Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship Related

Rose,

I don't think it's a matter of trust, more a matter of time and how openly they conduct their friendships. Two people need to set their priorities and invest time in their relationship in order for it to work.

I don't mind if my boyfriend has lots of girlfriends, but I would not be happy if he spends too much time with them (that goes for male as well as female friends). If we are spending quality time together, he should put the emphasis on that and tell his friends to call back another time. If the 3 hour telephone call was infringing on my time with him then, yes, I would not be happy. I would ask him what the phone call was about and if he can't/won't tell me I would not be happy about that either.

It's understandable for men and women to feel cautious and a little threaten about their partner's relationship with the opposite sex. It's good if the couple can be open about their friendships and understand what takes priority - a marriage comes before friendship in my opinion.

While male/female friendships can exist within a marriage, it's not always innocent. It depends on how he treats his friends. Look what happened to Prince Charles and Diana? His 'friend' was in fact his secret love and she was always around, he was very insistent about that. Even though they didn't have an actual affair when Charles and Diana were together, she was his friend and confidante and she was every where. She even became Diana's friend too. Poor Diana never understood their 'friendship' until it was too late.

I don't think it's unreasonable your friend to ask her fiance to cool the relationships a little. They should be spending quality time together, planning their future. The other women in his life should understand.


Yen
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

The friendship between man and woman is not ALWAYS innocent but if you don't trust your partner then you shouldn't be with them.

In addition, just because you put the kibash on a male/female friendship does not mean that a person won't cheat. Anything could happen at any time. It's not healthy to go through life and live in your marriage/relationship worrying about the person cheating on you and/or trying to keep the person out of any possible situatons where they might cheat. It's IMPOSSIBLE to do as a matter of fact and therefore really not worth the effort IMO.

By not allowing male/female friendships or by putting strict limits on them you are basically assuming cheating will happen. You are saying to your mate "I don't trust you. You are going to cheat on me." That's not right and is in no way HELPING to strengthen the relationship and make it work.

TRUST TRUST TRUST! That's all there is to it IMO!
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

Wendy,

I didn't say that there is no trust in this relationship. One would hope that a couple getting married do trust and love each other. Why marry otherwise?

In this case, I think it would be more important to put empahsis on the marriage and spend time with your new wife, rather than letting friendships take priority. I don't think it's unreasonable if for the fiance to ask him to cool it with his friends.

I have been in a relationship where the other half spends more time at work than with me, and it really p*ssed me off. If you want to start a family or build a home together, you have to spend quality (alone) time together. I feel that I would not be able to continue to be with him if his job takes priority, he has to sort it out with work and get time off or we finish.


Yen
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

I am going to respond without reading too many of these...


First off - as a friend don't get involved. If you give advice in any way that is not neutral - it will bite you in the butt.


SECOND: HOW DARE THAT OTHER WOMAN! I am sorry, but in my experience with other women, a three hour conversation is and can only be deemed "legit friendship related conversation" if someone died, was diagnosed with a terminal illness or a major disaster occurred, NOT in anyway is it necessary for her to call someone else's fiance about a "relationship issues" and stay on the phone for THREE HOURS. She has alterior motives if you ask me.

THIRD: Why would the fiance want to stay on the phone for three hours with her? Does he like to feel "needed" by other females and if you are going to marry someone like him - is he going to need to "counsel" every single female friend of his???

Sorry but over the years, I have witnessed too many "friendly" people have affairs and frankly too many people have affairs anymore ( it disgusts me ) - like its just ok - not that this is happening in the above scenario, but for pete's sake that friend better wake up and smell the coffee about her fiance - - -

I am not saying that its not possible to have friends that are the opposite sex while you are married, but I think in all reality - it would difficult to justify nightly phone conversations with someone of the opposite sex - I know I would never do that to my husband and would hope he respected me enough to not do that either.....

Just my opinion :) I am sure you will get lots of opinions on that one!
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

I totally agree that a new marriage/relationship needs work and time that should be invested, etc. I get that and understand that point.

IMO though, one three hour conversation is not grounds to break up a marriage or even a long standing relationship for that matter. IMO it's not even something to get mad at unless conversations of that length happen with regularity while the partner is left alone doing nothing.

I just think this conversation was a once in a blue moon thing when his friend was having a rough time and needed to talk. That's what friends are for and I quite frankly commend the guy for being there for his friend. He should not be chastised for it. If she has never been bothered by his friendships before then this single conversation is not enough, IMO, to cause alarm.

