people look foolish and desperate. Persistence is only charming in the movies. In real life, it makes you look nuts.

I'm glad you didn't call him. It probably would have turned him off.
 
bethj said:
And quite frankly, if I were him, I would write you off completely for the way you treated me, realizing that someone that mean is not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.
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I agree that if I were this guy, I'd be very hesitant to try again. I'd feel like I'm being played with, or strung along. and I wouldn't want to be hurt again.

Until you figure out why you broke it off (and so abruptly) in the first place, and are sure you wouldn't do it again, and can talk to him about it, I don't know if it would be fair to him to 'try it again to see'.
 
kathryn said:
I agree that if I were this guy, I'd be very hesitant to try again. I'd feel like I'm being played with, or strung along. and I wouldn't want to be hurt again.

Until you figure out why you broke it off (and so abruptly) in the first place, and are sure you wouldn't do it again, and can talk to him about it, I don't know if it would be fair to him to 'try it again to see'.
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Kathryn - I have already figured that out - and I AM sure that I won't do it again. I am not a mean, heartless person who takes other peoples feelings for granted. We met for 2 1/2 hours and talked yesterday - and I put it all out there for him. It is clear that he was very hurt - but it is also clear that the feelings are still there. He just wasn't expecting me to tell him I wanted another chance. He needs to process everything we talked about. I feel like we had a good conversation -and that the door is not closed - it's not wide open, maybe slightly ajar - but it is not closed. The ball is in his court now and when I see him tonight (I usually see him on Monday nights at a meeting I go to), I will just be friendly and say hi - instead of what I want to do, which is control the situation and say "Well, have you decided yet? I have to know NOW!" Patience and acceptance are the key - in fairness to him, and for my peace of mind.

Thanks, everyone, for the your encouragement - and even for the "tough love" comments.
 
princessbear said:
Kathryn - I have already figured that out - and I AM sure that I won't do it again. I am not a mean, heartless person who takes other peoples feelings for granted.
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Mary, I wasn't suggesting that you were mean and heartless (my posting this before reading a subsequent post by you where you said you had figured things out may have made my post seem harsher than it was meant to be--more 'tough' than 'love', LOL!). But I'm also sure that when you first got into this relationship, you didn't envision breaking it off the way you did.

I do hope it works out for both of you. It sounds like the feelings are still there on both sides.

I wish you the best.
 
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