DH mad at me about baby question

Hi Bobbi, I agree its okay to ask if someone has kids.

Asking a chidless couple IF they are going to have kids is a different story though.
 
Waterlily--I hope you have the good sense and decency to apologize to that woman in the presence of all who heard your degrading, demoralizng, and possibly, slanderous remark. Your "retort" was beyond rude. So what if she asked you about your plans to start a family. What's with the short fuse!?

My DH and I tried for 11 years to have a child and I can tell you that I never became so angry over simply being asked when I was going to have children, or why don't I have children. Yes, it can be annoying when you're trying to conceive and it seems like everyone and their brother wants to know what your plans are regarding children, but I don't get the anger. You might consider trying to disarm people with your wit and humor rather than slashing them with your tongue.

Michele
 
That's why I never, never ask that question! I might wonder, but I keep it to myself. Not only is it personal, but it can be painful for many people, even those who are childless by choice. There is an expectation that married couples should have kids, and those that don't are somehow deviant. I wouldn't dream of putting someone on the spot like that and making them uncomfortable.

JMTC

L
 
"Waterlily--I hope you have the good sense and decency to apologize to that woman in the presence of all who heard your degrading, demoralizng, and possibly, slanderous remark. Your "retort" was beyond rude. So what if she asked you about your plans to start a family. What's with the short fuse!? "

Disagree with this opinion completely.

Why is it so socially unacceptable for a woman to express anger? There's a whole bunch of political baggage attached to this to be wary of. Why should we all shut up and bear people prying into our lives? I do hope that the person who was shocked at Waterlily's response will now have the sensitivity to stop and think about the moral and emotional baggage attached to such questions before opening her mouth to ask such an oft-repeated, loaded question again. Waterily has every right to her anger.

You cannot condemn Waterlily as being "rude and slanderous" because she has a different emotional reaction and fuse than you. Stop judging her.

We do not have the right to ask others anything we wish to know about their lives and choices. Neither should we always have to be ready to defend our choices and lives at a moment's notice. How many times is the table reversed here? How often do you see child-less or child-free individuals grilling others publically, with thinly veiled criticism, about "why exactly did you have children? Why would anyone make this decision? Is there something wrong with you?" As if there were only one, normative way to lead our lives and be a woman.

And, how many times is this childlessness question directed at a man? The fact is that the identity of women is still socially constructed around obligatory-maternity. If it weren't, this thread would not even exist.

Clare
 
Again it is being ASSUMED that the woman had bad intentions behind her question. Waterlily has every right NOT to answer the question and to feel the question was too personal, etc. I completely agree with that and it is her perogative to feel that way BUT I saw absolutley no reason for her to be nasty in her response.
 
Wow....You're having a bad week, huh, Clare???

What is the big deal if someone asks if they're going to have a baby or if they have kids already? Maybe she was just trying to have a conversation because MAYBE she has kids??? I personally think that comeback was uncalled for. She could've come up with something better than that. And YES, people ask MEN if they have kids or will they have kids. Personally, I'd prefer to ask the man if they have or will they plan on having kids than the woman. At least the man doesn't flip out like the woman would.

Also, Waterlily, if you don't want to be bothered with questions and all, perhaps you shouldn't carpool or talk to too many people because they're going to ask you questions whether you like it or not. It's human nature to be curious. And yes, there are rude childless couples as well as rude couples with kids. People ask that question because the majority of population have kids. It's only natural. If you do not want to be bothered, you could've said " I'd rather not talk about it if you don't mind." or explain like the other poster said.
 
Clare,

I respectfully disagree with your opinion. I don't want to live in the world you describe. I believe anger begets more anger. I think there are better and more constructive ways to diffuse tense situations. I think it's completely irrational for a person to basically call a woman a whore just because she annoyed you with her question about starting a family.

I agree it's rude to ask these types of questions but I don't believe people intend to be rude. I think they're just trying to make conversation. I don't see how this situation required a defense. Waterlily wasn't in court on the witness stand. There are any number of responses that could've been given. Don't you see, the retort she gave WAS defensive--she put herself in that boat.

I don't think I condemned anyone. Waterlily started the post thereby opening herself up to the opinions of those on this forum. That's my opinion and I stand by it. I didn't tell her that she's going to jail or hell.

Do we really have a right to be rude and unkind? How does it help anything or anyone to slander another human being? I'm all for woman's rights, but I don't believe for one minute that women deserve more rights than anyone else.

This is not an issue of sexism...and my husband has been asked this same question ad infinitum.

ETA - I think you're right about one thing--the woman at the receiving end of Waterlily's remarks will probably think long and hard before she speaks to her again, if ever.

Michele
 
alright clare, wtf? pot meet kettle? you get upset with her for being degrading yet you may want to look at your own comments first. I think to make that kind of comment back to her is completely hypocritical.

you know, we all have knee jerk emotional responses and maybe, just MAYBE we all didn't know the entire context of the situation. I am a mom and I love it but some people don't period. there are all ends of the spectrum, folks. that's what makes the world go around. i think people slinging back and forth is just so hypocrytical. just try and understand that it is oftentimes hard to get the full perspective on an internet board. maybe ask for some clarity first before you pound someone into sand?

sorry folks. that's my .02 cents for the day.




