SAHMs.......HELP

Worknprogress

Worknprogress

Cathlete
Is it me or does AH not get it?????

AH is usually referred to as DH on the forum....you can guess what the "A" stands for!!!

Yes he works 10-12 hour days and I really, really try to do everything required to run the household. And when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING.

Honestly SAHM's - if your husband work & you are a SAHM - should I not get any help at home? I understand that I should be the one having the bulk of the household responsibilities like - taking care of the children, cleaning the house, laundry, grocery shopping, paying the bills, etc. But even the "manly" duties I thought he should do - he does not. We have a lawn service to cut the lawn even though we can't afford it! I took care of the taxes this year - we hadn't filed since 2004 - he was getting "around" to it. Appliance problems - yep, all me. In fact, I was getting the boys situated for bed while I was making popcorn for them in the microwave. I set the timer for 3 minutes and came down to a first floor full of smoke. We have been having problems with it for a few months and he told me he would take care of it - but alas - another thing I will have to do.

Of course he thinks he is an outstanding father because he will usually take them on the weekend for a few hours out of the house to give me some "free time." Unfortunately my free time is usually cleaning, laundry, or whatever else I need to catch up on because I just can't get it all done by myself when the boys are underfoot.

I feel bad and guilty for having any resentment because he leaves at 7 am and doesn't come home until 7 pm Monday through Friday. He has a very stressful job but when he leaves that job, he is done. My job, however, goes well past 7 pm and there is never a Saturday or Sunday off.

This has been going on for quite sometime and the last time I built up so much resentment that I came at him with a lot of anger. He responded, "When you can make the salary I make, go out and get a job and I will stay home with the children."

Am I off base here? Should he be giving me a little more help?
 
Debbie, how old are your kids? I'm not sure I can really answer your question here -- it sounds like you want support for him doing more, and yet it sounds like he's probably not going to do anymore. So, my asking the age of the kids is to wonder if in two or three years it'll get easier for you. That may sound like an eternity now, but this is pretty much the way it was for me when my kids were young. How did I cope? Hmmm, how *did* I cope? It's all such a blur now, it's hard to say. Now a days, I just know I have to carve out some time/space/things for me. It wasn't necessarily possible when my kids were younger, but I'm lucky that it is now, so even though I still do the bulk of things for keeping the family/house going (and even helping with his mother's finances/bills, which he's in charge of), I don't have any resentment at all that I'm the one who does all of that stuff. My husband definitely pulls his weight and we really view ourselves as a team -- neither one of us could keep doing what we're doing without the other one doing his/her part. If your children are still at toddler age or less than elementary school, I imagine you're exhausted all the time, and no, you never get a break. All I can say is that it won't last forever. The kids will get easier, and you will have more time for yourself. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear...... hang in there! Your job is so very important.

-Beth
 
Yes I remember those days but alas, my exDH did work no where near 12 hour days and though he took care of the lawns, he never took our 3 kids anywhere to give me a break.

I am one of those that just does what has to be done and yes, I get angry, but I can only let things go for so long.

Current DH doesn't do tons either as he expects the kids to do it. Well, we are down to one 22yr old that is nearly out of the house. What then you ask, it will still be me.

DH takes after his father who had 6 kids and didn't do much around the house. Now MIL does it all and they have 5 acres! Thank goodness she is 8 yrs his junior and still gets around very well at 68.

You need to decide what will work for you and possibly start realizing that you can only do so much and you REALLY NEED to take time to yourself. Start using the "free time" for YOU and let the rest ride. When chores and children eat up all your time you lose yourself. But remember that without you the rest of your family will be in trouble. You deserve "you time" and need to take it the same way DH is tired after working and doesn't do household work.

Set some priorities, leave the dishes in the sink or the laundry to fold later. I remember that I was lucky when my kids were young (3 in 4 years) and they all took naps at the same time. I took full advantage and started painting while they slept. The dishes always got done eventually.

Best of luck with your dilemma. I do understand.
 
Oh boy. I think this is a pretty common problem.

No, I don't think you're off base. You aren't asking him to shop, cook, clean, and stay up with the kids all night when they're sick. Mowing the lawn and filing taxes is not a big deal.

I went through a phase like this with my husband. He too had a stressful job with long hours, and he was often on 24 hour call. Simple things like helping the kids brush their teeth was such a big deal, like I was asking for a kidney. He did other stuff, but anything to do with the children was completely avoided. I felt so trapped.

Things changed as the kids got older and could take care of themselves. A job change that led to less hours helped a great deal too.

If he isn't willing to help out a little bit more, then I suggest taking more time off on the weekends. When he's out with the boys, do not do housework. It'll always be there, but that time to yourself will not. Do something you enjoy. Otherwise you'll go crazy.

