DH mad at me about baby question

>Here is what I generally say now, after many years of trying
>to come up with something that pleases me. When folks say "Do
>you have children?" I say "No, I have spaniels." and I grin.
>I love my spaniels.

LOL!! I say this..."I have 5 children; 2 dogs, 2 cats, and a husband". That's usually the end of the discussion;) :) :D }(

Now down to just 1 kitty;(

Michele
 
you are right michelle that it is apples to oranges. i guess i was just trying to maybe help waterlilly not feel too bad about what she said. i know i have had my moments of exploding out of frustration, and taking it out on an innocent person. i really enjoy reading all of the threads on this forum, and all of the different insights and opinions that everyone has.

and yes, the guy i worked with was the biggest dork, so i kindof set him up for my beat down. that probably wasn't that nice, but i just couldn't help myself.
 
You know, if you want interesting reading, juxtapose this thread with the one about the woman who just had her 16th child. Over here you have folks talking about how terrible it feels to hear other people make commentary on the decision not to have children (and I don't mean just asking if you have them, I mean the ones who say they've been insulted and such). Over there you have people criticizing that woman's choice to have 16 of them.

So whether you agree with someone's choice or not, why would we expect anyone to have tolerance for our decisions when we clearly don't have any for the choices other people make?

Marie
 
Hey Waterlily,

Your comeback made me giggle. As a childfree person who also gets asked that waaaaaaay too much, I liked that you turned the tables on her.

Sometimes people have to be hit with a hammer before they finally "get" that a question like "when are you having kids" is extremely personal and asking someone that, who isn't even a friend, is classless at best.

Kudos to you, girl!!
 
>You know, if you want interesting reading, juxtapose this
>thread with the one about the woman who just had her 16th
>child. Over here you have folks talking about how terrible it
>feels to hear other people make commentary on the decision not
>to have children (and I don't mean just asking if you have
>them, I mean the ones who say they've been insulted and such).
>Over there you have people criticizing that woman's choice to
>have 16 of them.
>
>So whether you agree with someone's choice or not, why would
>we expect anyone to have tolerance for our decisions when we
>clearly don't have any for the choices other people make?
>
>Marie

Brilliant post, Marie. ;) There's a palpabale lack of tolerance, and kindness especially, in this world. :-(
We all get angry and even explode from time to time. It's just human nature. But can't we all be big enough to take responsibility for our own choices, actions, and the way we respond/react to a situation? Enough with this eye for an eye stuff. In the end, this scenario just leaves us blind.

Michele
 
Hi Gayle,

People come from different backgrounds and to some this may not be a rude question. There is no evidence that this girl was being judgemental. Why attack with a hammer when an honest word would have made the point. How much harder would it have been to say, I do not intend to have children and don't wish to discuss it? I have found that when I enlightened people to the sensativity of this subject, they were very receptive. I agree that some people are judgemental but others are really not informed. We inform people about many subjects, why not this one?

jordan
 
Hi Jordan,

I made the "hammer" point because for some people, that's what it takes to get a point across. Not for everybody, but for some.

Case in point: DH and I socialize with a group of people that included a couple with kids who asked us the "baby" question on almost every occasion they saw us. It got to point of implying "what's wrong with you for not having kids". We took the high road for long time with them, and informed them saying "we just aren't doing that right now, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah".

The last time they pushed the issue was at a party in front of a bunch of other couples. I'd finally had enough of it and retorted "Are you in some kind of baby Amway pyramid scheme where you get cut of the action if you get someone else on board?".

That was the only thing that stopped the question. It also got several laughs from the truly "enlightened" people in the crowd.
 
Gayle, I think that is a different situation altogether and you handled it really well (using humor and not anger to make your point), as opposed to the original poster, who seemed to go right for the jugular.

Honestly, sometimes I think the issue with people going around the same question over and over is that they have nothing else to talk about: no original thoughts and an inability to articulate anything beyond the weather, the kids, their various ills, and the latest gossip. (Are we talking about my mother?? :) )

Marie
 
Well, I certainly don't think she'll be talking to you again anytime soon. So if that was your point, mission accomplished. Of course, someday, at some unforseen time, you may need this woman's help and she may not be too willing to offer it up. I try not to burn my bridges that way, it's funny how karma works.

I agree it's an inappropriate question, I know I hated hearing it through my years of infertility. But I think your comments were a little harsh. Are you sure your not really upset about something else? Has this woman been a thorn in your side for a while? I know I sometimes fly off the handle when I'm really upset about something else. Or as a build up of stress.

I agree with Clare's comments. There is really no need to be so harsh. Who knows what horrible things that may be going on in the woman's life you ripped into.

Peace and hugs. ;-)
 
>Gayle, I think that is a different situation altogether and
>you handled it really well (using humor and not anger to make
>your point), as opposed to the original poster, who seemed to
>go right for the jugular.
> (snip)

Hi Gayle,

I agree with the above statement about the way you handled your situation. I also agreed with smartyjones. I guess it's all about the way you want to be as a person. Waterlily was ok with her actions but her DH was not. I think that people were just offering their own take on things & giving reasons based on their own opinions as to why her DH was upset.

jordan
 
Waterlily--I think your reply was harsh also, but I know how annoying it is to be asked the same personal question again and again. Sometimes we just snap, but probably you should apologize and explain why this is such a touchy subject for you.

