Divorced ladies - Serious question about splitting up
- Thread starter dss62467
- Start date
Donna:
I don't post here much any more but your post really hit home for me.
I have no advice about the telling - just that I TOTALLY botched it. I'm not going to get into details here, but it ended up getting really ugly just because I didn't have the courage to say the words. In retrospect, that would have been the best thing to do, for all parties concerned. But like you, I was scared, I was worried, I was riddled with anxiety, and people kept telling me to "hang in there" and "you're married forever" and all kinds of other TOTALLY UNHELPFUL things that didn't do anything but make me second-guess myself.
Anyway, good luck with that.
My other point is this: you should also at least have some idea beforehand of what you want the AFTER to look like. Do you want to keep your house? Or do you want him to keep it? Do you have other property and how do you want that split, etc.? The reason I say this is you don't know how he's going to respond, and you're going to feel guilty, and that's the time you need to be strongest and not allow guilt to sway your decision-making process. If you've already thought through how you want to split things, you'll have those words to fall back on, and won't be so easily corraled into an agreement that doesn't meet your needs.
((hugs)) If you PM me, I'll send you my email address if you want to talk. I know it's going to be tough, but in the end it is so worth it. (And for my EX, too; he got remarried this year to a woman who is really much better suited to him than I ever was. They're really happy together, which makes me feel much better about things.)
Marie
I don't post here much any more but your post really hit home for me.
I have no advice about the telling - just that I TOTALLY botched it. I'm not going to get into details here, but it ended up getting really ugly just because I didn't have the courage to say the words. In retrospect, that would have been the best thing to do, for all parties concerned. But like you, I was scared, I was worried, I was riddled with anxiety, and people kept telling me to "hang in there" and "you're married forever" and all kinds of other TOTALLY UNHELPFUL things that didn't do anything but make me second-guess myself.
Anyway, good luck with that.
My other point is this: you should also at least have some idea beforehand of what you want the AFTER to look like. Do you want to keep your house? Or do you want him to keep it? Do you have other property and how do you want that split, etc.? The reason I say this is you don't know how he's going to respond, and you're going to feel guilty, and that's the time you need to be strongest and not allow guilt to sway your decision-making process. If you've already thought through how you want to split things, you'll have those words to fall back on, and won't be so easily corraled into an agreement that doesn't meet your needs.
((hugs)) If you PM me, I'll send you my email address if you want to talk. I know it's going to be tough, but in the end it is so worth it. (And for my EX, too; he got remarried this year to a woman who is really much better suited to him than I ever was. They're really happy together, which makes me feel much better about things.)
Marie
Jess_jugs
Cathlete
Sending you some more ((HUGS)) and I hope that things work out for you. I grew up with parents that stayed together *for the kids*. I remember telling my Mom when I was 10 that I wished she & my Dad were divorced, I knew how unhappy my Mom was and how things were. She finally divorced him when I was 20 and I was already married, but it should have happened LONG before that. She was a brand new person the day that divorce was final & has never regretted the divorce. She wishes now that she'd done it much sooner!
Good luck to you!!
Good luck to you!!
CollinsMom
Cathlete
Sending you all the love an support in the world!!
I just wanted to add that my mom and dad divorced when I was very young, and it was the BEST thing that ever happened to my family!
Also, I am a single mom to a young child, so I have a little experience with the co-parenting thing. Do your absolute best to get along with your ex for your child's sake.
(((HUGS)))
I just wanted to add that my mom and dad divorced when I was very young, and it was the BEST thing that ever happened to my family!
Also, I am a single mom to a young child, so I have a little experience with the co-parenting thing. Do your absolute best to get along with your ex for your child's sake.
(((HUGS)))
Jacque1038
Cathlete
I do not have any words of wisdon for you. I just wanted to send positive vibes your way and say if you know in your heart it is not right stick with your guns because it will get better. I went through a divorce because I knew things could not be worked out. I feel like a whole differant person now that I am out of my bad relationship. 
dss62467
Cathlete
RE: Divorced ladies - Serious question about splitting ...
