Career and children – need your thoughts (REALLY long)

ksg68

ksg68

Cathlete
I really need some of your thoughts and insights. I have three kids, 12, 9 and 7. For the last ten years or so, DH and I have made many sacrifices in order for me to be home with the kids. I’ve worked at home selling Mary Kay and real estate, but I’ve found that I work a lot harder for someone else than for me. There was always something else that grabbed my attention vs. working on the business. That lead to a great many debates between DH and myself; we couldn’t make it on just his salary. I needed to contribute. So, last year, I went back to work full-time. And I love my job, what I do and the people with whom I work; but the pay is lousy and there are no benefits. And due to the economy, my hours have been cut to part-time status. Both my DH and mom have urged me over the past few months to get a “real” job. My mom is constantly commenting that I should use my college degree (in psychology), get a job with real benefits and pay – that I’m too talented to be working at a job that pays such a meager wage. Well, DH and mom have talked with each other and now he too, has joined the band-wagon of “get a career, not just a job.”

Now, for a little background. My mom was a school teacher and worked in the same school district for 37 years. DH has been in the same line of work for almost 20 years. Both have/had retirement plan, pensions, IRA, etc. I of course, have none of those things. And when growing up, my mom always told me, “never be so reliant on a man that you can’t make it on your own.” DH also said that he’d like for me to have a retirement of my own and to contribute to our retirement fund instead of just relying on his.

While growing up, I said that I would consider myself successful if I raised good kids. And I must say that DH and I have done a good job; our kids are respectful and polite and we’re hoping that a good foundation has been laid for their future. The family that we’ve created is extremely important to the both of us. DH would love it if I could stay home full-time and just be with the kids. Reality is, is that it’s just not possible. I need to work.

Now, I’m not opposed to working. Like I said, I’ve got a job that I love. But that’s just it. It’s just a job. However, this job has wonderful flexibility. When school starts, I’ll be there in the morning to drive the kids to school and be there when they get home. I can also attend their school functions without any guilt from my employer. I feel really lucky in that respect.

However, now that my hours are cut in half and there are real concerns about the stability of our location and economy, I’m starting to re-think what I want out of life. Has the time come for me to spread my wings and find a career? You know, one with benefits, responsibilities, and challenges? Where I’m part of something bigger and can make a difference? If so, that will mean longer hours away from the family. But it could also mean real financial gains and stability for the home. We could go on family vacations, fix up the house, or get a new car (it’s on its last legs). So, I ask the question, am I being materialistic because I want “things” for my family? My kids will be grown and out of the house before I know it – would that be a better time to start my career? I’ll be in my mid-50’s before that happens. Will time have passed me by?

I pose these questions to you all not because I’m looking for someone to tell me what to do. But to gain insight and perhaps something you say will help me think about this in a different way.

Sorry this has gotten to be so long, but it’s been on my mind for a long time.
 
Terri, what a dilemma.

My first reactions were this -- I have a degree in psychology, and I now have a career where I earn a *decent* salary with very nice benefits, retirement, life insurance, lots of paid leave, I make a difference in my community, AND my employer knows -- and EXPECTS me -- to drive my son to school every morning and be there for his stuff (he is only 3.5 now, so he doesn't have a ton of "stuff" yet). When he is sick or something else is going on, they know that I am gone. Family comes first.

I don't want to start the whole "women can/can't have it all" debate, but I would say that I have the absolute best of both worlds. Before taking my current job, I was an at-home mom, but was forced back to work (too early, IMO) when DS's father up and left and yanked the rug right from under us.

I would say to give it a shot. You have a job now that can pay the bills (or at least help) until you find something. Jobs like I have, where family and career are both priority, are out there. You just have to be persistent!!
 
Re: Career and Children

Ok, well you asked :) Here are some thoughts of mine. I am sure plenty of people will have other thoughts.

You know, one with benefits, responsibilities, and challenges? Where I’m part of something bigger and can make a difference?

