Not kids, but MONEY issues....(rolling eyes)

naughtoj

naughtoj

Cathlete
How do you all deal with money issues in your SO relationship?

Ok, what do you do when your partner wants to spend money you don't have and you are adamantly against it but there is no way you can get them to see your point of view? My hubby is a "dreamer", always conjuring up a list of things he wants. I am a "realist", considering it much more important to pay off debts than to incur more. I can give up my "wants" in the short term if it means paying off my debt in the long term. He acts like he wants this too, but still always wants something and wants to buy it with money we don't have. He swears if he buys it he will work more to pay it off, which is probably true, but we already have debt and need to pay that off. We always disagree on this. I'll say NO to an item he wants, he gets angry and thinks I am being unreasonable, and we just can't see eye to eye on this. I have told him that maybe we could compromise by every couple of months allowing him a couple hundred dollars to spend as he wishes, but right now he wants a 3500 dollar item that I am currently trying to talk him out of!! I mean, not $100, or even $500, but $3500!!!!! He says that "I just don't understand b/c I never want anything". I tell him well want something cheaper for pete's sake!! I just want to see my bills paid off and that is much more important to me than "things". No so for him, even though he says the contrary. I am tired of being the meanie here and I am getting angry that he repeatedly puts me in this position, when I never do it to him. I ask him how would he feel if the situation was reverse and he says if I really wanted something he'd let me get it. And I say well that is only b/c you aren't financially sensible! We would be up to our ears in debt if the situation were reversed I guess.. I mean, why is it so hard to understand?? I tell him in another year I will be making more $$ and we can have more stuff, but honestly, will he just want more things then? We just can't agree on this but I don't know what the compromise is since the things he wants are so expensive. I tell him to stop surfing the net or subscribing to catalogs b/c it is like going to the mall with no $$. You leave and all you feel is deprived, but if you never go......

It is pretty sad when your sole reason for pushing through an education is to make more $$ to fund your hubby's "want" list. I mean, that is my dream, one day being able to afford what he "wants". But why doesn't he care about what I want?? Why doesn't he feel bad about this and what is the compromise? If I repeatedly say no I feel like he will end up resenting me. Since we can't agree, I told him we may as well function as two seperate entities. After the household bills are paid, he can spend any money he has left over on "stuff" and I will worry about the debt. That is the only way I can see us both being happy. I just have to work for what I want, he works for what he wants. Is that the only solution? I am so angry he even bothered to ask me if he just wants to get mad about it!

What do you all do when you are not on the same page with your SO?? This is very frustrating for me and to be honest, I am getting pretty angry about it!
 
Janice
I'm sorry for the stress you are having with your DH now. This is so hard. I have been there. I hope it can get better. Money is one of those things that has the potential to get so irrational/out of control in marriage...

My DH and I ultimately used this book together: http://www.amazon.com/Budget-Kit-Co..._bbs_sr_1/103-5648997-2580606?ie=UTF8&s=books

We agreed on a budget and eventually and we follow it -- but it takes work and commitment to the "spirit" of what we agreed to. The book helped us move away from talking about Money to talking about the common values/goals we shared.

But we were NOT able to use this book and the good tips it had until tensions calmed down quite a bit. I really liked the workbook style of the book. Our public library had a copy and I got a lot of good ideas from it.

I hope things can get better soon! It tooks us awhile, but we worked through it. Keep trying!!
HTH,
Barb
:)
 
I'm not sure how you can get him to understand the importance of being as debt free as possible. Maybe have him imagine what would happen if you both lost your jobs, and opportunities for another are hard to find. Being debt free with money in the bank would make this much easier to deal with. Perhaps he does not think something like this could happen, but I happen to know a lot of people facing this, including my husband and I. We are very free of debt, and right now that is a good thing. We have worked hard the last 25 years of our marriage to make choices so that we did not incur a lot of debt. Now, at a point that our oldest is in college, we are benefiting from that.

Not sure if you can get him to see into the future, but retirement will be a whole lot nicer if you save now.
 
Can you try to convince him to save for the item before he buys it. If right now he is saying he'll work more hours to pay it off, try to see if he will work more hours now and set up a sub-savings account to put the extra in. When he has enough saved then the two of you can purchase the item, without adding debt.
 
