How would you feel if your husband.....

[Worknprogress]

was reading your text messages or email without your consent or knowledge?

I found out my husband was doing this in recent weeks and have asked him not to do it. He has not stopped even though he said he won't do it anymore. He justifies it because we have a lot going on with my two older children which are his stepchildren. He wants to know what I am hiding (that is his reason for doing it).

I try and take precautions like log out of my email everytime I go out of our office and carry my phone around with me.

I just feel very violated and told him that this is coming between us as husband and wife. I also said he has forced me to get a new cell phone that has a security function (I have an older phone). He then just yelled at me that I was not allowed to purchase one.

Am I justified here?

 

[jldx2in2000]

I truly believe that trust and honesty are the two biggest cornerstones of a marraige.

Unless my husband did something to violate my trust of him, I would never snoop into his cell phone messages or email messages. Right now, I trust him to come to me if he has a problem or feels there are issues that I should be aware of.

I agree that this gives the appearance that he doesn't trust you which will come between any married couple.

I am sorry you are going through this and hope you two can work things out.

 

[Dela]

There seems to be a lot going on here, but to simply answer your question, yes you are justified to be upset and feel violated. I am sorry you even have to deal with something this, it's not normal for him to be snooping around your messages.

 

[BuffyR]

I would be furious. Honestly, I can't even imagine that. My husband won't even retrieve something from my purse when I ask him to because he thinks he is violating my privacy; he'll just bring me my purse for me to get whatever I want.

It seems to me there is something deeper going on here. Is this kind of behavior new to your husband or has he always been this way? If its new, I would say try to get to the bottom of what is bothering him. Good luck.

 

[ImFiddY]

I'll be brutally honest - This type of behavior scares the hell out of me.

Your husband has a very high control issue. This type of behavior only leads to further escalations and it's such a instinct in people that you will not be able to control it. It's like an addiction.

My father was a control freak. He gave my mother an allowance, he tracked her car mileage, and then it advanced to beating her.

Please seek out professional help. I would never put up with anyone sneaking around and trying to control me. Not after what I witnessed in my growing up. And also think about your kids. They are witnessing this.

You are not only justified, It's a deal breaker issue in a marriage.

 

[cindi1]

Sad situation - trust is foundational to a marriage.

 

[PhyllisG]

To put it simply he has no business reading your emails, checking your phone, opening your mail, going in your purse or whatever else. Good luck and I hope you can resolve this.

 

[Elle_p]

You are justified. And what's with him yelling at you that you are not allowed to buy a new phone???????

 

[Fit_mommy]

ITA with the other posters. I would be FUMING!!!!!!!

 

[wendygurl]

I would be furious. Honestly, I can't even imagine that. My husband won't even retrieve something from my purse when I ask him to because he thinks he is violating my privacy; he'll just bring me my purse for me to get whatever I want.

It seems to me there is something deeper going on here. Is this kind of behavior new to your husband or has he always been this way? If its new, I would say try to get to the bottom of what is bothering him. Good luck.

FUnny you said that about the purse. My husband is the same way. Or he will say "permission to access the queens purse" lol. But we have a great trust, and he would never check my texts or messages. He has told me my phone went off, but that is where it ends. I work with a lady whose husband does the same thing and I always thought it was very controlling. She refuses to confront her husband, so I don't offer up advice. This is definately a control issue and it will eat you up if you don't put a stop to it.

 

[Jonezie]

Sorry to be the dissenting opinion here. And I have to say I'm more concerned that he said you weren't "allowed" to buy a new phone. But I can't imagine a marriage where my husband, lifelong partner and soul mate was not allowed access to my personal information. In your case, because you've obviously started your relationship with these boundaries, it looks like it's an issue. And he's taken to "snooping," which can never be good. But why didn't you begin your relationship that way? I mean, my dad is computer illiterate and would need my mom how to show him where the "enter" key was on her laptop. But they share an email address and she's often having to remind him of what their password is again. The same with my best friend and her husband...sometimes her hubby will need to look up something on her e-mail (maybe from the realtor who is selling their home) and she'll call out her password so he can look it up while she's still in the bathroom putting on makeup. And how many times a day do we leave our cell phones lying around? It would be exhausting trying to keep it hidden from your husband the rest of your lives.

