Daughter moved out :(

R

Reese777

Cathlete
Hi,

My daughter moved out yesterday. She JUST turned 18 in October, doesn't have a drivers license, a highschool diploma, no job, not even a GED. She's hooked up with some loser guy that's not even 18 yet and his trashy mother is letting them live with her while they ruin their lives. She doesn't know I have access to her email and myspace page (flame me if you want for snooping, but I stopped trusting her a long time ago) and she's telling everyone I kicked her out and I didn't. I tried to get her to go to the doctor for birth control and she refused to go so I told her she had some decisions to make because I wasn't footing the bill for her while she lounges around, does nothing to help around the house, and screws her boyfriend on the weekends, risking getting pregnant (which in my luck she'd have effn triplets or something). So, she said she was moving out and wanted to move her stuff. So I said, fine. By the time I got home from work, she had taken stuff out, but I made her walk back to my house (which is not a short walk) and give me the house keys and get the rest of her things. Today we're loading her bedroom furniture up for Goodwill. Later yesterday I threw a ton of stuff away. Then I took salvageable things like dolls and stuffed animals to my sister who has 3 young kids. She started lecturing me about letting her come home if the sugar turns to sh*t (which, ahem, IT WILL) and I said no. My sister has 3 kids but they're all under the age of 8! She has no CLUE what I've been through with her. We have literally done everything we can to help her finish school, etc and she's thrown it back in our face. What's worse is, today I found out she wrote her biological father about us - acting like we kicked her out. She ended her email with "I love you daddy" and he GAVE HER UP WHEN SHE WAS 9 YEARS OLD. Last year at Thanksgiving he ganged up on her with a friend and cussed her for messing up her life. Now he's her "bud" because he can't stand me and will validate her.

I have so many emotions right now it's ridiculous. I don't know for sure if I'm making the right choices for her, or me and then I have to battle people telling me I'm wrong, etc. I'm sick of it! I'm determined to make sure she follows through with stuff though and owns this . She has never done anything for herself - she's just fought my husband and I in our efforts to help her. I'm tired!

I'm also sad because part of me is truly ELATED that she's gone because there won't be any fighting!

:(
 
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Wow!
Sounds like you're burning bridges.
What you may have done in the heat of anger (getting rid of all the things she left), may be something you regret later.
 
hang in there...

and stick to your guns! My sister did the same thing 15 years ago, and is still struggling to make ends meet, get hooked up with anything but a loser boyfriend, can't keep a job, but has NOT had any kids... THANK GOD!

I feel your pain and if I have learned anything from my own personal experience, is that you can be there to give moral and emotional support, but I should have cut off the financial support LONG ago! Sister still makes my mother feel very guilty about the whole situation, as she left her father when she was just 12 years old, and thinks that it was this that screwed up her life... my mom still feels bad, and it makes me so mad...

Anyway, not much to say by way of advice, but ((hugs)) to you and what you are going through right now. I don't have kids myself, so will never know exactly what you are going through, but emotional trauma with family is never easy! Hope time will heal the rift and she will soon come around.


take care!
 
<She JUST turned 18 in October, doesn't have a drivers license, a highschool diploma, no job, not even a GED. She's hooked up with some loser guy that's not even 18 yet and his trashy mother is letting them live with her while they ruin their lives.>

She has chosen a very difficult life indeed. I say that out of experience.
This actually sounds a lot like me. I dropped out of HS at 15 and hooked up with a loser guy which I dropped then hooked up with another loser guy, then dropped, then married another loser guy and was married to him for 17 years, then I got smart and divorced him and married a wonderful guy, smart, very disiplined, college grad. I'm very proud of him. But I wasted my life. Fortunately I did get a GED but it is not the same. Eventually I did get a good job but not without years of struggling. BUT if my job falls through I have nothing to fall back on.
If I had it to do over again I would have stayed in HS at least and maybe gone to college. I think I would have had much more confidance in myself if I had at least stayed in HS.

So sorry to hear you are going through this.
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(((HUGS))) I have no advice as my children are still small. I know you are going through a very rough time. I don't think you did anything wrong, you've tried so hard. I would try to welcome her back whenever she learned her lesson -- of course, with attachments -- finishing school, getting a job, etc.
 
