Relationship help....please

D

divagirl

Cathlete
Anyone who read my other emails regarding my SO who doesn't call me for days and says he's in love with me...I sent this as an email to him
"I was trying to express to you the other day that I felt I wanted more communication with you when we are not physically together (by phone,email or text). I guess I don't understand why you seem to not feel the same way. I would like to feel you are more a part of my daily life than just Friday-Sunday. During our conversation you said sometimes you are too busy to call. Are you telling me that you are too busy for days at a time to call me and just say hello? On another note...maybe you felt somewhat defensive about how I brought this up but when we discuss something that I feel is important I would like to stay on the subject instead of being told the whole this is just silly and unimportant or you asking me if I'm going to go crazy on you. That just makes what could be a simple conversation snowball into something more."

He called me after and said "Are we done with this now?" That upset me and then I asked if he had anything to say about the email and he says in a short tone "I guess I'll just be calling you more often". Needless to say his tone upset me, escalating the argument and then he says that he feels I don't appreciate anything he's done for me the last 3 months because I'm focusing on this one thing. We talked about this once yesterday where it was unresolved and since he was sick I said we'd talk about this when he was feeling better. I went over there last night and made him dinner since he was sick and didn't say a word about it again until today over email. I'm sick over this since it is our first fight and I feel like it could break us up. Any advice....I desperately need it.
 
I agree with Janie. Let go of it. It's too late now, but I wish you had sought advice before hitting the send button on that email--I would've advised you to delete it. Something about it feels oppressive. Just try to relax and give him a little space.

I fear you're going to chase him away. Love cannot be measured by the number of times somebody calls you on the phone or sends you a text message. It's the quality of your relationship--your communication--that counts.
 
Honestly, it just sounds like he needs some space.

You can do one of two things, (1) either learn to accept that this is the way he is, or (2) not accept it, with the result that you may end up breaking up with this guy.

Ask yourself if this is worth it. This is such a tired old saw, but it's true: you cannot change someone else, you can only change yourself. If you value this relationship, try to do things within your own power to make it better for you (or better yet, for both of you).

Forcing him to call will not accomplish anything, other than make him resent you.
 
did you email him this while he was at work? I would say that if you did, then he is entitled to be upset. sorry, jmho from years of experience ;)

I can absolutely see his point... why focus on the negative, on what he is NOT doing, instead of appreciating and loving what he has done to prove he loves you? I think it is so easy for us as women to try to change things to make them better... than includes changing our man. It took me eight years of marriage to finally get that I am loved, and that while my DH isn't perfect and doesn't do everything I want him to, he does other things to show me that he loves me. He is imperfect and I have finally learned to let the little things go and to accept him the way that he is the way that he loves and accepts me. I would let it go; really, it isn't worth it. Understand where he is coming from. You don't want him to see spending a minute on the phone with you as a chore on his to do list. He will end up resenting you and it will add more stress to his probably already busy and hectic schedule. I hope that this will all work out for you! :)

why would you feel like something this small could break you up?

Missy
 
>did you email him this while he was at work? I would say
>that if you did, then he is entitled to be upset. sorry, jmho
>from years of experience ;)
>
>I can absolutely see his point... why focus on the negative,
>on what he is NOT doing, instead of appreciating and loving
>what he has done to prove he loves you? I think it is so easy
>for us as women to try to change things to make them better...
>than includes changing our man. It took me eight years of
>marriage to finally get that I am loved, and that while my DH
>isn't perfect and doesn't do everything I want him to, he does
>other things to show me that he loves me. He is imperfect and
>I have finally learned to let the little things go and to
>accept him the way that he is the way that he loves and
>accepts me. I would let it go; really, it isn't worth it.
>Understand where he is coming from. You don't want him to see
>spending a minute on the phone with you as a chore on his to
>do list. He will end up resenting you and it will add more
>stress to his probably already busy and hectic schedule. I
>hope that this will all work out for you! :)
>
>why would you feel like something this small could break you
>up?
>
>Missy


Beautifully stated, Missy, as usual;) :)
 
I agree with all here. Let it go. He is just like my hubby was when we dated. The deal is you have a great guy who doesn't call a lot. He has a super great gal (makes him dinner when he is sick - awwwwwwwwww!!!) who would like to be called more. Impass but not a deal breaker right? My wise grandmother once said to me, "Let him chase you til you catch him." Wise lady. Act from strength not desperation. Desperation is not a turn on. Confidence is. Pull back, give the guy air and let him come back to you. I speak from experience, trust me. Now I practically push my DH out the door "Go see you friends please!". He loves that I give him his free time when needed. And he gives me mine.

