How do you deal with loneliness?

B

BAM

Cathlete
I'm not sure how to get past the many times that I feel lonely which unfortunately is most of the time. I'm dealing with health issues and one of the major symptoms is fatigue so I'm not able to go out and about that much which means I'm home a lot of the time and I don't work. The "friends" I have are into their own lives and I've joined many groups in the past but I have observed over the years that if you're single and not in your 20's that it's harder to make friends. I'm always friendly and show an interest in others when I meet them but I find it to be mostly one sided. I read a little bit but can't for too long for lack of concentration. There's no one significant in my life so I don't get reprieve there. This day to day loneliness just sucks! I know that one day I will feel better and will be able to become more involved in activities but I don't know how to get over these feelings until then. Thanks for listening. :)

Bam
 
Hi Bam!!! Nice to hear from you again!
Sorry you are feeling so down. I understand the fatigue issue (an illness I have), and the lonliness on some degree. I am a stay at home mom, and some days I feel lonely for adult conversation. I know it may not be the same.
How often do you exercise. Some days it is my saving grace. On those days you aren't just to tired, try a walk outside. That is refreshing for me. It seems your health issues are the big culprit here. You don't have to be young to have friends or have fun. If your relationships are one sided, maybe they aren't the right people for you. You should be happy in your friendships.
I really am not that great of an advice giver, but I truly hope you feel better, your health improves, and that your spirits are lifted. As the old saying goes-- keep your chin up. Tomorrow is another day. Make it better then yesterday. Just don't give up.


Maeghan AKA megadoo

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http://www.picturetrail.com/megadoo2
 
Bam,
I am so sorry for your situation. I am not sure what to say because I am one of those people who dont go out with people, I dont have friends but I am very very content with that. I find for me that working out and just being as positive as I can be works for me. I wish I had some advise for you-I do feel for you. Just know you are important and I will keep you in my prayers.
Take care,
Lisa
 
Bam

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I can't imagine how it must be to feel drained, fatigued all the time. All I know to say is take care of yourself and take the suggestion of at least getting out for fresh air frequently. Just don't give up on the attempt to socialize. Things always turn around when we least expect it, even though sometimes we seem to hit rock bottom before the turn.

I enjoy "talking" with you in the forums and reading your posts. I'll always listen.:)

Sweet dreams tonight.
 
Hey BAM,

I'm sorry you are feeling down. I can totally sympathize. I'm only 23, but I have already learned that the older you get, the smaller your circle of friends becomes. Unfortunately, I have also found that so many people are terribly caught up in themselves and do not take the time to develop relationships with other people.

While you are on the hunt for new activities, keep posting here. We are your friends, and even though we don't see you, you know we are listening!
 
Hi Bam sorry to hear you are so down.

I actually do have to disagree and say your number of friends does not necessarily get smaller. I have changed jobs alot and have made 2-3 good friends at each company. I also have my town friends and church friends so you really can make friends when you are older! I have a daughter in college so I'm WAY older.

My closest friend always says when women get to the bottom of the well it means we need some nurturing. Being a single Mom for 17 years and estranged from my mother, I've had to be creative in finding nurturing friends. They are out there.

For my my faith is very important. We have been dealing with major medical issues and we could not have done it without our faith.

ALl the best
 
Bam, while I am rarely alone, I feel lonely sometimes. Isolated in my stay at home momness, which I love but... :) You are dealing with a lot anad my heart goes out to you. Do you think you might find the energy to perhaps reach out to someone else who might be lonely? You could visit a retirement home or shelter and lend your company to someone in need. It's amazing how meaningful such things can be. They can help you put your difficulties into perspective and make you realize how needed we all really are.

Also never forget these forums are the source of wonderful support and if you feel like it, just jump in here and talk and you'll find you are never alone. You have friends who care about you and want to help you in any way. My email address is available and I am always up for corresponding via email. For quite awhile now I have barely gotten onto the forums. Very unlike me and not, I guess, I fade out at times when life gets busy. :) But I want to be here for you in your time of need so I'll be checking on you and sending you warm vibes. I hope your health issues resolve soon and you feel better. Please don't feel lonely. These forums are a wonderful source of encouragement and support. My prescription to you is to utilize them and to feel better really soon! :)
Bobbi "Chicks rule!"http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/tiere/animal-smiley-032.gif
Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/linie/smiley-linie-008.gif
 
Hi there, Bam,

What a mucky place to be. Health-related fatigue is awful. If you haven't, you might just get a body/dental checkup to make sure everything's cool.

