age of marriage

L

lesliemarie

Cathlete
how old do you think one should be to get married? My daughter who is 18 wants to get married next month, she only knew him for 4 weeks and lived with him for 3 weeks. I was 21 when I got married, also this daughter of mine can't hold a job, everyjob she gets she quits in just a week to two weeks after working, She really has never paid any bills of her own, I have always supported her, I am worried she won't be able to deal with the stress of marriage. She is a bright girl but I hope she doesn't think it is like playing house or something,
 
It sounds like she should wait. My first time around, I was 21 when I got married. I had lived with my ex-husband for three years and then got married. Right after we got married, things went downhill from there. He was an abusive alcoholic who couldn't keep a job. I got married again a year after my divorce became final and have been happily married for almost fifteen years. It doesn't sound like she's ready to handle marriage as well as being able to afford being on her own. Does her boyfriend/fiancee have a good job? Have they asked each other what their expectations are? Have they talked about who will handle the money, when or if they want to have children? There are lots of questions that should be answered before they get married. My second time around, my DH proposed only two months after we got together but we had both been married before and knew what we wanted and didn't want out of a marriage.

Marcy
 
Gosh, Lesliemarie, I think it varies by the level of maturity of the person. I was 22 years old when I married my husband. I was in the military and so was he. We had already served 5 years by then (went in when we were 17 years old).
We were rather mature for our age. We were also determined and independent. We will be celebrating our 15th anniversary in Feb 08.

I think all that you can do is advise her the best you can. Good luck to you
 
I think it really depends on the couple. I was 19 when I got married and have been happily married for 20 years, but I would never recommend anyone else get married that young. I was lucky enough to meet the right guy and we had the same values and goals and were able to grow together to make things work for us. If I had married someone else at the same age, it might have been a disaster.

Erica
 
Do you live in Utah? :) If so, then that is about right!Seriously, those kids marry right out of diapers sometimes.

I know at 18, I certainly was not ready for marriage, good grief. I would advise against it, she isn't preggers is she?:eek:
 
I agree on the maturity level, She would like to think she is, but with her poor job history and things like that she is not that mature for marriage, I wish she would wait till she matured a bit more, and yes I live in Utah, I was 21 when I got married, but dated my hubby for two years before we got engaged, we have a great relationship. I want her to be as happy as me and hubby are,
 
I don't want to be unkind, but read what you wrote about her! she sounds like an immature, irresponsible kid. some people might be ready at 18 but doesn't sound like she us. Can you at least encourage her to put it off for a while, like waiting for a June wedding? She'd at least have known the guy for 6 months by then.
 
I was 29 when I got married and I think that was young! I think 30 should be the law!! LOL

She does not sound ready and, as her mother, you seem to have serious doubts. Oh my, the things I was doing and the people I dated at 18 would have been disasters if I married them...I shutter to think. 18 is the time to be a kid, date, go out, study, be in school...on and on...not to get married. That is only my opinion, but she seems to young and doesn't even know the guy.

Good luck to you!!! Hang in there, Mamma!
 
I am not saying she is a bad kid, she is a kind and sweet girl, I just think she needs a little more growing up, at least at living life without me and her father in her life, I have stepped back and let her make her decisions, she is going to do it no matter what I or hubby says, I just wish she would think about it, like how are they going to live, how much money they make together, she see's how much we are struggling to make ends meet, we are even in the process of filing bankrupcy, as for Christmas there is no christmas, sad to say, I just see how hard it is we are having and go to school to get a better job so she doesn't have to struggle like we are. I just want her to be happy and have a good life.
 
Leslie,

Does she have a married Aunt or cousin who could contribute their advice? Here is my thought: maybe if she hears the same advice from MANY family members she will listen.

I think the pressure at this age is horrible right now in our little community in Southern Utah. It seems that EVERYBODY is supposed to be married with children right out of high school...it is so sad! My DH and I have observed this time and time again. It also seems that not many family members care enough to say ANYTHING against it.

I am sure that you and your husband's hearts are in the right place. I am also sure that she thinks she is doing the right thing...the mature thing.

I was eighteen once and I remember feeling like marriage was the natural progression along with the mortgage, kids....
 
I don't think it is so much a matter of age, people get married at 18 and stay together. What worries me though is that she has only known him for 4 weeks.

I just don't think there is much you can do, she is 18 and legally an adult. I think the more you try and talk her out of it the more she will want to do it just to make a point.

I didn't want to listen when I was 18 and had to land flat on my face before I learned my lesson.

I think sometimes as parents we'll just need to take a step back and let them make their mistakes hoping they will learn from it.