"you miss 100% of the shots you never take"

Debbie
 
How many times is the table reversed here? How often
>do you see child-less or child-free individuals grilling
>others publically, with thinly veiled criticism, about "why
>exactly did you have children? Why would anyone make this
>decision? Is there something wrong with you?" As if there
>were only one, normative way to lead our lives and be a
>woman.
>

Wow, I've seen this just as often!! Ask any Catholic or Mormon with a boat load of kids.

Michele
 
Yup! My sister has 6 kids and people often comment or question her on it so no, it's not just the childless couples that get the questions! :)
 
WOW, Waterlilly, it sounds like you hit a lot of nerves with this. I am normally a lurker, however, i felt compelled to get in on this one.
not having kids is definitely taking the road less traveled, but should not indicate the importance of someone's life.

i once worked with this guy who asked me if i were going to have kids. i said no, and he proceeded to tell me that was a selfish choice to make, and that i should have children. after allowing him to isult me for about 5 minutes or so, i finally said, "i am not having kids because i had to have a hysterectomy because of cervical cancer". he felt like the biggest jacka!@#@ after that. i let him off the hook, but he will certainly think twice before making judgment calls like that again.

waterlilly, i don't think you should apologize for your comment. everyone is allowed to get frustrated, and I am sure everyone on this forum has lashed out at someone who happen to say the wrong thing at the wrong time before. just think customer service calls on defective products...

anyway, i snickered at your response, but then again, i am a bit of a smarta!@#@ myself soooo.
 
Wow Smartyjones,

That guy was a real jerk and deserved to be put in his place.

I was struck by how different your situation was compared to the one Waterlily described. She said someone in her carpool asked her about her and her husband having kids. She didn't mention any judgement calls made by the woman. I think you're comparing apples and oranges here.

Michele
 
"i once worked with this guy who asked me if i were going to have kids. i said no, and he proceeded to tell me that was a selfish choice to make, and that i should have children. after allowing him to isult me for about 5 minutes or so, i finally said, "i am not having kids because i had to have a hysterectomy because of cervical cancer". he felt like the biggest jacka!@#@ after that."

**************************

In this particular case, I'd say YES! Punch the guy out! He definately deserved a tongue lashing for that one! There ARE circumstances such as this where the person is just being plain old rude and nasty and DESERVES to be degraded, yelled at or whatever!
 
I debated with myself a long time before deciding to respond to this post.

I, like the poster above, have had many people insult me when they found out I had made the decision to not have children. I have been called selfish, childish, Fu**ed up etc. I have been told I will never be happy without children. I have been told I will go to hell. I have been told I am not a "real" woman. I have been told I am not fulfilling God's plan for me (how does that person know what God's plan is for me?)

I have been encouraged to get pregnant "with" people so we could be pregnant together. I have been told I will want a baby when I see "insert name here"'s baby.

I have to say, it gets very tiring. Now, I also don't believe getting angry and being insulting solves anything, but I certainly do understand how someone could just "blow."

The question never ends with my answer to the question "when are you going to have children" (think about it, it even implies you are expected to have children some day). But rather folks go on to pry and ask "why." Not because the genuinely want to learn about me, but because they think I am an oddity. This is simply from my experience.

Truly, I think that when people ask very personal questions, they really have to be ready for the response, because they never know what has happened to a person, or what the person's personal situation is.

Here is what I generally say now, after many years of trying to come up with something that pleases me. When folks say "Do you have children?" I say "No, I have spaniels." and I grin. I love my spaniels.
 
I think everyone is human and it is only human to get frustrated. However, after assessing the situation & acknowledging the frustration, maybe an apology would be in order. Unless things have changed, they will still carpool with these people. Clearing the air would make things more comfortable.

Just my .02.

Marla
 
THAT WAS MY POINT EARLIER. THAT PEOPLE ARE JUST RUDE ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT. I GET ARE YOU CATHOLIC WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, AND MY FAVORITE IS WELL SOMEONE IS IN HEAT. JUST OBNOXIOUS STUFF SO I CAN JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOUR SIS IS GOING THROUGH. I AM REALLY SUPRISED ABOUT WHAT A TOUCHY SUBJECT THIS IS. SOME PEOPLE WANT KIDS AND SOME DO NOT. IN MY CIRCLE PEOPLE LOOK DOWN ON ME BECAUSE I CHOSE TO BE A FULL TIME WIFE AND MOTHER. MY CHOSE. I LOVE MY HUBBY AND KIDS THAT WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED. PEOPLE MAKE ME FEEL BAD FOR THAT AND THAT IS WHY I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE MAKE OTHER PEOPLE FEEL BAD ABOUT THEIR LIFE CHOICES. IF YOU WANT TO BE A SLUT, NUN, MOTHER, NO MOTHERHOOD THAT IS YOUR CHOICE.
 
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