Marriage-Dealing with religious differences

janie1234

janie1234

Cathlete
I'm desperate and hoping someone here could give me some advice. My husband has been hinting about wanting to quit his job and become a pastor. His family are devout Christians and when I say devout I mean they can quote from the bible, . . anywhere in the bible. Although I consider myself a Christ follower I don't meet the expectations that my husband and his family have. I'm shy, quiet, and do not like to socialize. I find it exhausting.
Is it possible to have a happy healthy marriage when both spouses share different religious views?
 
My DH and I are of the same (non)religous beliefs, so you may not want to listen to me :p

I think it is possible as long as one person doesn't try to push their beliefs on the other or force them to believe/do things they don't want to do.

However, I'm not sure that would be possible if you were a pastor's wife. In most churchs the wife is just as much involved and just as much of a leader as the pastor is. To have a over zealous pastor and a *meh* wife would be odd, even to a non-churchy one like me. You could put on the happy pastor's wife face for the public side of things (and I'm sure there will be alot) and then be "you" at home, but that doesn't feel right or sit well with me, and I think that would ultimately cause more problems that it woudl fix. You should always be "you"

My philosphy is "believe what you believe, but don't push it on me" and it sounds to me like you'd be getting dump trucked on by religous beliefs you don't subscribe to.

Nan
 
Janie I dont understand your dilemma. You say your husband is Christian and you are a Christ follower. Doesnt that mean you both share the same religious view? Is it something else that has you troubled? Perhaps that if he leaves his job to become a pastor you income and way of life may change drastically?

If you are Christ follower consider praying together as a couple for guidance.

I wish you the best.

Carmen.
 
Carmen829 said:
Janie I dont understand your dilemma. You say your husband is Christian and you are a Christ follower. Doesnt that mean you both share the same religious view? Is it something else that has you troubled? Perhaps that if he leaves his job to become a pastor you income and way of life may change drastically?

If you are Christ follower consider praying together as a couple for guidance.

I wish you the best.

Carmen.
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Thanks Nan, . .of course your opinion counts believer or non believer! I appreciate your thoughts.

Carmen you are right there is more to this. I don't know how to put this without making him and his family look bad but, . . .I don't feel like I meet their requirement of what a Christian mom/wife is supposed to be. I don't go to bible studies. I don't volunteer at the church and I don't like to sit around and chit chat for hours after service. I am just NOT a pastors wife. Maybe it makes me less of a Christian but I prefer to pray on my own. I like going to church and I'm friendly to people, . . . . but I prefer not to be social unless I have to. Does that make me a bad person?
Honestly I feel like this push from him and his family is turning me more and more away from the church. I actually would prefer to go to another church but we have kids and I don't know how you do that in a family without causing disruption. Deep sighs, . . . thanks for listening.
 
Hi Janie,

Wow, that's a tough one. I'm sorry you feel like you're in a position where you have to pretend or not be yourself. Of course that doesn't make you a bad person! I can relate in many ways. Have you told your husband how you feel? He must know your personality/preferences for private prayer, limited socializing, etc. This would be a dramatic change for you.

My husband and I have the same core beliefs but different religions so it works ok, but before we married we agreed to not push our beliefs onto the other. It has been fine with us, but I've had some difficult situations in the past with my family (like your in-laws perhaps) trying to convert my husband.

Hopefully you and your husband can talk very honestly and openly about what his becoming a pastor would mean to you and your whole family.

Wishing you the best,
 
Janie,

My heart goes out to you.

You cant help what you believe. Ardent following of a religion has to come from deep conviction. One cannot make oneself believe.

I can answer from my perspective. I could do the occasional hypocrisy (religious or otherwise) for my husband - for the sake of give and take and to cherish our mutual love. If something is deeply important to him and I dont believe in it, I can still go along and participate perhaps once every few months. But if I had to play a more orthodox religious person that I actually am on a sustained basis that would destroy my sense of myself and make me feel like I am living a lie. I wouldnt be able to be someone I am not on a sustained basis.

Not being social does not make you a bad person at all. Some people are just not outgoing.

However, I dont see why this has to come in the way of a marriage as long you can give each other space to be true to your convictions. Perhaps there are no pastors yet, whose wives are not completely involved in the church but he could be the first. Maybe more people who want to be pastors but have spouses who are less religious will then see how they too can become pastors. The best way to deal with it if he were to become a pastor in my opinion is to be open about the difference in your levels of religious commitment and give it time for people to accept the situation.
 