Expecting my 6th child, I often get annoying personal questions and comments from the other side of the aisle, so to speak. "Are you done yet?" probably being the most common. I have learned that most people ask this because they are genuinely interested, but still, I think that questions about childbearing are of such a personal nature that I'm always a wee bit irked by the question. (plus I'm never sure how to answer--so I usually sound like an idiot by saying I don't know, because honestly I don't:p :p )

I also had one occaision where a woman, a total stranger, lectured me harshly on the harm I was doing the environment by having so many children. I just walked away from her. I probably would have responded more strongly because she was so incredibly rude and out of line, except that I had just found out the child I was carrying had a heart defect, so I was a little shell shocked. The whole thing was wierd.

As a mom I do not think of myself as better than those who have chosen not to have kids and I never ask personal questions about someone's reproductive choices, but please keep in mind that judgemental people exist on BOTH sides of the issue.

Sorry this is so rambling--I plead pregnant brain.

Maggie:)
 
I tend to not respond to threads that strike up so much controversy, but I decided to add in my 2 cents this time.

I have a 2 year old daughter and love her more than anything, however, after the emergency c-section to deliver her I hemorrhaged
horribly to the point they thought they were going to have to take out my uterus in order to save my life. Anyway, after that ordeal I decided that one child was enough for me. I am repeatedly being asked when I am going to have my next one. Not "if" I am going to have another one, but "when". I have to admit that after awhile it gets irritating and you wish people would just leave it alone, however I also understand that that's just the way people are and I would never think to answer with such a rude comment or punish one person for every person who asked the same thing.

People ask personal questions all the time. Do you get angry when people ask questions like what you do for a living or how many siblings you have? These are personal questions that could all have baggage attached to them, but I think it is just human nature to want to know about the people you deal with on a day to day basis. It sounds to me that you are a bit on the defense about your decision. And, please don't get me wrong, I think everyone is perfectly entitled to make their own life choices. I think if people prefer to not have children then that's wonderful. It upsets me when people don't really want children, but have them anyway because it is "expected" of them. So, I think it's wonderful that you are choosing to live your life the way you want. Everyone should.

I'm sure she meant no harm, but have you thought that maybe because of your comment the poor woman probably felt terrible all day long. Was that your intent? To make her feel awful? To put her in her place? Do you honestly think that if you had asked someone a personal question (which I'm sure you've done at some point) and they reacted as you did, that you wouldn't be creating a thread on these forums about how rude and horrible this person was to you?

Just something to think about. Okay, I'm done now. I'll go back to lurking.

Katie
 
>The last time they pushed the issue was at a party in front of
>a bunch of other couples. I'd finally had enough of it and
>retorted "Are you in some kind of baby Amway pyramid scheme
>where you get cut of the action if you get someone else on
>board?".
>
>I agree that this was a great way to handle the situation. Not at all like the original post.
 
Waterlily, I hear you. The question just never ends. I'm married with no children and I really get tired of family, friends and people in the supermarket ;-). It's very fustrating. You guys have made great points from both sides but for some of you, I know you just don't understand. I'm very calm and mild-mannered person and now when people ask me I just say why not? I use to go into all these long explanations and funny one-liners but now, I just keep it simple. What some of you may not understand is that you may be comfortable with your decision but you constantly feel like your on display. At least that's my experience, anytime you get a group of women together, you're just anticipating the question,(baby showers, reunions, work?) In addition to that, there really is no public support for us, now it's more common, but let's face-it--you don't see any commercials promoting a childfree lifestyle--It's mostly families with children, couples "starting a family" or empty-nesters "couples who have raised families". Sometimes you just want to scream from the fustration of it all. The funny thing of it all is that it's just hard for women. Those with children, whom I respect (it's tough work! but rewarding and I'm sure) and those without, those I identify with. Anyway, that's my 2 cents or more or less..my 10 cents :),

Katrina
 
Thanks for all the input. Maybe (just maybe) I owe the lady an apology. I guess I will also apologise to other members of the carpool. But damn, I am so fed up. Anyway, I understand all the points of view expressed. Thruthfully, I know I was a bit harsh. All my aggression just came out on one person.
 
did you ever think that your post would cause so much contraversy??? :+

I think that you are doing the right thing by apologizing. I understand your frustration, though, and also know that noone means to put you on the spot or make you feel bad. Others have made me feel angry by being nosy, too, even if they didn't mean anything harmful from it.

Good luck!

Missy
 
I am 30 and have been married for 3 1/2 years. DH and I both have our graduate degrees and good jobs. We bought a 4 bedroom house in June (for just the two of us), and the questions intensified. I get the question almost daily, yes daily. It's annoying. DH and I plan to have children - when we are ready. Maybe I am sympathetic to this particular subject, but I would never ask something so personal. You never know the answer you may get. What if the person just miscarried? What if they couldn't get pregnant? What business is it of someone else outside of my marriage anyway?

I won't say something snarky back, but occasionally I have ignored the question and started another topic. My personal favorite to the "When Are you going to have a baby?" is "Five Years from the last time you ask", and then look at my watch. It gets the point across. :p

Valerie
 
Wow! I guess I won't ask anyone THAT question again! I never knew it could be so hurtful. ;)

**Melanie**
baby to be 11/28/05
Justin born 1/17/04
Jory born 4/9/94

http://lilypie.com/days/051128/2/4/1/-6/.png[/img][/url]
 
Everyone is raised different and comes from a different background so everyone's idea of where to draw the line on what is okay to ask and what is not can be different. I think we all have to keep that in mind before we get really mad at someone for "prying" or asking too personal of a question. Now if you nicely explain to someone that they are going to far the first time and then it happens again, well then I say go ahead and get mad! }(

I agree that it would be a nice gesture to apologize but also explain to her WHY you got mad so that she understands and hopefully will not do it again. :)
 
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