How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kids?

>For me it is complicated. Technically, I am "on the fence",
>but leaning towards no kids. That said, if I spoke with my
>husband now and he said absolutely we must, I probably would
>before I would lose him. And I'd probably grow to like having
>kids, like the rest of you here.

Janice, this sentiment is worrisome to me (ok, not that it's any of my business, lol). I think having a child to maintain a relationship is absolutely one of the worst reasons to bring one into the world, and likely spells disaster. Why? Because if you really don't want a child, you WILL resent the child and eventually you will resent your DH for "forcing" you to do it. I can't speak for every mother here, but in my experience you don't grow to like having them after the fact.

Anyway, it's going to be a hard conversation but I do hope you can hold your ground.

((hugs))

Marie
 
I have to agree with the above poster.

There is no way you can think that you are going to have kids and then just "deal" with them.

You have to be willing to love them more than life. ALWAYS put them first and be willing to sacrafice time, space and money for them.

All of the above are reasons why I am not and will not be a parent. I need my time. And quite honestly I am way too selfish to be a mom. Not that I am a selfish person but that I know I am not willing to give up all the above for the sake of a child.

To me it would be more selfish to have that child knowing how I feel.

I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make. I know it is hard.

Just know that having a child to save your marriage is no answer. In the long run you may wind up a single parent to a child you may not have wanted in the first place.
 
I'm in the same boat you are!!!
I'm 31 and my Dh is 35. He is more than ready to have a child and really wants to be a dad. I'm the one delaying it. All my friends and sister and brother have kids. I understand the extreme pressure from everyone! And the odd looks you get that you don't have kids yet, and "what are you waiting for?" I can't stand that question.(we are going on 8 yrs of marriage)

My friends said they always knew they wanted to have kids. I feel like, I'm missing that maternal gene! I worry, I think like you, what if I regret not having children, what if I wait too long and then I can't (physically/medically) have children??? ALL the what if's.

My husband has told me to let him know, if I want to have kids or not. Alot of Pressure!!! But, I understand its his life too. Like you I DON'T KNOW!!! We've had the talk......right now, I'm scared to death of being a parent and of not wanting a child. They both scare me. We are still discussing this, thankfully, my husband is very open and patient with me.

Sorry this may not be too helpful to you. But, I hope it comforts you that there is someone else in the same boat you are!
((HUGS))).
Alicia:)
 
Janice:

Reading your post was like reading my own thoughts. I am 37 and have never had kids. My hubby and I got married 2 1/2 years ago and we decided we'd wait a few years before having kids. Now, as time goes on, I become more and more disillusioned to the idea. It's not that I necessarily don't want kids. It's more a matter of not wanting to have to pay someone else to raise them. I want to raise my kids, which means I'd have to quit my job, which means my husband would have to be in a situation where he is financially able to support a family. Not to be pessimistic here, but I don't think my husband will ever be in that position. He just doesn't have the gut assertiveness to fight for more money when he makes 1/2 of what he should, and allows his company to walk all over him. How did I get here?

Anyway, all that aside, I also worry that "how will I ever be able to raise kids when I'm doing well just to take care of myself right now?" I mean, I've got a full plate on my own - things that I just can't not do. We're talking cooking, cleaning, exercising, walking the dog, feeding the animals, working, running errands. How will all that get done with kids running around to be taken care of? Especially when I'll still have to be working...and getting to bed at a decent hour so I can get up early...and still perform at the level of responsibility my boss has come to expect.

At any rate, my husband and I have talked and while we both would like to have kids, we're both starting to get realistic and are beginning to think it might never happen. I mean, I've got about 3 years left before it's going to start looking like it's out of the question forever, and I just don't know how we're going to get ourselves into a position where kids are a responsible decision to go forward with.

What makes matters worse is that I'm supposed to have twins - it's my turn, and I'm fairly certain twins will hit me. A single baby hits the pocketbook hard enough. I can't justify pouring 1/2 or more of my salary into daycare, allowing someone else to raise my kids. Why have kids when I can't even raise them myself?

It's sad. I think I'd make a good mom, but these days it takes money to raise a kid right. You can't just say, "All you need is love." That is not enough, sad to say. I can love my kid all I want, but if I'm not able to be with my kids when they need me most, or if I'm too exhausted (or too busy cooking and cleaning) at the end of the day to sit and go through their homework with them, then what's the point? If I don't even have the time to play with them in the front yard, or read them stories and decorate the Christmas tree or build a snowman or any of the other hundreds of things parents should do with their kids, then why have kids? It's a lifelong, full-time commitment...and too many parents think it's a part-time job. I don't want my kids to be a part-time job.
 