If the body isn't the problem. The next step might be the mind.

Gyuck, that sounds so mystical. I'll try not to be too deep :+ .

One of my favorite inspirational quotes:
Two men looked out from prison bars - one saw mud, the other stars

It's the same situation - it's just a matter of how you personally take it in.

The "voices" in your head can be so self-defeating. Like if you're going to a party you don't want to go to, your stupid head voice complains to you, "It's going to be such a lame time tonight at the party." You repeat this to yourself over and over again as you get ready. You go to the party and your conscious mind obeys what your subconscious told it to do, and when you leave the party your stupid head voice comes in again to gloat, "See? Just as I thought. I told you it was going to be a lame time."

Have you ever considered keeping a "positivity" journal? Write down how you would ideally like to be, but write them down as if you already are.

1. I am energetic and ready to start my day!
2. I am enjoying ...
3. I feel great about ...
4. I'm meeting lots of fun people and making lots of friends

I'm talking about a list of where you want to be and feel. Write them in present tense, packed full of positivity. Even if you think it's unattainable, even if you think it's a lie, write it down. Read this list to yourself once in the morning and once at night. Your subconscious will hear you and start to retrain its way of thinking. You'll start to believe it and the way you take things in will shift towards looking up towards the stars.

Best wishes,
August
 
Thank you so much Maeghan, Lisa, Melody and Gina. I am sitting here in tears at the heartfelt compassion I'm feeling from each of you. I know there will be others reading this who may be feeling similar to me so I will say this. Loneliness is more of an epidemic in this world than people realize. I'm sure we've all heard of people dying from loneliness and I can certainly understand why and it's very sad that this has to be. Please know that I am not taking pity on myself nor am I saying "poor me." It's just a situation that I, like too many others, am in and I'm sure it will pass but it's just a shame that anyone needs to feel this for a prolonged period of time. Coming to these boards is very helpful even if I'm just reading and not posting. It is said that one way to get over one's own crisis is to help someone else out in a similar situation and you will both benefit by it. I've considered this quite often in the past but have not mustered up enough energy to do so. I know I have to do something to shift my circumstances or who knows where it will lead. When you've spent the majority of your life helping everybody else have a good life, it can be quite draining. Then, when you finally realize that you have to live life for yourself, all your resources have been drained and there's nothing left to pull from for yourself and there's no one around to now help you. (At least this is what has happened to me.) So health issues ensue and if you don't catch and correct them quickly, they can wreak havoc on you. Then, when you want to get better and need some support from others, you're pretty much on your own. Oops, I'm going off on a tangent. But I say this also for others to benefit. One has to take care of their needs first so that they can better help themselves and then others. When we are in a good place in life, all those who are around us benefit but when we don't balance out our lives, everyone will feel the affects.

Thanks again for being here. It means more than I can say. ((((( BIG )))))) to all of you!

Bam
 
Robyn, I'm not really saying that your number of friends get smaller as you get older but it can become harder to make new friends. I have no children so I'm not meeting other parents which is another way to meet people. I have put myself out there a lot over the past several years but as my health issues became worse, I wasn't able to put myself out there as much and because perhaps I couldn't consistently attend functions, people saw me sporadically and would be friendly and all but there wouldn't be anything beyond that. Also, because I'm not working, I don't have opportunities to meet people that way. I am truly glad that you have lots of loving support in your life. You are blessed!

Bobbi, great minds think alike! :) You made the suggestion of reaching out to others as I did in my last post. Thank you so much for your support and offer. It means so much to me. Beware of your email. }(

August, thank you for your suggestions. I have been doing so much of what you have suggested but I think things just got the better of me. I actual council others on how to create wonderful things in their life. I just have not been able to sustain it for myself and in trying not to be redundant, I just have depleted so many of my resources. I'm a mind/body/spirit person too but I'm not being a good example of this practice.

