I do not understand....MEN

LastTango

LastTango

Cathlete
This past Friday, I had to walk away from a man I love. After being just friends for 3 years, and being together for 4, I had to walk away. We had a long distance relationship, and it was time for it to end. I finally forced myself to talk to him...do you love me? What do you want? Just TALK to me.

He says he loves me, but he cannot, will not commit. He is the first to admit this is a problem for him, always has been. He doesn't want anyone else, makes future plans for us....like I'm always going to be there. He says he doesn't know what he wants. I cannot love someone and only see them 5 or 6 times a year. We don't see other people, we talk every night....I believe that is a form of commitment whether he realizes it or not.

He says he is afraid to move forward because of what MIGHT happen. What if what happens is good? I feel like a fool. I know about his past...we both have a past. He pursued me, and I said no in the beginning. Then I got to know him, and he's not a bad guy. There was always something between us, so I gave it a shot. I didn't want to say WHAT IF ....

I tried to prepare myself for this. I knew it was coming. It still hurts like hell.

I am so irritated with myself for letting it happen.
 
Hang in there! I always believe that everything happens for a reason, and what's meant to be will be. I know they're cliches, but my life has usually worked out that way. Sending ((((((hugs)))))) your way....
Paula
 
I don't understand them either. I'm sure they say the same about us.

You did what was right for you. Don't second guess yourself.

Hang in there! :D
 
Melagras said exactly the right thing; you did what you know is right for you. Hang in there! Don't ever settle for less!
 
Sending you Hugs! Relationships are always hard, but when you feel it isn't going to last or go anywhere you need to take care of yourself and your future.
 
You hooked me with the title of this thread! Isn't that the truth?!

You did the right thing. The only way to create the space in your life for the kind of relationship you want is to eliminate or "redefine" the one that is no longer good for you.

Take this time to just be with yourself. Love will float back in your life when you least expect it. It is something to look forward to.

Sending positive thoughts your way....

Elizabeth
 
emigliori said:
You hooked me with the title of this thread! Isn't that the truth?!

You did the right thing. The only way to create the space in your life for the kind of relationship you want is to eliminate or "redefine" the one that is no longer good for you.

Take this time to just be with yourself. Love will float back in your life when you least expect it. It is something to look forward to.

Sending positive thoughts your way....

Elizabeth
Click to expand...

Ain't THAT the truth???

MJ
 
LastTango said:
This past Friday, I had to walk away from a man I love. After being just friends for 3 years, and being together for 4, I had to walk away. We had a long distance relationship, and it was time for it to end. I finally forced myself to talk to him...do you love me? What do you want? Just TALK to me.

He says he loves me, but he cannot, will not commit. He is the first to admit this is a problem for him, always has been. He doesn't want anyone else, makes future plans for us....like I'm always going to be there. He says he doesn't know what he wants. I cannot love someone and only see them 5 or 6 times a year. We don't see other people, we talk every night....I believe that is a form of commitment whether he realizes it or not.

He says he is afraid to move forward because of what MIGHT happen. What if what happens is good? I feel like a fool. I know about his past...we both have a past. He pursued me, and I said no in the beginning. Then I got to know him, and he's not a bad guy. There was always something between us, so I gave it a shot. I didn't want to say WHAT IF ....

I tried to prepare myself for this. I knew it was coming. It still hurts like hell.

I am so irritated with myself for letting it happen.
Click to expand...

LastTango,

I really really really feel for your situation since I have a similiar one that I am in. There is no commitment, anger from him when I try to find someone else (even though he is on dating sites), and I have not even seen him in well over a year even though we live in the same city. Yet for someone reason, I can't seem to fully let him go. I try to meet other men but it seems like the connection just fizzles and it never feels as strong as when things were good between him and I. Unfortunately, it hasn't been good for awhile and in all honesty, I don't know if it ever will be. Anyway, please don't blame yourself or be mad at yourself. Relationships are hard and sometimes we just get stuck on people even though we know better. You are an extremely strong woman for doing the right thing and walking away. Big hugs -- just remember, time really does heal all wounds.
 