Thanks everyone! So many of you had said some wonderful things that make me feel stronger and more courageous. I had a horrible time getting to sleep last night because of all the unknown, but that will not stop me from doing what I need to do.
I did want to address a couple things, because well...that's just my nature. I also don't think that telling my daughter first is the right decision for us. She's only 7. She and I are very close and I know that he thinks that it's a situation of her and me, and then him. But that's his own fault because when she was younger, he never wanted to join us when we were going out to do things. If I told her before him, well, I think that would hurt him way more than I want to. I don't want to hurt this man any more than I have to - he's a very sweet and sensitive guy. But I also don't want to be with him.
I have been thinking non-stop about my plans for "after". I have decided I will be the one to move out because I don't want to take care of the house. I may be moving in with my best friend for awhile, assuming that she truly understands what it will mean to have a small child living in her house half the week. She's single and loving life. But she's also an extremely caring and responsible woman, so...I'm hopeful there.
It's very good for me to see that so many of you have gone through the same thing, are going through it, or are figuring out if you're ready to make that step yourself. I have a friend from high school who I reconnected with through MySpace a few months back. She is in my situation as well, and has been for about 6 years. 6 years her husband has been sleeping on the couch and telling her things will get better. SIX YEARS!!!! The thought of that is what gets me moving now. 18 months is quite long enough.
I would absolutely welcome any PMs from anybody who wants to talk about this. If you need to do this too, and you want a sister to go through it with you...we can help support each other. Believe me, if I didn't have a group of friends nearby to help, I'd be like my old high school friend.
Thanks everyone! So many of you had said some wonderful things that make me feel stronger and more courageous. I had a horrible time getting to sleep last night because of all the unknown, but that will not stop me from doing what I need to do.
I did want to address a couple things, because well...that's just my nature. I also don't think that telling my daughter first is the right decision for us. She's only 7. She and I are very close and I know that he thinks that it's a situation of her and me, and then him. But that's his own fault because when she was younger, he never wanted to join us when we were going out to do things. If I told her before him, well, I think that would hurt him way more than I want to. I don't want to hurt this man any more than I have to - he's a very sweet and sensitive guy. But I also don't want to be with him.
I have been thinking non-stop about my plans for "after". I have decided I will be the one to move out because I don't want to take care of the house. I may be moving in with my best friend for awhile, assuming that she truly understands what it will mean to have a small child living in her house half the week. She's single and loving life. But she's also an extremely caring and responsible woman, so...I'm hopeful there.
It's very good for me to see that so many of you have gone through the same thing, are going through it, or are figuring out if you're ready to make that step yourself. I have a friend from high school who I reconnected with through MySpace a few months back. She is in my situation as well, and has been for about 6 years. 6 years her husband has been sleeping on the couch and telling her things will get better. SIX YEARS!!!! The thought of that is what gets me moving now. 18 months is quite long enough.
I would absolutely welcome any PMs from anybody who wants to talk about this. If you need to do this too, and you want a sister to go through it with you...we can help support each other. Believe me, if I didn't have a group of friends nearby to help, I'd be like my old high school friend.
donna,
i'm sorry that you are faced with this decision at all, but no one can say you haven't put the thought into it that it deserves. from everything you've said, it truly sounds like this is in everyone's best interest. i am a firm believer that people should NOT stay married for the sake of their children. my mother left my father when i was just 2, and i know it was the harder of her two choices, but it was the right one.
i hope that things go well for you this weekend, and that all of you eventually find peace in the future.
i'm sorry that you are faced with this decision at all, but no one can say you haven't put the thought into it that it deserves. from everything you've said, it truly sounds like this is in everyone's best interest. i am a firm believer that people should NOT stay married for the sake of their children. my mother left my father when i was just 2, and i know it was the harder of her two choices, but it was the right one.
i hope that things go well for you this weekend, and that all of you eventually find peace in the future.
