fear of success

kblover

kblover

Cathlete
hi all,

I'm sitting here trying to figure out why I set goals and sabotage them with my eating and I think it is a fear of success. I am afraid that I will succeed and not be able to maintain it. Has anyone else ever felt this way or have any advice??

CC
 
HI CC:

I can't tell you how many times I have set a goal of eating better, exercising more diligently, getting back on the wagon... only to walk by the office kitchen and grab a bag of chips, or a soda from the vending machine... not 5 minutes after just beating myself up because I am not eating properly... it's like I have total amnesia... I don't have the self control to really re-commit myself... but I keep trying and eventually I will succeed (again ~ so I KNOW that I can do it if I really apply myself to it seriously)! You will too! so don't give up... Baby Steps... someday it will click and you will find what works for you.

Hang in there!
 
Thanks Dani...I hope it clicks soon! :) I'm tired of doing all that hard work (as we all know Cathe's workouts are challenging - in a good way) and then going and eating chocolate chip cookies (i won't mention how many - lol). I did just get Zig Ziglar's cds on setting goals. hopefully it works!

thanks for the encouragement - it's nice to know I'm not alone :)
 
That's what we are all here for, is to become better at something fitness related, even though there are many topics of conversation going on at any given time... the common thread is our love of all things Cathe and wanting the whole package, even if we don't know quite how to get it.

Have you tried joining a check in? Sometimes it is nice to get into a group that has daily or weekly check ins so that when you are having an off day, you have a support group that can help boost your spirits and help you get motivated! There are lots out in the Check-in's and Challenges forum... That has really helped me be held accountable... especially if when doing a rotation and with my eating!

and you are NOT alone ;)
 
I can't say i have any useful advice for you as i seem to face the same challenges. I never thought about it being related to fear of success though i may have to give that more thought.
After a very long period of not working out, i started again in September and since then i have constantly been "getting back on track" every other week or so it seems. I continually sabotage my success by eating junk even though i feel so much better when i eat healthy and excercise. Visiting here often helps to keep me going and motivated.
 
kblover said:
hi all,

I'm sitting here trying to figure out why I set goals and sabotage them with my eating and I think it is a fear of success. I am afraid that I will succeed and not be able to maintain it. Has anyone else ever felt this way or have any advice??

CC
Click to expand...

I understand completely. I've lost about 80lbs - believe me, its taken time. I found about 5 of them at holiday time, too much goodies and beverages, and I am trying to get back on track. I've managed to shake 2 or 3 of them and need to get the rest. I've been at the same wt now for at least 6 months (not including those pounds at the holidays) and I really need to lose about 20 more to be where I should be for height/weight and health wise. I know where I need to be, but I am stuck in a rut.

I don't like all the positive attention that comes with it - I feel like a deer in the headlights. "You look so good, have you lost weight?" said out loud all across the room. Um, no I haven't, its just a good pair of blue jeans. And thanks for mentioning that I look thinner, because then I must've looked like a REAL MOO COW the last time I saw you, even though nothing's changed. Of course of I have lost weight/inches, then no one ever seems to notice, and that kinda hurts my feelings. So then, whats the point? Plus, from what I can tell from other people, I think that I am bigger than they think I am. I carry weight well, I'm fairly tall at 5'8" and near 6 ft in heels, so the pounds have a lot of space to spread out over. I also think that when people ask me about my exercise plan, they don't believe me, becuase I am waaaay too fat to be doing all of that. If I workout like that, why am I so big? These are the thoughts that get in my head and derail me from my goals, or get me stuck along the way. I would be a psychologist's gold mine!

I try to keep in my head WHY I am trying to watch what I eat, why I bust my butt working out every day. Heart disease, diabetes, obesity, and cancer all run in the family. My mom died in her early 50s from cancer. I have a husband, son, pets, and family and friends I love and I really don't care to die early of some horrible disease if I can do everything I can to prevent it. I was 19 when my mom died, I don't want my son (he's 7 now) to go thru that. DH also lost his mom to cancer when he was in his early 20s. My grandparents on my dad's side died when I was 5 or 6 from medical reasons. I never knew my grandpa on my mom's side. My youngest nephew never knew his grandma. My son never knew EITHER of his grandma's, and his great grandma died (old age) when he was 6. I am still overweight, but at least not obese anymore. This is what always pulls me back on track when I start to lose my footing. I don't want to die of something I can do everything in my power to prevent. I don't want my family and friends to watch my lie in a hospital bed dying from an illness I could have prevented. THAT is what keeps me on track and keeps my butt in gear.

