How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kids?

<Sorry, green-eyed, but I've read many articles to the contrary. Do you want quotes?>

Sure, bring them on. But please realize I'm not going to allow you to make me feel like crap because I chose to be a mom first.
 
Thanks, Janice. I think my main point is that you should consider your own personality. I hope you don't mind my saying this, but from "knowing" you on the boards all these years, I think you and I have certain personality traits in common. For example, we are both pretty moody. I don't think I'm a Nancy Pelosi, and if you don't mind my saying so, I don't think you are either. I don't mean that to be discouraging in any way. In fact, I think either one of us probably could be a congresswoman, but that it would take a lot more of out us than it takes out of Nancy Pelosi. I just think it's important to take stock of who you really are when you're making an important decision.

I'm very moved by your dilemma, especially because, as I look back to when I was your age, I see that the decisions I made were more important than I even realized back then. I think it is wonderful that you aren't jumping into anything, and that you are giving the issues the important consideration they deserve.

Nancy

ETA: I think I'll shut up now. ;) :+
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

((((Janice)))))
Having children is the toughest thing. Someone else's needs ALWAYS come before your own. Someone is dependent upon you for their every need, and then dependent on you to teach them to be independent! You're never done.
There's a lot of warm, fuzzy, fabulous stuff about having children, but that's the bottom line. If it's not for you, don't have 'em. Kids are a lot of work for a long time and it's easy to screw them up. I admire people who don't want them and know it. Not being a parent is far more noble than being a resentful one.
You do owe it to your husband, tho', to discuss this w/ him. I wish you well.
Valerie
:)
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

>>>>>>It's funny, and I asked my husband about this tonight, and he said, "Well, the question is, 'do we want to bring a child into this world?'" <<<<<


The "screwed up world" argument was one of the reasons we thought we didn't want children.

But, for every ugliness, cruelty and other negative that you see in this world, it can be countered with 10 things that are hopeful and beautiful.

Thank goodness DH and I were able to see all the positives.

I look at things in a totally new way through the eyes of my children. The first time they blew on a dandelion and scattered the seeds; the first time a butterfly landed on my girl's finger; the first time they saw snow (we're from So. California, so it's still a HUGE deal even for ME!) and this Christmas morning when she woke me up at 6:30 AM so I could open the present she had made for me at school.

For me, the sweetness of these experiences and countless others are indescribeable and conquers whatever ugliness there is in this world.
 
That just has not been my experience, and FYI, when I re-entered the work force I asked for and got...more money than my husband, more vacation time than my husband, and a higher position than my husband.....and he is tickled pink.

The women I know who were and are SAHM are college educated, and decided to defer careers or do like I did, make there career work at home. None of them felt bad that they were defering what they went to school for, none lacked in confidence. I think this is suppositions that happen because the full time person does not often have a chance to see and talk with the SAH person. If they did, people would probably find much more in common, and the same levels of confidences.
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

You know, I had a friend, who used the "screwed up world" argument not to have kids.....turned out she was just married to the wrong person. After a painful divorce, and recovery, she met a wonderful man and had 2 children, and is quite happy.

Having children or not is truly very personal. But, I think there is a big problem when one partner wants children and one does not. That is critical, and counseling may very well be needed to get through something like this. Don't have a child to "fix" it, but realize he may have deep issues with not having a child.
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

I NEVER wanted to have kids my whole life and neither did my husband, but then when I was about 32 I started thinking I MIGHT want kids. Luckily my husband started changing his mind at the same time and we talked about it a little here and there. Now I'm 35 and we've finally decided we want to have 1 or 2 kids. We've decided, but we still haven't taken the plunge just because it is so scary. We didn't want to regret not having kids when we're older. Also I like the thought of having someone to teach things to. And I also like the thought of having a child that is a combination of my husband and I. You hear of people regretting that they didn't have kids sometimes, but it's very unusual to hear of someone regretting that they did have kids. Even when it wasn't planned parents usually say they would never change it.

I also feel like I barely have the time and energy to take care of myself and that's one of the things that makes it so scary, but somehow people manage it. You may or may not change your mind and the same goes for your husband, but I definitely think you need to talk about it with him. I was nervous to talk to my husband about it and it turned out we were on the same page. I'm still totally scared to do it and wonder if I should, but the fact that my husband wants to do it too helps make it feel like the right decision. I have gone back and forth for about 3 years and when I was ready I knew it (as much as you can know I guess). Just be sure to talk to your husband and good luck.

