dysfunctional family ???

Autumn68

Autumn68

Cathlete
Has anyone else had to cut off very dysfunctional family members? I wont go into the details, but lets just say they can make a movie out of the craziness of my family members. DH & I want a healthy life and even thought I shouldn't feel guilty for cutting them out of dh and my life, how do you get over the guilt? It's not like I can help any of them. (Believe me, I've tried). :( Thanks, Autumn
 
After a while you just get numb to the situation. I've had to put MY family (my kids, and DH) first and as long as you and your DH agree with that then don't worry about the rest. My family (mom, dad, sister, and BIL) are so super dysfunctional with a moral compass that points due south. They are always finding a way to make a buck even if it means doing the wrong thing. I'm in the middle of a major fallout because I quit my job and my sister and her husband were my boss. My BIL is a dentist and I discovered and confronted them about withholding refunds due to patients who overpaid for treatment. I told them it was insurance fraud, illegal. .then I reported them. :eek: I also reported them to the city for opening a new practice and operating on patients without permits. :( Needless to say my parents are royally pissed at me. I feel a twinge of guilt because I know I screwed them over by rat finking them out but I'd rather feel guilty about turning them in than feel guilty for not doing the right thing. Anyhow, . . . .you have to do what is right for you. There is a positive to this trust me. For me it is not having to stress out about it and having more time to focus on me, my kids, and DH.
 
Yes, I have. My sister is over the top with drug abuse, writing bad checks, etc. She is currently in the county jail for one year, and I have yet to visit. I can't bring myself to do it. I know I should, but I can't stand her lies, etc. I have despised her since childhood. She has stolen my mom's meds, credit cards, etc.

I know you feel bad. I think about my situation every single day when I take my 20 minute commute to and from work. I don't have the answers. Wish I did.

She is cut off from my life. But it really bothers me that she is so sick. I feel like I should be there to help, but feel she will just lie to me, as she always has.

This is a demon on my back. Sorry for not helping. I feel your pain.

I need some guts so I can go see her. She drives me crazy, but she is my little sister, so I should be there for her. My feelings are a mess. I have been blocking them out.
 
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janie1234 said:
After a while you just get numb to the situation. I've had to put MY family (my kids, and DH) first and as long as you and your DH agree with that then don't worry about the rest. My family (mom, dad, sister, and BIL) are so super dysfunctional with a moral compass that points due south. They are always finding a way to make a buck even if it means doing the wrong thing. I'm in the middle of a major fallout because I quit my job and my sister and her husband were my boss. My BIL is a dentist and I discovered and confronted them about withholding refunds due to patients who overpaid for treatment. I told them it was insurance fraud, illegal. .then I reported them. :eek: I also reported them to the city for opening a new practice and operating on patients without permits. :( Needless to say my parents are royally pissed at me. I feel a twinge of guilt because I know I screwed them over by rat finking them out but I'd rather feel guilty about turning them in than feel guilty for not doing the right thing. Anyhow, . . . .you have to do what is right for you. There is a positive to this trust me. For me it is not having to stress out about it and having more time to focus on me, my kids, and DH.
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Thanks for your input, I don't work w/ any of them, but it's sounds like similar type of people....fraud, steeling, lying, (drugs, etc) DH is in full agreement w/ cutting them off. BTW, I like the way you put it with the moral compass points due south...and if you try to point them to another way they just don't get it. I'll just put my energy towards those who are healthy. I use to try to save the world, I'm done with that. It's like a person drowning in the ocean, if you try to help they can take you down too.
 
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fitg said:
Yes, I have. My sister is over the top with drug abuse, writing bad checks, etc. She is currently in the county jail for one year, and I have yet to visit. I can't bring myself to do it. I know I should, but I can't stand her lies, etc. I have despised her since childhood. She has stolen my mom's meds, credit cards, etc.

I know you feel bad. I think about my situation every single day when I take my 20 minute commute to and from work. I don't have the answers. Wish I did.

She is cut off from my life. But it really bothers me that she is so sick. I feel like I should be there to help, but feel she will just lie to me, as she always has.

This is a demon on my back. Sorry for not helping. I feel you pain.