More ((hugs)) from me. The mother-child relationship is so complicated, and it only gets more so as the child becomes an adult.

Listen, you've done everything you can to help her. Eventually, as parents, we have to just let them go, and allow them to make their own way ~ mistakes included. We still love them, but we can't live their lives for them.

Things change, and in time your relationship may improve. Hang in there and stick to your guns until then. I know...it's hard. <3
 
kathryn said:
Wow!
Sounds like you're burning bridges.
What you may have done in the heat of anger (getting rid of all the things she left), may be something you regret later.
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This is EXACTLY the kind of thing other people keep telling me. It typically comes from people that have NO CLUE what we've been through.
 
hugs! i'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this especially during the holidays. I think you made the right decision. I think there is less tough love out there and nowadays i think our children need it. i know it wasn't an easy decision but it was time to say enough is enough. enabling that type of behavior will just make everyones life worse. hopefully she will land on her feet but she has to learn and unfortunately its going to have to be the hard way.
 
I went through a similar situation with my DS. We did not get rid of all his stuff, we bagged alot of it up and he picked it up after we kicked him out. However, it has been almost 3 years and he won't even talk to us. We have tried but he will not even be receptive. Now, I am not happy about the circumstances that surrounded his leaving, but the reasons behind it were very necessary, and I have no regrets about it. My DH and I had to play the tough love card, and we had told him if he pushed us with his behaviors that he would be forced to leave. His younger brother misses him immensely and for that I feel terrible, but I do not regret what I had to do.
Stay strong, and stick to your principles. People today are so prone to taking the path of least resistance, but what kind of character exists with that?
I hope someday to reconnect with my DS, but until then I suspect he has alot of growing up to do.
 
Conni said:
I went through a similar situation with my DS. We did not get rid of all his stuff, we bagged alot of it up and he picked it up after we kicked him out. However, it has been almost 3 years and he won't even talk to us. We have tried but he will not even be receptive. Now, I am not happy about the circumstances that surrounded his leaving, but the reasons behind it were very necessary, and I have no regrets about it. My DH and I had to play the tough love card, and we had told him if he pushed us with his behaviors that he would be forced to leave. His younger brother misses him immensely and for that I feel terrible, but I do not regret what I had to do.
Stay strong, and stick to your principles. People today are so prone to taking the path of least resistance, but what kind of character exists with that?
I hope someday to reconnect with my DS, but until then I suspect he has alot of growing up to do.
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Thank you for sharing your story. I struggle with not knowing where this will go, but I'm hoping she will hit rock bottom, grow up and possibly join the Air Force. I think a tour in the service will help her in many ways. Right now she's not interested in the service, and admitted she deliberately failed her ASVAB exam for that reason. But life circumstances have a way of changing your mindset on things. I know this from experience. I made it clear to her that she could stay with us if she followed the house rules, and that if she left, her things would be given/thrown out, so its not like she was surprised by things. What's more painful is, she had the nerve to email my husband and asking how we would handle the holidays (meaning, "what are you getting me for Christmas?"). She's got a lot to learn...
 
Reese777 said:
This is EXACTLY the kind of thing other people keep telling me. It typically comes from people that have NO CLUE what we've been through.
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Honestly, in Kathryn's defense (not that she needs defending---she can certainly do it herself!!!) if you post your experience on a message board you are going to get people's opinions, whether you agree or not. I don't see anything in your post that says "I'm just venting, please listen, I'm having a rough time with this and only need support, not comments about what I've done" then maybe, and I mean MAYBE there wouldn't be any disagreement with your choices. There are no guarantees that everyone will agree on this board as we've seen many many MANY times. No one here can EVER know the full story of what is going on with anyone else here or IRL for that matter.

I do have sympathy for your situation. My step daughter made some really bad choices at 18 and appears now 5 years later to be slowly (by nano inches) to be headed in a better direction, dumping loser boyfriend and getting a more stable job. Our situation was never as bad as what you describe and I'm sure it's frustrating. Sometimes what we choose to do IS the best thing at the time. My best wishes for you and your family.
 