You are already doing this by raising up the next generation of human beings, and you are not done yet. IMHO your kids are still young yet and still need you. Especially during the after school hours. Sounds like your mom's job was one with the school district and mimicked her kids' schedule, summers off, etc. So, unless that is what she means for you to do, then it is not really fair to compare. Of course you and your husband will be dependent on one another...you are married. If the worst happened, I am sure you could use your degree to pick up the pieces and move on. So I don't think it is wrong for you guys to be a team here running the family.

If you are ready for your kids to be in childcare 7 am to 6 pm year round, more or less, that is what it is going to take to get a challenging, professional 401k'd, retirement job. Plus summer camp for them all summer because your job will be year round? Unless you have a salaried, 401k retirement psychology job that gives you 2 1/2 months off a year? YES they are going to be out before you know it. It sounds like you've got a pretty good deal going now. I'd keep the flexible nonstress job for now. They probably have moms standing in line for it. Plus, have you checked into childcare costs for 3 kids virtually fulltime? My SIL pays $2k a month.

Does DH place NO monetary value on the "job" you have already been doing raising the 3 kids these years? It sounds as if he does not since he considers it "his" retirement and not "yours". Do you know how much $$ he'd have to pay someone to take over what you do if you weren't there? You have made it possible for him to work and have 3 kids, the benefits therein. Period. You will NEVER regret the time with the kids. You will sneeze and they will be gone.

I am sure this is one sided because I have 3 kids just a tad younger than you, I stay home, money is tight, we could use all the things you mentioned too. But the more I analyze it, the more I come up with the same answer. That type of job for me, will come later. Even if I am in my 50s. Life isn't all about job retirement benefits.

HTH.
Maybe some folks have some ideas to keep your flexibility but be able to get the retirement, 401k etc, because I would be interested to hear. And I hope I haven't stepped on any working moms toes either because it is often necessary for moms to work and they have my extreme admiration and respect.

Best,
Jen
 
You are in no way being materialistic. You're taking a hard look at your current situation and being a realist. There's nothing wrong with that.

Raising great kids is a huge success, easier than any other career, in my humble opinion. You mentioned making a difference. You are making a difference...right now. You don't need a high paying job to do that. What you've given to those 3 children will follow them into the world and continue to affect those around them for the rest of their lives. Nothing you have done so far as a mother was too small or insignificant, I assure you. :)

That said, wanting to start on a new path, a path that perhaps will lead to better pay and maybe a more comfortable lifestyle for your family, is not being materialistic. You would be providing for both yourself and your family, and that is a good thing.

Here's my question for you: Do you absolutely need the extra money? Do you find yourself wanting a change or more mental stimulation? Or are you feeling pressured by others to make this change?

If the pressure is coming from the outside, I would proceed carefully, as you must do what YOU feel is right in order to be successful at anything.
 
You are already doing this by raising up the next generation of human beings, and you are not done yet. IMHO your kids are still young yet and still need you.

Raising great kids is a huge success, easier than any other career, in my humble opinion. You mentioned making a difference. You are making a difference...right now.

Thank you, both. I didn't look at it that way. It makes me emotional thinking about the sacrifices and it's all been worth it.

As far as daycare is concerned, DH would take the kids to school and the kids would only be in the after-school program for about 90 minutes before DH would pick them up. And the 12 year-old will be in 7th grade and she's a bit old for daycare. Although one would argue that it's the teen-age years when they need the most "daycare!" As far as summer is concerned, my mom is now retired and offers to help out; the oldest will be 13 and certainly able to babysit the younger ones.

My mom used to tell my dad that she went to work to make his life easier but it made hers harder. Well, they're divorced now... ;)

DH is pretty appreciative of the things I do to make his life easier, although he has to be reminded every now and again. ;) So, is his retirement my "payment" for all the child-rearing years? I'm not be sarcastic, but is this the trade-off or another way to look at it? My FIL was self-employed and never planned for retirement. His wife is quite bitter that he never planned to take care of the both of them in their retirement years. Unfortunately, he's had a stroke and is unable to work. She says she'll have to work until she dies because of his poor lack of planning. I don't want that situation to happen to us.

