Need some personal marriage advice...

G

GrettaB

Cathlete
My husband and I have been having problems for some time now and are barely hanging on for dear life. He has maintained a text message relationship with his long-ago ex-girlfriend for years now (I've known all along), and last week he told me that she advised him to call it quits with me. Last night, she sent him a photo of her barely clothed hanging from the stripper pole in her living room--this gave him pause and he shared it with me rather than hiding it, which was the appropriate thing for him to have done. However, it really upset me to a great degree and we had a 2-hour argument during which he felt I was blaming him, when all I was trying to do was express how upset I was that she had sent him such a photo. He told me that he understands my being upset, but he did not solicit the picture and has no interest in being anything but her phone friend--that I just need to accept that this happened and move on. I want to do that, but I'm having a really hard time with this situation, especially since it's in addition to the heap of problems I'm already dealing with.

Can anyone offer some support and/or advice? I begin individual counseling next week and am trying like mad to find a marriage counselor we can afford. Thank you!
 
Gretta,

I am certainly no relationship expert and I am very sorry to hear you are going though this. I was glad to see that you are starting therapy, I think that is a great thing. As far as the situation with your husband and the ex-girlfriend, I would insist that he stop the relationship now. Maybe for him it is only a friendship thing, but given the picture that she sent him it's obvious that she is looking for something more. It also serves as a distraction for him when he should be focusing on your relationship and not running to some fantasy of a former relationship for advice. Just my two cents and I hope that the therapist is able to give you some great advice. Hang in there.

Pam
 
Gretta,

I'm sorry you're going through this. ((hugs))

I agree with the poster above me that he needs to end this friendship as it is clear that the woman wants more. At a bare minimum, he needs to tell her that she shouldn't send pics anymore and that it was absolutely inappropriate to send to him. His excuse that it wasn't solicited works (barely) for the first time but not again.

It is encouraging that he showed you and didn't hide it.

Good luck, I hope you find a marriage counselor that can help.

TmJ
 
I know what is to have trouble in marriage. Marriage can be very tough. Here is a website that has helped me very much:

Love and Respect Ministries

They offer lots of very good advice and counsel that has helped me through some difficult times.

I know things can be hard, but I also know that there is hope and things really can get better than you would have thought.

Blessings to you.
 
I went through a similiar thing where a coworker kept texting my man and asking him out, I read most of them and he always made an excuse but if it went on and on maybe he would break down. I put a stop to it and said either he says for her to stop or I will go to her. He did and it stopped. I still feel awful as I have to see her all the time and just want to choke her.

There is no reason he needs to be texting another woman especially if she is sending pics like that, she wants more.
 
Years ago, my husband's x from high school contacted him. We all knew each other from school and went to dinner together. She was also married at the time. She would text him and ask to meet him for lunch. I felt like she was a little on the flirty side and asked him not to go. At the time I was thinking she was in a happy marriage. About 6 months later she confided in him that her marriage was unhappy and she was filling for divorce. Now even though I do like the lady I do think she had other motives even if it wasn't conscious to her.

Obviously this lady doesn't care. Kudos to your hubby for telling you about the photo and confiding in you, because that is still a marriage.

Sarah
 
I'm not no relationship expert, but what I can tell you is that he must cut all ties with his ex PERIOD!!!!
 
lulu68 said:
I'm not no relationship expert, but what I can tell you is that he must cut all ties with his ex PERIOD!!!!
Click to expand...

ITA!
I've been married 32 years, and there is no way in hell I would put up with my husband in any kind of relationship with a past lover.
 
I am sorry this is happening to you.

What I find worrying is that she is telling him to call it quits with you. It makes me wonder what he's been saying to her. You are definitely doing the right thing in seeing a therapist individually. Perhaps s/he can give a referral to an affordable marriage counselor.
 