Support to you

You have done what you felt was right, no one should judge you, no one has lived through what you have. I put my mom through a similar situation, but I used the military to leave when I was 17. It did make me grow up :) and I'm much better for it, I finished college and have been married to a wonderful guy for 15 years. And while my mom and I have never been 'buddies', we do talk to each other now..It was hard to approach her at first...

Many hugs and prayers for you both ...
 
Sending hugs your way and hope all turns out for the best.

Another who had (still have) a head strong DD who is now 19 1/2. She left my house due to DH (her step) not allowing her BF in the house. Ended up going to live with her dad )a total loser which even she admits) and thankfully finished HS in a day program, but at least she graduated.

Went to live with BF for a while until that didn't work. She did have a min. wage job but didn't really help with her living expenses. That fell through and she ended up living with a few friends in a major league "dump". Went through a few more BF's and then another halfway decent place but in a bad part of town.

FINALLY, when she was losing that place I mentioned again that she will never have enough $ for even a security deposit or if her car breaks down if she continues to work a min. wage job and doesn't find a career. We are now working on getting her into college to become an RN.

My thoughts:

I have helped her with $ a few times but not with much and definitely will not support her. I will help with college because I feel as parents we need to send them in the right direction. Had she been in a HORRIBLE situation I would help if I could.

We have also given many years to them teaching them good morals and giving them wisdom and at some point they make choices they must live with. We have all done the same. Our job is to raise them to be adults and from there they make their own choices.

As a parent I will do my best to continue to guide my children but they will make their choices and have to live with them. I will always be there for them, but that doesn't mean I will support them financially.

Most end up turning around, but then there are many adults out there that don't do a very good job of being responsible.

You must continue to do what you feel is right and from your post, it seems you have made some tough decisions. Until they are out there on their own (which living with BF's mom doesn't quite qualify) they have no clue. BUT, my DD learned fast and has mentioned it many times. We love each other but our relationship didn't work well when I had to discipline.

Hopefully you will keep in contact and not turn away - continue to try and be the mother to an adult (which is what she has chosen). Don't lose hope. It will take time but she will most likely eventually catch on and hopefully you will be there to be her friend and give her some of your wisdom. Wisdom comes only from experience but at their age they don't quite understand that yet.

Best of luck and I TOTALLY understand.
 
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I'm sincerely sorry you're going through this. We went through something sort of similar with my step-son. Against my very loud protests - DH was continually there for his son. I was brought up that kids should shape up or ship out. That they have to reach rock bottom, or they will never learn. Well DSS did reach rock bottom, but DH was there to help him up (now, don't get me wrong - DSS has had to pay the piper, this was not a free ride). DH never lost faith in him, once - even standing up to me several times when I thought we should write him off.

Today, DSS is 25 years old, has finally graduated college, has a good job, is well liked and respected, has a well maintained used Porsche Boxster, a nice girl friend and is fully self sufficient. All because DH never lost faith in him.

I'm not saying your DD will turn around like that but I think there is something to be said for knowing someone is there to help (not to take the fall, but help her up from the fall even if it's only with faith in her abilities) might go a long way. I think the late teens are very tough times for kids and by letting her know that you don't approve of her actions, and she must live with the consequences of her actions, but that you still love her and have faith in that she will eventually turn around I think you may accomplish a lot more then by shutting the door on her.

Just my opinion - having seen it work before, when I least expected it to.
 
That is such a tough, heartwrenching situation and my thoughts and prayers are with you. I agree with another poster - sometimes toughlove is the only route to take. When I was 17, I was causing so much heartache for my mom due to my drinking and using drugs that she finally threw me out of the house - it was a struggle for me and took many years for me to finally get my "stuff" together but I am so grateful for it now - it forced me to get sober (at 20 years old) and to take responsibility for my own life. Now, I was soooooo p.o'd at my mom for a long time, but we are the best of friends today - so there IS hope.

Again, my prayers are with you and your daughter as you navigate through these turbulent waters.
 
I'm sorry you are going thru some tough times. I think you need to let her make her own mistakes. She wants to be a grown up then she needs to act like one.

I don't see anything wrong with what you are doing. Hang tough and let her go. Hopefully she will learn from her mistakes.