I can't thank all of you enough for what you have offered me. I am going to draw from all of your support and kindness and hopefully will get myself back into the world of the living! Thank you!!!!!

Bam
 
BAM, Hugs from me to you. I really don't have any advice to add to above, but hope you find something that works for you. Don't forget your friends here at cathe.com. There is almost always someone to talk to here.
 
BAM,

I totally know what you are saying. I feel the same. I am married and have my husband (he is great) but I still feel this need for female friends. In past jobs it seemed most of my coworkers did not want to start a friendship outside of work. At work, we all got along fine and liked each other. We would go to happy hour every now and then but other than that...nothin'. I don't know if we just did not have much in common other than work or what.??

Now, being in school, I have made friends. We have met outside of school a few times for lunch but other than that...nothin'. I went hiking with a friend once. She seemed to enjoy it but I invited her and she has never suggested doing it again. I get tired of doing the inviting. I invite and then, for whatever reason, it doesn't "work out". I want someone else to be interested enough in having a friendship with me to invite. I want more than an acquaitance, I want a real, true friend. One you can tell your secrets to and cry with. Those ARE hard to come by when you get older and you are childless. It is much harder to meet people, I think...

When you have trouble meeting people and starting real, true frienships you start thinking, "what is wrong with me?". That is where the problems begin. This kind of thinking can really get in the way. I thought like that for a long time but then I realized, like Gina, that most people are just really self centered...or busy....and either don't care to cultivate new friendships or just don't think about it cuz they are running around like crazy. I have one girl I was trying to have a friendship with that admitted that she had no friends. She stayed home all the time, jobless, watching TV!!!! But she still expressed no interest in doing many things outside of school. But other than school we don't have much in common. We do laugh and enjoy each other when we are together so my way of thinking is "why wouldn't she want to do that more?". But she doesn't. And I don't know why, but I have to be okay with it and know it likely is not me, but her. She has her reasons. Which, frankly, are sometimes screwed up. LOL

I know that I am a good person and would really be a considerate, loyal and caring friend. I have a good sense of humor. There is nothin wrong with me...or YOU. When you do get invited somewhere though....GO. EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. Because that is where you will have the opportunity to maybe meet those friends.

Take care and think positive,
 
Hi Bam I'm really sorry that your feeling this way. I've been really down also. I've just broke up with my boyfriend after 3 years. We lived together and had two of the cutest loppy eared bunnines. We had to move out because we couldnt afford the apt. if one of use moved out. So he got a place of his own and I had to move in with my parents. I couldnt take the bunnies with me unless they were kept in a cage. They are house bunnies and the bunnies were poddy trained:), so I didnt want to do that. My boyfriend to them. ITs really hard to get adjusted to a new life without them. The only thing right now that keeps me positive is cathe forums and working out. I also feel like like i've lost a lot of friends because all of them are getting married. I know it doesnt seem like a long time but for me it is, because he was the longest relationship i had and the only one that i lived with.
 
Bam, {{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}} for you and I'm very sorry for your troubles. When was the last time you went for a thorough check up? I might consider counseling as well. I do agree that once you reach a certain age it's hard to make friends. I'm 51, married, but I don't have children. All of my friends have children and are very busy with their families, and that's as it should be. I know for myself that I have to be the initiator and that's okay with me. I understand that they have heavier burdens than I do with their parental duties and I don't allow myself to get hung up over who calls whom. I don't always succeed, but I try to direct my focus outward. Like another poster said, you simply must get out and do things even though you don't feel like it. You have to make yourself.

I was in counseling several years ago and I have never forgotten the very wise instruction I received. My counselor talked about how we need to act the way we want to feel rather than allowing our feelings to dictate our actions. The long and short of it is, if you want to be happy, put a smile on your face and act happy. The feelings come AFTER the action. Does this make sense?

Bam, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and keep posting. Take care.
 
One word: dogs. :)

They love you unconditionally. They're always happy to see you come home & sad to see you leave. They don't talk back and, in fact, don't talk so will never say anything mean. They don't care if you're fat or thin, beautiful or ugly, wearing makeup or not. They don't cheat. They don't try to control you. They don't expect you to adjust & deal w/their personality quirks. They snuggle w/you when you're sad & play w/you when you're energetic. All they ask for is a couple meals a day, a few walks each day, & a little love.
 