When DH was 3 or 4 and I started this rest of my life journey (and I will have to fight it the rest of my life) I realize I was being selfish by eating what I wanted and lumping and the couch and wasting my life away. I was taking my son's mommy away, my husband's wife away, my dad's daughter, my friends' buddy, all becuase I wanted to sit and eat and lazy myself to death. That is what keeps me in line.

I may never weigh exactly what the American Medical Association thinks I should. However, if I can keep up with my son, my friends, and my family, and Cathe, then I am doing ok. I watch what I eat, but I do still enjoy a bbq bacon cheeseburger - yum!!! Just not everyday. Doing the best you can for you and your family, that is success. Don't measure your success in fitness by the scale or what you did or did not eat today. Measure it on how it affects the rest of your life. If you can go hiking today with friends, when 6 month or a year ago you had to sit it out because you couldn't walk up a hill, then you are a success! If you can do a half of a Cathe video when before you couldn't make it thru the warm up, you are a success! If you can curl 10lbs and before you couldn't curl 3lbs, then you are a success!! Change your view of success, and make your own definition, and when the self doubt and other people's views come into mind, push them out as quickly as possible by remembering YOUR idea of success.

Stick with it, if you take a step back, it's ok. Stop, regroup and keep moving forward.

good gracious, I was long winded on that one!

Nan
 
Phew! I thought I was the only one with this problem. I don't know why I keep sabotoging myself, and I manage to justify my poor eating habits...I had a bad day at work, I'm not feeling well, traffic made me angry, I broke a nail - anything goes! And then I go a step further by telling myself well I ate poorly for two days so I might as well eat like a pig the remainder of the week and start again Monday because one really can't start from scratch in the middle of the week. :rolleyes:

Nan this part of your blog is me exactly:
I don't like all the positive attention that comes with it - I feel like a deer in the headlights. "You look so good, have you lost weight?" said out loud all across the room. Um, no I haven't, its just a good pair of blue jeans. And thanks for mentioning that I look thinner, because then I must've looked like a REAL MOO COW the last time I saw you, even though nothing's changed. Of course of I have lost weight/inches, then no one ever seems to notice, and that kinda hurts my feelings. So then, whats the point? Plus, from what I can tell from other people, I think that I am bigger than they think I am. I carry weight well, I'm fairly tall at 5'8" and near 6 ft in heels, so the pounds have a lot of space to spread out over. I also think that when people ask me about my exercise plan, they don't believe me, becuase I am waaaay too fat to be doing all of that. If I workout like that, why am I so big? These are the thoughts that get in my head and derail me from my goals, or get me stuck along the way. I would be a psychologist's gold mine!
 
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Matiana said:
Phew! I thought I was the only one with this problem. I don't know why I keep sabotoging myself, and I manage to justify my poor eating habits...I had a bad day at work, I'm not feeling well, traffic made me angry, I broke a nail - anything goes! And then I go a step further by telling myself well I ate poorly for two days so I might as well eat like a pig the remainder of the week and start again Monday because one really can't start from scratch in the middle of the week. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

HA! another Queen of Mondays!
 
When people ask me if I lost weight, I always laugh and so no. Even if I have. I'd like to think that I've always been skinny. Why can't people just say that you look good?!?!? :confused::confused:
 
Wow! so many good comments :) Nan, you are so right. I have to change my view of success. I do judge myself very harshly, but like you, I workout a lot - almost all Cathe DVDs - and am sometimes embarrassed to admit it because as soon as I do, the person looks me up and down and says 'oh'. I feel like I should be better than I am, but it does depend on who's standards i'm using. At this point, none of them have been mine. I need to find out the who's and why's of my story. I don't have my own little family and while I am extremely close to my sister and her family, I still feel that separation. I guess I don't feel like I have that 'reason'. however that is going into self pity and I don't need to go there. I have spent enough time there in the past. What I need and want to do is find out WHY I want to be better so I can use it.

I have tried a check in in the past but it didn't work for me. mainly cause of computer problems. I also think I need a face to face motivator. I'd hire a personal trainer if I could afford one, but even that wouldn't keep me from eating. I still think I just need to find the WHY for me.