I think it must be extremely difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has a different financial mind-set than you. I'm lucky, my DH is very frugal, and only recently has loosened up in that area a little. I'm fairly frugal myself, and only recently have loosened up a little, too. If one person in a relationship is a saver... and the other is spendthrift... that, to me, is a recipe for disaster... sorry to be so blunt. I would suggest you both sit down and honestly discuss your money-spending mind sets... and try to come up with ways that you can compromise. If he's not willing to budge, than maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. I don't mean to sound harsh, but money problems are usually the number one reason that couples split up, so the more open and honest you guys can be about solutions, the better. Good luck!
 
Good luck to you. My hubby and I fight about this constantly as well....but he sounds more like a spendthift and you a total saver.

There must be some sort of compromise....(in this case we are not talking about a $300 item - hello, so totally different.....)

I would seek a counselor to help you get through the money issues. I am more of the emotional spender and my husband the frugal saver - so BELIEVE me - we have these conversations ALOT! I would never think of a $3500 item as small though. . . .I may fight him to the death on something under $250.00 but anything over that takes both of us to determine whether we really need it.
 
I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but money is the #1 reason couples fight. Unfortunately, I think it is also the #1 reason people split up. I don't know if you are familiar with Suze Orman, but I would highly recommend one of her books. She also has a show on MSNBC on Saturday nights, which I find very informative - it might be worth a try for you.

Usually there is an underlying emotional reason why someone is a spender. Maybe finding out why your hubby is so inclined to spend will help with future spending.

It might also help if you both get together and put down on paper what you both really want in life and prioritize these wants. I'm sure his list will look much different than yours. It sounds like he will have more material things and you will have more "security" things, such as an IRA, savings, and paying off a mortgage. If you have kids, try to appeal to his fatherly love and show him how much better off your kids will be if you put money towards the "security" items on your list. You are definitely on track - just try to come up with some creative ideas to get him to see your view point.

Good luck!!

Angie
 
Hi Janice,

Between this post and your last post on the topic of having children, it sounds as if both you and your husband have different ideas on how you want to live your lives. These differences are not going to go away. You can’t change anyone else; you can only change yourself. You need to talk to your husband & he needs to understand how serious you are about what you want out of life, (and so do you). Both of you need to look at the deal breakers and the compromises. Take the time to understand why you are different & how you might work through your differences. Above all, be honest with yourselves and each other or you’ll be miserable.

It really is time to stop talking to cyberspace and talk to your husband,

jordan
 
"I ask him how would he feel if the situation was reverse and he says if I really wanted something he'd let me get it."

Repeat that back to him. Then tell him you've decided what you want. Then tell him what you want is to be debt-free. }(
 
>>
>Repeat that back to him. Then tell him you've decided what
>you want. Then tell him what you want is to be debt-free. }(
>
:eek: :D }(

I told him that and he rolled his eyes! Playfully, of course!

About 10 min after posting this DH and I did talk. He apologized and said that he knew what I was saying was right and that he was just mad. He said he guesses he is in some ways like a little kid...he wants what he wants when he wants it. He said he was glad I had some sense because he does not. I told him that sometimes it feels like we want totally different things out of life and he said that was not true. He said he wants to be debt free too. He is never going to have my personality, nor I his, so I guess it is about learning how to live with each other and compromise. Maybe I will feel better financially (and be able to "splurge" more) once I start bringing in a larger portion of the earnings...

My hubby really is a great guy and is so right for me in so many ways. He treats me very well, we get along great most days, and I really can't imagine a relationship that would fit better or that would be so good for me unless I was married to my identical twin (and I can't imagine that would be good, lol). Really, every person has strengths and weaknesses. Even if I found the tightest hubby out there, well maybe he's a jerk with a total disregard for my feelings, or a bumbling alcoholic. You are not going to find the perfect person for you in every way...

I think some people don't know what it is like to live without money...I mean not enough money to buy food to eat.....that they don't know the importance of saving it. They don't see what COULD happen down the line and where that could lead. Those of us who have been there know. Maybe that is why some of us are more frugal than others??

I LOVE Suze Orman!!! Unfortunately, my husband does not, lol. I forced him to watch one of her shows once on CNBC and he fell asleep in ten minutes. He could care less!! x( He should care, but he doesn't. That is why he should throw less of a fit when I veto something. He needs to trust my judgement or educate himself enough to get his own. You know what I am saying?

And you know what? Over the years I have changed. I didn't used to be so frugal. I used to think I may want kids. Heck, I change my mind every minute! So I think seeing how life evolves works best for us. I really don't think he has a clue either, if I had to guess. We will talk more after the holiday.

