To call or not to call? Warning - LONG POST

princessbear

princessbear

Cathlete
Okay - sorry if this is a little long - but I need some advice.

Last spring I met this guy, a fantastic guy. When we met, it was like instant "spark" - not the s*x spark, something really deep. I felt so comfortable with him, he was sooooo everything I was looking for in a guy (well, with a few exceptions - he has kids, and I was not looking to date someone with kids - and he's allergic to cats, and I have my furbaby, Princess). So we are together for a little more than a month - very intense, really neat. I'm 44 and have never met a guy that I felt this connected to. So, what do I do? I get scared and bolt! I tell him (over the phone) that I don't want to see him anymore and come up with all sorts of reasons that even I believe.

Fast forward 8 months - and I just can't stop thinking about what a HUGE mistake I made. I saw him for the first time since I dumped him last September and apologized to him - and that's when I realized I made a huge mistake. He accepted the apology and said he felt like what we had must not have been real if I could do that to him. I called him a few weeks later to see if he would meet me for coffee and he said he had mixed feelings about that and we talked a bit and I tried to explain where I was coming from when I did what I did... but nothing ever came of it.

I see him about once a week now and until last week he didn't even acknowledge me - but every time I see him I still get that feeling - that heart-stopping feeling I got when I first met him. Last Monday he actually said "Hi Mary, how are you?" to me when he passed me and I said hi back.

I have so much regret over how I handled breaking up with him, the fact that I DID break up with him. I've met a few guy since him, and everyone gets compared to that feeling I had with him - and nobody measures up to the kind of straight-forward, sweet, caring guy he is.

So, I'm thinking of calling to wish him a happy new year, and to ask if he would reconsider having coffee as I have some things to say to him. Then I want to put it all out there for him and ask for another chance. I know I've hurt him terribly, and maybe he will say no way - but I just feel that I don't want to be wondering "what if" going into this new year. I also feel that me trying to reconnect with him could be selfish - and I'm really trying hard not to be selfish and self-seeking this year... but I just can't stop thinking about him and wanting another chance.

What would you do in my situation - or have you ever been in a situation like this and how did you handle it?

I would totally appreciate any and all input - even if it isn't what I want to hear!

Thanks - and Happy New Year to you all!
 
Since you see him regularly (where?) then I might want to first see if the exchanges could become a little more friendly. After that, and if you're going to drive yourself crazy wondering "what if" then go ahead and call. Put it out there once more and then leave him alone.
 
I think you should go for it. If you don't you'll drive yourself crazy wondering "what if?" What do you have to lose?
 
What made you bolt?

Janie
4760884_bodyshot_175x233.gif
 
My advice is to go ahead and give him a call. You wouldn't want to regret at least not giving it one more try. You never know, he might just say yes to meeting you for coffee.
 
Some tough love here.
I think you need to figure out why you bolted first. If you haven't resolved that issue, it will just crop up again. If not with him, with someone else. You may also have over-fantasized how wonderful he was as time goes on. There was some reason why you broke up with him. And he still has 2 kids and is still allergic to cats. And quite frankly, if I were him, I would write you off completely for the way you treated me, realizing that someone that mean is not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I mean, seriously, if we were talking about a guy here, who had suddenly and probably rudely broken up with you, we would all be saying "good riddance and you can do a lot better than that."
I think you have some serious issues and simply attempting to get back together with Mr.Wonderful is not going to solve them.
Beth
 
bethj said:
Some tough love here.
I think you need to figure out why you bolted first. If you haven't resolved that issue, it will just crop up again. If not with him, with someone else. You may also have over-fantasized how wonderful he was as time goes on. There was some reason why you broke up with him. And he still has 2 kids and is still allergic to cats. And quite frankly, if I were him, I would write you off completely for the way you treated me, realizing that someone that mean is not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I mean, seriously, if we were talking about a guy here, who had suddenly and probably rudely broken up with you, we would all be saying "good riddance and you can do a lot better than that."
I think you have some serious issues and simply attempting to get back together with Mr.Wonderful is not going to solve them.
Beth
Click to expand...
Yea. Everything she said. You can "lay it all out there" but, like Beth said, the same issues will come up again and the poor guy will get destroyed if you flake a second time. A man with kids has to be careful about who he brings into his life. You have a fear of happiness and need to figure out why so, when the next great guy comes along, you don't also sabotage that.

By the way, I have 5 cats, take care of 3 others, and am allergic to cats. I deal with it and I get the shots.
 
I didn't break up with him because of his kids or my cat - I TOLD him it was cuz of his kids but that wasn't true. I have done alot of soul-searching these past months and I know the reason I bolted was because of fear - I just was overwhelmed with how strong the feelings were and was not ready for it, or doubted it, or doubted that once he got to know me he would still care about me... all of that. I've done alot of work on myself since then and am very aware of the fact that I can't try to pull him back in unless I am sure about what I'm feeling.

I appreciate everyone's input though.
 
I say don't waste any time - it is too precious if you have a connection.

Hopefully he will understand and give you another chance. If not, then you have learned a lesson and move on.

Good Luck !;)
 
Life is too short. Call him. If he gives you the chance, explain yourself openly and honestly like you have done here. At the very least, you both might get some real closure. It won't hurt someone to hear what you've told us...granted, he has a lot more to lose having kids to weigh in on the situation but why not give it a try?

