RE: Serious problem..........please help me..about marr...
Okay, ladies, I’m going out on a limb here and am going to share a very personal story because this subject is very near and dear to my heart!
Joanna,
I know how you feel because I have been through this. Five years ago, our son was born with Respiratory Distress Syndrome. He was critically ill and had to be moved to three different Neonatal Intensive Care Units, where he remained for 3 weeks until his condition improved. For the next several months after we were allowed to take him home, my son (and daughter, who was 5) WERE my world. I was so obsessive about every little detail about him, I even slept with him on my chest in a recliner in our den because I was terrified he’d stop breathing and I wouldn’t be there. During this period, I failed to see the writing on the wall, so to speak, and completely missed the fact that my husband had begun to have an affair. When I finally figured out something was wrong (I still had no idea that it was an affair, mind you) I sought help from friends. My family was very active in church, and it was difficult for me to reconcile “kicking him out” with my faith. At this point, someone recommended James Dobson’s Love Must Be Tough. This is a wonderful book that does NOT insinuate that Christian wives need to be doormats for their husbands, as so many Christian “self help books” seem to imply. To the contrary, reading this book caused me to take a desperate measure. I went to the local hardware store, bought brand new door handles and locks for my doors, and changed them. I still didn’t know that an affair was beginning, but I knew that something was wrong. So, my husband moved out for about 5 months.
Finally, five months later, I found a letter from this young lady. It devastated my world. Yes, we were separated, but he still came “home” 3-4 times a week, and in my heart of hearts, I just didn’t believe that our problems were that serious. To make a long story short, when I found out, I consulted a lawyer to draw up the separation papers. During this time, my husband came back and begged for forgiveness. We began counseling. Through counseling, I learned that sometimes when families go through traumatic events (the near-death of our son) horrible decisions are made. We continued with counseling, and unfortunately we stopped a couple of months later. It was unfortunate for me that we stopped because a couple of months later, I went off the deep end and did something that is definitely NOT in my character to do. I proceeded to begin a 2 year “emotional” affair with a co-worker that proved to be every bit as destructive to our marriage as my husband’s 6 month sexual affair. Every time I would begin to feel guilty about my feelings for this man (who IS married, I am ashamed to add), I would rationalize the fact that we hadn’t had been physical with one another, even though the emotional side of it was very strong.
Finally, 5 years later my husband’s affair and 3 years after my “emotional” affair, my marriage is better than it ever has been. We’ve been through the ringer, so to speak, but I do have a few points to offer:
1) Everyone is absolutely right in saying NOT to address this subject in front of the kids. There were several very tense conversations that I am ashamed to admit my daughter heard when she was five, and I’d give anything in the world to be able to erase her memory regarding that.
2) Talk to someone objective. If you have any thoughts at all that you want your marriage to work, be very careful about giving YOUR family intimate details. I made this mistake, and my side of the family remains biased against my husband. We can find it in ourselves to forgive what others do to us, but when you’re talking about your parents, they may not be so willing to forgive.
3) Get all emotions out and do NOT let them fester. I was so “nice” about everything, I ended up seeking revenge on my husband through this co-worker, and that was wrong on MY part. No matter how much I wanted to blame my husband for my involvement with this other man, I can’t. I am an adult and have to account for my own actions.
4) Find some ladies who have been through this before and develop a support network. It’s hard to talk to friends who have never been through this because sometimes they just don’t understand. I’ve had several friends say, “Well, I never would have taken him back,” and that would just make me feel like dirt. These little quotations would make me feel so bad about myself, I almost felt justified in going out and doing what I did.
Finally, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Please stay in touch with us and let us know how things are going.
Sarah
:-( :-(