Yeah, some people are just too chicken shit to take a chance on love, on being happy, on making a deep and abiding connection, on anything really. What is the big deal? I don't see it. If you love someone, you need to consider yourself damn lucky to have found someone who loves you, cares about you, just the way you are, all of you, and then you move heaven and earth to be with that person because home is not a question of geography. Home is the people in your life.

If he can't make this leap with you, you have to walk away. How much more of your life will you sit around and wait for him to be ready? How much more love will you pour into a vacuum? That's what I cannot stand because if you continue to pour love onto infertile ground, all that will happen is that you will grow empty, resentful and bitter. I know this because I have done this for years within a marriage. It cannot sustain you in the long run. Eventually, you have to enact self-preservation. Luckily, you have reached this point now, before you moved acros the US to devote yourself to a man who could not and will not devote himself to you. There has to be equality for it to work. He has to give equally, of himself, his time and his love, if not more than you, in fact.

I have always given more, I always put my relationship before my career and now it is not paying dividends. Now I find myself stuck in a marriage going absolutely nowhere. I didn't see it back then. I gave too much of myself. Should have kept some back, should have prioritized myself over his career more. The road ahead is painful.

Your road ahead will also be painful, for a while yet. But you will gradually cease to hurt quite so much, if you can start filling your life with other people, activities, interests to fill the spaces in your mind, time life and heart that he used to occupy. Stay busy: don't let the bitterness in. You did nothing wrong and you can't be angry that you did, for a time, get to experience love. It wasn't quite what you needed or deserved but you are richer for it, more experienced and therefore more able to show empathy to others, yes?

Don't you get tired sometimes of having to be so strong all the damn time? I know I do. And yet: what choice is there really? Self-respect and self-preservation demand that you stick with this choice you have made.

Know that we understand and we are here supporting you throughout the painful days. Come and chat and tell us how you feel whenever you need to do so.

Clare
 
Clare,

Yes, I get tired sometimes. I do everything, take care of everything, make all the decisions in my life, and it is good that I am capable of that.....sometimes though, I would like to know someone has my back.

I guess I have a hard time reconciling the two parts of him: the interesting, funny, generous side...and this side that is emotionally shut down anytime feelings or relationship issues involving us (not other people) come up. Just a bit always at a distance. It would be comical if it wasn't so sad....it's like watching a force field go up all around him. I'm like, man, this could make a good science project....

I had an interesting conversation with a coworker who is a big time commitment phobe. It was interesting to hear a perspective from that side. She was a little confused by his behavior too: his actions vs what he says.

Sorry you are not happy. I've been through a divorce, so I know how a marriage can go bad.

I just keep reminding myself that I have more balls than he does; at least I faced my fears and talked to him to try and make him understand what he means to me and what I want in this life. All he can say is "I don't know" and "I'm afraid of what MIGHT happen".

What I would love to tell him is first of all...that he "doesn't know what he wants" is utter and complete crap. He's 52 years old with lots of life experience. You can't tell me that somewhere along the way, after many women, he hasn't given one iota of thought to where his life is going. If you want to be free....just admit it. Date around. Sleep around if you want, but for God's sake, make sure and tell every woman you go out with that that is all you want. Don't pursue her if she doesn't want you. Don't let it go on very long, and make all kinds of plans, and make her feel like you want her there. To do that...knowing that you will never bring your full self to the table, and allowing it to continue...it's just cruel and heartless in my opinion.
 
Remember that you cannot change someone else's behavior -- you can only change yours. Interestingly, when you change yours sometimes that makes the other person change! I was in a "4-year first date" (that's what I call relationships where the guy won't commit). I got sick of it and started looking into moving. I made sure he knew I was working on making that change. I NEVER put a deadline on him or anything. Well, now we are approaching our 25th wedding anniversary!