Hi Janie,

I had a close friend go through a similar situation. She was a "non-churchy" Christian - an artist (dancer) with a high degree of commitment to continuing her creative work, when she fell in love with a man who had a pastoral calling.

When they married, initially she felt some friction around what she assumed was expected of her, versus what she was willing to change about herself to conform. But over time she found ways to be involved without compromising who she was. She sang in choir and led creative movement play time in the children's rooms. Ultimately she came to enjoy her role - on her own terms.

I certainly understand your concern - when you are the "preacher's wife," there is sort of a figurehead role you seem to inherit, which can have its share of demands and even baggage that you may not want to take on.

Maybe you could find ways to be involved that are less social-centric - office administration comes to mind. Some churches have a reading/media library that require some monitoring and upkeep. Also, many churches offer a contemplative path for parishioners (meditative services, retreats), which are less focused on social interaction, and might be a more comfortable setting for you.

So yes, you may need to be involved to some degree in order to provide the support your husband will need, when he takes on such a responsible role. But churches can be as multi-faceted as the people that make them up, and hopefully you can hand-select activities that will allow you to feel you are fulfilling your role without trying to pretend you are someone you are not.

HTH,

Kristina
 
Janie - I cued right in on this:

"Maybe it makes me less of a Christian but I prefer to pray on my own. I like going to church and I'm friendly to people, . . . . but I prefer not to be social unless I have to. Does that make me a bad person?"

It does not make you a bad person nor a lesser Christian! Not all those who consider themselves "devout" just because they spend every waking hour in church or doing "good for others" are Christian. They can still be bad people. If they judge you as less than they, then they are not Christian. I was raised Catholic, but I have my issues with the church and the politics of religion in general. I am like you. I practice my faith in my own way and on my own terms.

This decision your DH is making is not only a faith decision, but a financial one - correct me if I'm wrong. I believe you have an equal say in this decision. As to what is expected of you. All I can really tell you is to be honest with him about how you feel and what you've told us about not wanting to be a "fake" pastor's wife. If he can accept your role as not quite as prominent as most and support you and your beliefs, then it's all good. If not, there will be problems.

I hope it all works out for you! You will be in my thoughts and I'll send positive energy for both of you for openness and understanding.
 
I don't think your position needs to be faith based, it seems your personality is just not cut out for the role of a pastor's wife. Is there another position within the church that your husband could involve himself extensively that does not require the "partnership" commitment of a pastoral calling?

I understand your feelings, though. My DH's family is totally church oriented- His parents were christian educators, my MIL's father was a pastor, etc..etc...
My DH very much believes in their chosen faith, me not so much. I am a person of faith, but not necessarily in agreement with their religion.
Sometimes I feel like I am an outsider in things, because I can't just quote from scripture at will, nor do I know the Bible stories by heart. Just stay true to your own faith.
 
I don't know the key to happiness but I do know the key to UNhappiness is trying to be someone you're not. :(

Ouch. I really feel for you Janie. That's a tough spot to be in especially if his family is pushing for this too.

Have you told you're husband that you would not become a "typical" pastor's wife if he pursues that vocation? Or, does he think you'll morph into one, given enough time and pressure?

Personally, I don't think one spouse should choose any career that doesn't fit the needs of his/her family or places unwanted demands on them. If my DH suddenly announced he wanted to take a job that involved 80% travel, well, that wouldn't work for me or our kids.

What is it about being a Pastor that appeals to your husband? Is it guiding others spiritually? Is it leading a parish? Is it serving God? Whatever the answer is, maybe your husband could find another way to satisfy his need w/o actually becoming a pastor?

Your happiness matters just as much as his and he must recognize that for your marriage to work. His family ought to realize that too.
 
Have you and your husband discussed clearly that you are uncomfortable with this possibility? does he understand you are uncomfortable with his family... at least on this topic?
there are a lot of jobs in the world... choosing one that would make your spouse uncomfortable, especially if he is assuming you'll play a big supporting role, seems to suggest he's not thinking or listening to you, or that he's putting his wants way ahead of what's good for your marriage.
 
janie1234 said:
I am just NOT a pastors wife.
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This, IMO, is the real problem. You can overcome a difference in religious belief, but he wants you to be a pastor's wife. That is an (unpaid) occupation not a religious belief. You really need to discuss this with him because if he becomes a pastor, you will be forced into a position you don't want to be in. That could ultimately be bad for both of you. I hope you and hubby can work this out.
 
