I guess I look at it from a different perspective. I have all holiday dinners at my house. I only use good china and silver that I hand wash. If they were guests instead of family I would never have anyone clean up so any help I get is appreciated but not expected. Yes I would normally ask if the hostess needed help. If I were you I would not help at Christmas and if it really bothered me I would tell everyone that I wasn't going to have Thanksgiving. Joan
Thanksgiving Dinner Etiquette
- Thread starter MAYNARDSMOM
- Start date
MAYNARDSMOM
Cathlete
I guess someone did nail iton the head when they said maybe I don't feel appreciated when no one offers to help clean up. I do believe you are right there. It hurts my feelings.
I brought up th eidea of paper plates to the familylast night at dinner & surprisingly they were all for it. They were not for the honest answer however when asked "WHY" DHD sais that would be rude - as is not offering to help isn't. But that's not our way to give tit for tat so to speak.
It is potluck which brings up another issue.
I sent out an email stating what I would make & what was up for grabs. MIL said she will more than likely have to work so that cuts her out of any dishes. SIL said she would bring 2 pies & cranberries. Her MIL brings deviled eggs (tradition with the kids). That still leaves 3 dishes w/o anyone claiming them. I have turkey, sweet pot casserole, stuffing, 2 pies, Cool Whip (they bring generic ) & drinks. Money is tight right now for us so I can't really add more to our grocery budget. Guess someone will be w/o
Soory about the hard to read lettering
Thanks for all your help.
I brought up th eidea of paper plates to the familylast night at dinner & surprisingly they were all for it. They were not for the honest answer however when asked "WHY" DHD sais that would be rude - as is not offering to help isn't. But that's not our way to give tit for tat so to speak.
It is potluck which brings up another issue.
I sent out an email stating what I would make & what was up for grabs. MIL said she will more than likely have to work so that cuts her out of any dishes. SIL said she would bring 2 pies & cranberries. Her MIL brings deviled eggs (tradition with the kids). That still leaves 3 dishes w/o anyone claiming them. I have turkey, sweet pot casserole, stuffing, 2 pies, Cool Whip (they bring generic ) & drinks. Money is tight right now for us so I can't really add more to our grocery budget. Guess someone will be w/o Soory about the hard to read lettering
Thanks for all your help.
horseshowmom
Cathlete
Don't worry about the menu being light. It was made clear what needed to be brought and if no one brings it, it's not your problem! Most of us eat way too much anyway!!!
About the honest answer, if you don't give an honest answer, aren't you lying? Just curious and playing devil's advocate! But part of me is truly wondering because it brings up the old debate about being nice vs. being honest..like when someone asks *do I look fat in this?* I never know how to answer but I know if I do say *NO* I am lying. Hmmmm, a moral dilemna I've never quite figured out!?!?
Hope all else is well and everyone is back to full health!!!!
Becky
Most of us eat way too much anyway!!!About the honest answer, if you don't give an honest answer, aren't you lying? Just curious and playing devil's advocate!
But part of me is truly wondering because it brings up the old debate about being nice vs. being honest..like when someone asks *do I look fat in this?* I never know how to answer but I know if I do say *NO* I am lying. Hmmmm, a moral dilemna I've never quite figured out!?!? Hope all else is well and everyone is back to full health!!!!
Becky
Liann
Cathlete
Tami - If they ask you why the paper plates, you don't have to blurt out "because you lazy arses don't help clean up!" You can just diplomatically say "because it will cut down on the cleaning time and give us more time to enjoy ourselves and visit". And then you can show everyone where the trash can is and let them know that everything can be throw directly in there when they are done.
You can just diplomatically say "because it will cut down on the cleaning time and give us more time to enjoy ourselves and visit". And then you can show everyone where the trash can is and let them know that everything can be throw directly in there when they are done. 
ldy_solana
Cathlete
Money is tight right now for us so I can't really add more to our grocery budget. Guess someone will be w/o
Soory about the hard to read lettering
Thanks for all your help.
which is why a potluck would benefit everybody even if they didn't make something, buy a pie or something. most delis have some great homemade salads these days(kroger mostly). i think working together can make a very big dinner. we did a big dinner ourselves last year and wound up paying that off for 4 months so i said not again. if nobody is chipping in then you don't get it. simple as that. i get no assistance like my in laws everything i pay for is out of my pocket on me and i won't let anybody poop on my hard work. i am a big if you don't like how i run my kitchen you don't need to sit at my dining room table
a little tip from my great grandmother. kassia
carres1973
Cathlete
Kassia got it right on about the potluck. MIL can buy things ahead of time. Heck, you can even get REAL mashed potatoes now at the grocery store!