Sure...it's easy for all of us to say what we would and wouldn't do. And there is obviously a lot of back story to this...and a lot more going on. But if I'm going to share my bed, my body, and my bank account with someone, you can be damn sure I'm going to be ok with them knowing my e-mail password and other "personal" information. And if my husband reacted defensively to me knowing his e-mail password or having access to his texts, I would think there was something to be worried about (even if there wasn't).

That's just me.

Jonezie

 

[ImFiddY]

Sorry to be the dissenting opinion here. And I have to say I'm more concerned that he said you weren't "allowed" to buy a new phone. But I can't imagine a marriage where my husband, lifelong partner and soul mate was not allowed access to my personal information. In your case, because you've obviously started your relationship with these boundaries, it looks like it's an issue. And he's taken to "snooping," which can never be good. But why didn't you begin your relationship that way? I mean, my dad is computer illiterate and would need my mom how to show him where the "enter" key was on her laptop. But they share an email address and she's often having to remind him of what their password is again. The same with my best friend and her husband...sometimes her hubby will need to look up something on her e-mail (maybe from the realtor who is selling their home) and she'll call out her password so he can look it up while she's still in the bathroom putting on makeup. And how many times a day do we leave our cell phones lying around? It would be exhausting trying to keep it hidden from your husband the rest of your lives.

Sure...it's easy for all of us to say what we would and wouldn't do. And there is obviously a lot of back story to this...and a lot more going on. But if I'm going to share my bed, my body, and my bank account with someone, you can be damn sure I'm going to be ok with them knowing my e-mail password and other "personal" information. And if my husband reacted defensively to me knowing his e-mail password or having access to his texts, I would think there was something to be worried about (even if there wasn't).

That's just me.

Jonezie

I believe the difference in what you are describing and worknprogress is that you would have set up your relationship to be open whereas worknprogress's husband is going behind her back and snooping. Her husband is not being open with her and asking what is going on with her children, he chose to snoop and go behind her back. That's low. And anyone who would forbid her to get a new phone smacks of controlling. And controlling is scary.

and... I know all my husbands passwords and he knows mine but I respect him enough to ask if I ever wanted to access something. I respect his privacy and he respects mine.

 

[jldx2in2000]

Jonezie - I see what you are saying and I certainly don't have a problem with my husband knowing any of my information because I trust him that much; however, as workinprogress describes, it seems he does not trust her to come to him with any information she feels he needs to know. That in my opinion is a bigger problem.

I guess I feel marraiges should be open enough to have access to the each partner's information but you should also trust your partner so there is no need to access that information.

Hope that made sense!

 

[cindi1]

I guess I feel marraiges should be open enough to have access to the each partner's information but you should also trust your partner so there is no need to access that information.

Exactly! Well said.

 

[jdimascio]

Not sure I can even explain what I am going through right now...but basically, my husband goes through everything. Email, facebook...I recently noticed that he was looking to see if I had any PM on Cathe's forum. I leave these things logged on because I thought I could trust him to not go on them, but he did anyway. The problem with email too, is that it can be read many ways and interpretted different depending on who's reading it. I thought I could trust him, but it seems my husband has nothing better to do than spend hours reading my private stuff! I think some thingse meant to be private. He doesn't need to know everything.

So, I understand what you are going through. It's wrong, and it could potentially destroy your marriage. It's caused a lot of problems with mine.

 

[Jonezie]

I believe the difference in what you are describing and worknprogress is that you would have set up your relationship to be open whereas worknprogress's husband is going behind her back and snooping. Her husband is not being open with her and asking what is going on with her children, he chose to snoop and go behind her back. That's low. And anyone who would forbid her to get a new phone smacks of controlling. And controlling is scary.

and... I know all my husbands passwords and he knows mine but I respect him enough to ask if I ever wanted to access something. I respect his privacy and he respects mine.

Absolutely, IMFiddy...we are saying the same thing:

I have to say I'm more concerned that he said you weren't "allowed" to buy a new phone.

In your case, because you've obviously started your relationship with these boundaries, it looks like it's an issue. And he's taken to "snooping," which can never be good.
Jonezie

 

[dr.mel_PT]

I would feel completely violated if I were you. Just to reiterate what everyone already said, trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. He should trust you completely and not sneak around behind your back, looking into your personal life. His reaction to you telling him how you feel concerns me too; why would he yell at you for speaking up about your concerns? I bet if you went snooping through his stuff he wouldn't think too highly of it.

