How old at children's birth?

M

MCunningham

Cathlete
Hi, all...

DH and I are considering trying for a baby in about a year (we've been married almost 6 years). He is impatient because he's now 31 and believes that he'll be an "old dad" and thinks he should have had kids already. I'm nervous because I'm 28 and-- while my biological clock is starting to faintly tick-- I've just never been on the "let's have a kid" bandwagon.

I proposed to him earlier this week that we have our first in 2010 (conceive next fall, if all goes as planned), when he's 33 (and I'm 30) and then our second in 2012, when he's 35 (and I'm 32). He practically freaked out, saying that is way too old to have kids. I'm completely at a loss, because I just don't agree with him at all, and I'm just wondering about all of your experiences, if you're willing to share them. Am I crazy for thinking that those are perfectly fine ages for having kids? Is he crazy for having such a rigid view on the "proper" age to have children?

I refuse to be emotionally "cornered" or "bullied" into having a kid before I'm ready (not that he's doing that really, but he's not really being flexible either), but I feel genuinely guilty for not being as gung-ho as him on this matter and for denying him something he really wants. He's wanted kids for at least 3 years now, and up to about 2 months ago, I'd have a panic attack every time someone even MENTIONED kids! (I'm the eldest of 5 girls, he's the youngest of 2 and the only boy. He somehow believes kids will be a walk in the park and that I'm blowing the amount of work it takes to be a parent out of proportion. Which makes me nervous.)

I'm wondering, how old were you all and your partners when you had kids? Did it feel too young or too old or just right? Any advice?

MC
 
Hi MC ~ I was hanging on to 29 when we had our first..... hanging on to 33 when we had our 2nd..... and if all goes well I'll be 38 1/2 when I have this baby in April. We would have had our first earlier but had some unexpected infertility issues.

I felt just right when we started our family. I am not the best mother in the world but better than I would have been in my early twenties (I was 19 when we married). I knew I wanted kids at some point but had no real desire until I was 26. I was happy with DH and me, and we thoroughly enjoyed the first 10 years of just us. Now, I can't imagine my life without the lil ones.
 
I was 33 when I gave birth to Nicole. Hubby was two months shy of 39. We're now one month shy of 51 (me) and 56, and Nicole is 17. If anything, having her has kept us from acting/getting "old" - LOL! I wouldn't worry about the age issue unless there's some other reason to do so. But I also think it should be a mutual decision.

Carol
:)
 
I was 28 for my first and 30 for my second. Age seemed right for me, but I know a LOT of people having them in their 30's and beyond and they do just fine. I even considered #3 up until around 38-39, but with all the problems I had with my second child, I felt it wasn't worth the risk. It is truly a personal decision, obviously...I wouldn't feel railroaded into a decison either. You both have to want this.

Heidi
 
I had my son when I was 23 -- he was a surprise, not planned. I NEVER expected to have children before 30, but sometimes life surprises you!!

I absolutely would not have it any other way. Being a mom is the most amazing experience I could ever hope for, and I am glad that I became a mom so young so that I could experience the gifts of motherhood for so many more years of my life.

I understand where you are coming from, and it's important that you and DH come to an agreement on this. But I don't think that there is some magical age that makes you a good mom, and no first-time parent is ever fully ready for the wonderful changes that a baby brings.

Best of luck to you and DH in your decision!!
 
We had our dd at 28, ds at 30 and this little one is due in Jan, I am 35. I really struggled with this one. We had tried basically since ds, with no luck and as I got closer to 35 I was scared that we would be at increased risk of all sorts of bad things because of my age. Well, I don't know how it will turn out, but I am so glad we are doing this. As far as being too old, no, more mature, yes, not too old!:)
 
I was 37 when I had my first son and 40 when I had my second. I was obviously on the older side, but this is when it happened. My husband and I were trying for a long time but did not want to do fertility drugs. So it must have been God's plan. I have 2 wonderful boys, A great marriage and a lot of patience!!!
Every decision regarding having children is truly only yours to make. If you are not ready, then you are not ready. That is fine. Don't let people bully you or push you into something that truly is "for the rest of your life". You and your husband will decide when it's right for both of you. :)

Good luck on your journey
elliemom
 
I had my son at 33 years young. He is now 3 years old and I am 36 and my DH is 34. We are considering a second but I would not even begin TRYING to get pregnant until next April/May at the EARLIEST which would make me 37 years old. Possibly 38 by the time I would give birth depending upon how long it takes to get pregnant.

