Bobbi
Cathlete
Thank you for that perspective, Valerie. I had no idea how often the question gets asked. That makes sense since I had my first child at 26 so why would anyone ask me? 
Two of my nieces are childless by choice and I, of course, I know why but I am going to ask them if this happens to them and how they feel about it. I also have a sister, the only one who has no children and does not because she could not and that was in spite of years of in vitro. I know she would freely share that information and not mind being asked since it was something she longed for and she's outging and talks a blue streak.
We have new neighbors and I have been getting to know them and my husband wanted to know what the husband did and I said I don't know. It hasn't come up yet. The wife is a photographer setting up a new business and she volunteered that immediately. My neighbor on the other side, who is a doll but also very nosy, found out the very first time she met the new neighbors because she asked. I enjoy chatting and getting to know people and as I do, tidbits of information come out so that ove rtime I get a good picture of their lives. I guess I am trying to say it would really depend on the circumstances. Potentially, I could become friends with my new neighbors. I like them and see them daily. Questions from perfect strangers are a different thing altogether and it's understandable to get upset or just plain tired of one that is repeated constantly. I think that I would look at that when a touchy subject arises. How well I know the person or will know the person and what type of person I am talking to. What motivates people to ask personal questions? What's your idea of too personal? It arises a lot. In this case, I see a great deal of an unrealized asumption that a young couple will at some point be planning to start a family. Even nosy, prying may have no idea may be on a delicate subject or one that is so often repeated that the questionee is ready to snap. It's not always a delicate subject, that. In fact, it's a quite normal question in many cases.
Childless by choice is the exception and we are used to sharing such information, particularly with family and friends. When we stopped at two girls, people wanted to know when we'd try for the boy. We didn't plan to but he had other plans. I think most would be parents are happy to share and the curiosity is normal in some circles. If someone asks that question, they will most likely discover that a couple has a plans for children and hasn't implemented it yet and, that being the case, they'll ask someone else and probably not even consider that they may be talking to someone who has had fertility problems or just doesn't want the messy noisy life altering little buggers.
Anyway, Waterlily is sick to death of that question and with good reason, just as you are and it looks as if you may yet be asked time and again. Waterlily's husband was unhappy with her response as well and she's going to see this woman and the other carpoolers again and again. Will she now be uncomfortable because her response was so vehement? She may feel the woman who asked her the question owes her an apology for being so personal and yet she might want to apologize to the woman because of her response. If this was a problem I faced often, I might ask myself how to deal with it beforehand. A quiet that's a very personal question and I don't care to answer it" would quiet everyone down and even "I don't intend to have children." Period. You could meet someone who'd continue to pry but it's not always right to meet rudeness with rudeness when you feel people are being rude.
I have been having tremendous difficulty with my oldest daughter being mouthy, feeling entitled and generally acting like a spoiled brat at times. I have been trying to find a better way to stop this since I feel terrible when we engage in battle and, although I am 26 years older, she's has such a sharp tongue and pulls no punches when it comes to assaulting with it, she can take me quite easily. I was so angry and resentful of her and yet I kept returning fire but could not be so cruel because I don't want to do the sort of damage that could do. I know she's just angry and trying to hurt. That both hurts and disappoints me emotionally but my ratonal mind tells me she doesn't mean most of what she says. She is very hot tempered and a little mean too. I sadly concluded that while I love her no matter what, I am not requred to like her all the time, nor she me. Lately, I have bitten my tongue, in fact, I now have only half a tongue - and I just keep taking my car away from her newly licensed crazy about driving self. I can't help but wonder if Waterlily herself is unhappy with her reaction? Reading her post and yours, it's understandable that you are frustrated by the question but you are going to be forced to deal with it and it would be better for all who must to be prepared for it and to answer it or not but in such a way as to not come across looking a witch with a capital B.
I can relate to feeling stressed and upset and snapping a head off myself but resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die so I am quick to fix that even if the other person is pushing buttons because, in the end, I want to feel good about my behavior even if I am dealing with someone who is a rotton rubber duck.
Waterlily lost her temper and made her husband upset and she may have had darn good reason to get irritated but simply saying I am tired of that question and do not wish to answer it would have worked as well to shut everyone up. We know she's not mean or rude as a matter of course but now she has to deal with the consequences of her anger and could be uncomfortable in her carpool, which stinks. Finding a better way to deal with such situations, whether it's nosy people or mouthy daughters, is my current theme in life and it's led me to look at my own behavior when things get sticky. There is much to be said for being the better man even though that's hard at times. What was gained by ripping that woman a new one? The questions WILL continue . What's the best way to deal with a situation like that? I advocate finding a better way in a case like this if she feels she over did her response. It's that age old question about the ends justifying the means. Does it?