Hi Bam

I have found that women in their 20's and above have their own circle of friends already and their life is full. They rarely want to start something new because they don't see the point. They have their lives set in a certain way with their certain group of people. This leaves friendless women into a predicament of where they have to force themselves on other women much like the dating scene. That is if they truly want to meet new women to hopefully become friends with. But this is discouraging since most women's lives are full and have little time to socialize with new women who hope to be their friends. And also who wants to mimic the dating scene of searching for that women to be friends with.

That is why we should all try and be positive and content with ourselves. And find our own happiness and joy in ourselves and things that make us happy. Even if that means reading and working out for now. Life is too short to be unhappy over would be friends who don't care to socialize in the first place.

I have found this to be true due to the fact that I have moved around alot. From state to state. And this has been my experience. Whether it be at the gym or at work or the market or the mall. Women of all ages already have their circles and rarely want to make room for a newbie. This is unfortunate. But there is peace in knowing this. Because once you know this to be true, you can stop trying to intrude in their circles. And the wanting to be in their circles stops. And that is when the happiness comes. You no longer have that longing to be in their group. Or to find that perfect friend or just anyone. And you can relax and enjoy your life. And be open to whatever comes your way.

I hope this helps. It was not my intention to for this to be taken negatively. It is just my observation of how women have been in different states as far as allowing a new person to become their friend.
 
Robin, thanks so much for the hugs. They are wonderfully received!

Janice, boy do you sound like me. I've also been the one always doing the inviting and suggesting and wouldn't get that in return. I didn't think something was wrong with me but I decided to analyze what the heck is going on. I looked at my behavior to see if I could pinpoint something that I might be doing that I was unaware of since it was happening so often. I came up with this: If I meet someone I click with, I get a little excited (since it's so rare :7 ) and I think I unintentionally put out a "needy" type of energy. After analyzing this, I realized that I'm sure I came across that way although I was not forceful but seemed so anxious to want to pursue a friendship. I've learned that it takes time to develop true friendships so I decided to start playing it cool and not expect to "find" a friend. I can say that things didn't change that much but I didn't get disappointed because I wouldn't have the expectations like I did plus as my fatigue set in more, I wasn't out there as much anyway. We all send out certain vibes that are subconsciously received from others and it can be very beneficial to see what vibes we might be sending out. It is definitely true that people are into their own stuff and unless you find someone in a similar place as you, it's hard to really connect and establish a friendship with someone new. I do have a married friend who has such a hectic life that she has said that she has no time for any new friends in her life. Heck, she doesn't even have time for the ones she does have. I understand this but I'm thinkin' there's got to be other people out there who DO have time for new friends. I, like you, know that I am a good person with a good sense of humor and enjoy being a good friend to others. That will never change. I know we just have to hang in there with the knowledge that when the time is right, wonderful people will enter into our lives. :)

Randidiane, I'm sorry for your recent breakup. I'll bet your bunnies are just the cutest things. I used to have bunnies years ago. Do you think you will be able to visit them or would it be too hard on you to see your ex? Is it possible for them to visit you? I had a friend who shared cats with her live-in boyfriend and when they broke up, the cats would visit one on one week and the other the next week. They had shared custody of their cats and it seemed to work out fine. I hope you find some support at home through this time. As everyone on this forum has said, there's lots of friends here.

Michele, I'm on top of my health issues constantly so I am trying to work through those but as we know, everything is connected. The mind affects the physical and then not feeling well for a long time starts affecting your mind. I'm trying to find a friendly support group. I really need to be around people. I'm such a people person and right now, my life is spent a lot in solitude so I am not living the life of the person that I truly am. What your counselor said is very true. It's the "fake it 'til you make it" concept which is very helpful in many instances.

Laura, although a dog wouldn't be an option for me right now, I know a cat could be. I'd just have to make sure I found one that likes to cuddle and be held. I used to have a cat that was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen....AND SHE KNEW IT! lol. She acted like a little snob and wasn't the lap cat that I would have like, however, I loved her tremendously and do miss her. Thanks for your suggestion.

