Devastated over my breakup

Jasmin416

Jasmin416

Cathlete
My boyfriend found out I had a drink with a guy friend of mine (who I used to date briefly) twice in the last 3 months. It was a platonic meeting and I didn't tell my bf because WE hadn't discussed being exclusive yet and I didn't want to create any drama. On the way back from our trip together to Mexico my bf sprung that he knew about my meeting this guy and said that I lied to him and I couldn't be trusted. I explained myself and that it was a platonic meetup and I didn't want to upset him. How did he know about these 2 meetings? Apparently he was going through my phone reading my text messages periodically over the last few months we'd been dating. When I said I couldn't believe he violated my privacy my bf told me not to even try to use that as an excuse. When I said that we hadn't even discussed being exclusive yet he told me not to even think of using that as an excuse either. Long story short he broke up with me saying I broke all the trust we had and I could not be trusted. I feel bad that I hurt him by meeting up with the other guy and not mentioning it but on the other hand my bf was rooting through my phone periodically checking up on me.

He kept this information to himself for months and used it to end things ON THE PLANE ride home from Mexico after an awesome trip. I was stuck in a seat crying on the way home. This all started because I joked around over some pictures I found in his camera of him with another girl (while we were not together).

I guess he did me a favor but I'm still extremely upset over how this whole thing happened. What do you think?
 
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Wow, he doesn't sound very caring or understanding to me. I realize you must care about him a great deal to go on a trip out of the country with him, but he completely violated your trust by going through your text messages. And his response to your explanations (don't try to use that as an excuse) is completely out of line. If you hadn't had the discussion to be exclusive, he had no right to expect that of you. Not that you did anything wrong, but he's just way out of line here.

Don't get me wrong, I know how painful break ups are (my husband and I have recently separated), but I don't think this guy had the qualities you need in a partner. Just my opinion, by the way.

anne
 
I'd say good ridance if he was checking up on you by reading your messages.

(On the other hand, you say you found photos of him and another woman on his cell phone, so it sounds like the 'checking up' goes both ways).
 
Hi Jasmin - wow, sorry to hear that but I think you are right - he did you a favor. To me, it sounds like he wanted an excuse to do it, or else he is so insecure that he can't handle you having a life. Either way, it was downright mean to do it on the plane ride home. Well, at least he didn't do it as soon as you got to Mexico. After your past history with this guy, this may be for the best. He sounds sneaky, cruel, and insecure. Go back out with the other guy that you are still friends with and have fun...no worries about somebody looking over your shoulder. Still, hugs to you - I know no matter the circumstances, it still hurts but don't allow guilt on your part to enter the picture. From what you have said, you did nothing wrong.
 
As someone who was once cheated on and then told "we never said we were going to be exclusive" I tend to not like that particular sentiment, no offense. :) BUT, if he had issues he definitely should have come to you and shared his concerns, rather than running around playing deceptive games and trying to trap you.

Of course knowing that someone is a ding-dong doesn't make the pain go away. Hugs to you. Take care of yourself right now.

Sparrow
 
Actually the pic I found of him were from his camera while I was looking at all the pictures we took of our trip. Typo on my part.
 
Jasmin - I dated a guy many years ago who did similar things (read my mail, listened in on phone calls, etc). It was a HORRIBLE and STRESSFUL relationship!!

ITA with others that he did you a favor. Good riddance for you!

BTW - Was this the guy who smacked the kitten?
 
Men who are that insecure and untrusting are usually that way because they, themselves, have something to hide. It's a classic sign of a cheater. Chances are, if you had continued your relationship with him, not only would he have become more suspicious and controlling, you would've soon learned about the girls he was seeing "on the side". He's a jerk, and you're better off without him. You did nothing wrong, don't blame yourself for this.
 
Jasmin416 said:
My boyfriend found out I had a drink with a guy friend of mine (who I used to date briefly) twice in the last 3 months. It was a platonic meeting and I didn't tell my bf because WE hadn't discussed being exclusive yet and I didn't want to create any drama. On the way back from our trip together to Mexico my bf sprung that he knew about my meeting this guy and said that I lied to him and I couldn't be trusted. I explained myself and that it was a platonic meetup and I didn't want to upset him. How did he know about these 2 meetings? Apparently he was going through my phone reading my text messages periodically over the last few months we'd been dating. When I said I couldn't believe he violated my privacy my bf told me not to even try to use that as an excuse. When I said that we hadn't even discussed being exclusive yet he told me not to even think of using that as an excuse either. Long story short he broke up with me saying I broke all the trust we had and I could not be trusted. I feel bad that I hurt him by meeting up with the other guy and not mentioning it but on the other hand my bf was rooting through my phone periodically checking up on me.

He kept this information to himself for months and used it to end things ON THE PLANE ride home from Mexico after an awesome trip. I was stuck in a seat crying on the way home. This all started because I joked around over some pictures I found in his camera of him with another girl (while we were not together).

I guess he did me a favor but I'm still extremely upset over how this whole thing happened. What do you think?
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I am sorry to hear you are going through this whole ordeal.

What is with the breaking up after a trip?? Your are the third person I have heard this happening to in the last year??

I think he was insecure to begin with - even if he would have excepted your reasoning he would always have been snooping. Almost like he wanted to catch you kind of thing. Does that make sense.

Keep working out - THERAPY!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Thanks all...I've been beating myself up over this today. Same guy with the smacking of the kitty...yes. This relationship has been too much drama. It still hurts though.
 