Reading all this makes me wonder....what are YOUR reasons for wanting kids?

I mean, what is it really? To pass on our genes? To have something to take care of? To live a fuller life? To see a greater meaning in things?

In my mind, if these are the reasons, well, can't I get that from something else? (OK, not the genes one). I mean, I have cats. I love them to death. They sleep on my pillow. I feed them treats. I worry about them when it rains and they are outside. I have a hard time even going on vacation because I know they will be all alone and be wondering where I am. (I know, I am a dork:p ) They cost very little. They don't make any noise or complain, I don't have to take them along with me wherever I go, I can still love them and go out to dinner or spontaneously go out of town for the weekend. That said, sometimes I wish I didn't even have cats because I worry so much about them and dote on them so much. I assume I would be the same with a child, which is good I guess.

When I said my husband made the comments about "dealing" with kids, I know he said it meaning he knows he could and he would make the sacrafices necessary. But, like you all said, you can't prepare for it and he probably isn't prepared. I am a realist, he is living in the clouds. That scares me too. Because he is so unprepared, would it ruin our relationship?

The reasons I think I may not want to have kids:

1. No desire to pass on my genes, although a little bit since my father died and my brother is hopeless.;(

2. My sister's kids have effectively scared the piss out me and I would rather have my arm gnawed off than spawn crazy kids. (Ok, I DO love them to death). I see my sister tired and exhausted (3 kids, 2 yrs apart) and unappreciated too. Maybe being around them has gotten me my "fix" I don't know. That said, I do see having one child manageable and knowing what I know now if I had more they would be ATLEAST three years apart, if not more.

3. I like my life. I like the quietness of my home. I like the fact I can come home from work turn off my phone and take a nap. I like the fact that I can actually watch TV uninterrupted. I really dislike noise, I mean A LOT.

4. I am going into a helping profession and see myself being able to give to others what I otherwise would be giving to a child. I don't think I would be missing anything in terms of giving of myself. Can't all the personal satisfaction you gain from having kids be achieved with something else? Heck, even charity work??

5. I had a negative childhood and I suppose those old feelings are shining through. I was told all my life I was incompetent and I suppose deep down I fear that as a mother, even though logically I know that is not true.

I never dreamed of getting married, having kids, a successful career because I think my dreams were robbed from me. I learned to not even have them, I guess. They weren't important, so to this day I have no clue.

But when you ask people why they wanted kids, what do they say? "Oh, I always wanted to be a mother" or "I love being around them". Again, two feelings you can get somewhere else and spare yourself the monetary drain and the lifetime of responsibility.

I love having my fur animals but I have considered not having anymore after mine die because it is just devastating to me when I lose one. I take it really, really hard. I think if I had kids and worried constantly (like moms do) I would be a nervous wreck!!! More so than I am now, lol!!!
:D

Plus, my husband wants all these "things". He comes up with a new thing every week he wished he could get. A new Jeep, A Harley Davidson. This week it is an ATV. We are in debt and working to pay that off, and he comes to me asking if he can get an ATV?? 4000.00?? AND he wants to charge it on a low interest CC!!!! WHAT??????? I mean, he works hard and probably deserves it, but c'mon? (We are currently at odds on this issue, lol)..We had a common goal of paying down our bills but I guess it is just MY goal. That worries me. I tell him, how will he ever live without these things? And furthermore, my does he want all these "things" and can't be happy just with what he has. We have a very comfortable life. We are not deprived... Would he be able to sacrifice all the crap you want (ok, the high $$ stuff) "one day" for a child? I don't know if he has any clue!! It has been a long, hard road for both of us while I have been in school but I tell him you have to look to the future, that it won't always be this tight, but you know, IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION is everything!

Oh well, great conversation you guys! I am really learning a lot. Your personal experiences are helping a lot and it is good to know I am not alone! Thanks all!:7
 
Janice,

I understand how you feel-I feel the same way except I have known since I was 14 that I did not want children. I told my husband long before we got married I did not want any children and told him if he had any thought of having children I did not want to marry him. We have been married 12 years going on 13 and we have no children and nothing has changed. We dont want children. I wish you the best of luck and when you talk to your husband you may be surprised that he may not want children either. I think some people do have children because "its the thing to do when you get married"
Good Luck to you,

Sincerely,
Lisa
 
I can totally understand where you are coming from.