Carrie
Carrie
ldy_solana
Cathlete
oh yeah our kroger has a specialty deli with hot foods like this. they had mashed red potato with herbs on day. they make a mean orzo side dish with lots of veggies. we also have a few specialty markets(we are a big college town) that cater to good gourmet food on the fly. they do the cooking you just pick up and everybody enjoys something home cooked, just not by you LOL. so not having time to make something is NOT an excuse. even my mom makes pumpkin pie out of a can if she doesn't have time to make a pie from scratch. and that poor woman works 50+hours a week especially at the holidays(she is a produce co-manager)
kassia
carres1973
Cathlete
I am going to REALLY cheat this year! It is the first year in a while we are just having Thanksgiving with me, DH, DS, and DD. I am buying the prepackaged dinner from my local grocery store. I love it! It is $60 and includes turkey, stuffing, mashed, gravy, veg, rolls, pies, cranberry sauce, and on and on. You just have to reheat everything. I have done this in the past and it is yummy with a lot less work!
Carrie
Carrie
MAYNARDSMOM
Cathlete
Tami - If they ask you why the paper plates, you don't have to blurt out "because you lazy arses don't help clean up!"
LMBO!!!!
I guess those weren't the exact words I was thinking...ok maybe thinking but not saying You're second version does sound much more tactful & keeps with the nice approach I am hoping to stick with.You're right - who needs TWO different potatoes!?!? I'm helping them with portion control!!!
Maybe I can get them for a walk afterwards too!!!.......Let's not push the envelope
jdawnc
Cathlete
I agree we eat way toooo much! I use to go all out and found that there is always way too much food and after we are all in a food coma in the living room watching football. Now I will just make one of each meat, starch, veggie, and dessert. The guests don't care as long as it's good and they didn't have to make it.
Rocket
Member
Your question shines a light on an unpleasant fact: Hosting Thanksgiving is HUGE work that usually falls to a single person, who is almost always an already overworked woman. She is expected to plan the dinner, buy the groceries, clean the entire house, dress the table and decor, cook most (if not all) of the meal, make it delicious, and act as a gracious and pleasant host to guests, some of whom will be spending the night and needing meals and entertainment in the days that follow. Not to mention the considerable financial outlay required. It is not fair, and those who have never hosted are clueless about what an enormous chore it is. Those who have done it are always grateful to get a holiday off.
gettingfitmom
Cathlete
My MIL does use paper plates she has no dishwasher! My SIL and I do the dishes. My MIL leaves her breakfast dishes for us to wash and i swear she uses every availablepot and pan when making dinner!!!!!!!!! But it isone day out of the year...
she has no dishwasher! My SIL and I do the dishes. My MIL leaves her breakfast dishes for us to wash and i swear she uses every availablepot and pan when making dinner!!!!!!!!! But it isone day out of the year...
MAYNARDSMOM
Cathlete
I've given this more thought - and I'm thinking now - you ought to heat up however many Swanson's TV turkey dinners - serve it right in the tray with a plastic fork.
LOL!!!!!!
The mental picture is to funny!!! It might be worthit just to see the looks on their faces!Rocket you are absolutely correct. I really do enjoy doing it but would like to know that all are willling to pitch in & help out also. A few yrs ago my own family wa sup from Fl with one of my nieces & i remeber thinking amist all the commotion with both families that this is how I have always wanted it to be - It was wonderful!