Thanks for commiserating. I know financial difficulties are #1 for breakups. Sex and kids #3 and #4, right? :eek:
 
>I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but money
>is the #1 reason couples fight. Unfortunately, I think it is
>also the #1 reason people split up. I don't know if you are
>familiar with Suze Orman, but I would highly recommend one of
>her books. She also has a show on MSNBC on Saturday nights,
>which I find very informative - it might be worth a try for
>you.
>
>Usually there is an underlying emotional reason why someone is
>a spender. Maybe finding out why your hubby is so inclined to
>spend will help with future spending.
>
>It might also help if you both get together and put down on
>paper what you both really want in life and prioritize these
>wants. I'm sure his list will look much different than yours.
> It sounds like he will have more material things and you will
>have more "security" things, such as an IRA, savings, and
>paying off a mortgage. If you have kids, try to appeal to his
>fatherly love and show him how much better off your kids will
>be if you put money towards the "security" items on your list.
> You are definitely on track - just try to come up with some
>creative ideas to get him to see your view point.
>
>Good luck!!
>
>Angie
>
>

Angie..

His #1 want would be to get out of debt. Problem is his actions don't always match what he says. He wants to be out of debt, but he wants other stuff too, and as we all know, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ALL!!!
;-) Nobody taught him, you know what? Life's a bi$#! and you don't always get what you want!! Lord knows that was beaten into me as a child!}(
 
>Can you try to convince him to save for the item before he
>buys it. If right now he is saying he'll work more hours to
>pay it off, try to see if he will work more hours now and set
>up a sub-savings account to put the extra in. When he has
>enough saved then the two of you can purchase the item,
>without adding debt.


I try this too. I told him the best way for him to have an "account" for his play money would be to just give me the $$ each paycheck and I'll save it. He tried his own acct but was dabbling into it when his checking would get low...we all know how this goes....;-) But he just doesn't have any patience..it is that instant gratification..you know the big problem in America!!:7
 
I told my husband to give me his credit cards. We were in severe debt and the problem wasn't going away, even after he'd been supposedly paying off credit cards for two years (and not using them). I tool control and transferred his balances to 0% credit cards I signed up for in my name. He pays me $1000 per month to pay those bills and cover his portion of the household expenses. Since we kept separate checking accounts after marrying, it's been easy for me to safeguard the money. And I forced him to get a second job to pay off his debt. I also told him that if ever wanted to have kids, he'd better get his debt paid off because I couldn't justify children when we couldn't even make ends meet between the two of us with the amount of debt he was carrying.

He is now thinking in line with me, seeing just how hard it is to pay off that money. You should throw some shocking numbers at him. For example, after analyzing my husband's Discover account, we found that even though he was paying $150 per month, only $60 was coming off his balance. With the interest structure, $90 for every $150 payment was going toward interest and fees. That was a real eye-opener for my husband.

I think there is a statistic they used to advertise on TV where it said a $4800 balance would take over 30 years to pay off if you only made the minimum monthly payment, and that you'd end up paying something like $30,000 when all was said and done. And that's just on $4800, when you're not even adding more charges to it. There's an abundance of information you can research on the internet about this, and I think you can even find calculators that will calculate how long it will take to pay off your debt, as well as how much the bottom line will be when interest is factored in. Show him those numbers and say, "This is why I feel as passionately as I do on this topic."
 
"It is pretty sad when your sole reason for pushing through an education is to make more $$ to fund your hubby's "want" list. I mean, that is my dream, one day being able to afford what he "wants". But why doesn't he care about what I want?? Why doesn't he feel bad about this and what is the compromise? If I repeatedly say no I feel like he will end up resenting me. Since we can't agree, I told him we may as well function as two seperate entities. After the household bills are paid, he can spend any money he has left over on "stuff" and I will worry about the debt. That is the only way I can see us both being happy. I just have to work for what I want, he works for what he wants. Is that the only solution? I am so angry he even bothered to ask me if he just wants to get mad about it!"


I know I just responded, but I re-read your post and this paragraph just disturbs me! You should not be getting an education to support his "habit" - and his habit is not cocaine, it's expensive "stuff". Your husband sounds like a shopaholic, and he is addicted to spending. If you give him money to continue "buying", you will be supporting his addiction. Think of it that way. Would you really give money to someone you know is addicted to cocaine, when you know they will spend your money on cocaine???? No, you wouldn't.