I have a slightly different take on the subject. I am friends with a couple of my ex-boyfriends and if I had a new boyfriend, I would want to still remain friends with them. I do realize that being married is different than being in a relationship but even when I was married, my husband knew about my ex and we even had dinner with him a couple of times. I think that it's a good sign that he told you rather than hiding it. Rather than insisting that he stop the relationship (which might make him start hiding it instead which is way worse), I would suggest that you ask him to tell her how uncomfortable the picture made him feel since he only wants to be friends with her.

By the way, there is a style of handling conflict that can be very helpful during tough times like this. I only know because I took a series of courses on it because it was something I really struggled with (and still do). Maybe if you phrase your need more like the one below, he won't become so defensive and might do what you are asking. The important thing is to use "I" statements so he doesn't feel like you are blaming him and won't get defensive. Also, you have to phrase it so it says exactly what you want in a manner that doesn't leave him any room for excuses as it why he can't do it. It can be very effective if you have a partner that is invested in making you happy.

"When I saw the picture that your friend sent you, it really made me feel very insecure in our relationship although I do appreciate your honesty about it. It hurt my feelings that she would feel it was ok to send you a picture like that. I would like you to tell her that this type of picture is not appropriate to be sending to you and to reiterate to her that you are only interested in being friends with her."

HTH and hang in there! I wish relationships weren't so tough....


A Model for Initiating Conflict Resolution
Conflict Resolution Tip
 
Last edited:
Hi Gretta,

I'm so sorry you are going through this with your husband. You have my support and I'm sure many others on this forum. I've been married for 14 years and I have had my share of ups and downs for sure! I cannot say I'm an expert on marriage. Is there such a thing? Expertise in marriage?

Anyway, here is my thought about the situation. I honestly think your husband should be doing the work; finding counseler to improve your marraige; cutting all ties with this ex-lover. A husband who is committed to a marriage should not have a text relationship with his ex. What exactly is a phone friend? I do not consider text relationship an open friendship when it's between ex-lovers. Even though your husband did not ask for the picture, somewhere in the time frame of the text relationship, she became comfortable with the idea that it's okay to send picture of herself hanging from a stripper pole to him. I would be concerned about that part of the equation. It would be extremly one-sided if she just did this on her own out of the blue.

It seems that your husband doesn't think there is a problem? I'm glad you're looking for an individual counselor to help you. What's your husband doing?

Oh the things I would be doing if this was my husband! He will not be touching me again until I'm comfortable with the fact that he does not have any connections to this woman; phone, text, whatever. He's going to pretend he doesn't even know her!:)

Gretta, everyone handles conflict differently but one thing that is very clear; this woman behaved inappropriately with a married man. I personally don't think there is much to discuss regarding this issue with your husband. There should only be one thing he needs to do right now; cut all ties. Then you guys can work on other issues. He has to show his committment to you.

Sorry for the long post. I hope you and your husband can work this out. Feel free to vent if it helps.

Justina
 
I'm afraid once you've been intimate with someone, it is difficult to be "just friends" afterwards. It's one thing if an ex is merely an acquaintace that you see once in awhile, but to maintain a text/phone relationship steadily through the years is, imo, not appropriate for a married person.

I would definitely tell him he needs to end this relationship. As long as it continues, it's not healthy for your marriage. He needs to focus on YOU and his feelings for you, without the distraction of some ex-girlfriend in the sphere of his life. If he indeed continues the relationship behind your back after you've asked him to stop, than there are deeper issues there that need to be faced.

Hugs to you! I hope everything works out for the best. Life is stressful enough. :(
 
jrichards111 said:
Anyway, here is my thought about the situation. I honestly think your husband should be doing the work; finding counseler to improve your marraige; cutting all ties with this ex-lover. A husband who is committed to a marriage should not have a text relationship with his ex. What exactly is a phone friend? I do not consider text relationship an open friendship when it's between ex-lovers. Even though your husband did not ask for the picture, somewhere in the time frame of the text relationship, she became comfortable with the idea that it's okay to send picture of herself hanging from a stripper pole to him. I would be concerned about that part of the equation. It would be extremly one-sided if she just did this on her own out of the blue.