This is a really tough one if those are the only two choices - your husband becomes a pastor and fulfills his dreams while you are forced into a role that makes you extremely uncomfortable, or he doesn't and is unable to fulfilly his dreams and you feel awful.

However, those aren't the only two choices, although I bet it feels like the only two choices right now.

Maybe it's time to widen the conversation - think creatively together. Determine if this is actually something he really really wants to do - that this and only this will make him happy - or if he just wants to be a "better" Christian, for example. Nail down what it is about being a pastor that would make him happy, and think about other ways that the two of you could accomplish that without making life hell for you. Time to be very truthful with each other and explore what each of you can and can't live with, day in and day out. Really spend some time together figuring out how you can make this a win-win for both of you.

After all, in the long run, I bet it's less important to him to be a pastor than it is that he doesn't have a miserable wife.

Theoretically, this could bring the two of you even closer together if you really do the hard work.
 
Major HUGS Janie!!! My father was a pastor when I was younger and my mother was JUST like you. She was absolutely miserable being a pastor's wife. And it didn't make her any less of a Christian. She just wasn't cut out to be a pastor's wife. It really takes a certain personality to pull it off - heck if I could stand it! I hope your husband seriously considers your feelings on this. Being a pastor's wife is a full time job too and he is going to be putting you in a really bad position because it does not sound like something you would enjoy at all.
 
My pastor's wife is not your typical pastor's wife. She is involved in the ministries she wants to be in. She is not at every service greeting people. She does things alone, and does things with him. Its seems to work for both of them.

You are not a bad person. I say talk to your husband about how you see your role and I'm sure he will support you as you will support him in his. After all Jesus accepts you as you are, why wouldnt your husband?

God bless,

Carmen.
 
Thanks everyone! Truly from the bottom of my heart. I really wish I could reach out and hug you all.

DH and I have spoken at length about it. I don't think he comprehends the amount of work involved with becoming a pastor. I don't want to rain on his parade but it really is not financialy practical. We have 2 kids and one is special needs. I can barely afford their taekwondo and fencing classes.
I am the youngest member of the church at the age of 35 not counting children. The average age is of most members is 65-70. I know age is just a number and it doesn't really matter how old people are. Heck my MIL was my best friend at the age of 76, but there is no one at the church I can relate to. I know it sounds horrible of me and I feel like an absolute kill joy. I mean there is no denying the fact that I'm basically trying to convince a man to not want to become a pastor. How can I NOT feel guilty about that.

Like morningstar said he fullfills his dream but the consequence is me being miserable.

Thanks everyone for listening. You are all the best.
 
Like another post...I think if you're forced or even guilted into somehow into being something you're not or feeling like less of a person b/c you have beliefs that don't coincide that is just wrong! You're not a bad person at all you're being honest with who you are! If you go on and it doesnt feel right all you'll be left with in the end is some major feelings of resentment. Religion is a personal choice. My family is a mix of Catholics, Atheists and Jehovah Witness...makes for some interesting holidays but we all get along great!
 
I guess my experience has been different. In the Methodist Church the ministers change churches every few years. Some of the wives are very involved but at least one I don't think I ever met. If you can agree that you can financially do his dream (separate problem), I would tell him exactly what you would be willing to do as a pastor's wife. If that is nothing so be it. A church doesn't really have to get two for the price of one.

I would think if he were a good pastor he could increase membership in your age group.
 
Janie, I think that you should stick to your guns. He is trying to make a huge decision that affects his whole family (socially, financially, emotionally, spiritually) and it seems to me that it would be the height of selfishness to pursue this knowing how you feel. I'm not a religious person anymore, but I grew up in a very religious family in the Lutheran church and it is a HUGE amount of work to be a pastor's wife, even if you're not really involved directly. It would mean that he'd have to go back to school (leaving you to deal with the kids yourself), then he'd be doing ministry and attending church functions and giving last rites and doing in-home services for shut-ins... the list goes on and on and on. Basically, even if you don't attend, it means he's leaving you to carry the load of the family all by yourself, and without even the financial stability you had prior to his becoming a pastor. And if you feel like his family is already looking down their noses at you, you already feel a ton of pressure and he hasn't even enrolled in seminary school yet!! I see this more likely becoming a source of misery and resentment for you than the theory that you'll "grow into it".

One can be perfectly happy being an involved Christian without having to be the head of the church. Why can't he just teach Sunday school or Bible study? That way he can fulfill his call to "lead a flock" but not do it full time?

MC
 
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