I'm not married but I have been in 2 LT relationships; the 1st one was 4 years and he was a control freak. He read my emails, looked at what phone #s were in my phone, my texts, everything. When I asked him to stop he said "Why, do you not want me to see something" and I said no it's just private. He got so angry and just to appease him I allowed him to continue monitoring what I did. I felt like I was in grade school again with the teacher looking over my shoulder! Eventually it escalated into him telling me who and who I couldn't hang out with, when and where I could go out: allowing him to control 1 aspect of my life gave him license to control ALL aspects of it. I couldn't take it anymore so I broke it off. My BF now is very respectful of my privacy; if he needs something from my bag, he will bring it to me so he doesn't look through it. If he needs to check something on my computer, he makes me type the password in and doesn't look while I'm doing it. If he needs to use my cell phone, he will ask me to dial the # so he doesn't look at whatever I have in there. We have been together for almost 5 years now and trust each other completely.

My advice is if you can get counseling, go for it. Eventually this will take a tremendous toll on your relationship and can escalate into something worse. Best of luck to you!!!!!

 

[Fit_mommy]

My 2 cents on the topic in a little more detail...

Snooping is wrong. I don't care why you think you are justified in doing it. It's wrong. If you want to know something or see something that you were not given "free reign" to access THEN ASK FIRST! If you feel you can not trust your partner then do not stay in the relationship. If you want no boundaries where privacy is concerned then that needs to be discussed and agreed upon. You can't just willy nilly change the rules when it suits you as seems to be the case with the OP's husband right now. JMHO.

 

[Liann]

Sounds like there is a lot going on. He is either very controlling or he doesn't trust you and is checking up on you for some reason. If there's problems in the marriage, he may feel this is his only way to find out what is going on with you and what your thinking/saying. It's hard for us to say anything about his motives or him as a person since we do not know what has happened to make him start doing this (or what the heck he is thinking to do it) and you said it's only been in the last few weeks, so it sounds like a new development - or did you only just find out in the last few weeks? The fact that he will not stop after you have talked to him is a little disconcerting.

I will admit to being on the other end of this. I found out that a certain girl (who had tried to break DH and I up before) from college had e-mailed my DH (he mentioned it) and so I started stalking his e-mail just waiting for her to e-mail again so I could let her have it. This was very early on in our marriage and we were having a little bit of a rough patch. The intent wasn't really to spy on "him", but to see what the heck she was writing and to block her. Yes, I actually went in to my DH's mail and blocked someone without telling him. And I'll admit I wasn't all too trusting of him at that time either. I've been around a lot of cheaters in my life and trusting men in general is next to impossible for me. I've been disappointed way too many times and I just have that "men are dogs" mentality ingrained in my brain, so yeah, I was weak and checked up on him. I don't do it anymore though and I did tell him. We talked about it and are now very open with our e-mail accounts, facebook accounts etc... and I've learned to trust him - he's worked hard to earn it. Maybe you guys need to have a deeper talk about what's going on behind all this? And maybe he needs counseling. Lord knows I could have used it!

p.s. I'm still a jealous biotch by the way. My DH thinks it's cute though and I've learned to chill out.

 

[Worknprogress]

Yes, I have kept things from my husband. It never started out that way but unfortunately, my almost 23 y/o son is an addict. He is in recovery right now, but just relapsed and is back in treatment.

We started down this path 6 years ago and in the begining of my son's drug use, we were very united. Somewhere along the way, my husband's feelings changed about my son. He was very angry at what my son's addiction did not only to me but to the entire family.

He is entitled to every bit of anger he has as my son has put us through hell and back so many times. However, I hate the drugs, I hate what they did to him and to us but at the end of the day, he is still my son.

My husband's anger toward my son changed how he treated him, even when he was in recovery. It put even more stress on our situation so in the last couple of years, I have hidden the "ugliness" of my son's addiction from him. I dealt with it completely on my own, only telling my best friend and my sisters.

Any one who has dealt with an addict in their family know the horrific life you begin to lead. I felt if I kept it from my husband, in the hopes that one day my son lives a drug-free life, that there will be something left of their relationship.

It was also hard to hear from my husband his feelings about my son. Again, he is entitled to his anger, but it is hard to hear how much someone pretty much hates your own flesh and blood.

So that is the "back story."