You know what I find interesting...no one ever tells you (nicely) that you are gaining weight. They just let you gain. I realize the why in this situation, but if you're extremely close (take my sis and I for example) with someone, you should figure out a loving way to do it. I wish we had done that a long time ago. We're better at it now, it still hurts to hear, but I'd rather hear it then suddenly wake up one day and wonder how it happened.

Nan, I also wanted to thank you for sharing so much of your story and I'm so sorry for all of your losses. You sound like a woman with a good head on her shoulders....and I love your quote!

Marta, you're a funny one! I agree with the Monday thing, but why do we always do that? why can't we just start again the next day...we women are funny :)
 
I used to play the self-sabotage game but, at 47, I'm not finding doing the right thing as hard anymore. You get older and you start to realize you're paying for your bad habits. If I'd gotten serious about fitness and nutrition fifteen years ago I would have had the life I deserved all along, instead of putting myself on a shelf and just giving up.

I regret that. Still, better late than never.
 
Boy, I can't tell you how many times I've asked myself... Why do I continue to sabotage my own efforts?
I can't figure it out. I have a specific goal in mind, so knowing what I want is not the problem. I possess the knowledge and tools to accomplish my goals. What's holding me back? ME!!!!

I pre-ordered Tom Venuto's new book "The Body Fat Solution" and it finally arrived yesterday.
No, it's not a diet book It's much more than that! It's about changing the mindset and daily behavior to help us reach our goals. Here is Skwigg's review:
http://skwigg.tripod.com/blog/index.blog/1869291/the-body-fat-solution-by-tom-venuto/

Anyway, I wanted to post a paragraph from the book that hits home for me. Hopefully, it will for you too.

This is from 7 essential success and beliefs that make change possible.

#4 Worthiness/deserve it!

Most people are unsatisfied with their bodies. This is perfectly normal. The desire to better one's circumstances is hardwired into every human being. But never confuse the desire for improvement with the belief that you're not good enough the way you are. The problem is, disliking your body can turn into disliking yourself. Disliking yourself turns into low self-esteem, which means you believe you don't deserve good things in life, including a lean and healthy body. Low self worth easily leads to apathy, depression, or self-sabotage.

Body fat is not a person, it's a temporary condition.The way your body looks today has nothing to do with your capabilities or intrinsic worth as a person. No price tag can ever be placed on your value. The capacity of your brain to learn is virtually infinite. Your creative ability is boundless. Your body is capable of astounding feats. You have more potential than you can dream of. Most of all, you are unique. No one else has all the qualities, talents, abilities that you possess. Your gift to yourself, the world, your creator is to discover them, develop them, use them, and share them.
I don't think you can feel you can feel your best unless you are engaged in the journey of self-improvement. Unfulfilled potential inside you will always call out in the form of longing, desire, or sense of dissatisfaction. If you're not doing anything, don't be surprised if you feel unworthy of receiving anything. It's the process of improvement and cration that makes you feel good about yourself, more than the end result.
If you get moving and take some small steps with a good action strategy, you'll immediately feel better about yourself because you'll know you're improving yourself. Even if you don't notice the small body changed that happen from one workout to the next, you'll feel better just by taking a step in the right direction. Action cures a lot of problems.
 
Thanks Cynthia. I've seen the book advertised and wasn't sure if I should get it, but that paragraph is making me re-think my decision. Tom has a way of putting things that make me believe "I Can" do it. :)

Thanks Stacy for your advice too...I think I better boost my efforts and start trying now!

I just want to say, I love being able to come here to talk to all of you. It's awesome having this kind of support!
 
This is a great thread. Thanks for all the great input. I also struggle everyday with the same things and wonder when is it going to end! (unfortunately-probably never!) I have been back and forth about ordering Tom Venuto's book. I think I will get it.
chrissy
 
Kblover:

I don't know if what you describe is so much fear of success, I would think it is fear of failure since you said that you are afraid that you won't be able to maintain.

I have struggled with my weight over the past several years and kept falling off track. Now, I had a personal/business coach and whereas many things improved but not to the extent that I was looking for, the weight issue got worse.

What I have learned over the past several years, people (in this case ME) do what works for them. You have to have a really compelling reason to go through with your plan/goal, some people call it "Find your BIG WHY".

Let's face it, it is very hard to change your life style, eating habits, work, whatever your goal is. There are times when it gets really messy, the weight doesn't come down, your life gets stressful and you just want to rebel or don't do it anymore.