Sending big (((Hugs))) to you!! There is nothing worse than feeling trapped in a dead end relationship. It will be difficult for sure as you piece your new life together but once you get to the other side you will probably feel extremely relieved and excited about the possibilities your new life has in store for you. Remain strong in your decision.
Tina
Tina
So sorry for what you're going through! Nine years ago I left my husband after 10 years of our marriage spiraling downhill. I had tried everything to make it work, but he wasn't going to change and it reached the point where I knew I couldn't respect myself any more if I stayed. We had planned to go to Florida to spend Christmas with his family. I actually told him on the way to the airport that I wasn't going, and that I was leaving him. I thought it would be best for him to be with his family at that time - that's why I timed it that way. I called his parents and told them, so they would be prepared for his visit. I was really bothered by all the people who tried to tell me we should have counseling, etc. They hadn't lived through what I had. They didn't know what was going on, yet they felt they could advise me. I know they meant well, but I wasn't asking for their advice. You're the one who knows what's best for you and your precious daughter. We didn't have any kids, so that made it easier. I feel for you. I'm now happily married to a wonderful man and have a 7-year-old daughter and a 5-year-old son. As a friend told me years ago, there IS life on the other side of divorce. I wouldn't advocate it lightly, but there are definitely times when it's the best thing for all concerned.
dss62467
Cathlete
RE: Divorced ladies - Serious question about splitting ...
You know, I'm at the point where I think I'll never want to be married again. And when people tell me they're happily married after a couple years, I have a hard time believing it. It's nice to see that I'm wrong about that. Maybe I will find someone later on, who knows. It's definitely not going to be my goal, though.
You know, I'm at the point where I think I'll never want to be married again. And when people tell me they're happily married after a couple years, I have a hard time believing it. It's nice to see that I'm wrong about that. Maybe I will find someone later on, who knows. It's definitely not going to be my goal, though.
Donna, may I say congratulations to you for making a decision to change what is not working anymore in your life! Initially there may be some struggles (what new changes don't have those) but the rewards for you will be great. I have 2 friends who are in horrible marriages. One of them has served her husband at least 2 times over the past year but can't seem to make any final decisions. Hearing that you are following through with your decision actually makes me happy to know that someone is taking a stand for their life! I wish you all the best and please let us know how you're doing.
Hugs,
Bam
Hugs,
Bam
dss62467
Cathlete
Hanging in there and more! I woke up in the best mood that I've had in weeks. Just knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel is a weight off my shoulders. I haven't even told him yet, but I know I'm doing the right thing and that's a good feeling.
Even my relationship with my daughter has been better the last few days. I'm not so tense and am able to have some fun. Even being around the future ex is better. He isn't getting on my nerves as much. I can really see this unfolding into the scenario mentioned in one of the posts where the husband kept mentioning how great they were getting along. I actually hope that happens, because if we can come out of this as good friends, then the universe will have righted this situation.
BTW - love your screen name. Reminds me of my favorite story as a child, The Pokey Little Puppy.
Even my relationship with my daughter has been better the last few days. I'm not so tense and am able to have some fun. Even being around the future ex is better. He isn't getting on my nerves as much. I can really see this unfolding into the scenario mentioned in one of the posts where the husband kept mentioning how great they were getting along. I actually hope that happens, because if we can come out of this as good friends, then the universe will have righted this situation.
BTW - love your screen name. Reminds me of my favorite story as a child, The Pokey Little Puppy.
dss62467
Cathlete
Hanging in there and more! I woke up in the best mood that I've had in weeks. Just knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel is a weight off my shoulders. I haven't even told him yet, but I know I'm doing the right thing and that's a good feeling.