Also please consider going out one Saturday. Even if it's by yourself, leave the kids with him and window shop or something. I used to shop and then hang out at the library...anything to get out of the house. You'll get some air and some space, and he'll get a taste of what it's like to be at home with the kids for a good length of time.

(THE best way to show them how hard it is to be a SAHM is to actually leave town for a few days. If you ever get the chance to do that, go for it. He'll have a whole new respect for what you do when you get back.)
 
A couple of thoughts.....

He sounds like he is concerned about how hard you work since he is willing to take the children out of the house so you can have some free time. I agree with the above poster who said you should take that time to yourself and not get bogeed down with the to-do list.

My DH works horrible hours, he hasn't been home for three days and he is on call this weekend so I don't expect him to be home soon. I used to resent the fact that he didn't do much around the house, but I have come to the conclusion that this (taking care of the kids and our home) is my job. If there is anything he helps with, I try to focus on that. I need to be really thankful for the help he offers, even if it is just taking out the trash or putting the kids to bed.

Have you two had anytime alone together lately? It's easy to become frustrated with your DH when your relationship isn't in a place where you would want it to be. I highly recommend a regular date night where you can reconnect as a couple and remember why you married him in the first place instead of getting caught up in the fact that he doesn't mow the lawn or do the taxes.

Should he help you more? Probably. You may need to help him help you, though. Instead of nagging him about stuff that needs to be done, ask him if there is anything you can do to help him get it done. A favorite line in this house is, "Honey, are you going to be able to look at the microwave, ice maker, stove, vacuum cleaner, etc. or should I just call Sears and see what they say?" I try to give my husband the oppportunity to help around the house, but he just doesn't have the time. When he is off, he needs the downtime or he will totally burn out.

I know it is frustrating and we do feel under-appreciated and overwhelmed. I understand what you are going through, but you can't change him. You can only change how you respond to him. And maybe focusing on the positive will encourage him to help out a bit more.
 
I think every mom, SAH or not, can relate to your problem and feel your pain!

My DH (and my son's step-father) does a LOT to help me around the house and with our son, but we STILL get into these arguments about who does more and so forth.

I think my main suggestion to you might be to try and get your kids involved as much as possible in the work of the house. Make it a game for them to help you with the chores. My 3 year old son helps around the house by gathering laundry, helping unload the dishwasher, "folding" laundry, etc. and he loves it!!
 
It is frustrating - read my post about "chasing my tail" where I commented about this stuff. I really don't have advice, since I have the problem myself. Just know I hear ya and feel for ya!

Clarissa :)
 
Beth - my oldest is 21 so he is not someone I take care of although emotionally he wears me down!

My little boys are 3 and 4 and I have a daughter who is 15. I usually have to pick the daughter up from school during their dinner time (she plays a sport and no bus to take then). My 4 y/o gets car sick sometimes and my 3 year will usually fall asleep which will then keep him up well past 9 pm. Plus I have to run her around other places. He will do the late night pickups (she has band Monday night until 9). But she is a busy girl so she keeps up running a lot with her activities.

I wish I could take that time off on the weekends but he tells me all of the time that he wishes I would come with them instead of staying home. He says it makes him feel like a single father when he's out entertaining them by himself. But I tell him that I am not sitting home on my duff, I am getting things done around the house. He is already resentful that I don't go with them that I don't know how taking "me" time will go over.

I have gone away on the weekends a few times - my daughter plays club volleyball and she has had several out of state trips. We take turns going with her. However, if it's me going, I come home to the house being a wreck.

I do give him opportunities to fix things and I have been very patient when he doesn't get to them right away. My garbage disposal was broken for 10 months. He refused to let me call a plumber. After months of the sink backing up, slow draining, it finally stopped up and we could not use the sink. That's when he fixed it. I never gave him a hard time nor did I complain when it backed up.

What is really hard for me is I've been through all of this before with my older children. When I had my 3rd child my daughter was already 11 years old. I was already well out of the younger, much tougher years. I guess I wouldn't have had more children in my forties with my 2nd husband had I known I was going to have to do it all. At 46, I am exhausted.
 
When I was a SAHM I guess I just figured it was my job, just like he did not ask me to go to work and do his job. However, I remember my DH doing a bit more. Maybe because I worked part-time out of the house and my times to work were nap-times, and when he was home. If he wanted us to have more money, he let me work. Of course that meant I was working instead of resting, but in a way, work was rest from the kids.

I do echo what others have said, it gets easier once they are older and in school. Then you have some more me time.

He is working long hours and I can imagine he is exhausted when he gets home. You work long hours and are exhausted too. I think a baby sitter and a date night everynow and then on the weekend for some couple time is needed.
 