I need some guts so I can go see her. She drives me crazy, but she is my little sister, so I should be there for her. My feelings are a mess. I have been blocking them out.
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ONE of the family members is my brother, and it's hard when your the older sister. He just had another illegitimate baby and he used the older child (now out of his custody thank God) to get what we wanted from us, like blackmale. But she's safe now and I wont let him do it w/ this new baby. Sorry to say I have to stay away and not even bother w/ the child - feel bad for the baby but what can you do?
 
My mother and I were estranged for 7 years. We've been communicating again for over a year, but I am very cautious with her and do not trust her. She lives out of state and has never seen my youngest child (7 1/2 years old) and hasn't seen my teens since they were small children.

I didn't feel guilty, but I did feel judged by other people who didn't approve of me cutting my mother out of my life (I didn't cut her out of my children's lives - she chose that for herself). That bothered me because people would judge me without knowing the circumstances. But, I did what was best for me and my family and I knew that having a relationship with my mother at that time was impossible.

Good luck.
Erica
 
I have a brother, that most of my family wishes they could disown. I've removed him from my life some what (my nephews are involved) but other then spending time with the boys, I have nothing to do with my brother. It's sad too, because we use to be the bestest of friends.
 
EricaH said:
My mother and I were estranged for 7 years. We've been communicating again for over a year, but I am very cautious with her and do not trust her. She lives out of state and has never seen my youngest child (7 1/2 years old) and hasn't seen my teens since they were small children.

I didn't feel guilty, but I did feel judged by other people who didn't approve of me cutting my mother out of my life (I didn't cut her out of my children's lives - she chose that for herself). That bothered me because people would judge me without knowing the circumstances. But, I did what was best for me and my family and I knew that having a relationship with my mother at that time was impossible.

Good luck.
Erica
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Thanks Erica: I had cut my mother off for over 10 yrs, she's the worst of them all. I've only let her in via snail mail for the past few months and she simply can't go by our rules. But it's that or nothing, she's just not safe. At least we live in different states. I feel bad cause I don't know if she's mentally ill, it's the drugs, or just plain horrible. And if it's illness shouldn't I be there? Either way she's not good to be around. I'm sorry to see I'm not the only one w/ these kinds of issues, but I'm grateful for the support. Thanks.
 
I've only spoken to my sister twice in the past twenty years. She was the one to cut all ties with our family. She claimed she didn't want to cut me off but had all sorts of rules about who I could and could not speak to if I wanted to continue having a relationship with her. The people I was supposed to stop speaking to included my entire family, most of my friends, and even some people I barely knew. I told her I was willing to not talk to them about her, I was even willing to lie and say I had no contact with her, but that I felt I should be the one to decide who I spoke to. She didn't accept. At first I was devastated. But I soon realized that she was an extremely manipulative person and my life without her was much better. The only time I've heard from her is when she wanted something from me. I truly believe she's a sociopath. I'm not a big believer in blood ties. Sometimes just because someone is family doesn't mean you need to include them in your life.

Anyway, I didn't want to write a book. The guilt will go away. You'll probably be much happier. Whatever you do, don't give into the guilt. It's just like a craving, it will go away even if you don't cave to it.
 
i have a few relatives that are controlling, condescending, and pretty much verbally abusive. there are other issues but these are the what is causing problems with my family. pretty much they belittle my ability as a parent and overturn everything i say. they talk down to me and always pull a guilt trip if i don't drop everything in the world to solve their problems or help them out.

i am avoiding them as they don't even deserve a word from me as to why i don't want to be around them. i know at some point i have to confront the issues but a confrontation is not always the answer(as my therapist said its not about the other person its what and how we change for US). many live out of state so its not a huge issue.

the same is with my dh's family. its hard b/c we are raised to love family and to stand by family but when family is part of the problem with abuse of any kind, you have to let that toxic relationship go.

sorry you have to deal with this but sometimes there is little we can do unless the other party is willing compromise with help.

kassia
 
[QUOTEhow do you get over the guilt?][/QUOTE]

Forgiveness may be the answer. I know that sounds impossible or even crazy at this point.....but that may be the key. Doesn't mean you have to allow them back into your life.

