Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship Related
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RunninTeach
Cathlete
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...
I am absolutely on the same page with Wendy, Carola, Pippa, and TeTe and their expanded thoughts on this issue.
There is a big difference between prioritizing your relationships and terminating friendships altogether. Why does it have to be black and white? One poster said she gladly gave up her friends to spend all her time with her DH, and respectfully, I just don't get that. How does the abandoned friend feel in that situation? And I wonder what would happen if the happy couple divorced - would she then turn back to her former friends for support?
I'm not sure I understand why being married means having absolutely no room for other people, particularly longtime friends of either sex. There was a similar comment that one couple now only goes out in large groups or with another couple. Please, let's not treat single folks like they are lepers, or that they might leap on someone else's DH if given the opportunity.
As many have said (myself included), there is a distinction between one lengthy phone call in a time of need and frequent phone calls/time spent together.
I am absolutely on the same page with Wendy, Carola, Pippa, and TeTe and their expanded thoughts on this issue.
There is a big difference between prioritizing your relationships and terminating friendships altogether. Why does it have to be black and white? One poster said she gladly gave up her friends to spend all her time with her DH, and respectfully, I just don't get that. How does the abandoned friend feel in that situation? And I wonder what would happen if the happy couple divorced - would she then turn back to her former friends for support?
I'm not sure I understand why being married means having absolutely no room for other people, particularly longtime friends of either sex. There was a similar comment that one couple now only goes out in large groups or with another couple. Please, let's not treat single folks like they are lepers, or that they might leap on someone else's DH if given the opportunity.
As many have said (myself included), there is a distinction between one lengthy phone call in a time of need and frequent phone calls/time spent together.
Fit_mommy
Cathlete
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...
Ofcourse I am back with more thoughts on this topic. I am very passionate about my beliefs where this is concerned...like ya couldn't tell!
I am willing to sacrafice many things for true love. For example, I have always said that I would rather live in a cardboard box (meaning me flat broke) but be head over heels in love with my partner then to be rich but in a so-so marriage. My friendships, though, are just not one of those things I am willing to give up. I am sorry. I just won't do it. My friends are a part of my life that is just as important to me as my marriage. I love my friends with all of my heart...sure, it's on a different level...but it's LOVE and you do not drop someone you love just to satisfy the insecurities of another. I don't care who the other person is. My friendships are long-standing and totally innocent. My DH knows this. There are no issues. If he didn't understand and couldn't deal, then like another person said...he would not be my DH b/c he would not have been "the right one" for me. It's that simple.
Sure, activities and time spent talking to and socializing with friends will naturally calm down once you are in a committed relationship, engaged or married simply because there needs to be time for you and your partner BUT this is not the same thing to me as "sacraficing" a friendship for your relationship. There is a BIG difference as far as I see it and it's not something I am willing to do.
When I was in highschool I was jealous and insecure. I would ditch my girlfriends constantly in order to always hang out with my boyfriend at the time. I never wanted him to hang out with his friends with out me-and these weren't even girls! These were GUYS!!! We got into countless arguments over it and I lost pretty much each and every one of them because he would go out with his friends anyway. Looking back, he was not trying to be mean and cruel to me. He was not purposely choosing his friends over me. It's that he wanted to and had the right to spend time with his friends w/o me whining, complaining or trying to tag along all of the time. Sure I got to hang out with them also but it couldn't be every time. Back then I didn't understand that. Now I do! In highschool we were both much more immature so things weren't at the same level as they are now ofcourse but it's still the very same idea. I am also very lucky that my best girlfriend at the time didn't ditch me right back for the way I would ditch her at times for my boyfriend. When I stopped acting like that and realized how stupid I was being I vowed never to do that again and I won't!
That very experience is also part of why I am the way I am today. I am not a jealous and protective person. Life is too short to worry about that cr@p as far as I am concerned. As long as I am getting the "attention" I deserve from my significant other and as long he is fullfilling his family obligations (if any exist depending upon the situation) then there is no reason he shouldn't be able to have nights with friends...guys, gals, whatever the case may be...and ofcourse...the same goes for me.
Gosh, ya just can't shut me up on this topic, can ya? :7
Ofcourse I am back with more thoughts on this topic. I am very passionate about my beliefs where this is concerned...like ya couldn't tell!
I am willing to sacrafice many things for true love. For example, I have always said that I would rather live in a cardboard box (meaning me flat broke) but be head over heels in love with my partner then to be rich but in a so-so marriage. My friendships, though, are just not one of those things I am willing to give up. I am sorry. I just won't do it. My friends are a part of my life that is just as important to me as my marriage. I love my friends with all of my heart...sure, it's on a different level...but it's LOVE and you do not drop someone you love just to satisfy the insecurities of another. I don't care who the other person is. My friendships are long-standing and totally innocent. My DH knows this. There are no issues. If he didn't understand and couldn't deal, then like another person said...he would not be my DH b/c he would not have been "the right one" for me. It's that simple.
Sure, activities and time spent talking to and socializing with friends will naturally calm down once you are in a committed relationship, engaged or married simply because there needs to be time for you and your partner BUT this is not the same thing to me as "sacraficing" a friendship for your relationship. There is a BIG difference as far as I see it and it's not something I am willing to do.