If your boys are 3 and 4, do they attend a preschool or is that not an option financially? If you swing it, I'd recommend sending them 2-3 days/wk so you can have more time to yourself. Kids are so demanding at that age that it's hard to get things done. I swear, I could get 10x as much done while my DS was at preschool than while he was home! Even walking with a friend was impossible when DS was that age!

Also, it sounds like part of the tension comes from your DH deciding stuff that should be part of your "territory" (for lack of a better word). When to call a plumber is one example. The backed up sink affects your "job" and he's not letting you be in charge of how/when it gets fixed. It seems like you 2 need to talk about who does what and who's in charge of what areas.

As a example, DH and I used to have a very hard time hosting dinner parties because he would watch TV all frickin' day before our guests arrived. Then, once they came, he assumed all he had to do was pour drinks and talk to them and that the food would just appear and disappear magically. If I asked for help, he'd act all put out or like he was the brains of the operation. I wanted to strangle him! :mad: Finally, I told him I would never host another party unless he did his part. We agreed to make a list of who was responsible for what and I included everything, from grocery shopping, setting the table, prepping and cooking each item, vacuuming, dishes, who made coffee after dinner, even who checked the powder room to make sure it was fit for company. Any kid chauffering for that day was also on the list. He learned how much there was to do and stopped being resentful that I was treating him as an "assistant." He had his jobs and I had mine. If it was on his side of the list, I never nagged, I never asked, I just assumed he'd do it when he had to. Obviously, the dinner party was the deadline so there weren't any open items. It worked so much better!

So, my advice FWIW is to make a list of what you do each day and what you need his help on. Agree on a deadline for items he decides he'll do himself (like fixing the sink) and if the deadline arrives, you get to choose how it's fixed (call the plumber!). Would he let you come to his job and decide arbitrarily what you were going to work on and then allow you to take your sweet time getting it done?? Running your house and being with young kids all day is a full time job, and you're working overtime.

Finally, please don't get sucked into the weekend guilt trips! Your sons NEED time alone w/ their dad, especially w/ the hours he works. If you're there, your sons will defer to you, not him and their relationship w/ him won't develop properly. You need time alone or you'll go crazy and really resent your kids and DH. Not good!

Since you've been there w/ 2 older kids, you know it does get easier once they start kindergarten, but you've got a lot of months to get through before then. Take care and HTH!
 
I get it!

I'm in a similar boat, only I'm a work-at-home (with DH) Mom! I take care of all household duties: Groceries, laundry (except his), cooking, picking up junk around the house :mad:, cleaning (but have cleaning lady to help with heavy stuff), hauling kids, scheduling doctors & therapists (for kids), all school-related stuff, bills, and taxes. In our business, I supervise our employee, take care of all bookkeeping duties, plus my "real" work (production, layout, design, editing).

My free time activites? Well, I work out at 5:30 in the morning! I've just joined a book club (hooray!), and occasionally DH & I play golf together. That's about it for me.

In the interest of peace in the kingdom, I've learned to accept thing the way they are, and except for the occasional snarky comment during PMS week, I just deal with it. Let's face it: He's probably not going to change (at his age), and I've got enough on my plate already without adding that renovation project!

By the way, his car is unregistered (he never went for an emissions test), and his passport has expired (and we're going out of the country in December). Why? Because these are things that he has to take care of, so they don't happen. And believe me, I've reminded him many times!

But his golf game is looking really good and he's heading out to play today -- for the 4th time this week! Life is good!
 
I really don't have any advise for you...only Im sorry you have to go through this!

Men don't see what SAHM do! I worked 2 day shifts last week and then a weekend of night shifts, which means I was home 5 evenings last week. I was housebound all week long b/c he had to go back to work and then straight from work to hockey. I try not to whine b/c I know there are things he needs to get done, but why does he assume that Im not going anywhere? Then when I told him I was going to Walmart he asked if I could wait until DS went to bed! Ugh!

Its kind of a weird situation b/c when I am home all day with DS, I want a break when DH gets home but he kind of wants to sit and relax after all day. Then when I work day shifts, the same is true. I want to sit my butt down but he is ready to pass DS over to me! LOL

That being said, DH is really good. I can't complain but there are times I know how you will.

Ever see that show "crash test mommy" Its a show where people think that they can do a better job then the mothers are doing at managing time and the kids, or they think that the mothers job is easy. So the mom goes away for a day or two, while the dummy does moms role in the house. Turns out...the dummy is truly a dummy! Prehaps thats what you need to do to DH!
....Or AH! ;)
Lori:)
 
Chaos!

Lori, very funny!