JMO ofcourse. :)


>Wendy,
>
>I didn't say that there is no trust in this relationship. One
>would hope that a couple getting married do trust and love
>each other. Why marry otherwise?
>
>In this case, I think it would be more important to put
>empahsis on the marriage and spend time with your new wife,
>rather than letting friendships take priority. I don't think
>it's unreasonable if for the fiance to ask him to cool it with
>his friends.
>
>I have been in a relationship where the other half spends more
>time at work than with me, and it really p*ssed me off. If you
>want to start a family or build a home together, you have to
>spend quality (alone) time together. I feel that I would not
>be able to continue to be with him if his job takes priority,
>he has to sort it out with work and get time off or we finish.
>
>
>
>Yen
>
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

I guess I pretty much agree with Wendy. One thing I find interesting is that there seem to be some replies blaming the female friend for calling. I guess i just don't understand this. Why is it wrong for a friend(male or female) to call another friend? While I think 3 hours is a bit excessive too, it has never been mentioned what the situation was that prompted a three hour call...maybe someone did die, etc. How about putting the responsibility where it belongs...on the fiance. HE should be the person to set the limits on phone calls, etc. While I agree that friends should be understanding of those limits, they should be enforced by the person setting them.


Also, I'll repeat what I said before, people don't have affairs/cheat just because they are friends with someone. Someone who cheats obviously has their own issues/is unhappy in their current relationship, etc. People DO NOT cheat JUST because they are friends with people of the oposite sex.
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

RunDiggity -- You summed up my thoughts on this exactly. In my opinion, it's the marriage that is the most important thing here and what the two of them are comfortable with. And it's a respect issue more than a trust issue. It boils down to what's appropriate now that they are making a lifelong commitment to one another.

Just my two cents.

Jennifer
 
I just wanted to add one other thought. I don't think that there is any disagreement that their marriage should be their priority. To me, it's really about expectations. I just don't think it's right or fair to expect your spouse to completely change their behavior just because you are getting married. I mean, if your fiance/fiancee was one way while you were dating/not engaged why should you expect them to be different upon engagement and marriage.

I have a friend who for some insane reason thought that once he got married his girlfriend(who he was with for 4 years and NEVER cooked) would all of a sudden become this culinary genius. He was incredibly disappointed and annoyed. I thought he was crazy. She had never cooked and it was never a problem. He knew that going into their marriage. Same thing here, she knew he had girl friends and it was never a problem...why now?

Also, I think 'other' relationships sort of naturally tone down after you get married...without anyone having to say anything. That may just be my experience though.
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

Definitely correct - depends on the situation - I mentioned before if it was a crisis scenario then its totally fine, if it wasn't and is happening often - then what are the intentions of the fiance???

......and if it happens on a regular basis.....

HOLY RED ALERT!!!!
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

>Also, I'll repeat what I said before, people don't have
>affairs/cheat just because they are friends with someone.
>Someone who cheats obviously has their own issues/is unhappy
>in their current relationship, etc. People DO NOT cheat JUST
>because they are friends with people of the oposite sex.

BINGO, Pippa!

As far as respect. Okay, I can understand the whole respect thing and if that's all it boils down to and the couple can agree on a fair place to "draw the line" then I guess that's okay. I just think it's completely unfair to try and put a wedge in a friendship that existed before the relationship did...UNLESS you have a VERY good reason to suspect wrong doing.

ETA: I also agree that until/unless the fiance' speaks to his friend and sets "limits" with her that there is no way that she should be blamed at all in this. As far as she knows, she was doing nothing wrong.

:)
 
Pippa - I see where you are coming from - you definitely cannot teach some old dogs new tricks.....once again maybe why she should question the fiance on his intentions if it happens on a regular basis.

I would find it incredibly disrespectful for my husband to have contact with females on a regular basis during the week and if those short phone calls turned into three hour sessions?? WTF??!

As mentioned before though, does depend on what the situation was at the time of phone call......red flags lit up for me when I read the post though x( very frustrating indeed!
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

I am not sure I get the HOW DARE THIS OTHER WOMAN comment! How about they have been friends even BEFORE the fiancee came into the picture. I think he'd be a real jerk if he dumped his friend just because he is getting married.

Some of my male friends, I have gone through elementary school with them, I have known them since I was barely out of diapers. If my husband had told me I shouldn't be talking to them anymore, I don't think I would be married to him.

I think one of the reasons why the divorce rate is so high nowadays, is that people have such a rosy romantic picture AND expectations when they get married to be the one and only person that the partner needs.

I don't think I can be EVERYTHING my husband wants, and he can't be everything. I think it is good and healthy to give each other some space. That doesn't mean that I would ever accept it or condone cheating. But I think I would be asking for problems and heading straight for divorce if I expected my husband to focus his whole life on me.