It seems that your husband doesn't think there is a problem? I'm glad you're looking for an individual counselor to help you. What's your husband doing?


Justina
Click to expand...

Hello Gretta,

I'm so sorry for your distress and your troubles. I think anybody that's ever been in a relationship or has been married knows that there are always times of stress and strife.

The important thing here, in my opinion, is that you and your husband should be of the same mind about this "phone friend". Why does he not see what she's doing as a problem? There are red flags all over the place, including but not limited to the inappropriate photo. It's good that he showed you the photo, but why is he defending that she sent it? He should have immediately told her that he will no longer be communicating. Period. End of story. It isn't a matter of being able to be friends with an ex. It's a matter of him being fully present and vested in YOUR marriage and wanting to make things right with you. This woman does not and should not fit into the equation in any way.

I quoted Justina above because she's exactly right in what she said.

If I were you, I'd ask him to end contact with this woman and focus his attention on making things right within his marriage. NO excuses.
 
I am so sorry you are going through a situation like this. You are getting plenty of good and well-meaning advice and I am just adding my 2 cents as someone with an ex-husband who had female "friends." He fed me a lot of bull about how they were just friends and it mean nothing. I never really bought it, but he also would tell me I had mental problems and was insecure and unreasonably jealous. Mind you--I never harassed or called the other women. But when I came across something suspicious, I would ask a question. However, he is an extravert and I am an introvert, so I would chalk it up to the fact we had very different personality types. But then, after 14 years of marriage I discovered at least one of them was never just a "friend"--and I divorced him (I'm pretty sure it was more than just the one, but that is the only one I had proof).

That is my experience and I am one person. But trust me, if my current husband had ever expressed an interest in being phone/email/whatever friends with another woman when we were dating, we wouldn't be married right now. I have never had special male friends that texted or emailed me a lot when I was in a serious relationship and I have done that consciously. There have been a few male work friends that were friendlier than I was comfortable with. And btw--I am not insinuating they wanted more than friendship--but I wasn't going to put myself in that position or disrespect my husband by encouraging that kind of behavior.

This is just an opinion from someone who has had a bad experience with a similar situation, but I thought I'd throw it out there just so you could see how it sometimes plays out.
 
Last edited:
jengollf said:
I am so sorry you are going through a situation like this. You are getting plenty of good and well-meaning advice and I am just adding my 2 cents as someone with an ex-husband who had female "friends." He fed me a lot of bull about how they were just friends and it mean nothing. I never really bought it, but he also would tell me I had mental problems and was insecure and unreasonably jealous. Mind you--I never harassed or called the other women. But when I came across something suspicious, I would ask a question. However, he is an extravert and I am an introvert, so I would chalk it up to the fact we had very different personality types. But then, after 14 years of marriage I discovered at least one of them was never just a "friend"--and I divorced him (I'm pretty sure it was more than just the one, but that is the only one I had proof).

That is my experience and I am one person. But trust me, if my current husband had ever expressed an interest in being phone/email/whatever friends with another woman when we were dating, we wouldn't be married right now. I have never had special male friends that texted or emailed me a lot when I was in a serious relationship and I have done that consciously. There have been a few male work friends that were friendlier than I was comfortable with. And btw--I am not insinuating they wanted more than friendship--but I wasn't going to put myself in that position or disrespect my husband by encouraging that kind of behavior.

This is just an opinion from someone who has had a bad experience with a similar situation, but I thought I'd throw it out there just so you could see how it sometimes plays out.
Click to expand...