A few years ago I was suddenly hospitalized for two days and that left DH and the kids to fend for themselves. (Kids were about 6 and 8.) DH didn't know their routine and I got a call one morning from DH, saying "I don't know how you do it!" and then my son got on and said, "Mom, please come home! Dad burned our breakfast!"

They treated me very well for about two weeks after I got home, then they reverted to their old ways. The vacation was nice, but I'd rather have spent it at a spa than in the coronary unit of a hospital!
 
I don't think you are off base at all. His attitude is awful, quite frankly and he needs a good kick in the pants if you ask me.

Men are notoriously stupid about these things and lots of them don't "get it" (my dh included), but it depends on the degree to which they don't get it that makes it a tolerable or intolerable situation.

My DH works a f/t physical job. He leaves the house at 6:30 and arrives home at 4:30. When overtime is offered, he takes it. He once worked several 14-16-18 hour days for days in a row and when he wasn't doing that he was working 12 hour days and he was getting NO TIME OFF. This went on for like a month. So yes, my husband works his ass off to bring home a paycheck that will support us and allows me to stay home with my child. He has always said that he would stay home if I could make enough money to support us but he never said it in a condesending way. It has always been a bit of joke between us. Personally, you and I both know that MOST men wouldn't last a week at home! LOL

Anyway, my DH takes care of the "manly" duties around the house like grass, garbage and the like. He's far from perfect. He forgets to take out the garbage or he'll let the grass get too long before getting around to cutting it and I get annoyed with him but he tries and does not expect me to do those things in addition to everything else I do. I also realize that I AM NOT PERFECT. I do not keep a spotless home. I can tend to let laundry pile up because I hate doing it. I will forget things, etc. I keep this in mind before I yell at him for something.

The one thing about my DH that I appreciate is that if I ask for help, he will help me. If I don't want to cook dinner one night, he'll eat a sandwich or order a pizza with out complaining. If I am feeling overwhelmed and need a little help cleaning or with laundry or something, he's there. He won't think to just do it when I'm busy with something else and he's sittin' on his duff in front of the boob tube (LOL) but when requested, he'll lend a hand.

So after all of this incessant babble, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think you have a right to be upset. Working out of the house does not earn ANYONE the right to think they work harder then we (SAHMs) do. I can not stand that attitude. It's just incredibly wrong. IMO he needs to start helping you out more when he is home. You are right...his job has a start and finish time while yours does not. He needs to pull his weight at home. It's only fair.

JMHO!
 
Last edited:
I remember back in 1999, DH lost his job and because of generous severance he had time to re-educated and switch careers and all that. Before he decide what he wanted to do, we had discussions what to do. When I was working full-time before the kids, I actual made more money(and that is true now that I am back full-time), so one discussion was, me work full-time, him stay home with the kids. His immediate reaction....no way can I do that, it is too hard!
 
It sounds like your DH would be this way whether you were a SAHM or working. You guys need a good long heart-to-heart. I hope things improve for you.

LOL Dorothy! -- The first week we had Julia I ate, slept, and nursed her. Nothing else. DH did everything, and boy, was he ever glad when I was up and around again! My 2 other daughters basically told DH "It's nice having you around but we'll be glad when Mom can do our morning routine for us again!" (getting them ready for school, etc.) It's nice to know we're appreciated!
 
Oh Debbie, . . .girl, . . we all feel your pain. Trust me. My husband is Hotel Manager for a small luxury hotel and works 10-12 hour days and unfortunately hotels like hospitals are never closed, . . . his brother who is a family Dr. jokes about how even he doesn't work as many hours as he does. But I have a news flash for all the stay at home mommies out there this is why we are super awesome. We don't work 10-12 hour days we work 24 hours a day. If the kids are sick, . . yeup we're on call in the middle of the night. Potty training, . . .yeup we do that too. Wake up early to make lunches, . . . clean the boo-boo or owie, . . we cook, we clean, . . . sometimes do cart wheels. We can also MULTI TASK, . . a term most men have never heard of, . . I mean I can go to the bathroom, fold laundry, and brush my teeth at the same time! Can your husband do that? Mom's do it all and very often go unappreciated. It is unfortunate but true. My advice break out a can of whoop a$$ and tell your husband to pull his own weight. That's what I do. Other wise he needs to face what my kids call the MOMMIE BEAST and when I transform, . . no one wants to be around. Hey, . . we do these things because it is our job but that doesn't mean that our husbands can't help. Hey our kids didn't ask to be brought into this world and running a house hold is just part of the deal, . . but in order for it to work everyone needs to pitch in. Heck I have my 6 and 8 year old help sort laundry, and dust. Just remember when Mother's Day comes around you ARE the Queen of the world. Put your feet up and prepare to be pampered. Our job never ends and that includes telling our husbands what to do.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top