Amy
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

>You hear of people regretting that they didn't have kids
>sometimes, but it's very unusual to hear of someone regretting
>that they did have kids. Even when it wasn't planned parents
>usually say they would never change it.

I think maybe part of that is that it is not socially acceptable to say that you wish you hadn't had your child. And once you are a parent, there is no going back. There's no '30-day-free-trial' option on children.

I have some friends who realized after they had their daughter that if they had it to do over again, they would be childless (and the husband had a vasectomy so there's no chance of another child). Most people would find that horrible, and they couldn't really talk about it with many folks. They are wonderful parents, but they went through a lot of rough times.

Every choice one makes in life opens one door, but closes another. And one can choose to dwell on what one doesn't have (a child, a career, etc.)or what could have been, or be happy with what one has chosen.

Of course, that's assuming that it was a choice, and not something that was forced upon one or that just 'happened.'

I think the saddest thing is when someone who really wants children can't have them (though there's always adoption), or when someone who doesn't want children ends up having them. Or when someone who really wants to be married doesn't find their life partner, or when someone who would be better off unattached gets married because of societal pressures or expectations.
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

>I think maybe part of that is that it is not socially acceptable to >say that you wish you hadn't had your child. And once you are a >parent, there is no going back. There's no '30-day-free-trial' >option on children.

Absolutely have seen this w/ some of my friends........ There are many many many women who given an opportunity to "do it again" would choose differently. Somehow we have created a society where it is unspeakable to say this but that doesnt make it any less true for some. I think my friends who feel this way are comfortable talking with me because A) I chose to remain childless B) I do not judge them for their truth.
It IS life changing and it is NOT all positive.... It does not make you weak, bad, selfish, immature etc... to make this choice. As with all choices there are consequences (+ & -)... each person must look inside and choose their life with or without children and all the rest of us should refrain from judging those choices. I applaud any woman who makes a decision such as giving birth or adopting any true thought and planning. Just the fact that a woman takes charge of her body & life says she is more responsible than many. I do wish that couples would learn to have these important talks BEFORE the engagement... Finances, Babies, Careers, its all part of the relationship and deserves to be scrutinized before the I do's are said. Where's that class in school?
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

I think it's also harder for a lot of moms nowadays because of the disappearance of the extended family. When I was growing up, my grandmother lived with us and provided my mother with unbelievable support and many much-needed breaks. I know very few women who have that support system. With my second child, I was completely sleep deprived the first six months, since she was up every 1 1/2 hours to nurse. I know no one could help me with that task, but it would have been nice to have a grandmother around during the day to let me take a nap. I couldn't rest, because I had both the new baby and my older child to take care of, and of course, they never napped at the same time. Parenting in a completely sleep-deprived state is much more challenging that parenting in a rested, well state.
 
Nancy,
What a lovely, honest, balanced response this was. All I can say is...wow. deb:)
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

Janice – I feel for you in your situation. It's not an easy decision to make or conversation to have. First, let me tell you that my husband and I are in agreement on not having children so I can certainly understand your point of view. I still haven't felt the urge to have kids no matter how many of my friends have had them! I'm 32 with 1 nephew, 2 nieces, and a WHOLE BUNCH of honorary nieces and nephews through my friends. ;-)

I agree with many others who have suggested that you talk to your DH very soon. He loves you and I bet he will be willing to hear you out. I hope that once he realizes how tentative you are that he will not pressure you. People shouldn’t have children “just because.” Please don’t do anything that you are not ready for or don’t truly want… best of luck to you.

As a side note, I am very happy to see so many positive responses here from people who have children. While my parents (who have no grandkids) LOVE having our Newfie pup for a grandchild, my in-laws (who already have 3 grandkids) are not so supportive.
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

Here is an interesting study about how children don't increase our happiness level at all. The link is given below if you want to read the entire article.

"Studies reveal that most married couples start out happy and then become progressively less satisfied over the course of their lives, becoming especially disconsolate when their children are in diapers and in adolescence, and returning to their initial levels of happiness only after their children have had the decency to grow up and go away. When the popular press invented a malady called "empty-nest syndrome," it failed to mention that its primary symptom is a marked increase in smiling.

Psychologists have measured how people feel as they go about their daily activities, and have found that people are less happy when they are interacting with their children than when they are eating, exercising, shopping or watching television. Indeed, an act of parenting makes most people about as happy as an act of housework. Economists have modeled the impact of many variables on people's overall happiness and have consistently found that children have only a small impact. A small negative impact."