I started my family at a much older age then I had onced envisioned. When I was younger (in my early 20's) and was with the man I THOUGHT I was going to marry, I thought I'd be DONE having kids by 30 years old. Obviously THAT did not happen. LOL

That being said, having kids in my 30's is no big deal. I'm fine with it. Actually, perhaps happier then I would have been if I had started my family in my 20's. I had all of those years to have fun and live it up before having to settle down and raise my kids. Even at 36 I still often get restless and want that adults only evening out. DH and I do lots of things separately in order to allow us both our "adults only time" with out having to find a sitter and then when we can get sitters we do things together.

Having kids is a HUGE under-taking in every sense of the word. If you are not ready do not let anyone push you into it.

Let me ask you this...Had you and your DH discussed having children before you got married? How does that discussion compare to your and his ideas on having kids now? Has one of you changed their minds in some way?
 
Its kind of tough trying to figure out when to have kids cause everything doesn't always go according to "plan". Sometimes its not as easy getting preggo as your mother made you beleive;)

I was 17 when I had DD...obviously not planned but in some ways I am glad it happened then b/c I am not nearly as nieve as some mothers b/c it wasn't that long ago, I was 12! LOL I got married when I was 23, started trying right away but didn't ger pregnant until I was 27, almost 28. So now there is 11 yrs between my 2 kids. Thinking about having a 3rd and if we have the same issues as before, I could be older then I want to be when having another one.

My sister put off trying to get pregnant, wanted to do the trip thing and so on and it took her FOREVER to get pregnant. She is now 36, having her first baby, on her 3rd try of invetro....$50,000 later.

So no one never knows when its a good time. If everything goes according to plan, then age wise you have lots of time. But if you start next yr and then realize it wasn't as easy as you thought, you could be 35 before you have any at all.

Sometimes I wonder if its not just as well to start trying early b/c you will never regret having them if you get pregnant right away but one never knows about fertility issues until they start trying.

Good luck and have fun!:p
 
I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I had 4 babies by age 21!
(yes, we did figure out what made that happen!;))
That being said, the majority of my friends from high school (class of '89) are just now having their children over the past few years ~ they're potty training while I'm packing kids for college!
I wouldn't change a thing about my age when I had kids, but neither would most people I know! :)
 
Not a parent here, but a couple with whom DH and I are close friends didn't have their first of two children until the mother was 41, and their second a couple three years later. Both "kids" (the son is now 19 and a junior at our local U; the daughter is now 16) absolutely rock, and the parents' marriage (going on 36 years now) couldn't be stronger.

And my sister did not have her first and only child until she was 39. She and son are both completely healthy.

I'm sure there are a lot of experiences contrary to these, but also a lot of experiences similar to these.

A-Jock
 
I have really enjoyed reading this thread and the various perspectives. I agree with everyone who has said that the timing is very much a personal issue and not one that has a single answer. I spent a lot of time prior to getting pregnant comparing myself to others, going back and forth between being thrilled that we were choosing to wait and being stressed that I was waiting too long. I finally came to the point where I could see that what was right for someone else might or might not be right for me. What a peace that realization has brought!

We had our kids when I was 28, 30, and 32. That has been very blessed timing for us, but I would not dare be prescriptive for anyone else.

Most of all, I hope that you and DH will be able to come to consensus about the timing and that, whatever children come and when ever that is, that they will be an incredible blessing to your life.
 
Well...

It looks like I'm one of the youngest! I was 21, 23, and 26 when my girls were born. But I was also 19 when I got married & my dh is almost 4 yrs older than I am. He graduated from college, he got a good job, and we started our family. It worked out great for us and now that I'm 31 my girls are almost 10, 7, & 5. But... I have friends in their 30's that are just getting started having their families also.

Do what works for YOU. Don't feel pressured into having kids. Good luck!

Jess
 
I was 32 when my first son was born and 36 for the second son. Both my sisters in law had their first and only sons at age 42. I was never on the lets have kids bandwagon either and decided to lets just see what happens and gratefully I have 2 wonderful sons. Having them later really allowed us to do so many things we never would have been able to do. Whatever age I have to say I love my kids.
 
I don't think there is a right answer to this question. Different ages work for different people depending on their circumstances.

My sister and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum. I got pregnant with my DS when I was 29. He's a senior in college now, just turned 21. My sister (who is 4 years younger than I am) had her first at 36 and then another at age 41. She is now 47 years old and has a child in 2nd grade. Both situations worked fine for us.

