How do you know when your relationship is over?

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Worknprogress

Cathlete
How do you know when you are no longer in love with the other partner? And if you are not, what other reasons would there be to try and work it out? If there are children involved, how unhappy or hopeless do you have to be to go ahead with separating even though it causes so much turmoil in their lives?
 
Oh Debbie, I'm so sorry! Sounds like you're going through a very tough time. Such a complicated question that could be really different depending on the people & situation.

Are the kids being affected? Staying in a bad relationship for childrens' sake might be counterintuitive. You might not even realize it, but that kind of situation could do real emotional damage.

Otherwise I have no advice, but support if you need it.
 
I'm so sorry you are really in a bad place. I can give you my opinion but you really need advice from someone in marriage counseling.

I think a marriage is over when there is apathy.... You no longer care about your SO happiness and well being.

If your relationship is hostile then it's best to cut the ties for the sake of your mental health and for the childrens environment. If the relationship is just blah then try counseling.

If your quality of life is so poor that it's just not worth it anymore then make the change.

Your mental well being effects the whole environment for you and your children. So keep that in mind.

It's scary and a very tough situation to be in. I'm sorry.
 
My relationship was very much almost over. That was 7 years ago. I'll pass along what I learned that was true for me - and hopefully won't offend or hurt anyone. We were both willing to work on it through the help of an excellent counselor. Which meant both owning up to mistakes and doing the work to improve. And I also learned that - at least for me - love starts out as a powerful and easy emotion. When life gets complicated - which it always does, love is a path that you choose and becomes a verb you act on. And it's like you have to choose it every day. For what it's worth though, I grew up in a home w/ seriously fighting parents. I obviously wish they had worked things out, but since that wasn't going to happen there was a measure of relief when the home situation wasn't so volatile.
 
jcm said:
And I also learned that - at least for me - love starts out as a powerful and easy emotion. When life gets complicated - which it always does, love is a path that you choose and becomes a verb you act on. And it's like you have to choose it every day.
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Boy, is that ever true. Though there is a baseline chemistry, the "high" of falling in love is long gone and is replaced with something deeper and sustainable. You have to nuture it though.

Debbie, I'm so sorry you are suffering with this. Have you guys tried counseling?
 
I haven't read this book, but heard the Fresh Air interview with the author and it might be worth a look:

A Happy Marriage: A Novel by Rafael Yglesias

This is a novel based on the author's own marriage. They were married very young, and he apparently fell out of love with her some years into it, but then later fell back in love with her. It may not be relevant at all, but it's fresh in my mind so I thought I'd point you to it. Good luck.
 
FWIW...I've heard Dr. Phil say that kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one.

I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,
 
When:

--you feel angry or resentful so much of the time
--there are no laughs anymore
--you cannot imagine having him physically touch you at all
--you are desperate for space and/or you want some other kind of life
--you no longer want to or enjoy doing anything together
--you cannot bear the sight, sound or smell of him
--there are more arguments and disagreements than any other kind of conversation
--you are both making excuses to avoid being with each other
--being in the marriage is taking a toll on your mental or physical health

I think if several or a lot of these factors are in play, it could be time to call it quits, which may actually be a positive thing. Sad, yes, but not negative. Only you can tell.

Clare
 
Debbie,

I hope this is not you, but if it is, it's OKAY!!!! If the marriage is truly over and there is no repairing it, then moving on is sometimes the best choice. I have yet to find ANYTHING that is easy, including marriage, so seperation shouldn't be a walk in the park either. But it is not the end of the world either.

I grew up in a household where my parents stayed together and shouldn't have. It was awful. There was no violence or abuse but the tension was just unbearable. We lived in a very nice home with a pool and yard and nice cars etc. When my mother finally left, we moved to a 2 bedroom apartment with the bare essentials. I slept in bed with my mother. I was 17 at the time.
THAT WAS THE FIRST NIGHT I EVER REMEMBER SLEEPING THRU THE NIGHT!!!
And living there was the best time of my life.

I grew into an anxious, cynical, angry young adult because of it. I avoided dating much and focused many years on education and buying my own homes and taking care of myself. I didn't get married until I was 33. I NEVER wanted to live like that again.

Long story short (kinda late now huh), a marriage isn't just about being in love, it's about being a partner and friend and supporter and caregiver etc etc. If you or your children are not getting that, then neither you nor your children can be happy.

I wish I could help in some way, I wish I could make this better, but all I can do is offer you support and a shoulder and some laughs ( I'm very good at that) Hugs to you and reach out for help.
 
Thanks all for your responses.

Laura - thanks so much for your kind words of compassion and support.