My "biological clock" never went off. I'm 47 and do not have children - unless you count my 3 cats! My DH and I did have the "talk" prior to getting married (with our minister). At that time (I was 28) - we both felt we might want them "some day". We both have had wild teenage years and 20's. We are both "recovering addicts"....so this might have played a little into our decision when we were older. After we matured, we both decided we didn't want any kids. We are perfectly happy with our pets. We do enjoy our freedom and wouldn't have it any other way.

I don't know what to tell you other than you need to be totally honest with him. I am a strong believer in doing what you want with your body and your life. Don't have kids if you don't want them. You may end up resenting your DH or even the kids for the rest of your life. It's perfectly normal not to want or have kids these days. It's almost 2007. Do what is in your heart and be honest with your DH. I always think honesty is the best policy.....even if it hurts. Having children is not something to take "lightly". It is a HUGE responsibility and not everyone is cut out for it............I KNOW I'm not! I have nieces and that's plenty for me!!

Take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself for feeling this way. I know sometimes I feel like a "freak" cuz I never wanted kids.
 
Janice: I feel exactly the same way you do. I could almost have written your post myself (except I don't have a DH!)
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

Janice, I want to thank you for starting this thread! Sometimes I feel like DH and I are the only child-free by choice people on the planet. The responses have made me know otherwise!

I think your reasons are pretty common in the CFBC community. I share your #3 especially. I've always enjoyed the stage of life I was in, and never had the thought "but it would be better with kids, I should get crackin' on that." This is especially true now; I love that DH and I have so much time together, that I'm able to do my own thing without interruption and that I can come and go as I please. I'm anal about quietude as well.

Good luck whatever you chose to do.

Sparrow



My garden is filled with papayas and mangos
My life is a mixture of reggaes and tangos
Taste for the good life, I can live it no other way
- Jimmy Buffett
 
"Sometimes I have wondered if people who don't have kids regret it when they get older or do they fill their lives up with other things? Like travelling and stuff."

Lori, I think I can speak to this. Despite the superwomen out there who can do it all, my observation is that superwomen are a small minority. The rest of us seem to have to choose some kind of trade-off.

Most of the women I know who are Moms are the primary caretakers and, even though they complain sometimes, really seem to derive a lot of pleasure and deep satisfaction out of what they do. At the same time many of them feel a bit of a lack of confidence or something I can't quite describe. Even if their husbands earn more than enough money, and they don't need to work, I notice a bit of envy, or maybe just a wistfulness, in connection with others who have some status in the working world. That's not to say that a lot of them don't "work", it's just that career tends to be less of a priority, and they make less progress up the corporate ladder or what have you.

On the other hand, there are us career types who chose that trade-off. In my case, I think I chose it because when I was younger I tended to be a bit more insecure than most and couldn't really generate my own "confidence from within", so I needed a reflection of my own status from the world. I had maternal instincts, but my need for recognition from "without" was stronger. I know people will say I could have had kids and hired nannies and all that, but for me, to be honest, the pain of being separated from growing children would have been too much to bear. And I can tell you that the women in my law firm who make partner don't have kids! Shocking but true, at least for my particular law firm. Unfortunately, I doubt our firm is an anomaly.

Lori, I don't have time for "travelling and stuff'! I'm too busy working, trying to generate new clients, trying to satisfy the old ones, and, now, about to participate in the management of my law firm as a partner. If I get away for 2 weeks in a row, I feel lucky!

I funnel my "need to nurture" into helping my clients and going beyond their strictly "legal" needs. I enjoy fussing over my clients. I also fuss a lot over my dear nieces and nephew. I sincerely doubt that any of these things is as deeply fulfilling as parenthood.

Now, Janice, you may be one of those superwomen. If so, more power to you. But if you're one of us regular folk, no wonder you are torn. You should be torn because the decision is a huge one, and, IMHO, there are important trade-offs to be considered.

ETA: I should add that at age 50 there is still no doubt in my mind that I made the right decision for me, and I don't have any regrets. Besides, I have a stepson and daughter-in-law now, and I'm looking forward to maybe having a grandchild to play with someday. :D

HTH,
Nancy
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

Well, I can only speak for myself, but I don't think I could ever list a bunch of reasons for wanting children. I have just always known that I wanted children and I wanted to be someone's mother. If you don't have that feeling, it's really best to be honest about it. You're right that kids are a lot of hard work and require a lot of sacrifice. They rarely appreciate what you're doing for them (now, but one hopes they may later). For me, though, knowing that I am raising really good kids, with strong values, tolerance and compassion for others, and an understanding that you've been given gifts and you should find a way to use them in the word, is enough.

