Help please, drowning in sadness

T

tygra

Cathlete
Hi All,

Has anyone here ever had their husband, wife, significant other go through something - mid life crisis, depression? How'd they treat you? Right now, my fiance of 12 years is not himself. Thought it was apnea and wasn't. I'm convinced it's depression (lack of excitement for things he used to enjoy, spending time just alone, getting to the not caring phase). If he's not better by Monday, he said I can make an appt. He wants to figure this out and try and get better by himself (hard I think for men to admit). In the meantime, I'm dying of pain and sadness. Seriously, we had the relationship and love I used to only dream about in the past and it's been very rock solid for the 12 years. We're best friends and did everything together. I'm scared he's falling out of love and if not depression, maybe that's it?? He says he loves me, but doesn't feel anything. Doesn't know how to show me right now. I've never cried so much the last few weeks in my life. So much people at work say my face, eyes, cheeks are swollen. I miss him, he said he misses him too. Why not go in today??? I'm so scared. Keep thinking what did I do to make him fall out of love with me or hate me.

Any experience like this with someone in your life?

I'm so incredibly sad, my life feels like it's over.
 
and he does a lot of things alone, without me now. When I'd ask things, he'd get mad. We always said "i love you" everytime we said good bye. He was just mumbling it or not saying it at all anymore.
 
i wanted to say that i am very sorry you are going through this, and i know it is scary. depression can really cripple people emotionally, and if you have never experienced it, it is hard to relate. while i dont have any specific instances that allow me to relate to your situation, i do believe that people can be depressed and not even realize it. a therapist might be able to provide more insight, and it is certainly worth getting professional help. i hope that you and your fiance will find the answers you are searching for.
 
Currently I am dealing with a close family member that is dealing with depression, and they are just not themselves. I say get help for him AND you, and see where it takes you. {{{{hugs}}}} cause this is not an easy thing to deal with.
 
Jane,

My Son in law is doing the same exact thing. Joey and I think it is depression, which is an illness. My daughter and their child of almost 3 has this fantastic life. Great jobs, beautiful home and a child that most parents would die for.

My daughter says she is living in such a sad world. He (son in law) is sick all the time (his stomach) and has absolutely nothing to say positive. I'm mean nothing positive, but always negative.

We are lucky though, they both know something is not right. My son in law is seeing doctors for physical treatment (so far nothing) and also seeing a therapist for perhaps mental problems from his childhood that are just now servicing up. He has even talked about suicide with my daughter. They are also thinking about seeing a marriage counselor. Their minds are open to unconventional help as well, if this does not work out for them.

Depression comes in all kinds of forms. We hope this gets resolved, even if it is a slow process. At least something is being done. I hope with all my heart that things will be OK for them. I love these people they have made such a positive influence in my life and others. Now it's their turn to get help. They certainly need it.

My prayers, good vibes, goes out to you and your love one and families. It is a tough road, but you must think positive that things will work out for the best. It just has to in the long run.

Please keep us posted, and I'm so sorry people have to go through this miserable time. Get help where you can find it, and never give up on being positive no matter how hard it is.

Janie
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Yes, I went through this several months ago. I am 29 and have been married for almost 10 years! I met my DH in high school. We had been growing apart and he did some things that were similar to what you are explaining, among other bad things. We went to therapy as a couple and we are much better now. I suggest having him see someone to talk to right away; you will need to talk so someone too. With my DH, it was the fact that the war in Iraq, where he served a year, really got to him emotionally and he didn't know how to express it when he got home. And that lasted for 2 or more years after the fact.

I wish you the best of luck.

Clarissa
 
Thanks, all. I went through a major depression episode (as they termed it) years back, but I didn't push people away. I was quiet and sad. I did make an appt with my old therapist to help me through this. He's been throwing up and nauseous here and there and headaches. Started like mine, with insomnia. He's been to the doc, but I don't think being honest with him as the doc should see this. I told him if you get a anti-depressant, you have to take it. When they say you have high blood pressure they give you a pill and you take it to treat it, same with cholesterol, you wouldn't questions that. I tell him it's the same thing, a pill may be needed as it's a physical illness! I think sometimes he tries to be the big man.

I appreciate the insight. It's so sad. We just bought our first home together and have a fantasic life and to die for relationship. it's so weird and hard. His son just started college.

I see a lot of "triggers" that I tell him, even if good things - house, son in college are all good things, but major life changes. Then he lost someone in his office and had to run it himself and was busy constantly and couldn't unwind. His friend and boss that we thought was doing a good job got fired, another friend betrayed them - and more things like this. There's so many things. He was afraid of losing his job, etc. I'm there for him, hard thing is I feel he isn't reaching out to me like past times and then I feel sad.

I feel I've lost my best friend.
 
I don't have any advice, I just wanted to give you a {{{{{HUG}}}}}. I hope you can get to the bottom of your SO's problems and work everything out.
 
(((((((hugs))))))))) I hope you both get the help you need.

If he is started on an antidepressant, keep in mind that it will take a couple of weeks if not longer for it to take effect. Many people stop taking it within a few days or a week b/c they don't notice a difference. That is a HUGE mistake. Make sure he knows this so he will give it a chance to work.

Hang in there.......

Angie
 
You describe the classic symptoms of depression. If he is willing to go seek help then he needs all your understanding and support. If he feels like he is causing you pain then it will not help him right now. He will just withdraw further. Someone depressed is gonna withdraw. It's normal, kind of a self preservation thing.

I know you are sad and hurt but right now this cannot be about you, it needs to be about getting help for him. He needs all you understanding you can muster.

