How to get DH to understand/accept?

F

famousohara

Cathlete
A little bit of background . . .

Married for 12 years and we have both lived a relatively unhealthy existence. We both work hard and like to enjoy ourselves on the weekends and whenever vacation time rolls around - lots of beer, food and friends. I've gone through spurts of exercising followed by longer spurts of not exercising . . . and we've both done Atkins a couple times with some success even though I've come to learn that balanced clean foods is best.

I'm very serious about becoming healthy and fit - in fact, I turn 40 in May and would like to be in significantly better shape. That would be my gift to me. So I'm counting calories, fats/carbs/proteins, exercising and trying to live a much better existence. My DH is not interested in doing so.

Last night we argued. He thinks I'm fine and don't need to do any of the things I'm doing. He also thinks I'm becoming obsessed and judgemental. I told him I need to be focused because falling off the wagon for me is way too easy . . . needless to say, things are really strained at home. I got defensive and that alone indicates to him that I'm too serious about this.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can make this change more palatable for him? How can I assure him that I'm still going to be the same person - inside?

Sorry this was so long but I was really bummed all night by this.

Mo
 
just my opinion Mo but based on personal experience with DH it IS possible that you are becoming (or coming across as) judgemental & superior (my DH's words to me a few years back)

Respect that this is a difference of opinion in lifestyle and do your thing that makes you feel better and let him do his. Many nights I feed DH my protein source & veggies PLUS I make him a side I wouldnt eat... Keeps him happy and me fit & healthy.

This is all just my opinion of course based on what I saw I was doing to our relationship- its amazing what HE will CHOOSE to do when you no longer discuss (preach) to him about what you're doing.

Many good thoughts coming your way- its hard I know.
 
This could be insecurity on his part.

Many times, when one significant other "betters" themselves and/or physically changes, it can cause insecurity on the other's side. It may bring about feelings of "why isn't he good enough for you now" and as well as "will you still want him if you suddenly become 'hot' (not saying you're not now!)".

I would suggest trying to lead by example, rather than bring him along with you. After time, when he sees the positive impact and life changes that you've made...he just may change his tune.

And if not, you can only do for you.

My DH does not understand my committment to fitness either. So I tend to stay less vocal about it, cook to my standards (which he eats and doesn't even realize he's eating healthy) and answer questions when he has them.

That's about all you can do, and hope that he chooses to come along with you in time.
 
Mo,

I have been married to my DH for fourteen years and I have learned many things. The most important lesson being too much change too fast can be hard. What I mean is that, making subtle changes over time may be easier for your DH to accept.

For me, I began working out every day after all of the chores were done in the afternoon after work. Gradually, DH began to notice that he spent more time alone in front of the boob tube each evening because I was busy. :)
When he realized that I was devoted to it, he asked if he could join in. I was so excited.

The other changes in diet came on the same way. I stopped buying junk food and began to prepare healthy meals without a word. My DH wouldn't be caught dead in the supermarket. :) When he would ask where are the chips, I would simply reply that I hadn't bought any...

I don't know if this will work for you because I really do not know your situation, but maybe these methods can help you.

Take a deep breath and remember that you are making these changes for YOU. :) Good luck to you!
 
Mo, I have to agree with the other posters. I'm not married but have been dating my SO for almost 4 1/2 years.

I too am about to turn 40 and my gift to myself is a fit body. So, to that end I have been doing my Cathe workouts, buying weights, reading BFFM, and generally improving myself.

When I mention what I'm doing to him I find he becomes resistant to hearing about it, and he has a sort of negative vibe about the whole thing.

Overall I know he loves me and wants me strong and healthy, but I strongly agree that our efforts to improve ourselves are seen as some kind of a threat and a dig at their own self-image. He's not unhealthy by any means but I know he wants to exercise more.

So, I just do what I need to do and I don't talk about it. It's something I'm doing for me anyway so I choose other places to share - like this board! :)

HTH!
 
its amazing what HE will CHOOSE
>to do when you no longer discuss (preach) to him about what
>you're doing.
>
this is so true. men don't like when we preach to them. I learned in the little experience I have LOL.... that when you do as you wish without pushing him, he will do the same!

For example, if I want to go somewhere and he doesn't. I organize it with my friends... and suddenly he wants to go. Just do what you want and when he will see you enjoying it, he will give more importance. men are complicated.... i feel!
 
Hey Mo,

Don't push, don't say anything...just do your thing. I been married 16 years and my hubby use to make jokes when I started exercising and watching what I was eating. I use to try to get him to join me but he would laugh. This was about 3 1/2 years ago. Well with dedication to both eating and exercise I dropped 30 pounds and it certainly did not go unnotice by my husband. I will not forget it...we were sitting watching TV one night and he said to me ok what do I need to do to lose weight.

They eventually follow just do your thing...he will notice.

Therese;)
 
Mo, you've gotten really great feedback here. My husband works like a dog, but is SO unfit (he even smokes!). It hurts me so much because I love him and want him around for as long as possible! He is EXTREMELY supportive of me, partly because I don't make comments about what he's doing or not doing. I will occasionally say to him, "Would you just maybe think about quitting smoking? I'm not trying to preach to you, I just love you so much!" and let it go at that.

Just quietly set the example, and reassure him that you love him. That should do the trick!

Liz
 
Thanks to everyone for their thoughts . . .

I will be more conscious of doing my thing "quietly". That seems to be the common denominator here. And truly, if I am excited about what I'm learning or doing - this is the perfect forum to share that. Thanks for lifting my spirits today, you are all wonderful.

Mo
 
I can relate...my dh said I looked fine and didn't need to get bulky..Sometimes when I have doms and am whining he says is it worth it? I say YEP!! Beats depression....I think keeping it on the down low and he will slowly follow...I bought salad and fresh veggies at the store..my dh says I am not changing the way I eat so I said fine you don't have to...since I didn't pressure he eats with me salads...yay! He and I don't talk much about fitness so that way he leaves me alone about his feelings..He said I couldnt get heavier weights...my birthday came and that is what I asked for...my bday my present...i got a barbell!! I lift that barbell when he is gone. I talk to you all and read alot here for my support...I think they do come along in time...good luck to both of us...:)
 
Well, for me it was very simple. Before I started workout out DH and I would always have take out and just lounge. This was almost 10 yrs ago and I put on weight while he stayed exactly the same. I started running and eventually got involved in other things but I never made him feel as if he should join me. And as crazy as this sounds, I made 2 different meals all the time. It really isn't that hard cause if there was meat, I had something else while he had fries.And b/c of this, I don't think he truly noticed that I was working on changing my body. He didn't know what I ate or didn't eat when I wasn't around him.

Bottom line, I got to where I wanted to be but never made him feel like he should follow. And if he is insecure then that has more to do with him then it does with you. In time he will realize that you aren't changing on the inside and I bet he will want to jump on the wagon with you. And if he pressures you to eat something or do something you don't want to do then tell him to respect your wishes. I think people who eat poorly sometimes, like having company when doing so. DH is always trying to get me to have a so called "snack" with him, but the majority of the time he is eating alone.

Good luck and I hope you find the answers you are looking for

Lori:)
 
Annette Bethel


I hate to tell ya but I am in the same siutation. You don't get him to change or accept. You have to keep to keep doing what you are doing! It ain't gonna happen. Sorry to be blunt, but it is about your health. However, wants he notices the changes in you both on the inside and outside, then he'll notice. Meanwhile, you will have to be the stronger one.
 
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