Ok, it's Christmas, and I'm weepy. :)

I do hope you find some peace with your decision, and that your DH is in agreement. Good luck!!

Marie
 
Janice,

Nothing much to add, except to agree with the posts that tell you to talk to your hubby, wait until after the holidays, and go with your gut.

I'll be 50 in January, and my husband and I have absolutely NO regrets about choosing not to have children. We discussed it before we got married, and were more of the "maybe, but I don't think so" mind-set. I will have to admit that when I was around 35, some wild hormones must have gone loose, and I said, "I've changed my mind, let's do it!" He said, okay, but let's really think about this. Thank goodness we decided to wait before jumping at it immediately, because six months later, after more deliberation, seriously considering all the changes it would take, what we were willing to sacrifice, if this was what we REALLY wanted, etc. we decided that it just wasn't right for us.

I have friends who used to say to me that their ovaries hurt they wanted kids so much (that NEVER happened to me!) and they would say, "You KNOW you want a baby." And I would think, yeah, a baby would be nice, but they don't stay babies long, and then comes the real work. It may have helped that I was a nanny, and I took care of one little girl from the time she was two months old until she was five. That was 20 years ago and I still see her and love her dearly, but, I'll tell you, the experience took away any romantic notion of child rearing that I may have had.

And, please, don't even think of having a child to save a relationship or to compromise. While I know they bring a lot of joy, children also bring stress and turmoil into even the happiest marriages. It's not fair to you, your husband, or the poor kid you bring into the world to not be very sure that it's what you both want and that you have the means and strength to carry this lifetime commitment through.

As I read somewhere once, children will bring you the greatest joy you will ever know, but they will also bring you the greatest sorrow. I commend those people who do it and do it well.

Good luck to you and try to have a very nice Christmas!
 
It's me again. Janice, you asked why we would want to have kids. Even though I'm not sure my hubby and I will ever have kids, here are my reasons for wanting to do so if we ever get to a point where we feel "ready":

I think I would be a good mom, and could raise kids who will make a positive contribution to society. I want to pass on all that I have learned, including passing on what my dad taught me. I think children would somehow improve me, as well. It's hard to explain, but children would be almost like another rite of passage for me, the next step in the perfection of my existence in this life. It just feels like so much will be "lost" without children in my life at some point. But I am realistic and know that it might not ever happen.

It's funny, and I asked my husband about this tonight, and he said, "Well, the question is, 'do we want to bring a child into this world?'" What he was saying was that the world is so screwed up, do we really want to bring a child into such a screwed up world, only to have the government tell us what we can and can't do to/with our kids. We are both wary of forced immunizations. We both feel that our educational system is completely defunct in its ability to teach our children. We are both alarmed at this growing sense of "entitlement" that so much many young people are growing up with. Drugs, predators, government intervention, etc. We're not sure we'd be doing a child justice by bringing them into the world...unless we are able to make the decisions we feel are best for them. And like I said earlier, that means my quitting my job and hubby making enough money to take care of us.
 
I'm someone who definetely wanted kids. I'm a new, first-time mother and I can't tell you preceisely why I wanted to be a mom - I just did. It was an ache. If you don't have it, I wouldn't advise having children. I wanted my dd and all I can say is that newborns are HARD work - soul destroying in the wee hours of the night and if this isn't what you want, you would end up resenting her and the situation. It's hard even when you want the baby! My best friend doesn't want any kids and just delights in being an aunt. She looks forward to getting to know my little girl as well. When I was 30, I was not ready for kids - like you, I liked my life. I thought I would postpone them until 33-35. Then we were told that we may have infertility issues - so that brought the issue forward and I was suddenly ready...I felt I had to seize my opportunity to be a mother (at 31). Who knows, you may change your mind one day - but it is something you should discuss with your DH. You will know if you're ever ready one day and if you never decide to have children, it won't be a decision you regret. Good luck to you!

annie
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

Personally...I don't want kids either. After teaching for 2 years in Prince George's County, Maryland I never want kids. I have flat out told my fiance this, his family, and mine. I have two cats...one that I can't seem to keep out of the X-mas tree. I figure that cats are a lot better than human kids. Plus, I have been working too hard to just lose a couple pounds for our wedding let alone trying to get off all of that baby fat. I look at my family and I see that it doesn't come off even with diet and exercise. If your husband loves you he will respect your choice not to have kids.