When I was in highschool I was jealous and insecure. I would ditch my girlfriends constantly in order to always hang out with my boyfriend at the time. I never wanted him to hang out with his friends with out me-and these weren't even girls! These were GUYS!!! We got into countless arguments over it and I lost pretty much each and every one of them because he would go out with his friends anyway. Looking back, he was not trying to be mean and cruel to me. He was not purposely choosing his friends over me. It's that he wanted to and had the right to spend time with his friends w/o me whining, complaining or trying to tag along all of the time. Sure I got to hang out with them also but it couldn't be every time. Back then I didn't understand that. Now I do! In highschool we were both much more immature so things weren't at the same level as they are now ofcourse but it's still the very same idea. I am also very lucky that my best girlfriend at the time didn't ditch me right back for the way I would ditch her at times for my boyfriend. When I stopped acting like that and realized how stupid I was being I vowed never to do that again and I won't!
That very experience is also part of why I am the way I am today. I am not a jealous and protective person. Life is too short to worry about that cr@p as far as I am concerned. As long as I am getting the "attention" I deserve from my significant other and as long he is fullfilling his family obligations (if any exist depending upon the situation) then there is no reason he shouldn't be able to have nights with friends...guys, gals, whatever the case may be...and ofcourse...the same goes for me.
Gosh, ya just can't shut me up on this topic, can ya?
:7RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...
Wendy,
>When I was in highschool I was jealous and insecure. I would
>ditch my girlfriends constantly in order to always hang out
>with my boyfriend at the time. I never wanted him to hang out
>with his friends with out me-and these weren't even girls!
>These were GUYS!!! We got into countless arguments over it and
>I lost pretty much each and every one of them because he would
>go out with his friends anyway. Looking back, he was not
>trying to be mean and cruel to me. He was not purposely
>choosing his friends over me. It's that he wanted to and had
>the right to spend time with his friends w/o me whining,
>complaining or trying to tag along all of the time. Sure I
>got to hang out with them also but it couldn't be every time.
>Back then I didn't understand that. Now I do! In highschool
>we were both much more immature so things weren't at the same
>level as they are now ofcourse but it's still the very same
>idea. I am also very lucky that my best girlfriend at the
>time didn't ditch me right back for the way I would ditch her
>at times for my boyfriend. When I stopped acting like that
>and realized how stupid I was being I vowed never to do that
>again and I won't!
I know exactly what you are talking about here. I have never ignored my friends for a boyfriend, but I've had a couple of friends who ignored me once they got a girlfriend/boyfriend or got married. I thought of them as weak and utterly pathetic!!!! I really do. I don't know if they did it because their wives or gilfriends told them to or they decided for themselves. Whichever, it was no great loss to me, I can always find other friends. On the other hand, I've witnessed men who spend far too much time socialising with their friends and their girlfriends/boyfriends or wives/husbands feel neglected (it's usually men for some reason).
I said in my messages that compare to what other would do for their marriage, asking the fiance to spend less time with his friends was not unreasonable. And if he is not willing to do that then I doubt that he is ready for marriage.
In this particular instance, I can just about see why the fiance feels the way she does. They have not been together for that long, less than a year, before he proposed. Before that she was probably not expecting a long term commitment, maybe she thought they were just boyfriend and girlfriend, and maybe they weren't living together and she didn't noticed how much time he was spending chatting to his friends. When he proposed, that changed the perspective of the relationship, it is moving on to the next stage of commitment, family, living together etc. Now her expectations are higher, she wants more of his time to plan the wedding, honeymoon, buy a house etc. I could be wrong in my assumptions. What do you think Rose? What was their relationship like up to this point?
Yen
Wendy,
>When I was in highschool I was jealous and insecure. I would
>ditch my girlfriends constantly in order to always hang out
>with my boyfriend at the time. I never wanted him to hang out
>with his friends with out me-and these weren't even girls!
>These were GUYS!!! We got into countless arguments over it and
>I lost pretty much each and every one of them because he would
>go out with his friends anyway. Looking back, he was not
>trying to be mean and cruel to me. He was not purposely
>choosing his friends over me. It's that he wanted to and had
>the right to spend time with his friends w/o me whining,
>complaining or trying to tag along all of the time. Sure I
>got to hang out with them also but it couldn't be every time.
>Back then I didn't understand that. Now I do! In highschool
>we were both much more immature so things weren't at the same
>level as they are now ofcourse but it's still the very same
>idea. I am also very lucky that my best girlfriend at the
>time didn't ditch me right back for the way I would ditch her
>at times for my boyfriend. When I stopped acting like that
>and realized how stupid I was being I vowed never to do that
>again and I won't!
I know exactly what you are talking about here. I have never ignored my friends for a boyfriend, but I've had a couple of friends who ignored me once they got a girlfriend/boyfriend or got married. I thought of them as weak and utterly pathetic!!!! I really do. I don't know if they did it because their wives or gilfriends told them to or they decided for themselves. Whichever, it was no great loss to me, I can always find other friends. On the other hand, I've witnessed men who spend far too much time socialising with their friends and their girlfriends/boyfriends or wives/husbands feel neglected (it's usually men for some reason).
I said in my messages that compare to what other would do for their marriage, asking the fiance to spend less time with his friends was not unreasonable. And if he is not willing to do that then I doubt that he is ready for marriage.
In this particular instance, I can just about see why the fiance feels the way she does. They have not been together for that long, less than a year, before he proposed. Before that she was probably not expecting a long term commitment, maybe she thought they were just boyfriend and girlfriend, and maybe they weren't living together and she didn't noticed how much time he was spending chatting to his friends. When he proposed, that changed the perspective of the relationship, it is moving on to the next stage of commitment, family, living together etc. Now her expectations are higher, she wants more of his time to plan the wedding, honeymoon, buy a house etc. I could be wrong in my assumptions. What do you think Rose? What was their relationship like up to this point?
Yen