Would you be upset?
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candi
Cathlete
"I'm shocked by women who don't seem to mind pornography. I can only guess that you don't mind being degraded or thought of as merely an object for sexual gratification."
This is the comment I think is judgmental and insulting.
It would be like saying to the ones that do mind porn:
"I'm shocked by women who seem to mind pornography. I can only guess that you are uneducated, unenlightened, frumpy prudes who think that sex is only procreation in a bedroom with all the lights off."
No one who took an analytical viewpoint in order to help bared their teeth and insulted a member who was sensitive about porn. But, it seems if the viewpoint is neutral or different, it's okay to slam that opinion. Whether it's the majority or minority of the opinions, insults are unnecessary and give way to hard feelings. We are not children here, we're adults so let's act like it.
I'm just saying....
This is the comment I think is judgmental and insulting.
It would be like saying to the ones that do mind porn:
"I'm shocked by women who seem to mind pornography. I can only guess that you are uneducated, unenlightened, frumpy prudes who think that sex is only procreation in a bedroom with all the lights off."
No one who took an analytical viewpoint in order to help bared their teeth and insulted a member who was sensitive about porn. But, it seems if the viewpoint is neutral or different, it's okay to slam that opinion. Whether it's the majority or minority of the opinions, insults are unnecessary and give way to hard feelings. We are not children here, we're adults so let's act like it.
I'm just saying....
Jacque1038
Cathlete
Whether or not porn is "okay" or you have a "right to be upset" is a personal issue. Maybe if you talk it over with your DH he will stop because maybe he did not know it was a big deal to you. Everyone had their own expectations of what is okay and what is not. I doubt he thought it was going to be a big deal to you because I assume he knew you would see the cable bill.
However be careful. My X had a thing with watching porn online. I did not care for it but he kept sneaking it behind my back. Then one day I stumbled on some pornographic pictures a women took of herself and sent him. I am not a snooper but you better believe I did some snooping after that. Well the porn was just the tip of the iceberg. Based off the conversations and other things I discovered it seemed to me that he had this whole world he lived in online. He even had a membership to some site that was designed for people that just want to "hook up" for lack of a better term. I ended the relationship and never looked back.
However be careful. My X had a thing with watching porn online. I did not care for it but he kept sneaking it behind my back. Then one day I stumbled on some pornographic pictures a women took of herself and sent him. I am not a snooper but you better believe I did some snooping after that. Well the porn was just the tip of the iceberg. Based off the conversations and other things I discovered it seemed to me that he had this whole world he lived in online. He even had a membership to some site that was designed for people that just want to "hook up" for lack of a better term. I ended the relationship and never looked back.
allwildgirl
Cathlete
"...sex is only procreation in a bedroom with all the lights off."
You mean... you mean.... IT ISN'T???? *gasp*
You mean... you mean.... IT ISN'T???? *gasp*
My opinion...in the end it will always be what YOU are comfortable with. I agree with not attacking your husband. I don't know if you've ever had a conversation about this subject before and that will tell more about how to handle this. 3 weeks in a row does not mean its an addiction. If it was excessive and hidden for a long time than sure. I would be more upset over the money and suggest he bought a dvd to watch. Porn had nothing to do with your looks so please don't take it personally. I suggest calming talking about it and finding out just how often he views it and how it makes you feel and what your boundaries are in regards to this. Maybe this has brought to light an insecurity you have if your dislike of it is not for religious/moral reasons. In any relationship, issues come about where you will find out more about your partner and yourself. Good luck and try to keep an open mind.
lesliemarie
Cathlete
Looking at porn may not be that big of a deal, but to me I think it is bad, Porn starts of innocently, but it is so addicting, and porn can lead to other things. My dad was into porn, in those days it was playboy and things, he was molesting me and talking about sending my nude pictures into the magazine, I was only 14, so to me Porn is very bad, my son's friend is into porn big time and now my son is being investigated for child porn for what this kid did. So to some Porn is not that big of a deal if once in a while, but others are very addicted to it and it leads to crimes.
GreenEyedLefty
Cathlete
To answer your question, I don't know that I'd be all that upset. I suppose waiting until I was gone to order the movies might bug me, though. DH and I have been through a lot in our 10 years together, so it would take a lot to rock the boat.
That said, your feelings are what they are - they are valid, and it's not our place to minimize them.
Good luck to you!
That said, your feelings are what they are - they are valid, and it's not our place to minimize them.
Good luck to you!
JeanneMarie
Cathlete
I think the issue here is more that he did it on the sly, rather that what he was doing specifically. If it was "okay" to view the porn, then why did he do it behind your back? THAT is the big red flag in my opinion.
upperwests
Cathlete
Yes, I would be upset, but I don't think you should take this personally or become insecure.....it has nothing do with how you look or how fit you are. First of all, I totally admire your honesty!! I do think you should discuss this with him...I wouldn't cancel the cable, etc. as though he were a 16 year old teenager. Let him know how it makes you feel. Let him know that you see it as disrespectful to you. But, please know that it has NOTHING do with your sexuality, fitness, etc. Yes, it would be wonderful if all husbands NEVER wanted to look at another naked woman!!!! I wish my husband didn't even want to glance at beautiful woman walking down the street!!!! Please don't freak out....., be honest with your husband about your feelings and see what happens.
maddiesmum
Cathlete
I think you need to think clearly about why exactly you are upset.