Here's my question for you: Do you absolutely need the extra money? Do you find yourself wanting a change or more mental stimulation? Or are you feeling pressured by others to make this change?
Yes, we absolutely need the extra money. When I worked full-time, we got by; it was tight and there wasn't room for any "surprises." Well, now that I'm only part-time, any extra we had is completely gone. If the car died tomorrow, we wouldn't be able to afford a car payment or even $500 for a beater car. Do I really want to live like that? Where one unexpected expense would cause major financial distress?
 
Wow, you are in a very tough situation.

I've stayed at home with my kids and, when they were older, went out and started career.

I'll echo that the MOST IMPORTANT thing you'll do is raise healthy and happy kids. :) Of course, with a background in psychology, you could also make a significant impact in the lives of others. This is where we differ; I'm in IT and can't say I make a difference. I'm just a cog in a wheel!

Starting a career was hard for me, after being out of the 'real' (although I, like you, worked at non-career jobs while raising kids) workforce; but in your field, it may be easier to start later in life.

However, as I read it, that's not really the question.
I think you settled the question by stating that you really DO need the extra income; and if there are no alternatives other than getting a more money, then that's what you have to do.

BUT will your 'starting salary' cover the expenses? Commuting, clothing for work and the big one.....childcare? You've got to do the tough financial analysis, in a realistic fashion. And the results often aren't encouraging, I know this first hand. :(

The grass is always greener; I work with people with families who wonder if the second income, the lesser one, is worth it. You may actually find yourself with less 'real money' in the end during the start of your 'real job'....not what you want, considering this is a dire situation. Although it can turn profitable, later, of course, as you earn more money. Then, again, echoing others, you have the cost in time and togetherness of your family.

I know others have posted exactly what I did, so I apologize if this isn't much of a help....but I'm posting anyway because sometimes, reading numerous opinions,either of the same or different viewpoints, helps solidify your own thoughts and feelings and gut instincts. At least, it does for me.

I've been there and done both stay-at-home and working outside of the home when the kids were olderand well.....I know the situation you are in. I hope you can come to a workable solution.

And I'll tell you that I read nothing, absolutely nothing, in your post that points to materialism. Just love and care for your family!

Good luck to you, and please, do keep us posted.
 
You don't make his life easier. Like sticky notes. You make his life POSSIBLE. Sorry, it just chaps me when a woman works her fingers to the bone raising 3 kids and then someone looks at her and says "Why don't you...you know..... CONTRIBUTE???" LOL! ARGHGHGHG Plus you are already working when the kids are in school, you are not sitting around picking your nose.

Your "payment" for all these years are three darling kids who look at you with love in their eyes who are happy, healthy, respectable and great....and you have had the reward of watching them grow up. "His" retirement is not your payment, it is your right.

It doesn't sound as if you are NOT planning for retirement, like your MIL/FIL, and at least you can say you were involved with it, and are planning....if your FIL didn't plan (at all?), well, neither did your MIL. She does not blame herself, I don't know why. None of my biz, I just noticed it.

Realistically, I would plan to put Grandma in charge during the summer, primary caregiver, I think that a 13 year old girl is not ready to be left alone fulltime during the summer with 2 younger sibs. So IMHO if it were me planning this, I'd make sure that is the situation and she is agreeing to it.

Just presenting some arguments and thoughts for your noggin.
I wish you the best in your search for a solution!
Jen
 
Oh man. I really can't add much to what advice has been given already. I'm a SAHM to 2 girls (3 soon!). DH is self-employed, lots of hours, very stressful. Thankfully, we don't NEED my income so I made plans to quit working for the business when I got pg and we have a lovely secretary now. I do miss the extra money I brought in (we gave me a paycheck for my hours) but I do not miss the stress. I am a much better, happier, healthier mom and wife when I don't have to mix momming and working. (((hugs))) to you - I know how hard this is.
 
I'm in somewhat the same boat as you are. I work PT out of the home a few evenings a week and we have two kids. My job is not a "career," it's just to bring in some extra money because we can't survive on my husband's salary alone. I, too, have thought about starting a career later on and weighed that option with having more money, more status, what have you ... against having less money, continuing to work where I am now, and having more time with my kids.