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"
Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
Two of my nieces are childless by choice and I, of course, I know why but I am going to ask them if this happens to them and how they feel about it. I also have a sister, the only one who has no children and does not because she could not and that was in spite of years of in vitro. I know she would freely share that information and not mind being asked since it was something she longed for and she's outging and talks a blue streak. We have new neighbors and I have been getting to know them and my husband wanted to know what the husband did and I said I don't know. It hasn't come up yet. The wife is a photographer setting up a new business and she volunteered that immediately. My neighbor on the other side, who is a doll but also very nosy, found out the very first time she met the new neighbors because she asked. I enjoy chatting and getting to know people and as I do, tidbits of information come out so that ove rtime I get a good picture of their lives. I guess I am trying to say it would really depend on the circumstances. Potentially, I could become friends with my new neighbors. I like them and see them daily. Questions from perfect strangers are a different thing altogether and it's understandable to get upset or just plain tired of one that is repeated constantly. I think that I would look at that when a touchy subject arises. How well I know the person or will know the person and what type of person I am talking to. What motivates people to ask personal questions? What's your idea of too personal? It arises a lot. In this case, I see a great deal of an unrealized asumption that a young couple will at some point be planning to start a family. Even nosy, prying may have no idea may be on a delicate subject or one that is so often repeated that the questionee is ready to snap. It's not always a delicate subject, that. In fact, it's a quite normal question in many cases.
Childless by choice is the exception and we are used to sharing such information, particularly with family and friends. When we stopped at two girls, people wanted to know when we'd try for the boy.
We didn't plan to but he had other plans. I think most would be parents are happy to share and the curiosity is normal in some circles. If someone asks that question, they will most likely discover that a couple has a plans for children and hasn't implemented it yet and, that being the case, they'll ask someone else and probably not even consider that they may be talking to someone who has had fertility problems or just doesn't want the messy noisy life altering little buggers. Anyway, Waterlily is sick to death of that question and with good reason, just as you are and it looks as if you may yet be asked time and again. Waterlily's husband was unhappy with her response as well and she's going to see this woman and the other carpoolers again and again. Will she now be uncomfortable because her response was so vehement? She may feel the woman who asked her the question owes her an apology for being so personal and yet she might want to apologize to the woman because of her response. If this was a problem I faced often, I might ask myself how to deal with it beforehand. A quiet that's a very personal question and I don't care to answer it" would quiet everyone down and even "I don't intend to have children." Period. You could meet someone who'd continue to pry but it's not always right to meet rudeness with rudeness when you feel people are being rude.
I have been having tremendous difficulty with my oldest daughter being mouthy, feeling entitled and generally acting like a spoiled brat at times. I have been trying to find a better way to stop this since I feel terrible when we engage in battle and, although I am 26 years older, she's has such a sharp tongue and pulls no punches when it comes to assaulting with it, she can take me quite easily. I was so angry and resentful of her and yet I kept returning fire but could not be so cruel because I don't want to do the sort of damage that could do. I know she's just angry and trying to hurt. That both hurts and disappoints me emotionally but my ratonal mind tells me she doesn't mean most of what she says. She is very hot tempered and a little mean too. I sadly concluded that while I love her no matter what, I am not requred to like her all the time, nor she me. Lately, I have bitten my tongue, in fact, I now have only half a tongue
- and I just keep taking my car away from her newly licensed crazy about driving self. I can't help but wonder if Waterlily herself is unhappy with her reaction? Reading her post and yours, it's understandable that you are frustrated by the question but you are going to be forced to deal with it and it would be better for all who must to be prepared for it and to answer it or not but in such a way as to not come across looking a witch with a capital B. I can relate to feeling stressed and upset and snapping a head off myself but resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die so I am quick to fix that even if the other person is pushing buttons because, in the end, I want to feel good about my behavior even if I am dealing with someone who is a rotton rubber duck.
Waterlily lost her temper and made her husband upset and she may have had darn good reason to get irritated but simply saying I am tired of that question and do not wish to answer it would have worked as well to shut everyone up. We know she's not mean or rude as a matter of course but now she has to deal with the consequences of her anger and could be uncomfortable in her carpool, which stinks. Finding a better way to deal with such situations, whether it's nosy people or mouthy daughters, is my current theme in life and it's led me to look at my own behavior when things get sticky. There is much to be said for being the better man even though that's hard at times. What was gained by ripping that woman a new one? The questions WILL continue . What's the best way to deal with a situation like that? I advocate finding a better way in a case like this if she feels she over did her response. It's that age old question about the ends justifying the means. Does it?
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"
Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