Good luck. Remember lead with confidence!

Julie
 
Divagirl,
another one here who agrees that you should just let it go, and move on. You're the one who has to decide if you'll be okay with not hearing from him somtimes.

I understand where you're coming from in wanting to talk to him more, but it is coming across as needy, clingy, etc. Sorry if that sounds mean, I don't mean it to, and the way you explained things here to us, I know that's not what your intent was.

Just let this relationship fall into place on its own, you're 3 months in you said, there are bound to be more things that will need compromise on both your parts.
Brandi
 
I disagree with some of the other opinions expressed here.

I understand that some people aren't as into calling as others, but I think there is more to this than that. When he called you and said "Are we done with this now?" he was belittling your feelings. He also belittled you when he asked if you were going to "go crazy" on him. I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds to me like he is exhibiting a lack of respect for you. It is my opinion that not only does respect need to be on the "non-negotiable" list, but that it should be Number One on the non-negotiable list.

I dated a guy like that for a very long time, ignoring all the warning signals that my heart knew were there, on purpose. I learned a lot, and had a good time, but I knew better than to marry the guy. If you're having fun, and you're not in a rush to settle down any time soon, stay with it. But if you're looking for the ultimate "real" thing, I would just caution you to pay attention to those warning signals in your gut. They may have something important to say.

Nancy
 
To be quite honest with you, I think you are over analyzing everything to death. You seem to be in a constant state of these dating situations, at least from what I can tell on this forum. If the situation doesn't feel right, it probably isn't...but I wonder why these situations keep cropping up for you - not a blame thing at all.

Maybe you need to take a step back and do some thinking in regards to where you are in terms of connecting with a long term partner (ie expectations, needs, etc). Talking to someone might help you gain a little perspective as to where you are emotionally & how best to proceed so that you are ultimately confident in your choices.


Debbie


Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
--Family Guy
 
I agree with Nancy. I mean I can see him being a busy guy and not having a lot of time to chat and stuff. Some guys are like that. I know my mom is, she HATES talking on the phone (even to family)but when she is face to face with someone, she is totally engaged with that person and won't stop talking. Don't forget he is a busy man, he may like talking to you in person. On the other hand as Nancy stated, it is one thing to not like to talk on the phone but another when he is belittling you for expressing your feelings. If he isn't respectful (as in listening but doesn't mean he has to agree), then how is he going to treat things that are bigger than this. He should respect your feelings and you should do the same for him and hopefully come to a compromise that suits you both and not just one person changing and the other not. I hope I made sense.
 
I usually don't respond to these threads but I'm with Nancy on this one as well. If my husbad was only interested in me on the weekend but he was too busy to talk to me or help me during the week that wouldn't be a healthy relationship in my book. A call before bed time to say, hey how was your day? I love you or I thought about you today is not too much to ask. What if you were too busy for him on the weekend? Didn't call, wasn't home and when he asked you about it you said, are we done with this yet or you are going crazy on me. Part of a healthy relationship is being able to express how you feel and yes even argue without being belittled, insulted, or made to feel your feelings aren't important. I'm not saying this NEVER happens in a relationship but I don't think it should be the norm. Respect and compromise are not evident here. If you want to wait things out and another issue comes up, see if he responds the same way...you will then KNOW how your relationship is going to be should you continue it. I'm sorry you are so upset and I wish you the best of luck.
Angela
 
I agree with Nancy as well.
And there's something in the tone of your email that sounds, I'm not sure what: too analytical? too impersonal (in spite of the personal nature of the subject)? too much like a message he might get from his boss or a co-worker asking him to change his job performance? I can't put my finger on it, really.

And if you want to talk to him during the week, why don't YOU call HIM? Since you're the one who feels the need for more contact, and YOU know when you'd like to have that contact.

One can't rely on changing another's behavior, just on changing one's own reaction to that behavior, or changing one's own behavior.
 
I am 100% totally with Nancy. You very well may be smothering him but what he said to you is telling.

My advice would be exactly the same as Nancy's. I think you are settling because you so desperately want a meaninful, loving relationship with a special man in your life. Don't. If I am totally off base when I say this, I am sorry, but you sound like a booty call to him. Stand up for yourself 100% with confidence that you deserve better and don't deserve to be treated that way. That said, remember you can't change people. That is why you can't compromise on the things you consider #1 in a relationship.