(I am getting to my point here ... trust me). ;)

Another thing I personally am also struggling with is whether or not to have a 3rd kid .... I really want one, but then there's the money issue and all that ....

I honestly don't know what my decision will be about the 3rd kid thing or about starting a career later in life. I'm still working through all that.

BUT. The one thing I always ask myself is, "When I'm 90 years old and look back on my life will I have wished for more money or more kids?" OR "When I'm 90 years and look back on my life will I have wished for a career or more time with my kids?" For me, my answers to those questions are always: More kids and More time with my kids.

Not sure if this helps you or not. But sometimes I think making a decision can be as simple as asking yourself what is really important ... just throwing that out there. :D
 
Terri-

I started to read the other responses, but had to stop because their opinions and input were starting to cloud mine! I'm not on the fence, but I am very easily persuaded to see the other viewpoints, and I wanted to get mine out there before I read everybody else's. :)

So you know where I'm coming from, here's MY situtation in a nutshell. I think it explains best what I think about this:

DH passed away at 32, when our boys were 3 & 6 (almost 4 years ago). We had NO life insurance when he passed. We had no health insurance when he got sick. And I was forced to go back to work during the later part of his illness so he would have insurance for his bone marrow transplant (which would have cost a fortune) and so we could keep our brand new home. I was working in an awesome company doing what I love...Human Resources...with the ability to come and go as needed due to my kids' lives. I was making good money and we received Social Security (still do, although it's not a whole lot). I was able to buy 'extra' things and 'surprises', above and beyond keeping the house running and food on our table. My mom watched my kids for me, so they weren't in child care and I had no added expense in that regard. And I had a littl bit of a buffer in savings.

DH passed away, and what did I do? I worked for 6 more months, all the while trying my heart out to find a way to afford to quit my job so I can return home to where I was needed so much more. Eventually, I came off the State's waiting list and was accepted for State-provided insurance. Our household income went from very comfortable, to very tight. I used my 'buffer savings' to help out when the unexpected things came around like sports fees, car insurance bill, etc. That buffer is now gone. GONE! There are months where I'm getting by with just an extra $20.00 in my checking account.

This time last year, I realized I needed to find an income somewhere. I thought it thru, knowing that I did NOT want my kids in any kind of day care, even the after school program. I realized I needed to work around their schedule first, and that left my choices pretty limited. I applied for a part time job at our school, and got it. Now, I get the kids on the bus, 2 hours later I walk to the school, work as a Monitor during the lunch hours, walk home, and an hour later my kids get home. I'm off when they're off. All year round. It doesn't pay a ton, but it gives me a bit of a monthly buffer (yet there are still months where there's only taht $20 in the account). I also clean a friend's house once a week and she pays me for it. Again, I do it while the kids are in school and it's a bit of a cash for 'fun' stuff (occasionaly). I also watch a friend's 2 kids after school on Mondays and Fridays; again she pays me too, and it adds to my income.

(I'm so sorry to ramble about ME, but I'm getting to my point, I promise!

Here's what I'm trying to say. Life threw me a huge curve that brought me to my knees. I was forced to decide what was most important in my life at that time. It brought my what ifs to life and I was forced....FORCED....to analyze things and figure out exactly where I stood on many issues, including a job/carreer with extra income vs. raising my children as a SAHM. We are all different. (my best friend will tell you she is a TGIM mom....Thank God it's Monday...both her kids are in daycare, lol) We all have to make up our own minds on where everything falls in the list of importance. There IS A BALANCE! And I do think we moms can have it all. Just in a limited capacity.

It certainly isn't easy, as many of us know. We made our choice to become a mom. We also have a choice on what to do with that gift. I am very happy with the decisions and sacrifices I made. I wouldn't change it for the world. I know my time is coming...my time for a career, for the ability to add more income to the home, my time for ME. But for right now, I have 2 primary jobs that take the top spot on my list of important things to do, and their names are Jacob and Zachary.

Good luck.