I've been estranged from my own father for over 8 years.....all over religious issues. I am such a failure in his eyes just because I don't believe the same way he does......I've spent many years feeling guilt and sadness, tears and pain over his judgement of me. One thing I know for sure.....he is NOT my judge.......

Therapy helps too! :eek: Hang in there Autumn......Time heals all wounds.
 
Autumn...your post popped up at the perfect time. I think I'm never going to be able to talk to my cousins again. There are three grandchildren (our grandparents have passed away). One is a post op transgender (male to female) who I was very close to growing up. Now, she won't even talk to me on the phone. She's unemployed, living with her mother, and has been locked in her bedroom for the last five years. I called tonight. I miss her. And she won't even talk to me. She has such fear...she won't even talk to her brother on the phone. I give up. I've tried for so many years.

I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from and the immense sadness that comes when your family doesn't stay the way you remembered them (or so wanted them to be).

It's just good to know that you're out there, Autumn...and all you who have posted.

:) Jonezie
 
spicegirl said:
[QUOTEhow do you get over the guilt?]
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Forgiveness may be the answer. I know that sounds impossible or even crazy at this point.....but that may be the key. Doesn't mean you have to allow them back into your life.

[/QUOTE]

exactly forgiveness is not for THEM its for YOU so you don't have to let the anger and guilt consume you. its hard process and different for everybody but i would take faith's advice for counseling or therapy. it doesn't have to be forever. i did it for 2 years and its been a world of good. i would like more to work on other issues but 2 years really helped me to see the toxic relationships and ability to handle it.

kassia
 
I have an older brother who has caused many, many problems in our family over the years. I don't get it; he's smart, he's talented, he works his butt off (not lazy), but he has nothing. No home, no permanent job, no savings, nothing. He does things without even giving a second thought to how it will affect someone else.

I have pretty much have nothing to do with him. We don't live in the same state, and go for years without seeing or talking to each other. Truth is, I don't know him, have little in common with him....he's a stranger to me.

He lives in the same town as my parents, but they go for months without hearing from him. My Mom says they love him, but they just don't want to know anything more than they have to. It makes their lives easier.

It is still painful for them...he is their son. My Dad has told me that he feels he has failed somehow. I am just trying to prepare myself for the day that my folks are no longer here, and I will have no family left. I keep hoping that my big brother will show up, but I don't think that will ever happen.
 
morningstar said:
OMG, it's Ellie! We haven't seen Ellie in ages! (Not that we cut her off or anything...Ellie, did you cut US off?)
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Nope, nobody cut off!!! I was about to start a post about how I am DROWNING in my inability to say NO and am in need of some serious advice, support and help to get me thru all this. RALLY THE TROOPS, I am going to need all the help I can get. :eek::eek::eek:
 
Yes. I have made the decision that life is WAY too short to concentrate on that part of the family. DH and I make the most out of the POSITIVE parts of our lives and live for ourselves and each other. I spent years feeling guilt, but I am WAY over it. Trust me...you will reach your breaking point. :)
 
thanks

Thank you to all of you guys for sharing. As far as forgiveness, I know forgiveness is important and I have forgiven them a long time ago. It wasn't easy but I don't feel anger or hatred for them. They want to be in my life for what they can get out of me. Both mother and brother narcissistic, and other things too, if that's not enough. Brother keeps having kids w/ dif women and uses the kids to get what he wants. Mother doesn't know how to say one positive thing and has that illness where she needs to see dr's and have operations all the time so she can stay on pain meds...etc. I have tried to help them all for so long, and I'm done. They don't want help, they want to stay the same and for me to give them what they want. Well, I can't. I just let my mother in through letters only due to my niece who wants some sort of family. But they are all nuts, and the niece is getting helped now, but I just feel bad that I have a healthy life and they don't. They want me in their life and I don't think they know they use people the way they do...or perhaps they do?! But DH and I know why. And it would make our life miserable. I am a Christian and feel bad for not "loving everyone unconditionally" but how can you do that when your not God? I don't know, but thanks for listening. - Autumn
 
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