Also, you asked, "But why doesn't he want what I want?" I think the answer could be 1) He is too addicted to shopping to care what you want or 2) He is too self-absorbed to care what you want. His needs are more important to him than your needs. Either way, he is not thinking about you at all. You two should be a team, and it sounds like he wants to play by his own rules rather than stand by your side and make sure you are happy, too.

No, the only solution is not to work for what you want and he work for what he wants (while you're paying off all the debt HE racks up, by the way). I can think of a much better solution: leave him. You leave and take YOUR money with you and leave him to pay HIS debt with HIS money. Let's see how much "stuff" he can buy for himself then. And just maybe he will grow up and begin living in the real world.

What you are describing in your relationship reminds me so much of an old relationship I had. I dated a guy who had dreams, too. He wanted this and he wanted that and he promised he'd get this job or that job or make more money, but in the end, he was just using me for my money - and he was filling my head with lies in hopes I'd fall for it all. I did for a month or two. I bought him a $900 leather coat on the promise that he'd pay me back. I waited for the money, and waited, and waited, but never saw a dime. We broke up and he still hadn't paid me. I had put that coat on my credit card with the understanding that he'd pay me back before the bill came so I could pay it off without incurring interest. Alas, I think I finally got $100 from him after dogging him for weeks. He took advantage and used me for my money. It sounds like your man is doing the same thing to you. Don't let him. I learned my lesson over a $900 coat, and never again did I buy big ticket items for anyone or let anyone take my hard-earned dollars from me. Don't you let that happen to you!!! If it takes walking out to get him to grow up and be a man, then you've done him (and you) a world of good!
 
>I told my husband to give me his credit cards. We were in
>severe debt and the problem wasn't going away, even after he'd
>been supposedly paying off credit cards for two years (and not
>using them). I tool control and transferred his balances to
>0% credit cards I signed up for in my name. He pays me $1000
>per month to pay those bills and cover his portion of the
>household expenses. Since we kept separate checking accounts
>after marrying, it's been easy for me to safeguard the money.
>And I forced him to get a second job to pay off his debt. I
>also told him that if ever wanted to have kids, he'd better
>get his debt paid off because I couldn't justify children when
>we couldn't even make ends meet between the two of us with the
>amount of debt he was carrying.
>
>He is now thinking in line with me, seeing just how hard it is
>to pay off that money. You should throw some shocking numbers
>at him. For example, after analyzing my husband's Discover
>account, we found that even though he was paying $150 per
>month, only $60 was coming off his balance. With the interest
>structure, $90 for every $150 payment was going toward
>interest and fees. That was a real eye-opener for my husband.
>
>
>I think there is a statistic they used to advertise on TV
>where it said a $4800 balance would take over 30 years to pay
>off if you only made the minimum monthly payment, and that
>you'd end up paying something like $30,000 when all was said
>and done. And that's just on $4800, when you're not even
>adding more charges to it. There's an abundance of
>information you can research on the internet about this, and I
>think you can even find calculators that will calculate how
>long it will take to pay off your debt, as well as how much
>the bottom line will be when interest is factored in. Show
>him those numbers and say, "This is why I feel as passionately
>as I do on this topic."

I have done all of this. I know all of this. I have shown him the numbers (which in our case aren't too bad thanks for good credit, if we pay slightly more than minimum every month) I have gone to that website that calculates how long will take to pay off your credit. I do have his CC's, but he does have one line of credit thru our bank in his name and one linked to his checking accts. I don't think he would ever just go and use one and hide it from me, it is just that he was putting so much pressure on me to use one at low interest or open a new one at 0% (and he'd pay it off quick working extra
:p ) Point I try to make with him is I am sure he would. But we have other debt he can work on just as aggressively, lol. He knows better but knowing is never enough to keep him from lusting after these items and putting me in this akward position from time to time. I just don't understand it, we are so different in that sense...

