Divorced ladies - Serious question about splitting up

dss62467

dss62467

Cathlete
I have adopted the Serenity Prayer as my guidance for 2008. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

After almost 2 years of knowing I want this, I'm finally going to tell my husband we need to split. I told him in March 2005 that I wasn't in love with him anymore and was unhappy, and that we should separate. He wouldn't listen and the next 18 months have been pretty much a lot of emotional blackmail and avoidance. I've stayed because of the unknown, financial fears and mostly...because of our daughter. But I know I can't do this anymore and it's not doing any of us any good.

My husband is a nice guy and a great father. But I feel nothing except friendship for him. And the more I stay with him, the more even the feelings of friendship are being replaced by animosity. I feel like he is keeping me prisoner in a life I don't want.

He has this mental idea of what we should be like as a family. I think he's picturing us running in fields, all holding hands and just being super happy. But it has never been like that, and no amount of me pretending is going to make it be like that.

I'm going to see an attorney this Friday, and I plan to tell my husband on Saturday. The thought of doing this fills me with a dread that has to this point in my life, been unknown. I feel like vomitting actually. Yes, I did tell him this once...but it lead to nearly two years of passive-aggressive guilt trips, near begging, and yes...little suggestions to my daughter that I'm an uncaring person. So this is why I've avoided the topic for so long.

I can't avoid anymore...I'm 40 years old and need to start the second half of my life.

So...there's the background. Why I'm telling this to all you lovely and strong ladies is because I'm hoping you'll give me some advice on how to tell him. I know I need to be strong and stick to my guns, but I don't know the words I should use. Please, for those of you who are happily married, or believe you need to stick it out no matter what...that's not the advice I want. "Give it one more try" makes me want to punch someone.

Serenity. Courage. Wisdom.
 
Donna -

First I am very sorry you are about to go though this process - well actually have been going through it for the past few years. I followed the same path as you - I hung in there for 2 years - hoping things would change or we could be this ideal that you think about and that everyone thought we were - but it just didnt happen and was never going to happen.

I am trying to remember exactly what I said - but really it is about not beating around the bush - just like with a bandaid - you cant realy suger coat these things that much. Being straight up and straight forward is really all the advice I can give you. It is incredibly hard when they are living in this dream world and think everything is fine - and you know it isnt and are about to hurt them. I think my biggest mistake was not wanting to just have the strength to say 'I am done' in the beginning and allow for this hope and drag him through this - ok lets separate for now kind of thing - for several months, when I knew in my heart it was over and there was no repairing it.

The process is not easy - but it was the best decision I have ever made. Yes the finances are scary - dealing with your child. But my kids are much better off for it. I also really REALLY worked hard at keeping the kids out of it. Even if he tried to use them as a tool for hurt - I just didnt go there - I bit my tongue and did what was right for them. And they are happy well adjusted boys with two loving parents.

It has been 7 years now for me - and I am friends with my ex - sit with him at games and such -

Again - I am sorry to hear you are about to go through this - but just be strong!!! My thoughts are with you for sure!!!!
 
A very good friend of mine is in going through divorce right now.... something she finally initiated after many years of knowing is wasn't working. I saw her a few weeks ago, and she looks better than she has in years!! It's like an enormous weight has been lifted off her back. I know making that decision was very difficult for her, but once she made it, and had all the emotional support of her family and friends, it was truly the best decision for her. I'm hoping you have that kind of support also. You know you can always count on support from the people here at this forum!!! Take care.
 
Donna,

I can't give you any advice but just wanted to send you some hugs!! I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Donna, my heart goes out to you. I'm coming up on 8 years of being happily divorced. Sounds to me like you are finally ready to do what you need to do. Your daughter will be better for seeing you follow your heart.

I'm trying to remember exactly how I put it. The situation was similar to yours in that I knew there was nothing left of my marriage and to stay was to live a lie.