Sorry to hear about the financial struggles you are currently going through. I hope things get better for you soon.
 
I was 19 when I got married .. but I consider myself EXTREMELY lucky b/c I married my soulmate .. he is 6 years older than me .. we both had good jobs and I was working my way thru college... we have been married 21 years now ... and can not see myself w/anyone else. He is truely my soulmate ..

.. on the other hand .. I do know how lucky I am ... and how lucky we were to have the same values, work ethic, drive and goals .. and we were also lucky to have grown together and not apart as so many of my friend's marriages did!

I think it depends on the maturity level of the individual. I would be concerned if she can not hold down a job .. and to never have paid bills .. that is a biggie. I would think that would be a must b-4 entering into a marriage .. even if the love were strong enough .. the misuse of money and credit would be a quick way to a downfall of a good marriage.

YIKES .. I feel for you .. one thing I can remember from being that age (so long ago) .. is the more you protest the more she will be sure she is to do the opposite .. LOL .. a calm talk about reality of finance, credit, bills and responsibilty may be in order (without sarcasm or placing blame) ..

GOOO LUCK!
 
There's definitely not one age that determines that one is ready for marriage. That age varies by person. I know a teen that is more mature than her 30 year old sister.

Anyway, the best you can do (in my opinion) is to advise her to really REALLY REALISTICALLY think things through. Also, ask her what's the big rush???

Unfortunately, she sounds like the type that might want to learn from her own mistakes. I doubt that having a bunch of people telling her NOT to do it will make any difference. And throwing in her face her poor employment history might not make a difference in her decision. It might just make her resent you. So be supportive and let her know that you know she'll do whatever she wants, but that you just want to make sure she knows what she's getting into. And that there's nothing wrong with waiting at least a few more months.

Best of luck with the situation.
 
3-4 weeks!?!? my god that's too soon to even be thinking that way; and 18 and never supported herself? yikes
now, I don't have kids, but if I did I would do everything in my legal power to discourage such a drastic, irreparable move; I would never want my child to marry before 25 (at least). You need to live an independent life for at least a little while first. Based on what you've written, she is not remotely ready for this sort of a move, and could be a mistake that would destory her future. If they're living together now, let them carry on that way for a year or so and then see how they manage that. I realize early marriage the what you do in the middle parts of the country, (I'm originally from there), but that doesn't make it right. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high? lot's of mistakes. good luck
 
I just found out they are going to Las Vegas to get married at the end of January
I wish she would wait a while to get to know him better than 4 weeks, and have a chance to learn how to support herself, she is so used to me helping her all the time, medical bills and things like that, and she still has to go back to Primary Children's Medical Center for another x-ray on her leg, all is ok, but doctor just wants to check it out once a year, I don't think there is anything I can do, she moved in with him and she is now 18 he is only 18 but seems to have more of a head on his shoulders, I talked to him some today and yesterday, he knows she has a bad history with employment and keeping a job, she DOESNT cook nor doesn't WANT to cook!!!!!
 
I don't think it depends on age so much as maturity level and the character of both people involved. I was 24 and my husband was 22 when we got married and we've been married for almost 15 years.

From what you've said about your daughter, this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Marraige can be wonderful--mine is--but it requires commitment, mutual sacrifice, and hard work and from what you've related, it doesn't sound like your daughter has those qualities yet. She may be bright, but smarts don't make a good marraige. And what about the young man--what's his character like? It doesn't sound like ya'll have known him long enough to tell.

She is 18, however, and can do as she wishes. You don't have to continue to support her. I hope she holds off on children until she is more mature.

Sorry to be blunt, but there it is.

Maggie:)
 
I have only met this guy three times, not enough time to get to know him really good, so I can't say much about his character. She might bring him over tonight, don't know, they want to see my youngest daughter in her Christmas concert tonight,
 
I know that some people got married young and are still married. But this is a different generation and men are simply not the same. Women are not treated the same way we use to. And a boy at 20 or so will change around 25. There is exceptions. But she doesn't know him well and if she changes job frequently, it means she doesn't know what she wants and it's normal. She is 18! She is discovering herslef and again this is a different generation. It's a harder generation. There is so many needs and demands. At least 25. I remember at age 25, I changed my mentality so much. Your brain is completed at 25. I made decisions before this age and I regret. Of course it depends on each person, but I heard before that at 25 your brain completely developped and I really felt it. I am 29, so I am not that far and I do remember.

I strongly do not think she should get married and why is she living with him?? I am 29 and will only live with a man when I get married. Which is next April.

my suggestion and I strongly believe it
 
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