Also, the debt we have is also my fault, not entirely his. It is just that I have learned my lesson but he is a much slower learner...;-)
 
Regarding this catwoman,

My husband has supported me pretty much for the last two years. I have been pursuing my education while working PT for the last year. He is very responsible and very hardworking and even picks up extra shifts to pay a little extra on CC's, but I admit that oftentimes that extra money goes to dinners out or is nickel and dimed at Circle K or something. This I am willing to look past, because I know he has to feel like he has some sense of control and some money he can spend "irresponsibly" without it really digging into our goals. With his extra shift money, this doesn't seem like it hurts so much. Problem is he doesn't save any of that money to go towards these big items he wants and I tell him he has to decide. You can't have everything. But he has not charged anything back on those cards. He has actually done very well with it all except for these occasional wants he has. If he had never met me, he would still be where he is today...responsible, hardworking, a homeowner. But I do suspect he would have debt, would buy many things impulsively, and would one day reach the point where I am now: FED UP. But can I blame him for taking longer to get there??

You are right about the kids thing, tho. That really worries me. What happens when we have kids and these big ticket items become MUCH less of a reality. Will he be OK with that or will he always be feeling deprived?? But I have told him before that I have no intention of having children until that debt is paid off. So apparantly that is not priority to him either. I think he is in a comfort zone right now cuz he knows when I start making money all of my money is going to go to that debt. Why should he pay it down now??

I do what he does to a lesser extent. I come home from a hard day at work, feeling stressed, and I want to go out to eat. I tell myself "I deserve it" (trying to fix that lol). He looks at magazines with Harley's, listens to his friends talk about theirs and how they go riding on Sundays. He works hard and tells himself "I deserve it". He just needs to scale back about $3700 bucks, lol. I tell him I consider our splurge going out to eat when we really shouldn't be. That is enough for me. But I guess to him that doesn't count,lol.

Even after apologizing, agreeing with me, thanking me for being so "sensible" about it. He said he knows he shouldn't be buying something like that with money he doesn't have, even if it is a good deal. But yesterday we were out and I saw he had purchased two magazines related to his hobbies, one on the item he wanted!!! I told him if he were to stop buying magazines to druel after the things he wants and save that money instead, he probably would have enough money to buy the item, lol. But I was also kinda annoyed. I guess I just hoped he saw my point of view and came to see that he didn't really need that item right now and that his extra money should go to our debt instead. But all he saw was that he had to save that money towards this item.

Maybe we should say for each deposit he makes into his "fun" acct, he needs to give me half to go towards debt?? That sounds good. Hmmm. I'll have to approach him with that, see what happens, lol.

My husband is a good man. He just has a few issues, but so do I, Lord knows.}(

Thanks for the insightful replies. I appreciate it!!
 
This is exactly why my husband and I have one joint bank account. Out of that account comes the mortgage, household needs, bills, food, etc... We each contribute a set amount to it every paycheck, and I control it.

Aside from that, we have separate everything. Credit cards, checking, savings....

Some people love to tell me "that's not what married people do", but guess what - we're married, we do, and it works.
We have never had a fight on what the other one wants to buy, because at the end of the day, they are responsible for paying for it.
 
Janice -

I have to say that I'm impressed at how you've managed to come up with several solutions, and not once have you caved in to the "Well, you might want to re-evalute your relationship" statements. I was a bit shocked at that people seemed to think you guys should break up! You're absolutely right when you say that no marriage is perfect. Heck, you're two individuals trying to live together. There will be days when you look at the man sitting across the table and wonder what the heck you were thinking in marrying him. There will be other days when you could not imagine life without him. That's normal. Sounds like you have a lot in common and these two issues will eventually get resolved, you just need to figure out what the resolution is. Also sounds as if you may have written your first post when you were frustrated. I think you've been given several good solutions. And in fact because you're willing to talk about things and seek resolutions, I think you two will do well. Kudos for you.
 
"There will be days when you look at the man sitting across the table and wonder what the heck you were thinking in marrying him."

And there will be other days when you might even wonder why you ever DATED him!!!;-) :7 :7
 
Christine--so wise...I really agree with what you said...and wondering why you dated him (Te TE) that's also true.}(

Part of the mystery of marriage is really getting a handle on the whole picture more days than not. But on the days when the whole picture is out of view, it's easy to get down about the big problems. I told a friend that some days marriage feels like an IMax workout and I'm not sure if it's the interval part or the recovery part that I'm talking about!!!

I agree, Janice, that you are doing a good job trying to work through the "issues" even if they are "big." Even really good marriages have "big" issues. It's all about how you work them out in time, eventually, not necessarily hour by hour or day by day, but overall...

Just another plug for that Budget Workbook/The Budget Kit. I thought it was really easy to use and a good springboard for discussion and has a lot of good organizational tips.

-Barb
:)
 
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