devestated

K

kariev

Cathlete
so my whole family and my husbands family dislike my brothers fiance' (now wife) i don't have time to go into details but lets just say she's very manipulative and has phased my brother out of our families life completely. so i just found out today they got married! they didn't invite anyone (this is my brothers first marriage but her third). My feelings are so hurt because my brother was the one who walked me down the isle for my wedding and was such a huge part of my wedding. No matter how hurt i am he's my only big brother i'm going to get but i'm having such a hard time faking being happy for him. its causing a lot of stress between my husband and i because his view is i should just cut him out of my life b/c its obvious he doesn't care but i just can't do that. my husband is very hurt as well watching me be sad and how hurt i am; not to mention at one time they (my brother and my husband) were really close that is is up until she came into his life. i just needed to vent a bit. i have been crying all day and feel like i have no one to talk to:(
 
I can't personally say I know how you feel Karie but one of my aunt's does. She was very close with both of her sons until a certain manipulative b*tch started dating one of my cousins-my aunt's older son. They ended up getting married, having kids, etc. The tension was always there but then one day it all blew up and ended in a huge fight between my aunt and uncle and my cousin and his wife. The end result was my cousin refusing to speak to or see his mom and step dad. It's been well over a year now since they've been on speaking terms. I feel sooo bad for my aunt and uncle and even worse for my cousin's kids who are not able to see their grandparents because of their parents stupidity! :(:(:(:(

All I can do is send hugs your way and hopefully your brother will come around...I don't understand why some guys fall victim to women like that but they do. It's so sad. I hope it doesn't last....
 
Fit_mommy said:
All I can do is send hugs your way and hopefully your brother will come around...I don't understand why some guys fall victim to women like that but they do. It's so sad. I hope it doesn't last....
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Well said and DITTO! Sending more (((((((hugs))))))) Karie...
 
kariev said:
so my whole family and my husbands family dislike my brothers fiance' (now wife) i don't have time to go into details but lets just say she's very manipulative and has phased my brother out of our families life completely. so i just found out today they got married! they didn't invite anyone (this is my brothers first marriage but her third). My feelings are so hurt because my brother was the one who walked me down the isle for my wedding and was such a huge part of my wedding. No matter how hurt i am he's my only big brother i'm going to get but i'm having such a hard time faking being happy for him. its causing a lot of stress between my husband and i because his view is i should just cut him out of my life b/c its obvious he doesn't care but i just can't do that. my husband is very hurt as well watching me be sad and how hurt i am; not to mention at one time they (my brother and my husband) were really close that is is up until she came into his life. i just needed to vent a bit. i have been crying all day and feel like i have no one to talk to:(
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To play devil's advocate, perhaps your brother felt that your family should have supported him in his choice for a wife and perhaps he felt marginalized by your family's lack of acceptance of the woman that he loves. When we get married, our spouse is supposed to be our primary focus, not our family of origin. It doesn't matter if the family loves her, if they love your brother they should have sucked it up and faked it for his sake. Sorry to sound so cruel, given you're obviously devastated at how it turned out. I hope it does work out. Maybe if you open up communication with your brother you can salvage the relationship.
 
thanks guys for all the hugs. it was a rough night last night but its over and done with. the thing is, yes nobody in the family cares for her but we have NEVER said that to him or her and we have ALWAYS been more then nice to her. i know that ones spouse is supposed to be #1 but i consider my brother and I best friends and just wish i would have known.
 
Morningstar makes a really excellent point. Maybe they felt that nobody acecepted her, and didn't want their big day to be spolied by grumbles and long faces from the family. It's too late now to change things, so I would suppport your brother, and let him know he has your unconditional love.

You say she's phased your brother away from everyone....well, fight back, with kindness. Put your feelings aside about her, put aside your feelings of hurt, and just show acceptance of her and their marriage.

Cutting your brother out of your life would be the worst possble thing imaginable. First it's cruel and over the top. He didn't commit a crime, he married a woman he loved. Second, if she really wants to isolate him from the families, well, don't give her any ammo. What if she really is evil, and told him, "I bet your family cuts you off if you marry me." Well, don't make her right!

If things go bad with their marriage, he's going to need you. You don't want him to be in the position of having no one to talk to.
 
I completely agree with Govtgirl. I have two older sisters and 1 younger brother. All of them have made decisions that I would never agree with but I just put it aside and made it clear to them that I love them and just want them to be happy. If this woman is as bad as you say she is - your brother needs you more than ever whether he realizes it or not.

I would do whatever you can to stay in his life and not force the issue with his wife and being left out of the wedding. It could push him away even more.

My younger brother married the wrong woman and I was devastated. He did invite us to the wedding and I was kind and supportive. Three months later, he called to say he was getting divorced - :) And he called ME first for someone to talk to.
 
I agree with Govgirl too. You can only do the best you can with the circumstances you are given. There is no sense in getting upset over stuff you have no control over. Congratulate them with a gift or a card and tell them you wish you could have been there.

Be the better person here and in the end at least you can say you tried to be there for him.
 