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1202940,00.html



Manmohini
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

Well, they obviously never asked ME in that study. My now 16 and 19 years old kids enriched my life and marriage a great deal. I love to spend time with my kids, even if it is holding my son's head when he is puking due to food poisoning -- just happened today. I love to watch them growing up and becoming great people. There is lot of sacrifice during the years but the reward is so worth the effort, I'd do it again any time. I know that they will leave one day and I'm NOT looking forward to that day at all. I Love my kids just so very much.

Maybe this "housework parenting" mentality is the reason of the ever growing number of deeply screwed up people in this world. Please, if you don't want kids, don't have them, but don't raise them up as a household chore. Mari
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

The study mentioned by Manmohini is featured prominently in Dan Gilbert's book--Stumbling on Happiness. What they have scientifically found is that the ACT of parenting GENERALLY causes unhappiness in people. Scientists are in NO WAY trying to say that children don't give their parents happiness. Just that people are generally unhappy when they are actually parenting. In fact the studies conducted in the book mention that 2 things which phsyiologically cause unhappiness are 2 things which people believe will bring them great happiness: children and money. The studies also found that lottery winners are generally unhappy people. The book and the studies are really quite fascinating. :)
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

You kow what? I have to agree with that. Kids alone won't make you happy at all. If you don't want them on the first place they probably will even make you miserable. Parenting is difficult if you take the taske seriously. It is most of the time like the vending machine, whatever you put in, you will take out at the end. And that is time consuming on the first place. I also believe this saying: "you are only as happy as your least happy child". But still, saying that people are generally unhappy when they are parenting is pushing it a little for me. I can honestly say that my parenting is "mostly sunny with occasional thunderstorms" and not "cloudy, foggy and rainy"....
I may just make a poll post about parenting!
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

This study does not ring true with me!! My husband and I have found much joy and happiness in our children (4) and I think it has brought us closer together as a couple sharing the ups and downs of parenting. Yes parenting can be (is) hard but it is also very satisfying and when I see my kids do the right thing very proud! I do not see the act of parenting as happy as housework; I find that statement absurd! I also found that "initial levels of happiness only after their children have had the decency to grow up and go away." frankly disturbing. I don't know who did this study but I feel it may be biased and IMHO they have a screw loose!

I believe if you don't want children you should not have them. there are alot of people who would make terrific parents and unfortunetly can't have them. Same token some people probably should not have had them. Once you hold that baby in your arms I don't know how one could ever resent it. This is all my own opinion and everyone is entitled to their own.
Happy New Year!
Jen
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

Hi Janice,

There's a great book out on the subject entitled "The Parenthood Decision" by Beverly Mfcc Engel. You may find this helpful.

Good luck,

Katrina
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

Janice, you sound so much like a dear friend of mine. She and her DH never wanted to have children; they travelled, partied, had/have fantastic careers, spent money on all their "fun stuff" and had all the freedom in the word. And yes, she adored her cats like they were her own children, which "filled" that nuturing in her. I never, ever thought they would have children. Well, last winter she surprised the heck out of me when she announced that she was pregnant - I seriously thought she was joking and didn't believe her! I had to see the ultrasound picture before I knew she was telling the truth. My point is, she had her first child just this past July at age 37. And her reason for having a child was simply put. She said to me that there had to be more in life than the lifestyle she was used to living. That's it. Now, she really cannot imagine her life without her child and is contemplating having another one. So, maybe now isn't the time, but maybe in a few years you'll find that your life or circumstances have changed. In the meantime, make sure you and your DH have a good, stable and honest relationship, come to terms with the money stuff and any other issues you may have.

Good luck and I wish you the best,
Terri
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

OK, I have skimmed the responses to your question, Janice. There are many intelligent women here who have responded. Some women want and should be mothers and some do not want and should not be mothers. The world is a "balance".

I just wanted to add my TALK TO YOUR DH NOW. I am willing to bet the two of you will be just fine regardless of the eventual outcome.

I am the mom of 4 wonderful sons (and BTW all 4 are under my roof right now and I am dang thrilled!) BUT for the first 5 years of my marriage I stood firm that I WOULD NEVER EVER HAVE ONE SINGLE SOLITARY CHILD. I loved my nieces and nephews and spent time with everyone else's children and was great with them...but did not want any of my own. I was criticized and damn near outcast from my family and my DH's family, but DH stood by me. Needless to say, I later gave birth to one DS and adopted 3 others and would adopt 10 more if reality would allow.

POINT...where you are now is not where you will always be. Relax, talk to your husband, live life without regrets. Being a parent or not being a parent does not define you. I am a person first and foremost, and so are each of us.

Do I make any sense at all?:7
 
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