Help please, drowning in sadness

[LaughingWater]

The spouse and children of a depressed individual suffer quite a bit. I wouldn't say they suffer more or have it worse off, but they do suffer. If you love someone, and especially if you live with that person, it's impossible not to be affected. This is situation where everyone needs some help.

 

[maddiesmum]

Yes, that's fine. I wasn't expecting my post to be popular. Whenever a post states something contrary to popular opinion, it is targeted for criticism. It doesn't make me callous, just a realist.

I stand by what I said.

If Jane were to consult any of the books written for families of depression sufferers, and I have read some of them in order to see how different my husband's response may have been from "the norm", they will tell her that the best thing she can do for herself is disengage herself from the equation as much as she can, for self-protection. The reason is, once again, that depression in this case is not about Jane but about her husband. He may lash out in anger, he may ignore her, he may not tell her he loves her. She has to stand back from that and remind herself that none of these responses actually mean that he doesn't love her, but that his pain is too great for him to worry about how she is feeling or about the effects upon her of his behaviour. Depression is inherently self-obsessed by nature.

It does not make me a callous person simply because, as a fellow depression sufferer, I sympathize and understand the pain of her fiancee more than Jane's unhappiness at his depression. Quite the opposite.

It is interesting, actually, how people react so differently to depression. I once received a private email from a Cathe forum member, who shall remain anonymous here, and she declared herself happy that I was struck with depression. She seemed to think it would make me a nicer person. The reason? I dared to respond to the post of a person who declared herself depressed and wanted to know if she should take medication or not. Again, I responded contrary to the popular opinion and stated that I did not think medication was always the answer. In fact, the rate of failure of depression medication is incredibly high and not everyone needs it or should take it.

So, what exactly would be the definition of callous?

I don't wish pain upon Jane, unlike the anonymous Cathe forum member: but I do think she can help herself if she can learn to distance herself a little from his pain. Her fiancee doesn't have to tell her he loves her for her to know that he loves her, and the behaviour and words of a depressed person during a bout of depression cannot be taken as indicators of their "true" feelings because depression is not rational. It is self-obsessed and irrational.
In fact, I am going to recommend to Jane that she read a fabulous book on depression to she can get a better understanding of what her fiancee is going through and why he cannot be sensitive to her needs at this time: David Burns, MD. "Feeling Good. The New Mood Therapy."

It is always possible that words offering practical help can be of far more use to Jane that all the cyber sympathy in the world.

Again, I wish her fiancee a rapid return to good health.

Clare

 

[tygra]

Thank you everyone, I do appreciate your responses.

I understand depression as I was hospitalized in the past for a major episode. My fiance has always been strong, so since I don't recall how I was to others, I wanted to find out if this is typical or if it wasn't that at all, but perhaps wanting out of the relationship or cheating behavior as I haven't experienced that. So I wasn't sure.

We just purchased our first home in March together. Our first home ever. We were planning the wedding for next year.

More sadness, today he did lose his job. A numbers game - he and his boss (just lost his job as well) made more than a lot of others there and as good as they did, they couldn't justify the numbers. MAnagement teared up as it was a close group. They didn't want it to happen, but the new controller didn't have it in the budget. He does have an interview already for Tuesday. I just made an appt for Tuesday with a psychiatrist and now he doesn't want to go to rack up more bills. I told him I'd pay the copay

Today he said he loves me, but he knows he doesn't deserve me, I don't deserve this treatment, but he just wants to feel something. He had actually started opening up the last few nights and I stopped pushing. If he didn't say he loved me, it was okay. He told me not to answer him now, but give him my answer in a few weeks as to if I want to be with him. I said that this wasn't and isn't him - he's never been like this - it's a blip in our lives (I'm trying to be strong, just so darn sad for him, my heart is breaking for him!) and sickness and in health we'll get through it. I'll say that again in two weeks.

Once he is better we will be stronger than ever, but it's just so hard during the time and that's why I just wanted to "talk" here for support with people that may have gone through it.

Tomorrow we are going to dinner with my brother and sister in law. That may help as maybe he'll open up to my brother who has gone through depression before and get some more insight into the fact that this is not him and is treatable, he just has to start. It's also not a sign of weakness, for men, that's a hard thing, especially my manly man .

Tonight he stepped out to meet the boss that was let go for a cocktail. Hope he doesn't stay out alone too long I worry about his safety. He said he'd wouldn't be home too late.

Thanks everyone again. It's so very hard and I do internalize. If I know for sure it is depression, I will be his - actually I am already - his biggest fan and supporter.

He said actually that even though we have bills up to the eyeballs and he has to have a job ASAP or we will be missing payments on things - he almost feels a weight off his shoulders. He was so stressed there for some time and then started to worry about losing his job and that now happened.