Sundari, I totally agree with you. I think because I barely have interractions with many people right now, I'm looking for someone to connect with. If I were working, or involved in fulfilling activities, it may not be such an issue if I didn't have the types of friends I was looking for because at least I'd be amongst people. I certainly understand the importance of being content with yourself. I truly do like myself. I think it's just especially hard right now because of the health issues I'm working through and then adding the loneliness on top of it. This too shall pass, but getting through it has been challenging.

I'm very thankful for all of the support I'm receiving here. I will read all of your responses often to help me get through this phase. Thank you all! You are just wonderful!!!!!! :*

Bam
 
Bam, I am sending you a serious warm hug first of all. I have been where you are. What you have is depression - mild or severe, I do not know. But depressed you are and there is a way out. You deserve a great life!!!! Want more proof you are not alone? Go by Oprah magazine this month - there is an actual cover story article on loneliness!!!!! Just in time to help you out - now how's that for an instant remedy???

My life is very different from what is was 10 years ago when I was at a low point- today I am in my mid 40s, my own family (DH and 2 DDs), FT job I actually like, friends, happy. Ten years ago I was very depressed and lonely and no amount of going out could solve it. So let me give you a few things I learned on my own and from my many single friends in their 30s and 40s:

1. Nurture the friends you have extraordinarily well. I have very few really close friends but I check in often - quick email or call.
2. Join groups - exercise related, cultural, religious - not to meet people but to make yourself happy. A happy you attracts others. I cannot tell you how many times I did NOT do things because I thought, "Well the people I want to meet wouldn't be doing that"? like volunteer work or a cultural tour or trip with a group. One of my dear friends who is truly a role model for me is single and 43. She has travelled the world on her own,taking a trip each year with an organized group. Has made tons of friends everywhere.
3. Tend to your own personal needs. I would recommend weekly manicures and pedicures especially. Not too expensive, but luxurious, and you can nap in the pedicure chair!! I find that when I feel I look good, it lifts me. Did you know as well that personal shoppers at department stores are free? Sign up for your own What Not to Wear session and spend a few bucks on a few good items that look good on you.
4. In a word: therapy. I have used it throughout my life and it has helped me through. Also consider some of the excellent anti-depression meds out there right now. You may need them for a short while, or for a long while. So what? This is YOUR LIFE AND WELL BEING we are talking about! Depression is like any illness, like your current illness. You are treating that right? Treat this just as seriously.
5. Finally, use all these suggestions from everyone here to create a schedule for yourself each day that you can physically handle. I found that having to keep appointments that got me out of the house kept me grounded at times when I did not want to get out of bed. But I knew on a Sat that I had my running group at 8:30 a.m., nails done at 12 noon, tickets to a dinner and performance at 7pm. So I just did it. Consider an on line course in something if your fatigue is bad. Barnes and Noble.com has great stuff.

I do hope this helps. Hang in there and nurture yourself through this. Here to listen.

Julie
 
Bam:

As you can see we are all dealing with stuff. I feel that your focus now should be on your health first. As you said this too shall pass. And it will as does so many things in our lives. We all wish you a speedy recovery.

Keep in mind that having a job doesn't give you friends. It gives you acquaintances. Very different than a true friend. However yes there would be contact with people and the outside world. But I'm sure you know from experience, that sometimes those people at work are not the type that you would want in your personal life. I was always glad to leave work and the gossip and the back stabbing behind me. Also I heard one too many stories about peoples personal affairs that I didn't need to know. The last I needed was one of them in my life.

Ultimately we only have ourselves. No one can do our inner recovery work for us. We need to be our own best friend so that when hard times befall us we can get out of them ourselves. It is never easy but we do need to try. Humans among the ages have always handled everything that life put in front of them. So whatever comes your way as in this health issue. YOU can handle it. You have already handled so much in your life. This too you can handle. And this too shall pass in its own time. Not your time.

While it is probably true that if you had the friend you wanted. (Which rarely any of us get to have in a lifetime). You wouldn't be so focused on this finding a friend issue. But remember that having friends is not always the solution. They do come with problems and create problems in our lives.

This is why I say to you to let it go and be at peace with the situation. This is how you will be free from this desire. Fulfillment of desire is an illusion; desire leads to more desire, not satisfaction. If we are at peace with our lives than there is nothing missing.
 
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