Usually with men, they will not make a change unless there is a real reason to do it. If you are going along taking up all the slack, why in the world should they not just LOVE the situation and let it continue on and on? They are comfortable and there's not a problem to solve. Guys are problem-solvers. If you change the rules, they have a problem to solve!

I have to say that when I changed in my relationship, I took the risk of losing him. In my mind I had come to the conclusion that I had had it with the relationship and felt I was ready to make a change regardless of what he did. All of a sudden he had a problem that he needed to solve. As he saw me sending out resumes to jobs in a city I thought I'd like to live in, he eventually produced a diamond and has been a great husband ever since!
 
Exercise lover,

Yes, I understand you can't change other people's behavior. That's why I told him how I felt, even though I was scared to death. I told him I was scared. I was calm, didn't get over dramatic....I didn't give any ultimatums. I asked what he felt, and what did he want, and why was he scared? I wanted to give him an open floor to say anything. I have been questioning myself today on whether I did the right thing or not by leaving, but when it became apparent that he wasn't open to the idea, I felt his behavior would not change. He was surprised when I left.

I don't know. I hate second guessing. all I can do now is try to get on with things, and see what happens.
 
Last Tango,

Ask yourself if you were satisfied with the relationship as it was. There were probably some things that kept you "hanging on." I remember thinking a little bit of him was better than none. When I'd reached the conclusion that it was truly not enough, that's when I knew I could not continue and that a little bit of him was NOT enough.

The problem with continuing in the relationship is that you are spending your time when you could be finding someone else who might be just right for you. Just be sure to LEARN from this relationship so that each future one will NOT be a "4-year first date."

My mother used to tell me that "the one who cares the least dominates the relationship!" I just could not hear that while I was "stuck" in the relationship. After I made my change, I fully understood. . .

I bet you are feeling some remorse. Just remember all the frustration and sad times you've had. Think about your feelings of insecurity that he may have brought out in you. Not worth it! You deserve someone who will treasure you. Who knows, he may figure some things out. The future is unknown. Just have STANDARDS for future relationships and don't deviate from them. Sometimes we settle for waaaaaaay less than we deserve. Hope this helps.
 
Exercise-lover,

Thank you for reminding me. No, I wasn't happy....or better yet, I couldn't stop putting off some of the things that were happening. Things could have continued in this way for years, and I knew it was time for some honesty.

Yes, there were things that kept me hanging on: the way we got along so well, and mainly, the way he was always making plans for us in the future....it made me think he did really want me in his life.

And it was frustrating: mainly just this vibe that he gives off...like he was always a bit distant to keep there form being too much commitment, his snarky commentary on people who are in committed relationships....how they are suckers and fools. I've called him out on it before, asking, why do you do that? The last straw was this summer when he said "I'm glad I don't have a wife or a mother in law". I think he was talking to himself. He didn't know I heard him. He never understood that by saying those things, he was indirectly saying something about me, about us....like we don't matter? A mutual friend of ours told me yesterday that she had felt for a while that he wasn't as invested in the relationship as I was. She had hoped it was just a guy thing.

He's a very easy going guy, not a bad man. I guess that's why I let him in the door after knowing him a while, even when I knew his past history. My fault.

I had a very bad night last night....in and out of sleep. It's going to be a long day at work.
 
Last edited:
I say life is too short to waste time in an unhappy relationship. I spent years in a relationship that I gave my all too and only got drama back. I kept remembering how much fun he and use to have but then I realized all I was to him was a bed buddy and everything was always on his terms.
I was living with him and moved out when I broke up with him. For the next year he bugged me constantly trying to get me back even though he was playing with many other girls. I got off work one day and he had put a ring and a note on the driver seat of my car! I melted and gave in to the promise that things would be different. Yeah that lasted 3 days. I was a fool because I had such strong feelings for him since he was my first love.
I had to move away because he literally made my life unbearable through our friends and he constantly harassed me. I went through so much drama from the other girls he was with and I physically couldn't handle it any more. Once I moved I focused on my health and went through CBT to deal with my emotions. Went back to college. Low and behold I ran into a man that I was sweet on in high school. Since I had taken time to heal I didn't bring any of the baggage into the new relationship and I've been consistently happy and even more so since we've been married.
I learned that I am in control of my environment and I have the power change it when things don't suit me.
Life is too short to waste on someone who doesn't give you his all to make you feel wanted and loved.
The right one will show up when you least expect it. I wasn't looking for it but love found me. Now I know that there is more to it then just the twitter payted feelings that you feel in the beginning. It's being a team and working together. He always considers my feelings in all that he does and I do likewise.
One thing I learned in past relationships is that some men will do everything to get you and then nothing to keep you. But there are some really true gentlemen out there who would love the opportunity to spend the rest of their life showing you that you are loved.
 