Last night DH & I went shoping together (got the bird) & picked out all the tableware. So far plates/cups/napkins/tablecloth. He is saying no plastic silverware but I may buyit on my own
. I have forewarned him then he better have a towel handy for my bleeding tongue when someone asks why all the paper & he better pipe up quickly!!
ldy_solana
Cathlete
tami,don't bite your tongue be sweet but honest. you love to have everybody here but you just can't handle doing all that much work of cooking AND cleaning on your own. that way it seems to be about what YOU are feeling without dumping it on them or making it about them. and if they get upset guess what! that is THEIR OWN thoughts eating at them for not helping NOT yours. b/c nowhere would you say that its b/c you have no help. its about what you feel you can handle with the workload and just making it easier so you can enjoy family time. my therapist taught me that trick. if you just state what you feel about it don't make it on them maybe they would be more honest with themselves instead of confronting them about it. b/c confronting seems to be accusing and of course you don't want that either but its your house and your feeling and you are 100% entitled whether they agree or not. like i said above if you don't like how i run my kitchen you don't have to sit at my dinner table
dh is on me with that one. you can borrow him if you want LOL. he is a very blunt person and sometimes too blunt of a person but he will say we are having it this way "b/c i don't want to do any $**#$*#*#$ dishes that's why" .
kassia
dh is on me with that one. you can borrow him if you want
LOL. he is a very blunt person and sometimes too blunt of a person but he will say we are having it this way "b/c i don't want to do any $**#$*#*#$ dishes that's why" .kassia
Hello Maynards Mom,
First let me say that I found you doing a search on guest etiquette and found your forum. Secondly, I created an account just to respond to your thread.
I know exactly the frustration and upset you deal with. Last year after hosting dinner with my father-in-law and his younger than myself wife, her two children (age 10 and 12) and a few friends who are without family near by, not a single person lifted a finger to do one single thing. The only thing that was brought by any of them was a dish with yams out of a can dumped in them and heated in the oven. ((not difficult nor time consuming)) And our friend did make the dressing/stuffing. While appreciative of the thought all other Thanksgiving things were handled by myself. Two turkeys, ham, green beans, pies, veggies....I clean as I go but at the end of a meal as grand as holiday meals are there is much to be done. Quite literally, no one cleared the table with there dishes. I asked several times that every one please go to the kitchen and fix whatever they'd like to take home with them in containers due to the fact that things needed to be put away before salmonella or some other food borne illness set in. An hour later, I began to start the process of putting things away at which point they then decide to say, hey wait a second, hold up, I wanted to get some of that. Grrrr!!! I snapped, marched downstairs to my husband and told him he needed to handle it because I was livid. Everyone is fully aware that I have a neck condition that causes severe pain as well. Not a complaint or looking for sympathy but it does take me longer to do simple things than the average person. Pretty much, one of the boys threw hisself on the floor screaming in a fit because he wanted to watch a program on the big screen it did not calm him when I said honey we have two other TV's go hop up on my bed and watch whatever you'd like. Nope no discipline they ushered him home to get to that program. Unbelievable my parents would have spanked my rear end and made me apologize for being so rude. The friends said thanks for dinner were really tired and going to leave and I was left with mountains of dishes, food needing to be put away still and in tears. It took two days to get everything cleaned and back to normal. All in all, Thanksgiving was a week long ordeal nearly...cleaning the home, preparing everything the few days prior to the dinner and after meal duties. I was beyond upset.
Christmas dinner was cancelled and we went to the Sheraton instead.
This year, I've told everyone up front, when they ask what to bring; Bring yourselves and you're on the clean up crew because I'm not slaving away for a week straight. If they want to dine and dash, have their way, then they should go to Dennys, Burger King, Chilis or else where. We are family so act like it and help. Or host dinner at your place.
I'm blunt and don't believe being politically correct accomplishes diddly squat. Using disposable tins is going to be done this year though! I have formal dishes for special occasions so paper is out for me. Growing up the china and crystal was used for holidays. Growing up, my family all pitched in and helped so we could enjoy spending time together. That is what the holidays are for and will continue to be or they can all do whatever they like at there own home and save me the headache, neckache, hurt feelings and being mad about the inconsiderate behavior.
My advice is, to say it how it is and tell them exactly how you feel. Don't let people, family or not, take advantage of your kindness or ruin your joy.
Hope everything works out well and believe me you have my absolute sympathy and wishes for the best.