Friendships are healthy and necessary! Noone says 3 hours conversation EVERY day for months is something to put up with, but if there is a crisis in the friends life, I wouldn't have a problem my husband helping out his male/female friend. I actually would respect him for it and encourage it.

I totally agree with Wendy on all points!
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

>>>NOT in anyway is it necessary for her to call someone else's fiance about a "relationship issues" and stay on the phone for THREE HOURS. She has alterior motives if you ask me.<<<

With all due respect, you make it sound as if this guy became her PROPERTY once they got engaged. He is not her property and he is not just "someone else's finace". He is a person who had his own life prior to meeting his now fiance or wife and therefore has legitimate friendships that he has every right to want to keep in tact.

Engagement/Marriage is not about OWNING someone. It's about mutal love and respect. Everyone is talking about respect here but if you ask me, most of it is very one-sided. Okay, so you deem it disrespectful for him to spend so much time talking to his female friend but what about him? Isn't it disrespectful to expect him to "roll over and play dead" just because he got engaged/married!?

I have to wonder if this girl has any male friends and how she has changed her friendships with them, if at all, since getting engaged to this guy???
 
I just don't
>think it's right or fair to expect your spouse to completely
>change their behavior just because you are getting married. I
>mean, if your fiance/fiancee was one way while you were
>dating/not engaged why should you expect them to be different
>upon engagement and marriage.
>

Couldn't agree more, Pippa!!!

I am not sure why people expect that things "change" once they get married. It is a recipe for disaster!

Why do we always want to change people. For me, there is a reason why a married my DH, I think the major thing is to love and respect your partner for who they are and not what we want them to be and vice versa.

Does that mean that I always agree with him? Heck, no! But if you can't live with the way they are before marriage, leave while you can and don't expect it to change after marriage.
 
Exactly, Carola!

As a matter-of-fact, one of the things that I found appealing about my DH before we got married was the fact that many of the women he'd been involved with WERE still friends with him! I thought that said a lot about the type of guy he was. Even though he wasn't "the one" for them (or vice versa), they still liked him enough to remain friends. I had one of them even tell me before we got married, "We (she and another of his exes) have such high hopes for you two! He's such a great guy."
 
It's fascinating to read so many responses to this! Personally, I would be bothered if my DH talked to a female friend that long, but mainly because it would take away from family time. Also just because I couldn't picture my DH on the phone with anyone very long, period. If he was like the guy described here, though, it's probably not a big deal. I would agree that you don't want to control your SO, but a lot of times these opposite sex relationships do tend to "tone down"--in fact even a lot of my same sex friendships toned down when I got married. You get very wrapped up as a newlywed and then might even have to work on renewing those friendships later after you settle into married life.

It's hard for me to really picture the situation, since DH and I didn't have many opposite sex friendships even before we got married. I had many guy friends on a casual level and one pretty close guy friend. Strangely enough, he stopped calling me when I got married--I never pushed him away. We were long distance friends anyway, but he stopped answering emails or phone calls. DH was probably secretly pleased about that.

I also dealt with a lot of jealousy when I first got married (which is funny looking back because DH did nothing to deserve suspicion). In my case it was because of some lingering abandonment fears relating to my parents' divorce. Now I never worry that DH will cheat; I just make sure I give him enough attention that he won't need to (and he's just a very trustworthy and steady guy).

OK, now I'm just rambling but I found this an interesting thread to read the various viewpoints.

***Lainie***

http://web.mac.com/lainiefig/iWeb/Site/Exercise/Exercise.html

"The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself." -- Mark Twain
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

>Exactly, Carola!
>
>As a matter-of-fact, one of the things that I found appealing
>about my DH before we got married was the fact that many of
>the women he'd been involved with WERE still friends with him!
> I thought that said a lot about the type of guy he was. Even
>though he wasn't "the one" for them (or vice versa), they
>still liked him enough to remain friends. I had one of them
>even tell me before we got married, "We (she and another of
>his exes) have such high hopes for you two! He's such a great
>guy."

I love this! It's so great to hear things like this, TeTe!

My mom and dad divorced when I was only 5 years old. There was a period of about 6 months after they separated where they were angry with one another so they did not talk much but once they got passed that they quickly became the best of friends! Unfortunately my dad passed away almost 12 years ago now (God rest his soul) but him and my mom were great friends until the very end....that's roughly 20 years of friendship! My mom, as a matter of fact, became quite friendly with my dad's 2nd wife over the years hangs out with her socially on occasion even now! My mom also remarried and this man did not appreciate her relationship with my father and would occasionally give her a hard time about it. She basically told him to go scratch. There was absolutely no reason for him to feel threatened and she had told him that. Well, they ended up getting a divorce in the early 90's after 14 years of marriage...why? Because HE cheated on her!!! He had no female friends yet he was the one to stray. A perfect example of a true life experience that proves that men and women CAN be friends w/o messing around and that if you are going to stray it will happen no matter who your friends are.