Good luck either way. Brandi
 
The fact that you chose to use his children as the reason why you needed to leave him makes this very problematic. Any man or woman with kids is going to be afraid always that anyone they meet and are interested in will lose interest in them soon enough once they find out the person has kids or once they meet the kids. You have played on the man's worst fears, even if you were lying when you said it. For this reason, he is wary of you and I am not sure you can overcome this wariness.

If you do try again, as your first poster said, put it out there once and if he refuses to engage with you, please then leave the man alone. Since he has kids, he will not take on board any woman who is less than sure that she wants to be around someone else's kids, nor will he do anything to make their life difficult. If he thinks that you are not good for his family life, your chances with him are toast.

I also am not sure that you really want to be with this man. Your gut instinct send you scurrying away from him once before. Our gut instincts are usually worth paying attention to.

Clare
 
I'm going to agree with Bethj, Stacey D and Maddiesmom. At first I was gonna say go for it but there are other factors as mentioned by these ladies. I suggest you really think about the situation and put yourself in his position. Does he really want you to pursue him? We don't want you getting hurt here either.
 
Leave him alone

princessbear said:
Okay - sorry if this is a little long - but I need some advice.

Last spring I met this guy, a fantastic guy. When we met, it was like instant "spark" - not the s*x spark, something really deep. I felt so comfortable with him, he was sooooo everything I was looking for in a guy (well, with a few exceptions - he has kids, and I was not looking to date someone with kids - and he's allergic to cats, and I have my furbaby, Princess). So we are together for a little more than a month - very intense, really neat. I'm 44 and have never met a guy that I felt this connected to. So, what do I do? I get scared and bolt! I tell him (over the phone) that I don't want to see him anymore and come up with all sorts of reasons that even I believe.

Fast forward 8 months - and I just can't stop thinking about what a HUGE mistake I made. I saw him for the first time since I dumped him last September and apologized to him - and that's when I realized I made a huge mistake. He accepted the apology and said he felt like what we had must not have been real if I could do that to him. I called him a few weeks later to see if he would meet me for coffee and he said he had mixed feelings about that and we talked a bit and I tried to explain where I was coming from when I did what I did... but nothing ever came of it.

I see him about once a week now and until last week he didn't even acknowledge me - but every time I see him I still get that feeling - that heart-stopping feeling I got when I first met him. Last Monday he actually said "Hi Mary, how are you?" to me when he passed me and I said hi back.

I have so much regret over how I handled breaking up with him, the fact that I DID break up with him. I've met a few guy since him, and everyone gets compared to that feeling I had with him - and nobody measures up to the kind of straight-forward, sweet, caring guy he is.

So, I'm thinking of calling to wish him a happy new year, and to ask if he would reconsider having coffee as I have some things to say to him. Then I want to put it all out there for him and ask for another chance. I know I've hurt him terribly, and maybe he will say no way - but I just feel that I don't want to be wondering "what if" going into this new year. I also feel that me trying to reconnect with him could be selfish - and I'm really trying hard not to be selfish and self-seeking this year... but I just can't stop thinking about him and wanting another chance.

What would you do in my situation - or have you ever been in a situation like this and how did you handle it?

I would totally appreciate any and all input - even if it isn't what I want to hear!

Thanks - and Happy New Year to you all!
Click to expand...

I would say just forget it and leave him alone. I don't think he would trust you now, to put it bluntly. Learn from this and move on.
 
My story in a nutshell: my guy broke up with me in a rather heartless fashion. It was cruel and hurt my self-esteem immensely. Fast forward 3 years - I've moved on, but we run into each other and he asks me out to lunch sometime. I go, he apologizes for how poorly he handled the situation and we start dating again - very slowly. Fast forward 2 years, we get married. That was almost 25 years ago!

So, I guess what I'd say is that I'd make the offer - if he avoids you, take the hint and move on, even though it may be really hard to do. You really can love more than one person in your lifetime. Good luck!!
 
I would go for it as well. Im not one to put my feelings on the back burner and hide them. I would call him one more time, really explain why you did what you did, (even if you have to email him and explain everything in detail) and hope for the best.
Do you know if he is seeing anyone? Maybe he as moved on? I can see why he didn't want to meet for coffee, he is probably afraid that you will leave again.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Lori:)
 
From a single mom dating with 2 kids.......do NOT use the kids as an excuse just to use them as an excuse. Like somebody else said, YOU used them and even though it was just an excuse, he's going to remember that. I don't blame him for being a bit stand-offish.

Having said that, make the call, extend your apologies and LET HIM take the reigns, if he wants to.

Gayle
 
I am with Beth, Stacy, Clare, Marta and cakebaker - for all the reasons they stated. As a mother I can honestly say that I could never give someone who used my kids another chance. Chalk it up to a lesson learned. I don't mean to sound harsh but he deserves better and I think that you do, too.

Missy
 
No, I wouldn't call. Why don't you just kind of see where it goes. If he wants to try it again, he'll let you know. Once bitten, twice shy. I don't blame him. You broke his heart. Most guys don't forgive that.
 
I would simply apologize about using his kids as an excuse to break up with him, explain a "little" about your issue leading up to it. Tell him you've worked on this issue the last few months and feel that the two of you had something special and you'd like a second chance but understand if he's not willing. Then I would drop it completely. If you can say it in an email it may be better. But really...one more time and then that's it.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top