funeral etiquette

[janie1234]

I've never been to a funeral before. My sisters father in law just lost his battle with cancer and died last week thursday. Obviously I know my sister and her husband but I've only met her father in law 1 time in my life. I don't know him. Thing is I'm getting a lot of pressure from my family to go to the funeral but my own mother in law is the final stages of fighting lung cancer and on the same day of the funeral is the day that we are having a family meeting to discuss my father in laws future after my mother in law passes (and trust me this meeting has been planed for weeks-my husband is a manger of a hotel and his brother is a Dr they both have a real hard time scheduling getting together). Now I have 2 kids too and I don't know about bringing them to a funeral of someone they don't even know not to mention they'll be going to a funeral real soon, my poor mother in law is really not doing well. Would it be wrong just to send flowers and a card?

 

[Liann]

I've never been to a funeral before. My sisters father in law just lost his battle with cancer and died last week thursday. Obviously I know my sister and her husband but I've only met her father in law 1 time in my life. I don't know him. Thing is I'm getting a lot of pressure from my family to go to the funeral but my own mother in law is the final stages of fighting lung cancer and on the same day of the funeral is the day that we are having a family meeting to discuss my father in laws future after my mother in law passes (and trust me this meeting has been planed for weeks-my husband is a manger of a hotel and his brother is a Dr they both have a real hard time scheduling getting together). Now I have 2 kids too and I don't know about bringing them to a funeral of someone they don't even know not to mention they'll be going to a funeral real soon, my poor mother in law is really not doing well. Would it be wrong just to send flowers and a card?

Janie - I wouldn't see anything wrong with you sending a card and flowers. In fact, I would think that would be more than appropriate for your sister's father-n-law. This father-in-law is her family, not yours and she is your only connection to him. The only reason I would go would be to support my sister if I could, but it sounds to me that you have more important things going on at the moment. That may sound callous of me, but that's just my take on it. If you didn't have something important within your own family to tend to, I would be more inclined to suggest you go, but that doesn't appear to be the case.

 

[jodijodi]

I agree with Liann. If you were more easily able to go, then it would be nice to support your sister. But since you have something that is so important for you to deal with, then sending flowers or a donation is perfectly appropriate.

 

[PinkMom]

I completely agree with Liann & Jodi! And if you do go, don't take your kids.

 

[jharris]

I completely agree with Liann & Jodi! And if you do go, don't take your kids.

I too agree with the others, funerals are hard. And you have enough on your plate as it is. I'm sure your sister knows what you are going through. Maybe just speak with your sister to let her know you won't be attending because of issues in your household.

Jenn

 

[spyrosmom]

I'd say send a card, and go to the wake/visitation and skip the funeral. My SIL father recently passed, and I would have gone to the wake, but I didn't find out til the day before and couldn't get the time off work (it was my late night at work) Never considered going to the funeral, I'd only met him 2 or 3 times.

Just my advice,

Nan

 

[Beavs]

I always considered attending the funeral appropriate only for close friends and family of the deceased whereas the wake one might show up in support of family and friends. That being said, with everything you have going on I have to agree with the others. Send flowers and a card, or even better make a small donation to any cause they may have listed in the obituary.

 

[aveggiegirl]

I say go to the funeral and support your sister and her husband. They may need a shoulder to cry on. Get a sitter for your kids and discuss matters about your father-in-law with your husband ahead of time. Your sister may need some support since her husband's father died. That's what I would do.

 

[marnold]

Ditto with what Liann recommended.

 

[LaughingWater]

I don't think you can go wrong either way ~ attending the funeral or sending flowers, a card, and/or a donation. As long as you respectfully acknowledge the passing of your sister's FIL, you've done well.

Another thing to think about is whether or not your own husband would rather have you with him while his family discusses their current situation.

 

[janie1234]

Thanks everyone!
Jodi, PinkMom, Melissa, . .thanks for chiming in.

I have never been to a funeral so I don't know what is appropriate. With that said, . .

Liann,
I too agree that it is my sister's family not mine, . . .my parents are upset with me for saying that (it is a cultural thing). As much as I want to support them I do have my family to think about and my kids are really, really close to my mother in law. It has been hard for them to see her connected to a breathing apparatus. She has also had a bit of dementia.

Beaves
I too considered funerals a close family affair, . . .because they can all talk about their life experiences with the deceased. Since I don't know him I truly would not have anything to say and funny enough the only thing my sister has said to me about him was that he disapproved of the fact that my husband is swedish/german and that my kids are interacial.

Jenn
My sister knows about my current situation, . . . but we are absolutely nothing alike. I know it sounds like a horrible thing to say but my sister cares only about herself BUT she is still my sister.

aveggiegirl
I really can't reschedule the meeting with my husbands family, . .we'll be lucky if we have another week with my mother in law, . .it really can be any day now that she passes.

Lori
My husband deffinitely wants me to be with him BUT he is understanding of whatever I decide.

Nan
It is sorta a cultural thing, . . this funeral actually lasts 3 days and the funeral is an all day affair.

You have all given me a lot to think about. Thanks a million. You are all wonderful!

 

[nicolegadino]

I think the only person you need to explain yourself to would be your sister; and being your sister, I am sure she kows what your family is currently going through as well, and will understand.

 

[debbydarestobefit]

a voice of dissent

Well, I disagree. Death and funerals are a natural part of life. I've attended quite a few even as a child when classmates' parents died, and when relatives or neighbors died. A funeral, unless the family requests that it be private, is for everyone in the deceased person's life to acknowledge the passing of that life and entrance into another. It is also a time to offer support to the beareaved. Just as we celebrate births and weddings together, we celebrate funerals together. Typically, in my community of faith, everyone is invited to a luncheon afterwards too, even church members who may not have known the deceased or the family very well. It's also tradition to stop for funeral processions, as it is a time for others to be respectful and note the person's passing. That famous passage comes to mind when the church bells chime at the end of the funeral and people gather for the procession to the cemetery - "do not ask for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee". We all mourn the loss from our community. Just because we may be uncomfortable with the feelings a funeral evokes, doesn't mean we don't acknowledge the event.

On the other hand, truly, if your schedule and family responsibilities prohibit you from attending, then people will understand. But if you go, taking your kids is entirely appropriate as they need to learn the rites of passage also and prepare them for attending their own grandparent's funeral. Just prep them beforehand as to what to expect and how to behave.

Just another opinion. Deb

 

[Ly10up]

A card and your wishes are very appropriate. I have been part of far too many funerals as a immediate family member, and never, ever felt someone HAD to be there in order to pay respects.

I've been on the other end, that someone insisted I attended a distant relatives service. It was apparent it was more about them that the person who passed.

Go if you can, but it's OK if you can't.