Please don't take offense here either, but in reading this thread and others I honestly thing you could benefit from reading a self esteem self help book or a codependency self help book. You need help in standing up for yourself, assertiveness. Would you agree? Have you ever read anything like this? It may help you. Just a thought.

I feel for you. You need to see that you are worth more than how this man is treating you. But I think you also need to work on yourself too. You very well may have issues of your own.

As I have said before, best of luck with this. ((((HUGS))))) Please don't consider dumping this man as a step in the wrong direction but look at it like the sooner you get rid of someone that is not treating you right, the sooner you can meet the man that will. Chin up.;-)
 
>I disagree with some of the other opinions expressed here.
>
>I understand that some people aren't as into calling as
>others, but I think there is more to this than that. When he
>called you and said "Are we done with this now?" he was
>belittling your feelings. He also belittled you when he asked
>if you were going to "go crazy" on him. I'm sorry to say
>this, but it sounds to me like he is exhibiting a lack of
>respect for you. It is my opinion that not only does respect
>need to be on the "non-negotiable" list, but that it should be
>Number One on the non-negotiable list.
>
>I dated a guy like that for a very long time, ignoring all the
>warning signals that my heart knew were there, on purpose. I
>learned a lot, and had a good time, but I knew better than to
>marry the guy. If you're having fun, and you're not in a rush
>to settle down any time soon, stay with it. But if you're
>looking for the ultimate "real" thing, I would just caution
>you to pay attention to those warning signals in your gut.
>They may have something important to say.
>
>Nancy
>

I agree with this. I don't know the whole story but trust your intuition. A woman's gut never lies.
 
In a nutshell, if you felt confident about this relationship, you wouldn't feel the need to constantly analyze it. As Dani said, your intuition is talking to you...you should listen.
 
I have a few thoughts on this.....

1) It looks as though this was important enough to you that you wanted to continue the discussions until some sort of agreement was met. That is more than fair. I have found though, that sometimes, men are not "game plan" people. So, they hear the issue and then react but don't necessarily need to discuss it again or find a "mutual ground." My ex used to do that with me all the time. We would have a discussion and I would be left feeling like it didn't do anything, yet he felt like he knew the issue and would make some changes.

2) #1 would be certainly applicable if he wasn't so cr*ppy to you when you wrote to him about it. Even if his opinion was that your mail was overkill (which he might have, quite honestly), it was obviously important to you and he could have just as easily said "I get what you are saying and I will make a change for you but I don't think we need to discuss it again."

3) Different people need different things from a relationship. You may need those calls. He may hate them. It's easily resolved but if he can't make an effort, he may not be the right guy for you.

4) I say Kathryn has the right idea. If you need that beginning of the week call, why not pick up the phone and call him?

5) I would just drop it right now and see what happens. He may surprise you and make those calls. Give it to the end of the holidays. If he doens't, call him. You've been dating long enough that this is perfectly acceptable. If that yields a bad response, give the relationship some thought.

6)You seem a little insecure and that might be a completely valid feeling based on your relationship history. Don't give up on things that are important to you. At the same time, don't sweat the small stuff and enjoy the relationship. I came out of a very difficult relationship with some pretty big baggage. Finding that balance was hard at first, but worth working on to make the future better in my relationships.

Good Luck
 
I agree with Nancy 100%

His not-calling bothers you, you told him, and he marginalized it. And, this is only 3 months into the relationship???!!! *WARNING WARNING*

It would bug the heck out of me if my SO didn't call all week. My DH is not a chatty person. But, when we were dating, he'd call just to hear my voice and he would say, "Okay, gotta go now. Just want to say "hi" and that I was thinking about you." Took less than 2 minutes, but he knew how important it was to me.

Some "small stuff" can be an indication of bigger things to come.
 
One other thought...

I want to make sure that I didn't trivialize your feelings when I said the "small stuff." Please read it in the context of what I wrote adn realize it was a generalized comment. My point was that when you have baggage, if you do, most EVERYTHING can become an issue. I know this b/c I do it to my poor boyfriend. I am not saying that your concern or his reaction were a small thing though.
 
Put simply...
Honey, he's just not that into you.

Sorry if that's harsh, but from your description, that seems to be the case.
 
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