My coaches would let me write down my goals, how I would get there and also asked me why is this your goal. Now I wrote those goals like a champion, the problem was just that I didn't have a compelling enough reason to change drastically. Yeah, I would write, I want to get healthy, I want to fit in my clothes, I want to do this, I want to do that ...... I guess you get the picture. These maybe compelling enough reasons for some, it just wasn't for me, I guess it didn't get me excited enough to pull me through in the long run.

Over time I was so frustrated with my ever increasing weight and declining fitness that it also effected my work, my family and everything around me, leading me down a path of self-destruction. It wasn't until it hit me in July 08 that if I continued this way I was going to die before I was 50. Now THAT was a scary thought, especially for someone at 43 with two young children.

If it wasn't for my favorite enabler on this forum (thanks Michele - Miss Lee) I would have never found Cardio Coach and I may have never found my way out of this mess.

I think between the brief moment of realization that I needed to stop this vicious circle but didn't know how to really get out of and my very first Cardio Coach where Sean O'Malley said "You are free to turn impossible odds into a set of stairs that go either 6 feet under or 600 miles high, bringing you to a place few will ever reach" I found my Big Why and I found the means to get out of that vicious circle.

Since that day in July I have lost 71 lbs and I rarely fail to go for my walk / runs. But I can't also forget to credit my dogs to push me every single day to work out longer and harder than I ever have.

When I look at Nan's or my story it proves yet again that fear is a much greater motivator than the promise of any gains. That being said, I just think in order to achieve our goals we have to we not only need to write down our goals, decide on how we will achieve them but we also have to find out what our big Why is. What is it that gets you going every single day and keeps you going even if things get tough, messy and downright ugly.

Good luck!
 
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How true Carola. The why is very important. I can identify the why.
The problem I have is wanting to treat myself with the same love I have for the people/pets around me.


Tom brings home another empowering point for me in his book.



"If you believed your body was a temple or divine gift, would you desecrate it by poisoning it with junk food? What if your body was a high performance sports car? Do you think you might fuel it differently? If you believed your body was a lean, fat-burning machine, how do you think it might affect your attitude toward training? How would it change your response to adversity if you described yourself as a warrior? Most people don't realize that innocent labels and nicknames can actually change behavior and mold an identity. If you're going to label yourself anyway, why not choose empowering labels?
When it comes to food, I've discovered that fit, lean, and healthy people have a unique set of beliefs about food and a distinct set of metaphors they use to describe food and what food is for. The one I've hear most often include:

*Food is fuel
*Food is the best medicine
*Food is construction material for the body
*Food stokes the fire of the metabolism
*Fruit is nature's candy
*Lean protein is lean muscle builder
*High fiber foods are nature's roto rooter

I've never met anyone who talked about food with this type of language exclusively, who had a challenge with inappropriate eating or excess body fat. Think about it, when you look at it this way, food is no longer the problem, food is the solution and you become driven to eat the right foods rather than avoid food."


I know my views about food can easily be distorted. Sure, I know what is healthy. I know the difference between whole food and junk food.
I know what junk food does to me (depression, weight gain, more food cravings), but I still put it in my body!
How many people think giving up the junk food for life is a death sentence?
You can't enjoy life without it.
It takes a lot of hard work for me to come off a junk food cycle. When I stop eating it, I feel like I've lost a friend. That's not right. I know it.

This year, my goal is to really change the way I view food. I would never put the wrong fuel in my car. Why do I keep shoving the crappy fuel in my body?
I don't think it's because I hate my body. I think it really boils down to how I view food.
 
Everything you say is true, Cynthia. I couldn't agree more. I had written down all those reasons and they are great reasons, great motivators but it didn't do the trick, I kept moving in a downward spiral. Yeah, I knew I wanted to be healthy and fit, I wanted to treat myself and my body with respect, etc.

My only explanation looking back maybe that those reasons probably sounded good for my head but my heart wasn't in it, it wasn't compelling enough, it wasn't really my Big Why.

I think that it is crucial in achieving any goal to really apply your heart and soul, otherwise the results may only be temporary because we don't have a compelling enough reason to keep going and deal with setbacks, and to not only accept them but expect them.

And could it be that a lot of what we read in self help books makes us come up with all those logical, great reasons, we keep trying to internalize them and they sure sound good to us and other people but we keep failing because we respond or act with our heads but our heart is not in it?
 
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