:Happy Holidays to you and yours!!!!
First let me say that I found you doing a search on guest etiquette and found your forum. Secondly, I created an account just to respond to your thread.
I know exactly the frustration and upset you deal with. Last year after hosting dinner with my father-in-law and his younger than myself wife, her two children (age 10 and 12) and a few friends who are without family near by, not a single person lifted a finger to do one single thing. The only thing that was brought by any of them was a dish with yams out of a can dumped in them and heated in the oven. ((not difficult nor time consuming)) And our friend did make the dressing/stuffing. While appreciative of the thought all other Thanksgiving things were handled by myself. Two turkeys, ham, green beans, pies, veggies....I clean as I go but at the end of a meal as grand as holiday meals are there is much to be done. Quite literally, no one cleared the table with there dishes. I asked several times that every one please go to the kitchen and fix whatever they'd like to take home with them in containers due to the fact that things needed to be put away before salmonella or some other food borne illness set in. An hour later, I began to start the process of putting things away at which point they then decide to say, hey wait a second, hold up, I wanted to get some of that. Grrrr!!! I snapped, marched downstairs to my husband and told him he needed to handle it because I was livid. Everyone is fully aware that I have a neck condition that causes severe pain as well. Not a complaint or looking for sympathy but it does take me longer to do simple things than the average person. Pretty much, one of the boys threw hisself on the floor screaming in a fit because he wanted to watch a program on the big screen it did not calm him when I said honey we have two other TV's go hop up on my bed and watch whatever you'd like. Nope no discipline they ushered him home to get to that program. Unbelievable my parents would have spanked my rear end and made me apologize for being so rude. The friends said thanks for dinner were really tired and going to leave and I was left with mountains of dishes, food needing to be put away still and in tears. It took two days to get everything cleaned and back to normal. All in all, Thanksgiving was a week long ordeal nearly...cleaning the home, preparing everything the few days prior to the dinner and after meal duties. I was beyond upset.
Christmas dinner was cancelled and we went to the Sheraton instead.
This year, I've told everyone up front, when they ask what to bring; Bring yourselves and you're on the clean up crew because I'm not slaving away for a week straight. If they want to dine and dash, have their way, then they should go to Dennys, Burger King, Chilis or else where. We are family so act like it and help. Or host dinner at your place.
I'm blunt and don't believe being politically correct accomplishes diddly squat. Using disposable tins is going to be done this year though! I have formal dishes for special occasions so paper is out for me. Growing up the china and crystal was used for holidays. Growing up, my family all pitched in and helped so we could enjoy spending time together. That is what the holidays are for and will continue to be or they can all do whatever they like at there own home and save me the headache, neckache, hurt feelings and being mad about the inconsiderate behavior.
My advice is, to say it how it is and tell them exactly how you feel. Don't let people, family or not, take advantage of your kindness or ruin your joy.
Hope everything works out well and believe me you have my absolute sympathy and wishes for the best.
:Happy Holidays to you and yours!!!!
carres1973
Cathlete
MrsMingos - welcome to Cathe's Forum! So glad you found us. I like your attitude! Like you, I was always brought up to assist the hose with set-up and clean-up duties. I can't imagine doing it any other way!
Carrie
Carrie
2121
Cathlete
<<I guess I look at it from a different perspective. I have all holiday dinners at my house. I only use good china and silver that I hand wash. If they were guests instead of family I would never have anyone clean up so any help I get is appreciated but not expected. Yes I would normally ask if the hostess needed help. If I were you I would not help at Christmas and if it really bothered me I would tell everyone that I wasn't going to have Thanksgiving.>> Joan[/QUOTE]
If I were you, I would not offer to clean up at sils. I would put the dessert out when you want to put it out. You are the hostess.
I agree with Joan. I only have Easter at my house (20 people) and I have a brunch at Christmas (18 gals). The other holidays are at other family members homes (we all offer to help clean up). Anyhow, I look forward to using nice dishes and prefer to clean up myself. I also clean as I go, so the big items are already washed and put away. We don't have a garbage disposal, and I get paranoid of what people think is o.k. to put down the drain. It is easier for me to clean up myself. I can see the eating area from the kitchen so I am not shut away when it is time to put the dinner dishes on the counter and load the dishwasher with the washable items.
