DH mad at me about baby question

W

waterlily

Cathlete
Hi guys,

Like many of you, I do not have children. At one point, DH and I were trying, but I now realize that we are really not prepared for it. Anyway, there is the God forbidden question that everyone asks. "When are you going to have a child?" It is so annoying. I have tried many comebacks(thanks to you guys on the forum), but people still persist.

Any way, someone in my carpool asked about my husband & I having kids. THis was not funny to me as this person isn't even a friend. So I retorted " How many sexual partners have you had, can you count that many men?" I figure that if she can ask me something so personal, I would do the same whether its true or not. Anyway, that shut her up (as well as the entire carpool) But DH is a bit peeved as he feels she didn't mean anything by it. How can I explain that I am sick and tires of being asked that stuuuuuuuuupid question?
 
I hate that question too, since DH and I don't plan to have children. It's really pretty rude to assume that ALL married couples are planning to have children, but I think a lot of people who ask aren't trying to be rude or intrusive - they're just trying to strike up conversation. I usually just say "Oh, we don't have any plans for kids in the near future." and leave it at that. I do like your response though. ;) I might use that one on particularly annoying people who pester me about having kids.
 
IMO I think it's a natural question to ask a married couple so I don't see the harm in it but if you don't wish to answer it is your perogative ofcourse. I, however, would have found a nicer way to get my point across though as I do not see the harm in the question in the first place...now if someone continues to ask that same question over and over again and you one day finally decide to give a "wise" answer back, THEN maybe I could understand.

Basically I am saying that I agree with your DH on this one. She probably DIDN'T mean any harm in asking therefore the response she got seems uncalled for...

JMO ofcourse. :)
 
Hi waterlily,

I'm going to get in trouble for this one but it is my honest opinion. I agree with your DH.

First, I understand your frustration. I've been there & have been asked that same question many times in the past (and after a miscarriage it is even harder to answer). Some people really don't understand and this was a good time to open up a discussion on this subject and inform people. Instead, you took all your frustration (that has been building up for a while) out on this person. You didn't just ask something personal, you went on to degrade her. You may have shut people up, but I think you would have done more for the cause if you educated people. You had a captive audience that could have learned something about this subject and it might have helped you to talk about it. Another option, you simply could have been direct; and told her that this was a personl question and off limits.

I understand that there are some people who won't let this subject go, but this dosen't sound like that happened in this case.

I think this was a missed opportunity,
jordan

ETA: I see others chimed in while I was replying, Whew! I guess I'm not alone.
 
Yeah, I think maybe you should apologize to your fellow carpooler. While I see your frustration with the question, your response was rude.

People are oftentimes bothered by this question, but if you are OK with your life and the choices you have made, why get annoyed??? Do you feel less than because you have chosen to remain childless?? I get annoyed when people with kids get so dramatic that their lives are somehow more worthwhile or tougher to live. THAT is annoying. But if they ask me about children, I usually just say "No way, not yet!!", you know, with that horrified look. Then they just figure you aren't ready yet and you don't have to go into WHY you choose to remain childless as if you have to convince them.

Maybe you should look at why this question seems to bother you so much.....hmmm??:)
 
>Maybe you should look at why this question seems to bother you
>so much.....hmmm??:)

I think this question bothers many childfree-by-choice people. Not because they are not comfortable with their life choices, but because they are often made to feel like lesser human beings by people who have children. When you have been criticized, called names, and insulted so many times (and this has happened to me MANY times), you start getting annoyed any time you are asked about it, no matter who is asking about it. It becomes a knee-jerk reaction. It certainly doesn't justify a rude response, but it does invoke some strong emotions. So I don't think there's any "deep meaning" to her being bothered by this question. :)
 
Many women CHOOSE not to have children, and some can not.

I, personally think it is a personal question. Really, it is a round about way of asking, is something wrong with you? Unless, you know the woman, and are close, you have no right to pry. Whatever choices she and her husband makes are their business and no one elses. And you do get annoyed when folks keep asking you, because let's keep it real here, they ask over and over and over again. How many times can you keep the fake smile on while answering it the upteenth time? And if you choose not to have a child, then the questions are why? How could you? And the list is endless.