I have to say that I think 41 is pushing the risk factor a bit much. Thank goodness it turned out fine for her, but there is that element to consider. Also, she and her DH will be in their 60s before their children are out of the house. My DH and I are in our early 50s and we're FREE to do as we please now. It's kind of cool, although I miss my DS.

MC, I think your desire to wait a year or two is just fine. Being 30 and having your first child is nothing these days! If you're not ready, you're not ready. Good luck!
 
Well, my mom had me at 40 and other than my criminal record, multiple nose piercings, and greasy bo-hunk boyfriend (hopefully you've seen Sixteen Candles) I turned out just fine.

Some people have their children young, others older, and others not at all. Some of it is based on what your desires and hopes are, some of it based on things outside of your control. I can't imagine why anyone would rush it before they are ready. My friend didn't have the parental bug until she was 45 and she adopted a wonderful little girl. Another friend had six children by the time she was 25. Life works its own magic so go with what you think is best for you.
 
LOL Beavs!

I had my oldest when I was 28, my second when I was 31 and I'll be almost 35 when this last baby is born in a few weeks. My advice to your husband is that he is never too old to have babies. Men have families well into their golden years nowadays. Your chances of conception drop a bit when you are 35 and the risks for birth defects slowly rise after age 35. However, many many people I know are having kids into their late 30s and 40s with no problems at all. My sister, who's 40, just had her second little girl. If you want to wait, you should wait. Listen to your heart. If you're not ready, then wait definitely. You're still young! However, don't enter into it thinking, "We'll conceive next year in January and have our baby in October," etc. because it takes an average of six months (I believe) for most couples to conceive. I've always conceived on the first or second try (Fertile Murtle), but it's taken some people I know up to two years. I only say this so you don't put too much pressure on yourself to conceive right away once you do start trying. The trying is the fun part! :)

Good luck to you!!!
 
I was 25 and 28 and fully on board. Here's what caught my eye:

MCunningham said:
I've just never been on the "let's have a kid" bandwagon...

I refuse to be emotionally "cornered" or "bullied" into having a kid before I'm ready (not that he's doing that really, but he's not really being flexible either), but I feel genuinely guilty for not being as gung-ho as him on this matter and for denying him something he really wants.

He somehow believes kids will be a walk in the park and that I'm blowing the amount of work it takes to be a parent out of proportion. Which makes me nervous.
Click to expand...

Having children is THE hardest thing I've ever done ~ and I wanted them badly! Yeah, some people have kids without much thought and then mentally check out, leaving the kids to fend for themselves. But if you want to do a good job, it's very hard work...physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

My question to you: Do you want kids?

I ask because the above quotes don't sound like you're ready at all. I would even question you wanting them to begin with. Please understand...that's not a judgment. :) I fully support (and often defend) people who choose to remain childless. It's more of an observation.

And you're right to be nervous. You are not blowing the work required out of proportion. Whatever you're thinking it is at this moment, it's 100 times harder. Harder on you, and harder on the marriage.
 
I'm like elliemom -- first at 37, second at 40. I would not have been ready sooner -- up until I was maybe 34 or so I was pretty adamant about not even wanting kids. So, it was right for me to wait -- I finally realized that life is about more than just going to work and going on vacation, and I love being a mom now (my kids are 9 and 7). I'm lucky to be in an area where women wait until later to have kids, so I don't feel like an "old" mom. A friend of mine lives in the Pittsburgh area and she says she is the age of most grandmothers there -- she gets mistaken for being her kids' grandmother at times, and I think it's been harder for her to make friends (they moved there after the 3rd child was in school). All things to think about. That said, I'll echo that it's not always so easy to plan these things (for two kids I was pregnant five times) and I also think that once you have a baby, things will kick in and you will feel like it was the "right" time. Good luck with whatever happens!

-Beth
 
I had my first at 28, then again at 30 and another at 32... my dh is 2 years and 8 mon. younger than me so he was 25, 27 and 30 when the boys were born. We had been married 2.5 years when the first came along. While they looked planned they really weren't and there is a story behind each conception, LOL!!

I was ready not sure if dh was or not, but he didn't have much of a choice in the end. Your dh should not be worried about his age our neighbor was in his mid 40 before he had his first and only child, his wife is like 15 years his junior. He is a fine father.

My boys are now 16, 14 and 11.5.
 
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