Start with your family physician and then go from there. It might just be seasonal (SAD) depression, could be a hormonal thing, or might be in need of an antidepressant. If it's SAD then a light box will help and magnesium and vitamin D.

I personaly find that 5HTP keeps me sane.

Seek medical help for him. Stay positive. Depression is an awful black hole that is very hard to climb out of. It's sucks big time.
 
I don't have any advice but i just wanted to give you some hugs and let you know that I was thinking about you Jane.
 
Thanks again everyone.

It's just sad because he won't tell the doctor yet. I keep telling him it's fixable, but we have to be honest with doctors.

He said by Monday we can go if he's not better. I made an appt already with a new, younger gen practice doc. I will tell him this weekend.

Sure hope we can get back to us - the "one" person we were. Laughed and giggled, cried and screamed together.
 
parkercp said:
I personaly find that 5HTP keeps me sane.
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I agree with 5HTP. It helped me when I was going through some anxiety problems a few years back. You can get it at the Vitamin Shoppe. Not sure it's potent enough to help your DH, though.

Prayers are out to you. {{{{HUGS}}}}
 
((((HUGS))))

Every once in a while my fiancee goes through this as well. Like Clarissa's husband, he got back from Iraq, and just had so many emotions and feelings that were hard to express to someone who hasn't experienced them. He also was serverly wounded in battle, and now when he can't walk (like right now), it just really gets him down. He will spend most of his time alone and won't talk to anyone else except me.

ITA with the others that you both need to talk to a professional about this. And please understand that YOU did NOTHING wrong. In fact, you are being very supportive and proactive with him, and it really speaks to your strength as a couple.

Just be patient. He will eventually come around. Maybe try "experimenting" with things he might respond to. We love to play Yahtzee, so when DF is down I will ask him if he wants to play. Or maybe I'll ask him to watch a movie with me. Most of the time he'll say no and I'd just leave it at that, but at least he'll know that you're really trying to help him out and that you still love him no matter what.

Best of luck, let us know how things work out.
 
Just wanted to give you HUGE (((((((Hugs))))))!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry you are torn apart over this and I think its great that you have help in the near future. Depression is a horrible experience to go through and I will send prayers for your fiance. I am sure you will both come out stronger for having gone through this. Take comfort in knowing you are never alone and there is help all around you.

Love, hugs and healing vibes coming at you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tina
 
My heart aches to hear your situation. My situation was somewhat different but my perspective is from someone who acted liked your fiance is now acting. i have been married 20 years and over one year ago I just wasn't happy. It was a slow downward spiral, sad & unhappy with my children, spouse, friends, family, well everything. It started out as anger, mad at everyone, everyone else was at fault for what I perceived to be things going wrong in my life. I did eventually pull away, from everyone & everything. Spent alot of time alone, yet when DH asked I said I still loved him yet I knew that there was something very wrong as I felt numb inside. Eventually I believed that I had fallen out of love and asked my DH for a divorce. DH said no, would not let me give up and he was not willing to give up. We agreed that I would go to therapy and if after a long time I still felt that way he would walk away and let me have everything. As of today I am still in counseling, since Oct. 07, and I am so happy! I was not out of love, I was very very depressed. Lots of childhood baggage to deal with. When I look back and see what I almost lost, I cannot begin to fathom that kind of pain on anyone else. I am ashamed of what I put my family through. It was not their fault. Just as it is not your fault. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. My father also suffers from depression, but he will not do anything about it, many men still refuse to acknowledge and seek help. For your relationship to survive I truly feel therapy is paramount. Not just for him but for yourself also to deal with feelings of having done something wrong. You should not be punishing yourself in this manner. Sorry this is so long but when I read your situation, my eyes quickly welled up and they are still so as I finish this up. I will pray for you, and wish that you will both come through this.
booboo39
 
tygra said:
.......my fiance of 12 years is not himself.......Seriously, we had the relationship and love I used to only dream about in the past and it's been very rock solid for the 12 years.
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No offense, but I don't understand being 'engaged" for 12 years. It's ok to not want to get married obviously, but saying that you're engaged for this amount of time is just.....curious. Who is holding off on the committment? This may be part of the depression thing..............
 
I am afraid I don't really understand this post very much.

The experience of depression for the depression sufferer is way worse than it is for any family member who watches them go through it. Whilst I realize you are not getting from him the reassurance of love that you seem to need, I think you need to understand that his depression is all about him, not about you. To be supportive, you need to get him to the doctor for a consult, with the possibility of therapy and medication to be discussed, but most of all you have to not make this about you. He cannot give you right now that reassurance. But I wonder why it is that you need it so much. Are you so insecure?

Sorry if you feel this to be harsh, but as a depression sufferer myself, I can tell you that when in the pits of depression, a sufferer cannot give much of him or herself. You have to be patient, and take your ego/self-esteem/needs out of the equation. Sorry, but.

There are books out there for the family members of depression sufferers which can help you not feel so neglected and advise you on the proper stance to take. Try amazon.com

I wish your fiancee good health.

Clare
 
I am saddened at the callous tone, to point a finger and tell someone to disregard their feelings, to intimate insecurity and to take their egos out of the situation is kicking someone when they are down. While I am sure that was not the intention, it is certainly how it comes across. Depression affects everyone, family and friends. I have been on both sides of the coin. It took Jane much courage to reach out and she is very entitled feel the way she does. Having those feelings does not make one egotistical or insecure, only human. I do not want to start any wars here as there has been far to much of that here lately. Should my post incite any unkind response, I will not respond. I just want to point out that we need to respond to others with the kindness that we would want should we find ourselves in their shoes.
 
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