I guess this is where I get my views from and as a result have had many a male friend in my life. I am also one to keep in touch w/or remain friends with exes. Sometimes it is a real true friendship like I have with an ex currently and sometimes it's just a casual phone call on ocassion to say hey what's up but no matter what it is, it's something that is important to me! My DH has no right to take it away from me as I have no right to take the same from him and quite frankly, I wouldn't dream of it!

Okay, I've posted way too much on this topic.
I'll shut up now!:p
 
Lainie - this is exactly what I meant by really examining the reason behind her discomfort with the situation. You discovered your real reason, and it was probably a lot of introspection that got you to that place. I, too, was very jealous when we were first married!

I think the couple should view the situation as an opportunity to improve their relationship. They need to work out something mutually agreeable. It's all about compromise while respecting yourself AND your partner.

I love that we are all able to discuss this so openly~! What a great group of people!!

Liz
 
All,

Maybe I am old-fashioned, maybe I am insecure, maybe I am paranoid, maybe I am selfish, maybe I am all this and a thousand things more. But I honestly don't see why people think that a simple request to the fiance to SPEND LESS TIME with his friends is so bad. That this means she is taking control of his life now that they are engaged; that 'he has to roll over and play dead'; that it is asking him to GIVE UP his friends. It's nothing at all when you have seen what people are prepared to do in the name of love.

I once saw a T.V. program where they talked about what you give up and how far you would go for love. There was one lady who was born and brought up in the UK. She was from a very priviledge background, went to private school, lived in a big house with swimming pool. She had a job but she didn't need to work, and lots of friends, money, in other words her life seemed perfect. They filmed her family and home to showed the lifestyle that she had. On a holiday trip to some very poor Eastern European country (can't remember which) she met a gypsy tour guide and fell in love with him. She went back home, but kept going back to see him until they decided to get married. After that she moved to his country and lived with him in tacky one bedroom flat with no cooker. She gave up her family, her friends, her holidays, everything. That is my idea of true love.

In light of that and what that lady was prepared to do in order to be with her husband, this seems rather a minor request. I don't know why he was talking for his friend for so long, but if the fiance was unhappy about it then he should do something (don't they have other friends to turn for support in times of need? Does it have to him?)

It is unfornate but when you decide to get married then your priorities will have to change if you want the marriage to work. You will have to put your partner's needs before your own and those of your friends. To me it doesn't show disrespect or ownership, it simply shows that you love that person. I would to like to think that I am the most important in my fiance's/husband's life, his No. 1, that he puts me above his friends, his job, his hobbies, his family even.

Everybody's relationship is different, if your spouse don't mind you having lots of friends of the opposite sex and exes, and spending hours talking to them then that is good for you. You are the lucky ones, you and your spouse are not irrational and insecure and have total confidence in each other.

I would be prepared to do that for the person in my life. I don't think it's such a big deal and, as you said, other relationships naturally tone down after you get married anyway. Why then risk losing the person you want to spend rest of your life with over this?

Personally, I would ask and if he refuses then I doubt the marriage will last.


Yen
 
Hi Yen,

I guess what I think is this:

1. I don't think that him having girl 'friends' and/or having conversations with them means his fiancee/upcoming marriage is not his priority. I agree, my DH is my priority, but that doesn't mean that I don't have friends/other people and things that I care about. If my DH needed me and a friend needed me, of course I would take care of my DH. I don't think anything in the OP post makes it seem this man is any different.

2. I understand and completely agree about making sacrifices for love. I just don't see how that really applies here. When she met this man presumably he had these relationships. If they were an issue to her I believe that she should have/would have told him then and he could make whatever sacrifice he felt was appropriate. To me, deciding at x point down the road is unfair to this man. SHe has already established a pattern of accepting these relationships. It seems wrong, to me, to ask him to change something that, evidently, was never a problem in the past.

3. I can understand how this whole situation would bother a lot of people, but, honestly, I think that if this would bother you upon engagement it probably would have always bothered you. Therefore, you wouldn't have ended up married to a person who has opposite sex friendships. Like I said in my prior post, by the time you get engaged it's safe to assume you know most things about the other person and that you love and accept that person for who they are. To ask them to change something about themselves is unfair. If this man wants to end his relationships with his girl friends then I think that's fine. But it should be his idea, not his fiancee's.

JMO
 
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