Gayle
 
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You might try finding a job in your children's school district. Most schools today have psychologists in them or need back ups (for testing, evaluations, consultations etc), especially if you could work with special education children or even as a paraprofessional/classroom aide. The hours would mirror your children's schedule for school vacations and summers off. The benefits are usually very good, even if the pay isn't "Wall Street". I know a lot of moms who went "back to school" as employees as their children got older.

Another idea is to join a local counseling practice part-time. You would be accountable to your associates and have some assistance in building up a client base. Here in CT, the hourly rate for working with kids ranges from $100 - $200/ hour. I assume the rate for working w/ adults is similar.

It sounds like your DH is really stressed about money and that can absolutely take a toll on a marriage. I agree with other posters that you cannot expect a 13 yo or your mom to provide fulltime childcare over the summer. It's too much to expect from either and other problems will erupt. Good luck!
 
ksg68 said:
Here's my question for you: Do you absolutely need the extra money? Do you find yourself wanting a change or more mental stimulation? Or are you feeling pressured by others to make this change?

Yes, we absolutely need the extra money. When I worked full-time, we got by; it was tight and there wasn't room for any "surprises." Well, now that I'm only part-time, any extra we had is completely gone. If the car died tomorrow, we wouldn't be able to afford a car payment or even $500 for a beater car. Do I really want to live like that? Where one unexpected expense would cause major financial distress?
Click to expand...

Okay then. It sounds like a job change is necessary. The suggestions to find a part-time counseling job and even better, work within the school district, are great ones!

My 13 year old daughter sees a teen counselor, and this woman works out of her home. She said it's fantastic because she doesn't have office overhead, and she's home for her kids (one's a teen, the other is in grade school). She charges $125 an hour.

*By the way, just because we SAH Moms don't earn a traditional paycheck doesn't mean we don't work, right? My husband makes good money and works hard, but I always hear him tell people my job is much harder, and that he'd freak if we had to switch places. :) You are totally earning whatever money you guys have managed to save for retirement.
 
I have to say that this post is right up my alley today as I just turned down a large pay increase for the additional flexibility my current job provides me in terms of time with my girls. The responses I got here made me feel so much better about my decision as well.

So here goes my opinion...Honestly, if you must find a job outside the home, I would look for a company that offers a flexible schedule or, depending on how much you need to make, working in a school, as others have suggested might work for you. I know that I have read articles that highlight specific companies that are best for working parents in terms of flexibility in work schedule, etc. You might want to begin to try to research companies in your area to see if you can find something that will allow you to work your schedule around the needs of both you and your kids.

Good luck!

Alicia
 
I'm with those that think if you wish to stay home (your kids are still pretty young), I think there may be the options pointed out like working in a school district or the idea of couseling part time.

So here's my story which I would only change a little (see 2nd sentence below)

I stayed home for 13 years - my youngest was 9 when I went back to work after a divorce. Wish I could have stayed home a few more years for the kids, but it worked out OK.

Started back 6 hours a week for a year and then the opportunity for full time and a supervisor position came open (Like Gayle, in HR though I am an Accounting major). Still not where I want to be (after 10 years) - have stayed in the basic position but was promoted after 2 years to HR/Payroll Department Mgr. for the company. Now at 50 I am working on increasing my skill sets to add to my degree so I can most likely look for an upward move in the next couple of years, and have built back up my retirement!

Did remarry and used what was left of the 401K after the high divorce $ to purchase a small comfortable home that we will most likely stay in. We are able to add extra to the principal so that even after both of us starting over at 40, we will have our California home paid off by retirement age (knock on wood nothing catastrophic happens). We are finally able to "enjoy" some extras (see my pic with a San Jose Sharks player). We didn't have any extravagant vacations, but did camp and visit relatives - my kids treasure those memories.

In the end, I think if you keep your eyes and ears open, talk yourself up a bit, an opportunity will present itself that could work for you. You sound like your DH and Mom will help out quite a bit (I had no one) and it is great that you have such a great support system already in place that you can trust.

Best of luck with your decision.
 
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