I agree totally with jengolf here. It is extremely dangerous for men or women to be friends with the opposite sex when married. People are people and things happen, and if we value our marriage, we do not play with fire. Personally, I have never understood the "we are just friends" phrase even between members of the opposite sex when people aren't married. Eventually, someone will get hurt. What is wrong with just having friends that are female if you are female or male if you are male? Nothing!!! And saving all our opposite-sex friendship for our spouse is a great investment. If I need opposite sex advice from a male other than my husband....(why would I except for marital issues?), there are so many "safe" resources to tap: dad, brother, cousin, uncle, etc... I don't need another male friend.
 
A woman that is sending a semi-naked picture to a man has no intentions of just being 'friends'. If your husband doesn't realize this, something is seriously wrong with him. However, my guess is that he does realize this and him telling you this is something you will just have to 'accept' is like saying you might as well get used to him cheating on you. There is no way on this earth that I would 'accept' that. Her behavior is disrespectful to your marriage and you certainly do NOT have to 'accept' it. Additionally, what you will choose to accept and reject is for YOU to decide. He does not get to dictate what you will accept from him. We all need to look inside ourselves and determine what we can live with. If you decide you cannot live with your husband having this type of relationship with another women, you need to be clear about that in addition to letting him know what the consequences of him choosing to continue this relationship are.

I truly sympathize with you on this. Marriage is so much work as it is and these types of situations just make things so much more difficult. Wishing you the best in whatever you choose to do.
 
Ok, I can't hold it in any longer. I have to ask: WHO HAS A STRIPPER POLE IN THEIR LIVING ROOM????? ugh.....

I'm sorry if that offended anyone, I just don't get it.
 
Atompik i agree with every word you said. There is no way i would or could accept any of that. I mean how would my husband feel if i was talking to another man and he send me a pic of him half nacked. Please id never disrespect my husband that way id never allow another man to disrespect me my husband or my marriage that way. He needs to stop but she is right only YOU choose what you will or will not accept.
Im so sorry you are going through a hard time ..good for u to seek counseling but im hoping he will go with you! If he doesnt you still go. We cant change others but we can learn how to react to others, and it may help u keep your sanity.
 
Last edited:
atompki1 said:
A woman that is sending a semi-naked picture to a man has no intentions of just being 'friends'. If your husband doesn't realize this, something is seriously wrong with him. However, my guess is that he does realize this and him telling you this is something you will just have to 'accept' is like saying you might as well get used to him cheating on you. There is no way on this earth that I would 'accept' that. Her behavior is disrespectful to your marriage and you certainly do NOT have to 'accept' it. Additionally, what you will choose to accept and reject is for YOU to decide. He does not get to dictate what you will accept from him. We all need to look inside ourselves and determine what we can live with. If you decide you cannot live with your husband having this type of relationship with another women, you need to be clear about that in addition to letting him know what the consequences of him choosing to continue this relationship are.

I truly sympathize with you on this. Marriage is so much work as it is and these types of situations just make things so much more difficult. Wishing you the best in whatever you choose to do.
Click to expand...


atompki1, I agree with everything you said here, the bolded part is most important.

Gretta,
The relationship your husband has with this other woman clearly bothers you, and for good reason. I can't advise you what to do, that is something you have to figure out for yourself. I'm not emotionally involved and it would be easy for me to tell you to leave him. All I can do is tell you what I would do.
I know there is no way I could live with a situation like this. As much as I love my husband, I have to love myself first. I would walk away if my husband continued a relationship with another woman because it would eat away at my self esteem. I know some women who choose to overlook cheating husbands, and they live a very sad life.
I made it very clear to my husband before we married. I love him, and will always love him, but the moment he chooses to be with another woman, he will end what we have- period.
Sometimes you have to teach people how to treat you.

Learning how to talk to each other sometimes takes time and practice, but if the bond is strong you will keep trying until you get it right. You have to work on your marriage every single day and it's not always 50/50, sometimes you have to do all the work to get him on board.
Bottom line, don't swallow what will eat away at your soul. ;)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top