I think I just said to him something like this "Listen, you know and I know that we aren't good for each other. We have different dreams, different values, different ways of being in this world. To stay together is to deny each of us a chance at happiness. It's time. I'm done. I'll always love you for givin me my beautiful children but it's time for us to go our separate ways."

He insisted on going to counseling. Now I agreed because my heart and my mind were completely at peace with my decision. I felt that counseling would be a good place for me to state my piece and for the counselor to help him understand. I had been begging him to go to counseling for years before this and he never would.

Definitely a case of too little too late.

So, all this time later, I have to say the only thing I would change is that I would have done it sooner. He and I are, if not friends exactly, at least reasonably a supportive co-parenting unit.

Best of luck to you and please let us know how things go. It isn't easy, and the journey can be long, but if you know this is right in your heart it will all turn out fine.
 
RE: Divorced ladies - Serious question about splitting ...

I am sorry to hear this. Something like this is never easy. However, I have never believed in staying in a marriage for the children. Children are more intelligent then people give them credit 4.
I would tell your child first. You don't have to give her/him all the details. but be as honest as your can. I do not know the age of the child but let her/him know this has nothing to do with him/her. sometimes children will blame themselves for divorce. which is crazy. but it happens

2nd I would tell your husband.

and 3rd move out of the home (if necessity) to let him know you mean business.

If you are not happy and you have given it your all it's just time to move on........ start a new chapter in your life....

I hope this helps. This is just my opinion....
 
Thanks everyone! I knew there would be some support here. I have a bunch of support from my touchable friends and my family too, but the more there is, the better.

Suzanne - I hear you on the counselling thing. When I told him all those months ago that at I wanted to end it, he said he would if I went to counselling first. So I went, expressed to her my feelings and she told us halfway through the session that once one of the partners gets to the point where I was, there was no fixing it. He didn't like that answer and wanted to find a new counsellor.

He also insisted I go talk to a priest. The priest told me nothing about why I need to stay and work on my marriage. He told me it was ok that I wanted to splt, and just make sure our daughter was left out of it.

Nobody told me what he wanted me to hear. They all told him what I was saying, but he wouldn't listen. Very very frustrating.

I'll keep you updated. I'm sure I'll need to do some venting.
 
RE: Divorced ladies - Serious question about splitting ...

I stuck it out many years ago until my ex did something I could not forgive. I'm sorry I wasted all those years with him. I went through something similar to you. Have courage and stay strong!
Ellen
PS I'm am now very, very happily married to a fantastic guy!
 
Donna --

My heart goes out to you -- I'm actually in a very similar situation and I have been for years. I've told my SO repeatedly that things are not going to work, but I haven't gone as far as boot him out because I'm also concerned about the finances and our daughter. He seems to think I'll snap out of it -- but like your situation, several years have passed. It's to the point where us staying together would do more damage to our daughter than 2 parents in 2 separate houses. I hope all goes well for you. I know when you're through with this and you can move on, you'll be standing 2 inches taller and feeling so much better about yourself. I will be thinking of you!

Charlene
 
Oh Donna! I am so sorry you are in this situation. Nothing is more difficult than a situation like that! I have been in a similar situation, and whereas I am not quite at the point yet to permanently "pulling the plug" I am having the same considerations as you.

A few years ago, I contacted an attorney and infact filed for divorce but after DHs mother passed away, we tried to work it out again. From my experience, I can tell you that contrary to what a previous poster said, it is NOT a good idea to tell your daughter first.

It is something between you and your SO that needs to be addressed with him BEFORE you let your daughter know. I think it would be much better for your daughter if you and your husband could come to a resolution as to how to do this and then talk to your daughter TOGETHER, come up with a plan/solution and reassure her that this has NOTHING to do with her. First and foremost you both are the parents of a precious little girl and she deserves not to be pulled in the middle of this.

Aside from that, just imagine your daughter going to your husband and telling him. I think that would not look good for you when it comes to a custody hearing, because it could be construed against you and your ability to put your child's interst first. I don't know how the laws are in NY, I know more than I care to know about AZ.