I agree with Morningstar and Govtgirl here too. I'm sure that your brother loves you and doesn't want to hurt you. I know it's a tense situation and it's hard not to react to others' "mistakes" by blaming or distancing, but if you try to stay focused on your own role and not on what you want from others and let your love for your brother guide you, you will find your way. You are the only part of the equation that you can control, and keeping your heart, mind, and eyes open will keep you grounded and sane. Good luck!
 
Just to give perhaps another perspective on the matter, I'll share my feelings about weddings.

I love my family dearly, more than anything, and talk to my parents every single day. My SO's family is fine. We all get along great. But if we were to get married, it would happen without anybody knowing or attending until AFTER. Why? I hate weddings. I hate the drama that surrounds them. I hate that they become all about everybody else and not about the people getting married. Even more, I can't stand that it becomes about the party and not the union. I have no desire at all for a shower, reception, or being the center of attention during a ceremony. And the money that goes into it?? NO WAY! I don't care if it's my money or my parents' money.

Perhaps you and your family are making this personal when it shouldn't be at all. Simply because weddings are traditionally big celebrations does not mean everybody has to do it that way. Perhaps it felt fun and naughty to be secretive about it until later. The woman your brother married may not be great, but chances are good that this is not something you guys should be so upset about. Because if they DID indeed get married alone because they knew that your family would be sour about it, then by behaving this way you are only reinforcing what they felt. Rather than being bitter, you should go out of your way to congratulate them and be (or pretend to be) happy for them. If his relationship with his new wife is unstable, then you should make sure his relationship with you is as solid as ever.
 
Thanks ladies for all the advice and support. You all are right. Whats done is done and i would never cut my brother out of my life because of this b/c its not going to change anything. The only thing i can change is how i react to it. My reaction has been bad and its causing stress between my husband and i. Totally not worth it. I'm just going to focus on my life and just hope that it all works out. Thanks again. its nice to know i can come here for support:)
 
Kariev - My nephew just did this to our family this year. And there wasn't even any animosity between us and his girlfriend/now wife cuz' we all loved her. They were secretly married in February and we didn't even find out about it until the middle of the summer. This isn't some distant relation either. We live 30 minutes apart and work in the same town. His mother was devistated when she found out. We still don't reallly know why they did it, but they did end up having a little reception a few months ago and we treated that like the wedding. I do understand what you're going through. It's so hard not to take personally, but it really has nothing to do with us.
 
Kariev,

My hubby and I eloped 28 years ago. We loved each other so much we really weren't thinking of other people. I know that sounds selfish,but that is the truth. Friends and family all placed bets our marriage wouldn't last a year.:p
 
I'm not big into weddings either. My ex-husband's family were really obnoxious to us about our decision to get married in a cornfield in the country with only a couple of people there. His sisters both had big weddings that became circus-like and brought out the worst in everybody due to the stress of the planning, etc. We just didn't want that. We felt it was about us and the marriage itself, not the ceremony. When we broke up 15 years later, it certainly wasn't due to not having a wedding that included our families. When I remarried, it was on a sailboat in the Gulf of Mexico with only the crew and a golden retriever, and that also was what we wanted. I do understand that you wanted to be a part of your brother's wedding and I'm sorry that it didn't work out that way, but it really is their choice.

That said, if your new sister-in-law is really manipulative and keeping your brother away from your family, it will come back on her and your brother will need your love and support when that happens.
 
fit44 said:
Kariev,

My hubby and I eloped 28 years ago. We loved each other so much we really weren't thinking of other people. I know that sounds selfish,but that is the truth. Friends and family all placed bets our marriage wouldn't last a year.:p
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Yikes! Cynthia me too, . . .only it was 10 years ago and I'm still madly in love.
 
I thought I'd chime in with my 2 cents. My husband is an identical twin. They are best friends and talk to each other every day (they live an hour apart). We did not find out until after the fact that he had gotten married, which was a shocker! They just didn't want a big deal made of it. And to be honest, if I had to marry my husband all over again, I would elope somewhere. Weddings are just too stressful, even small ones!

Stay close with your brother and be supportive. If she makes him happy, be happy for him.
 
My mom was so upset that I was moving away and getting married, she had a complete breakdown and made ridiculous accusations about him, tried build a case that I was an incompetent mother to my daughter, and really made what should have been a happy event a nightmare. We ended up having a very small wedding, which she was not invited to, and I didn't speak with her for 4 years.
 
My parents eloped and spent 50 wonderful years together. Maybe they didn't want to spend the $, IMO weddings can get out of control $-wise. DH and I have been maried 20 years. Our wedding cost under $2,000.00(including food) My mom made my dress for $150.00 and all five bridesmaids dresses were made for $20/each. I got some flack about having an in-expensive wedding. Maybe they were trying to save $. I agree w/ treating them with kindness. My brother married an un-stable women a few yeas ago. None of us really liked her, she was a flake(putting it NICELY!!!!!!!!!) But my brother did choose to marry her and we "put up with it". They did divorce after 6 years:) If it's meant to be it is meant to be, if not, a life lesson learned. You need to do what you feel in your heart, it seems you don't want to shut your brother out, do what you feel is best. Good luck:)
 
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