ImFiddy - It's starting to get hostile in the fact that he is just not listening to me and makes me feel guilty for being honest about the real problems we are having in our relationship. So our quality of life is changing because I am resenting the fact that he can't quite figure out what I am saying no matter how many times I say it or how many different ways I explain it.

jcm - we went to a marriage counseling session last week. Our counselor talked throughout, as she said, to maintain the direction of positive therapy, but he just thought she talked too much. He said afterward, he had so much to say. I responded that we both are doing too much talking and not enough listening and that this counselor is helping us to listen to direct us as to steps we need to take.

Lori - I know a relationship takes nuture. The last 2 "dates" we were on (we don't routinely take them) were a flop. The first one I had arranged for his mother to watch the boys on a Friday evening. He was concerned she was too tired to watched them, hence, we had a quick meal and rushed home. However, I talk to his mother more than my husband his 2 brothers AND theirs wifes talk to her.....she knows a lot of my struggles and is willing to help. The 2nd date, we had killer tickets to a baseball game my husband got through his work and decided to take a business acquaintance.....whom he talked to ALL night!! So, our dates don't really happen because my husband is too busy making others happy!

bitmover - I will check into that book...I am willing to try anything.

wgilchrist - that is a very profound saying by Dr. Phil - one that I am not taking lightly. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.

Clare - I answered all yes's to your questions - yikes - that is scary. I want to be in love with him but I just can't imagine that will ever happen again.

Ellie - gosh, your life hasn't been the easiest, has it? I know the husband I chose for life should be a partner and a support network for me but he isn't. He is always the person who is fixing me and getting mad when I don't live up to his expectations.

I truly appreciate all of your responses and to post this on this site, you must all know desperate I must be for answers. I have 4 children, two are younger, 5 and 4, so I don't take this lightly.

Thanks again for all of your input and insight.
 
Oh, Debbie, my heart goes out to you. It was 10 years ago that I was facing the same struggle.

I ultimately decided to leave that marriage (with two very small children involved - 4 and 2 at the time) and it remains one of the healthiest and most positive things I have ever done. Was it easy? No. Have I looked back and regretted leaving? Not once.

A book I found really helpful to crystallize my feelings was this one.

http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-St...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1251379238&sr=8-1

In these situations it is almost never black and white, the decision can be agonizing. Feel free to PM me if you need support or have questions.

Take care of yourself and follow your heart.
 
Debbie - I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been there and happy to say made it out.

I decided to leave when my boys were 5 and 7. It was incredibly hard at the time because I was never one to air my problems and everyone thought we has this great marriage. But the love got lost and the resentment set in.

I have never looked back. It was the best decision for me and the boys. My real motto is "Life is Short - you have to Enjoy the Ride" It is not easy going through the first year or two - but I am so much happier now.

Good Luck with whatever you decide to do!!
 
Coincidence?

Debbie, I'm so sorry. I was actually visiting the forums today to post a thread about the same question you asked, but you asked it first. What a coincidence!

I have an 18 month old son and my DH and I have been having problems for about the last 6 months. I had a some postpartum depression that I was dealing with and wasn't getting a lot of support from DH. I went to the doctor and therapist. I have been feeling a lot better about myself lately, but at the same time, I feel that our relationship is deteriorating. We don't have fun together like we used to. We constantly bicker and we both have high-stress jobs. I try to be understanding, patient and tolerant, but don't feel I get it in return. When we start to argue, I get angry and selfish. I am torn and confused. I've been with him for 10 years. I just feel like if I walk away, it will have all been a waste of time. It's hard to figure out if all the good times outweigh the bad times or vice versa.

It is such a hard decision, isn't it? I hope that you make the right decision for you! Thanks for asking such an important question Debbie--I, too, appreciate the support from everyone on this thread.
 
Life can be so hard! As I said, I was one foot out the door 7 years ago. Basically I would say there are two things that saved us. We went to a marriage conference/retreat through Family Life (they are held all over the country) and I found a great counselor. At first I was just seeing her because my husband ... well, we were pretty much done so there wasn't a point in bringing him. We re-committed to the marriage after the conference, both started seeing the counselor. She gave us actual tools - specific things to do to address the other person's feelings and frustrations. And I still go to her just for "reality checks." I'm always open to sharing more because I've grown so much through these experiences. A PM is always welcome if anyone wanted to know more.
 
Debbie, thanks for the additional insight into your particular situation. I could be wrong with the limited information that I have, but it sounds like you're trying and he isn't.

I can't imagine where one would go from there ~ DH and I have had our problems over the years (16 years married, together 20), but he has always been willing to work with me to some degree. If he just stopped trying, I think I'd be lost. My hope is that those with experience here can lend you a hand. <3
 
Oh, Debbie. I don't have any advice but I just wanted send you some hugs. It's so painful when a relationship ends. I can't even imagine what it would be like with children involved.
 
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