I'm sorry if I have upset anyone with this message. This is only my opinion.

Becky
 
Nancy, I think you are making a big assumption that SAHM's have a lack of confidence or envy. When I was a SAHM, I knew many women who were just plain happy doing what they were doing, and were very, very glad they were not in the corporate world. And the same women, as there children grew up, have entered back into the corporate world and are climbing the ladder successfully. So having kids delayed that, but did not prevent that.
 
I had no time to ponder why I had kids, as I had an unplanned "oops" pregnancy at age 19.

In my opinion, though, I think having kids is about world improvement. Sometimes people tend to focus on the negatives of having children - that they're a burden, that it means loss of freedom, etc. But kids represent the hope of a better future for all of us. And yeah, they can be a royal pain at times, but the satisfaction they bring far outweighs anything negative.

I also wanted to reply to this screwed up world. I don't think it's any worse than it ever has been. To be honest, I'm thankful to be alive here and now, in the 21st century. It's sure better in a lot of ways than it was 100 years ago. We have immunizations (which are GOOD regardless of governmental involvement), advanced medicine, indoor plumbing, hot water, telephones, computers, reliable transportation, to name just a few. Oh yeah, and women have the right to vote.

The education system depends on the involvement of the parents in order to function as it is supposed to. I was educated in the public school system (both K12 and college) and believe I got an entirely decent education.

Now that my oldest is 16, I've seen first hand that the vast majority of kids are good, not bad. Most kids are kind and generous - it's the few who are spoiled entitled brats. It's the few who do drugs, and the few who prey on kids. It was a pleasant surprise. Believe me, I was nervous about my kids becoming teens. Now that it's not as bad as it seemed, I feel I can relax just a little bit.

That said, parenthood is certainly not for everyone. There are some days when I wish I could run away - but thankfully those days are rare. I'm glad some people think long and hard before deciding whether or not to have children. If I hadn't had my "oops," I might be in the same boat. I wouldn't trade anything for the way my life turned out, though.
 
No offense, but I think the lack of confidence you speak of in SAHMs is a bit of projection on your part.

Such lack of confidence may very well stem from the fact that many full time parents tend to be objects of scorn - or pity.

And if you think women suffer a lack of "progress up the corporate ladder" because they stay home and raise their kids, you're wrong. If you want evidence, I give you Nancy Pelosi - who raised her children to adulthood before entering her career in politics and now she's 2 heartbeats away from the presidency.

Sorry to get on a soapbox.
 
Dorothy and Green-eyed,

Unfortunately, society doesn't give Moms their proper due. I have no idea why. I think the work Moms do is far more important and more difficult than anything I have ever done. But I know my Mom was taken for granted, and society tends to take Moms for granted. You have to be a pretty strong person to overcome that. I do know women who are strong enough. I also know women who are not. In short, what I'm saying is if you need recognition for what you do, you may not be cut out for the difficult job of motherhood. And as for women who rejoin the workforce later, sure, it can be done, but it also takes something extra. Not every woman can do it. I think it is very important for Janice to keep these harsh realities in mind when she makes her decision.

Strangely enough, Dad's have an easy time of it! For example, look at the new Will Smith movie. I haven't seen it, but I bet if it were about a Mom and her kid, there would be no movie. Moms are expected to make sacrifices, but Dads always get lots of attention for doing the same things that ANY Mom would do! It's nuts.

Nancy
ETA:
"And if you think women suffer a lack of "progress up the corporate ladder" because they stay home and raise their kids, you're wrong."
Sorry, green-eyed, but I've read many articles to the contrary. Do you want quotes?
 
At the same time many of them feel a bit of a
>lack of confidence or something I can't quite describe. Even
>if their husbands earn more than enough money, and they don't
>need to work, I notice a bit of envy, or maybe just a
>wistfulness, in connection with others who have some status in
>the working world. That's not to say that a lot of them don't
>"work", it's just that career tends to be less of a priority,
>and they make less progress up the corporate ladder or what
>have you.



Ok, everyone, calm down, she said "many" not "all". Do some SAHM's have a lack of confidence and trouble climbing the corporate ladder when they do return to the workforce after a long layoff?: YES. Do some feel like they can conquer the world and climb right back up that ladder?: YES. Obviously.
 
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