Besides those women probably just want something to gossip about, as if one don't have enough going on in one's LIFE.....

Linda
 
How rude of some one to ask you a question like that.I agree in your frustration like you are not whole if you do not have a baby. I have four and it makes you a different person but that can go either way good or bad if you have no support. People have all kind of ways to make people feel bad and I guess this is another. My sister says she does not want kids b/c I have so many and she sees how much work it is. You can have a great and filling life with out kids.You just be you and bet she won't ask you any more.Your reaction is so strong b/c people who do not know you feel the need to ask. Kind of like why do you guys have 4 kids? People can be so simple.
 
I agree with your DH too, but I can certainly understand your frustration. I have never wanted children either and I get hounded from people who should mind their own business too. I also agree with Janice that somehow some people with kids, think they are better than childless by choice couples and jsut have to ask. I also think that some badger me about having kids, because they are jealous of my chosen lifestyle. I am free and they are not, and a few really give the impression that they want me to have kids so I can share the misery. NOw this isnt everyone of course, but I have run into this behavior on numerous occasions where I work. MOstly from PEDIATRICIANS with kids who work nearby. Go figure. Anyway, I used to get angry at the questions; now I laugh, walk away. It has worked better than any snotty answer I could think of in the past.
SUzanne
 
Well, I think that MOST people who ask the question don't mean to be rude or to pry; they just make assumptions about the way people are going to live their lives based on what they grew up with.

I also think some of the comments here are really interesting and borderline insulting to women who have had children - some of us actually do NOT find having children a misery. And we don't think our choices make us better people; they're just different choices. So if you want us to accept your choices, then you need to accept ours as well.

Just my .02.

Marie
 
I think you have every right to be annoyed when people ask THAT question, and I can understand why you are upset. The woman was rude and you are entitled to your feelings. I disagree strongly with the poster who said that it is a natural question. It is a very personal and complicated question that is nobody else's business!

However, I also think that your reply was a result of being asked by lots of different people. So, really you are making that one woman pay for a collection of rudeness, which (although she was wrong in asking) is a bit unfair on her. So, I can see you husband's point as well.

If asked again, I would recommend a polite but "to the point" reply. Perhaps, "I don't get into personal discussions outside of my marriage". Maybe others have a better reply?

Anyway, I feel for you on this one.

ETA: I just read the laugh and walk away response - I like that!
 
Is it really that stupid? Childless by choice is a minority so people assume that most couples have that planned along the way. Why not just answer that you don't intend to have any and leave it at that? Although I don't ask anyone about future plans for kids, I often ask if they have kids since I do and all paths in my life seem to head right back to them. You might enlighten someone about the life choice you have made and show them another way. When I was young I could never decide if I wanted none or 4 but I was sure it was that and it turned out we had two and meant to keep it at two (girls) until this pesky boy child unexpectedly ;) came along. That was adjustment and now I have 3 and am most happy. I don't think people intend to annoy with such questions. I don't get upset if I'm asked if I'm married and have kids. Sometimes I fell like that's all I am! I don't think I would be upset by such questions if I had chosen to have none although I can see how you would get tired of answering the question over and over. :) Still, these questions are simple curiosity and since your answer is perhaps unexpected and even unusual, you are giving the people who are curious about their fellow human's life plans, a new perspective.
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"

Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
 
>Well, I think that MOST people who ask the question don't
>mean to be rude or to pry; they just make assumptions about
>the way people are going to live their lives based on what
>they grew up with.
>
>I also think some of the comments here are really interesting
>and borderline insulting to women who have had children - some
>of us actually do NOT find having children a misery. And we
>don't think our choices make us better people; they're just
>different choices. So if you want us to accept your choices,
>then you need to accept ours as well.
>
>Just my .02.
>
>Marie
>

I COMPLETELY agree, Marie! Great points! Bravo! :+
 
>I also think some of the comments here are really interesting
>and borderline insulting to women who have had children - some
>of us actually do NOT find having children a misery. And we
>don't think our choices make us better people; they're just
>different choices. So if you want us to accept your choices,
>then you need to accept ours as well.