Lastly, this may seem odd, but it is relaxing for me to drink wine/beer/gin and tonics and clean up after everyone leaves.
If I were you, I would not offer to clean up at sils. I would put the dessert out when you want to put it out. You are the hostess.
I agree with Joan. I only have Easter at my house (20 people) and I have a brunch at Christmas (18 gals). The other holidays are at other family members homes (we all offer to help clean up). Anyhow, I look forward to using nice dishes and prefer to clean up myself. I also clean as I go, so the big items are already washed and put away. We don't have a garbage disposal, and I get paranoid of what people think is o.k. to put down the drain. It is easier for me to clean up myself. I can see the eating area from the kitchen so I am not shut away when it is time to put the dinner dishes on the counter and load the dishwasher with the washable items.
Lastly, this may seem odd, but it is relaxing for me to drink wine/beer/gin and tonics and clean up after everyone leaves.
MAYNARDSMOM
Cathlete
MrsMingo
Also "welcome"!! Glad you joined us & sorry to hear of your Thanksgiving day ordeal. Very sad that people these days don't have manners & can't seem to discipline their children!
Along with my in laws a newly widowed neighbor will be joining us. He is a very dear man & we are thrilled he is coming. I did forewarn him about the paper to which he kindly said he didn't care what he ate on & asked what he could do.
I have scraped together a bitof extra $$$ to cover the other food dishes that no one has ssemed to offer to bring. If not for our special guest I would not do this, but I do want it to be nice for him.
Here's to us all, may we all have a wonderful Thanksgiving & not eat to much. I am sure we will all be hitting Cathe pretty hard Friday morning to help offset our indulgenses.
Also "welcome"!! Glad you joined us & sorry to hear of your Thanksgiving day ordeal. Very sad that people these days don't have manners & can't seem to discipline their children!
Along with my in laws a newly widowed neighbor will be joining us. He is a very dear man & we are thrilled he is coming. I did forewarn him about the paper to which he kindly said he didn't care what he ate on & asked what he could do.
I have scraped together a bitof extra $$$ to cover the other food dishes that no one has ssemed to offer to bring. If not for our special guest I would not do this, but I do want it to be nice for him.
Here's to us all, may we all have a wonderful Thanksgiving & not eat to much. I am sure we will all be hitting Cathe pretty hard Friday morning to help offset our indulgenses.
RapidBreath
Cathlete
Mrs. Mingus- Welcome to our forum!
Tami- Awww!!! If we lived closer I would come over and help you out! I used to work at a large theme park in Orlando, and I really understand all about clean up on Holidays- I've worked them all! I do much of the cooking with my Mom for the holidays. The guys clear the table. We use china, gold flat wear, and candle wick crystal. I wouldn't want them to break it. I'm not doing a turkey this year. I will just do a turkey breast. I don't want to deal with a large bird in our limited fridge. Everybody picks out their favorite dish and I do much of the prep ahead of time including pastry crusts, pie fillings, and chopping veggies. I wear my Birkenstocks in the kitchen to prevent sore feet. I require the guys to do all of the other chores including taking out the trash, feeding the cat, hauling laundry up and downstairs, cleaning the bathrooms, getting the mail, watering the garden. If they don't help they don't eat.
Tami- Awww!!! If we lived closer I would come over and help you out! I used to work at a large theme park in Orlando, and I really understand all about clean up on Holidays- I've worked them all! I do much of the cooking with my Mom for the holidays. The guys clear the table. We use china, gold flat wear, and candle wick crystal. I wouldn't want them to break it. I'm not doing a turkey this year. I will just do a turkey breast. I don't want to deal with a large bird in our limited fridge. Everybody picks out their favorite dish and I do much of the prep ahead of time including pastry crusts, pie fillings, and chopping veggies. I wear my Birkenstocks in the kitchen to prevent sore feet. I require the guys to do all of the other chores including taking out the trash, feeding the cat, hauling laundry up and downstairs, cleaning the bathrooms, getting the mail, watering the garden. If they don't help they don't eat.