Even my relationship with my daughter has been better the last few days. I'm not so tense and am able to have some fun. Even being around the future ex is better. He isn't getting on my nerves as much. I can really see this unfolding into the scenario mentioned in one of the posts where the husband kept mentioning how great they were getting along. I actually hope that happens, because if we can come out of this as good friends, then the universe will have righted this situation.
BTW - love your screen name. Reminds me of my favorite story as a child, The Pokey Little Puppy.
Even my relationship with my daughter has been better the last few days. I'm not so tense and am able to have some fun. Even being around the future ex is better. He isn't getting on my nerves as much. I can really see this unfolding into the scenario mentioned in one of the posts where the husband kept mentioning how great they were getting along. I actually hope that happens, because if we can come out of this as good friends, then the universe will have righted this situation.
BTW - love your screen name. Reminds me of my favorite story as a child, The Pokey Little Puppy.
Donna -
Just wanted to add my thoughts to everyone else's and tell you that I admire the courage that it takes to make this kind of decision. I definitely don't believe in people staying married for the sake of their children. Kids deserve parents that are happy, and if that can't be done together, then it needs to be done apart.
My brother is in a similar situation as you, and unfortunately for all involved, he continues to ride it out. Reading everyone's stories on here has given me hope for him...maybe someday!
Good luck!
Just wanted to add my thoughts to everyone else's and tell you that I admire the courage that it takes to make this kind of decision. I definitely don't believe in people staying married for the sake of their children. Kids deserve parents that are happy, and if that can't be done together, then it needs to be done apart.
My brother is in a similar situation as you, and unfortunately for all involved, he continues to ride it out. Reading everyone's stories on here has given me hope for him...maybe someday!
Good luck!
Great to hear that you are relaxing. I also noticed that I am better with my kids because I am more relaxed and not as stressed over the things my husband does.
Be prepared to explain over and over that because you are getting along now....all is not well. And you may start to feel that way, too. After 2 solid months of work I had to explain it again.
Please feel free to email me at [email protected]
Be prepared to explain over and over that because you are getting along now....all is not well. And you may start to feel that way, too. After 2 solid months of work I had to explain it again.
Please feel free to email me at [email protected]
dss62467
Cathlete
Thanks and thanks and thanks!
Wendy - you are correct. After my brother and his wife split, they remained the best of friends. I think if you haven't done anything to hurt someone beyond forgiveness, and you leave the marriage before there's too much animosity (which I'm trying to do now), friendship is attainable if you are both mature. I'm hoping he's mature enough for this. He holds grudges, so I'm not sure.
Rqi - I have a good friend in England who is doing the same thing as your brother. He has been with his wife since high school and was expected to marry her, even though he didn't want to. Why he did it is unknown to me, but I suspect he has some overbearing parents. He is riding it out until their kids leave, so he's got about another 9 years. Fun, huh? No thanks!
Pellmel - if all works out as planned, I will be moving out early March. If he gets to be too much, then I'll have to go sooner. I know that even if things start to feel like I'm not wanting to leave, if I stay I'll be right back where I am now eventually. I'll shoot you an email from home. I can't get to my AOL from here. Stupid Internet cops!
Wendy - you are correct. After my brother and his wife split, they remained the best of friends. I think if you haven't done anything to hurt someone beyond forgiveness, and you leave the marriage before there's too much animosity (which I'm trying to do now), friendship is attainable if you are both mature. I'm hoping he's mature enough for this. He holds grudges, so I'm not sure.
Rqi - I have a good friend in England who is doing the same thing as your brother. He has been with his wife since high school and was expected to marry her, even though he didn't want to. Why he did it is unknown to me, but I suspect he has some overbearing parents. He is riding it out until their kids leave, so he's got about another 9 years. Fun, huh? No thanks!
Pellmel - if all works out as planned, I will be moving out early March. If he gets to be too much, then I'll have to go sooner. I know that even if things start to feel like I'm not wanting to leave, if I stay I'll be right back where I am now eventually. I'll shoot you an email from home. I can't get to my AOL from here. Stupid Internet cops!