Last Tango,

I'm so sorry that you are going through so much pain. It's almost like having surgery without anestheisia! He was a big part of you. You had so many hopes and dreams and invested lots of time and effort in him. That's going to hurt to walk away.

The last poster said something really important. She talked about how she worked on herself with some good therapy. Fix what your part was in that broken relationship so you won't keep finding these guys! Don't date for awhile. Just focus on healing and moving on.

I know a lady who lingered on and on with a noncommited man. When she was 43, he dumped her and said she was too old to have children!!!!!!!!!!! You talk about a bitter lady. She has so many regrets that she did not leave the guy and find someone who would value what she had to give while she was still young enough to have a family. Be glad you're not her. You're taking care of yourself!

Try to focus on what you want your life to be like in a year. Make some goals and start working toward them. Do a big self improvement project. Pamper yourself. I hope you have some good friends and family for a support system. Consider therapy. Just hug yourself through the pain. Keep putting one step in front of the other. You'll find someone who will be worthy of you.

Hang in there!
 
My mother told right before I left my then husband that "you will know when the time is right. You won't cry about it or make a fuss." She was right. That time eventually came a few weeks later and I never looked back. You have to be emotionally ready to cut ties and move on.
 
maddiesmum said:
Yeah, some people are just too chicken shit to take a chance on love, on being happy, on making a deep and abiding connection, on anything really. What is the big deal? I don't see it. If you love someone, you need to consider yourself damn lucky to have found someone who loves you, cares about you, just the way you are, all of you, and then you move heaven and earth to be with that person because home is not a question of geography. Home is the people in your life.

If he can't make this leap with you, you have to walk away. How much more of your life will you sit around and wait for him to be ready? How much more love will you pour into a vacuum? That's what I cannot stand because if you continue to pour love onto infertile ground, all that will happen is that you will grow empty, resentful and bitter. I know this because I have done this for years within a marriage. It cannot sustain you in the long run. Eventually, you have to enact self-preservation. Luckily, you have reached this point now, before you moved acros the US to devote yourself to a man who could not and will not devote himself to you. There has to be equality for it to work. He has to give equally, of himself, his time and his love, if not more than you, in fact.

I have always given more, I always put my relationship before my career and now it is not paying dividends. Now I find myself stuck in a marriage going absolutely nowhere. I didn't see it back then. I gave too much of myself. Should have kept some back, should have prioritized myself over his career more. The road ahead is painful.

Your road ahead will also be painful, for a while yet. But you will gradually cease to hurt quite so much, if you can start filling your life with other people, activities, interests to fill the spaces in your mind, time life and heart that he used to occupy. Stay busy: don't let the bitterness in. You did nothing wrong and you can't be angry that you did, for a time, get to experience love. It wasn't quite what you needed or deserved but you are richer for it, more experienced and therefore more able to show empathy to others, yes?

Don't you get tired sometimes of having to be so strong all the damn time? I know I do. And yet: what choice is there really? Self-respect and self-preservation demand that you stick with this choice you have made.

Know that we understand and we are here supporting you throughout the painful days. Come and chat and tell us how you feel whenever you need to do so.

Clare
Click to expand...

You just described my marriage. So eloquent, so true. I believe the person who loves the *least* in the relationship has all the power.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top