I have a friend that enabled her daughter so much that her daughter and 3 kids are now living with her and controlling her life. Don't make that mistake.
 
cataddict said:
Honestly, in Kathryn's defense (not that she needs defending---she can certainly do it herself!!!) if you post your experience on a message board you are going to get people's opinions, whether you agree or not. I don't see anything in your post that says "I'm just venting, please listen, I'm having a rough time with this and only need support, not comments about what I've done" then maybe, and I mean MAYBE there wouldn't be any disagreement with your choices. There are no guarantees that everyone will agree on this board as we've seen many many MANY times. No one here can EVER know the full story of what is going on with anyone else here or IRL for that matter.

I do have sympathy for your situation. My step daughter made some really bad choices at 18 and appears now 5 years later to be slowly (by nano inches) to be headed in a better direction, dumping loser boyfriend and getting a more stable job. Our situation was never as bad as what you describe and I'm sure it's frustrating. Sometimes what we choose to do IS the best thing at the time. My best wishes for you and your family.
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I understand where you're coming from, but I've had several family members - people that know the entire story - saying we're wrong for not being willing to let her right back in before she hits rock bottom and wakes up. It makes me furious because my husband (who adopted her in 2000 and has been more of a father to her than her biological one ever was) and I have been through the MILL with her. We've taken her to counselors, every single school in the county and one OUTSIDE of the county, gotten her tutors, offered her every incentive in the book, and she just worked her hardest to fail. Since July she's been in the Challenge Academy to get her GED because she should be a Junior in high school, but is only a sophomore because she was held back in the 7th grade, and even as a Sophomore, she has failed so many Freshman and Sophomore classes that she can't graduate before she's 21. So she went to the academy and has been there since July coming home for leave (she is home on leave now and is supposed to go back Sunday for 12 more days before graduating) and she FAILED her GED! It's as if she has no respect, no appreciation, no motivation, and nothing works that we've tried. The reason she left is she wants to smoke and have a sexual relationship with her boyfriend that isn't even 18 yet. I told her she couldn't live with us if she was going to do that because she's not self sufficient. In our house there are rules and she has to follow them if she's going to live her. She chose to leave even though I told her as she left that she would not be allowed back in if she left. She said okay, and left. If she gets a healthy dose of what life is like she may (hopefully snap out of it). However, if we leave her stuff and furniture, that's an avenue to come home. Right now that's not an option.

I'm full of guilt and regret over many things, even though a lot of this and what has gone on with her is her own doing. I think that is why I reacted how I did to her post.
 
OMG! I thought I was the only one

Reese777,

I feel your pain. I too have children, two grown girls, make that women ages 21, 23 living under my roof. They want to be adults when it's convenient for them, but when I expect them to be responsible all adulthood on their part is thrown out the window.

They too have both hooked up with straight losers, meaning jail birds, low lifes and the more I fuss the more, the more they cling to the losers. My oldest daughter recently became a mother, a job she was not mature enough to handle. She hasn't worked a steady job since she graduated from HS and all she wants to do is socialize, getting wasted (drunk) at night, sleeping all day (due to hangover), and have the baby crying because her ass is too lazy to take care of her child.

Well, we had a blow out a few weeks ago and I told her to leave. A part of me knew I did what was right, but another part of me feels for my granddaughter. She didn't ask for this. However, I refuse to have grown women living in my house and disrespecting me when all I did was be the best mother I knew how.

I think you did right, although I know you probably feel guilty, but we really need to stop enabling our kids. I get so mad at myself sometimes because I feel like it's partly my fault, by giving them the things I never had, but they took it for granted and now they are spoiled brats who thing everything should be given and not earned.

Trust me when I say you're not alone. Right now, my daughter and are at a stage where we don't like each other right now, I just pray that as she matures, she will understand why I did the things I did.

Good luck with your situation! I'll be praying for you!
 
Reese777 said:
I'm full of guilt and regret over many things, even though a lot of this and what has gone on with her is her own doing. I think that is why I reacted how I did to her post.
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Please don't think my comment was an indictment of your behavior. I didn't mean it that way. I haven't walked a mile in your shoes and don't really know how much you've been through. I wish the best for all of you.
 
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