Second, do NOT move out of your house before you have talked to a lawyer about that. Infact, I wouldn't anything or say anything before you have talked to a lawyer.

I am really sorry that you are going through such a hard time, and I am sure it will be quite hard for your daughter. I am sure you will be doing the right thing for her and yourself.

Sending you big squeezy hugs! Let us know how things are going or if you need to vent!
 
Donna, I could have written your post 2 months ago. I tried to pull the plug 2 years ago and rode the same roller coaster. I finally bit the bullet at Thanksgiving.

I had to explain to my husband EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for TWO WEEKS that it was over. He just stayed in denial. After I told him that I was seeking a divorce I was much more calm and he kept pointing out how great we were getting along....yeah, cause I am short timing! Every single time I explained it to him during those 2 weeks it was like he was hearing it for the first time.

I have kids and have been though the emotional blackmail and the rest of the crap. Plus, my friends see us as "perfect" and can't stand that we won't be together, so it is tough to get support. Stand TOUGH. The weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I am slowly regaining my life - and we are still in the same house. Can't wait till Feb 1 when the least kicks in and we are separated.

The lawyer is scary but get someone who you like and they will help you a lot. It helps when you step through it and see how easy it is.

BTW - there have been so many postive divorce stories on this board that it gave me a lot of strength. Thanks girls (and guys).


Hang tough and you have some "separation sisters" out there!
 
No advice here either, just wishing you good luck and hope you can move on to a better life for you and your daughter soon.
 
More hugs for you, Donna!

My only advice is from the point of view of someone who grew up in a divorced family situation (though my parents divorced while I was still a baby). I know for sure it was the best thing that ever happened to my mom. In her case he left her and she had a very hard time, but it turned out great for all of us. I am a very happy and (I think) fairly well-adjusted person and I'm thankful that my parents didn't continue trying to "stay together for the children" any longer than they did.

I wish you luck in this difficult time and I know you'll find the strength to stand your ground and get through this.

[font face="comic sans ms" font color=purple]***Lainie***
My fitness blog: http://fitnessfig.blogspot.com/ http://bestsmileys.com/exercising/7.gif[/font]
 
If he's dropping little hints to your daughter to the effect that you're a bad person, believe me, he already knows what's coming. I know it hurts to be left (been there) but I really don't like the passive-aggressive stuff he's pulling, the guilt trips he's laying on you to get you to stay (he's afraid of change and the unknown) and, especially, the way he's manipulating your daughter (Do NOT do likewise and, one day, she'll look at you with respect). Leaving is never easy but consider the alternative: Trapped for the rest of your days in a loveless marriage.

You know, I never understand why people try so hard to hang onto someone who does not want them. Chemistry is impossible to fake. You can't MAKE someone love you. It's a lesson most of us learn young and come to accept as fact but some people... LIke those guys on the news who take their ex's hostage... What do they think they're accomplishing? My heart goes out to you, as do my prayers. You are dying in this marriage (I can FEEL it in your writing) and you already know what you need to do. Don't cave to his crap or all your days will just be more of the same. Life is for living not merely subsisting. Forge ahead and hang tough. Everyone HERE is pulling for you.
 
Donna,

I have to tell you how courageous I think you are. . .I don't usually post, but your story really mirrors mine. I'm 38 and I feel about my husband the way you do about yours. However, I haven't told him about my feelings and I've been living in this situation for the sake of my 3 kids. . .Obviously, I don't have any advice, but I wanted to thank you for posting, because it has given me some hope and confidence that I'm not crazy. . .everyone around me would think I'm nuts for wanting to leave my husband. . .they think we are perfectly happy, and my husband does, too. I just don't feel about him the way he feels about me. . .I can't force myself to pretend everything is fine anymore. . .and by reading the posts of the other ladies on this forum, I can see that I don't have to live like this.
 
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