Marie, no one is trying to insult parents as a general group. The fact is, I've run across some parents who DO think they are better people than those who don't have children, and don't hesitate to say so. They have been condescending and insulting to me, and have said outright that they don't think a person is complete or "adult" until they have children. These are the people we're talking about here - not ALL parents. There are a lot of parents out there who are humble and kind and understanding. I don't have any problems with them at all - in fact, some of my dearest friends fall into this category. It's the holier-than-thou parents who are frustrating to us because they refuse to accept our choices, even though we accept theirs.
 
I still do not understand what the big deal is...but again, if she didn't want to answer it, that's fine. She just could have been more polite about it. I seriously doubt MOST people are trying to be rude therefore there is no reason to be rude in return...

I have a child and have always wanted to be a mom. Regardless though, if I were to ask someone when/if they were having kids it would NEVER be with the intent to degrade them if they decided they did not want kids! Therefore, if I were met with a snotty or rude answer back it would make me think badly of the person for the WAY they answer the question, not because they may not want children! It's a personal choice and it's everyone's right to make the decision that suits them and there is nothing wrong with you if you decide NOT to have kids. Just like there is nothing wrong with those of us that have or want them either.

If you are comfortable with your decision, no matter what it might be, I see no reason to get so defensive when a question is asked...not that you have to answer, but you do NOT have to be rude about it!

ETA: Bobbi, you have such a way with words! I love reading your posts and agree with you 100% on this subject, as I usually do on most subjects!:)
 
I know a woman who hates it when people ask about when someone will have children. She had several miscarriages before she was finally able to deliver a healthy baby and people were constantly asking her, "so, when are you and DH going to start having kids, huh? don't you think you waited long enough?" Noone was trying to be rude and the people who asked didn't know about the problems she was having, but it broke her heart each time someone asked her, so she never asks anyone else because you never know if someone is going through the same thing. If they are, she doesn't want to make them feel worse.

Missy
 
Emily, I appreciate your response and wasn't referencing your post. I am really sorry that has been your experience, as I personally can't imagine insulting someone for the simple fact of making a choice that is different from the one I've made. But then I suppose not everyone in the world is tolerant. On the flip side, though, you have to admit some of the comments about children = misery do indicate a holier-than-thou attitude on the childless side. So it's the same situation, only the other side of the coin. My point was, if people want to have their choices tolerated, the way to do it is not to insult people who have made the other choice.

In a more general sense, I guess it is amazing the things people feel free to ask about. Someone asked me last week how much money I make and I nearly fell off my chair. My parents don't even know how much money I make! I thought that was a prying question, but I didn't think I had to answer it rudely to make a point of the person's cluelessness. My SO has no problem telling people how much money he makes (which drives me crazy!), so it's really a matter of perspective as to what is private vs. what is not.

Marie
 
Somebody once told me that they asked the baby question to a couple, and it turned out that they had had numerous miscarriages. He said that he would never ask that question again!

The problem with asking someone you hardly know a personal question (not just the baby question) is that you you've no idea whether it will upset them for some reason.

I understand that people aren't actually meaning to be rude though. The poster above who mentioned educating people has a good point.

......."If you are comfortable with your decision, no matter what it might be, I see no reason to get so defensive when a question is asked...not that you have to answer, but you do NOT have to be rude about it!"........

One problem with this is that not all childless couples are childless by choice. And even if they are I can understand it getting annoying having to discuss it with strangers.
 
You didn't just ask something
>personal, you went on to degrade her.

I agree. Asking "How many sexual partners have you had," in a playful tone, would have gotten the point accross. Adding the stuff about losing count is tacky and insulting. No wonder everyone else shut up! They were probably shocked by that reaction from you.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top