Well, there's a lot here that makes me think you were reading too much into your relationship with him. First, you were checking his phone (As a joke? Come on, now...). Second, you find out he's checking your cell phone for evidence. Why? Insecurity? Looking for the perfect excuse to head for the exit because he has a feeling the two of you aren't in in for the long run? Maybe a little of both? How long did he plan to wait before springing all this on you, had you not brought up his checking your cell phone? I mean, what was he going to do? Sit there and seethe, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike? But that's exactly what he did. On a plane ride back from Mexico, with people all around, trapped in the air, belted to a chair. You couldn't go anywhere so you just had to sit there and take it. Doesn't get much dirtier than that. But here's the thing: If you're tight enough to plan a vacation together in a foreign country, to my mind, exclusivity is IMPLIED. You should have asked him if he'd be bothered if you met with an ex for drinks. But, given he's childish, insecure behavior of late, you shouldn't have been surprised if he ended your relationship as soon as the ex was mentioned. In the end, HE has a lot of growing up to do and it's better you found out now, rather than after years of a torturous marriage. And you probably need to learn to trust a little more in whatever results when you're honest with a partner. We've all been there so I know none of this helps much now, while you're hurting. Heartbreak. They certainly named it right. Hang in, honey.

(Okay, I read your second post where you accidentally stumbled onto pictures of his ex. He's still hanging onto pictures of his ex, knows you're going to see them while flipping through vacation photos... You're lucky he's gone.)
 
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Jasmin- I'm so sorry to hear of your breakup...even though you try and tell yourself it's for the best, it still hurts anyways!! I know the feeling...trust me....

A guy I was seeing ( and really starting to care about) split with me suddenly and unexpectedly (to go back to his ex-wife) two weeks ago. He made me believe over the months that he felt the same way about me...when really I was just a fill-in, or a rebound, or whatever I was...... I was so devasted ( still am). Better yet, he told me over email....
But now that I've done some homework, I've found out some things that make me thank my lucky stars.....I'm trying to look at this like he did me a favor, BUT it still hurts!! Why is this?? Who knowsssss......... but like Baylian said....keep working out!! I've noticed my workouts aren't so great lately....but I'll keep pluggin away...one day at a time.

 
SirenSongWoman said:
But here's the thing: If you're tight enough to plan a vacation together in a foreign country, to my mind, exclusivity is IMPLIED.
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When I read your post, this is exactly what went through my mind. I don't think I ever actually sat down with DH while dating and discussed exclusivity, it was just implied.

I know you are not married but just wanted to state that if my DH (boyfriend back then) looked at my phone, it was no big deal to me and if I looked at his, it was no big deal to him. I think because we have that trust/freedom to look at the other's, we don't. I have nothing to hide, so it really is no big deal.

Based on what I read, there seems to be trust issues and it may be a good thing to have it ended now rather then years down the road.

I really don't think the way it happened, on the plane was really appropriate. What a way to ruin a good trip. I hope you get over it and keep strong during this hard time.
 
you definitely have to allow yourself to be heartbroken and deal with those feelings before you move one, but dont let it pull you down for long.

the thing with the kitten was the first HUGE red flag...this guy is incredibly insecure, and could become one of those jealous, controlling guys that you see tv shows about. you are definitely lucky not to have find out if it all turns out that way. i do have to say that not telling him about the drink was a bit of a mistake on your part. by telling him, his reaction to the news could have alerted you to who he truly is.

but, the pain is still very real, so allow yourself that pain and know you deserve much more than he could ever offer you.
 
skimi said:
you definitely have to allow yourself to be heartbroken and deal with those feelings before you move one, but dont let it pull you down for long.

the thing with the kitten was the first HUGE red flag...this guy is incredibly insecure, and could become one of those jealous, controlling guys that you see tv shows about. you are definitely lucky not to have find out if it all turns out that way. i do have to say that not telling him about the drink was a bit of a mistake on your part. by telling him, his reaction to the news could have alerted you to who he truly is.

but, the pain is still very real, so allow yourself that pain and know you deserve much more than he could ever offer you.
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Whoa! This is THAT GUY? The one we all warned you about before?!
 
SirenSongWoman said:
Whoa! This is THAT GUY? The one we all warned you about before?!
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Sounds like it.

I'm sorry you're going through this and hope it doesn't last too long. No doubt there's another great guy right around the corner.

Sidenote regarding exclusivity: I'm one of those All-Cards-On-The-Table people. Every guy I dated knew we weren't exclusive unless it was officially decided by the two of us because...well, I ironed that out right in the beginning. I imply nothing.

But I was also totally up front about everything. If I went out with someone else, be it a platonic friendship or otherwise, I didn't hide it.

I don't know if that approach would work for you, but you could try it in the future. Some guys were totally surprised by my attitude, but most went along with it. Only one put his foot down and refused, insisting on an exclusive dating relationship immediately, and that was the one I ended up marrying. :D

Hang in there! <3
 
I am so sorry you are hurting. Hugs to you!

You could have done better to be open about the fact that you were meeting an old friend. Hiding anything like that implies lack of trust and understanding. If you could not expect understanding over the meeting, then that should have been a red flag about your ex's maturity level.

He definitely should not have read your phone, or held the info until the trip, or skewered you with the info on the plane, or had pics of another woman on his phone.

I hope that you stop hurting so much soon,
 
Sounds to me like he was just looking for a way to end it and make it all your fault. I'm sorry you are hurting, but now you can find a real man who won't manipulate things to make you the bad guy.
 
I think you totally dodged a bullet and will be glad the relationship didnt continue once the initial hurt passes. There are too many reg flags - HE WENT THROUGH YOUR PHONE!!! and then he tries to make YOU the bad one - to ease his conscience - it is SO classic... UGH!!!

I have been on the dating scene for many years now - another ugh - but there are too many things going on that just dont add up to a quality long term relationship...
 
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