You seem to be angry on three different levels: one financially, another is the whole issue of pornography and how his interest in it affects your self esteem, and the third is the secretiveness issue.
Think carefully before you discuss this with him. If you are trying to save for large purchases and you have agreed between you on saving money, then his spending outrageous sums on pay-to-view is not justified.
The fact that he spent this money behind your back speaks to the issue of trust and deceit. You'll have tothink about how you want to handle this: do you ever hide things from him? If you do, tread carefully. If you don't, then ask him why he does.
But, what really seems to have upset you is how you feel about pornography. Are you clear in your mind about how you feel about it? You cannot tie your sense of self esteem in to your husband's consumption of pornography. You cannot keep working out only to make yourself attractive to him. This is not going to lead to a happy sense of self for you and is not good motivation for maintaining fitness in the long run. You should work out for yourself and to maintain good mental, emotional and physical health.
Why does his viewing porn movies upset you so much? It does not follow automatically that he is less interested in you sexually. It does not necessarily imply that he is immoral or exploits women through watching porn. After all, if you pick up any sex manual you will read advice to couples to watch porn together to stimulate their love life. That being the case, is it wrong to watch it on your own?
I think that what is interesting about porn is how it plays into and satisfies our fantasy life and sexual fantasies. Many women read romance novels, and there are some pretty raunchy ones in the genre, for the same reasons and needs. Are we then to say that they shouldn't because it is wrong to have a sexual fantasy life, one that may exclude or only partially include a spouse/partner? Men are visual creatures. Their desire to watch porn can be seen as the equivalent of women's desire to read erotic literature, for the power of suggestion, for titillation. But does it really mean that they value their spouses less? Maybe. But not necessarily.
The only problem with sexual fantasy is if it creates a disjunction between a person's real life and sexual fantasy life. If the fantasy should become more appealing than the reality, or make us disatissfied with the reality, then it becomes problematic.
I believe I would tackle the discussion on these levels: 1) if there was an agreement to save money, then why is he spending it so wastefully?, 2) why does he find it necessary to be so secretive?, 3) how does he feel about the sexual fantasy of porn versus the reality of his own sex life and rerlationship with you.
But one thing is clear: your self esteem ("working out to look good for him") should not be tied to whether or not he watches pornographic films. His fantasy needs or desire to watch porn films have nothing to do with you, in my opinion. If it is a problem at all, it is his problem.
Hope this provides food for thought,
Clare
You seem to be angry on three different levels: one financially, another is the whole issue of pornography and how his interest in it affects your self esteem, and the third is the secretiveness issue.
Think carefully before you discuss this with him. If you are trying to save for large purchases and you have agreed between you on saving money, then his spending outrageous sums on pay-to-view is not justified.
The fact that he spent this money behind your back speaks to the issue of trust and deceit. You'll have tothink about how you want to handle this: do you ever hide things from him? If you do, tread carefully. If you don't, then ask him why he does.
But, what really seems to have upset you is how you feel about pornography. Are you clear in your mind about how you feel about it? You cannot tie your sense of self esteem in to your husband's consumption of pornography. You cannot keep working out only to make yourself attractive to him. This is not going to lead to a happy sense of self for you and is not good motivation for maintaining fitness in the long run. You should work out for yourself and to maintain good mental, emotional and physical health.
Why does his viewing porn movies upset you so much? It does not follow automatically that he is less interested in you sexually. It does not necessarily imply that he is immoral or exploits women through watching porn. After all, if you pick up any sex manual you will read advice to couples to watch porn together to stimulate their love life. That being the case, is it wrong to watch it on your own?
I think that what is interesting about porn is how it plays into and satisfies our fantasy life and sexual fantasies. Many women read romance novels, and there are some pretty raunchy ones in the genre, for the same reasons and needs. Are we then to say that they shouldn't because it is wrong to have a sexual fantasy life, one that may exclude or only partially include a spouse/partner? Men are visual creatures. Their desire to watch porn can be seen as the equivalent of women's desire to read erotic literature, for the power of suggestion, for titillation. But does it really mean that they value their spouses less? Maybe. But not necessarily.
The only problem with sexual fantasy is if it creates a disjunction between a person's real life and sexual fantasy life. If the fantasy should become more appealing than the reality, or make us disatissfied with the reality, then it becomes problematic.
I believe I would tackle the discussion on these levels: 1) if there was an agreement to save money, then why is he spending it so wastefully?, 2) why does he find it necessary to be so secretive?, 3) how does he feel about the sexual fantasy of porn versus the reality of his own sex life and rerlationship with you.
But one thing is clear: your self esteem ("working out to look good for him") should not be tied to whether or not he watches pornographic films. His fantasy needs or desire to watch porn films have nothing to do with you, in my opinion. If it is a problem at all, it is his problem.
Hope this provides food for thought,
Clare
carolynjane
Cathlete
First, let me say that yes, I would be very upset if I were you.
But, on another note, I have to ask how your husband would feel knowing that you shared personal information about a problem in your marriage and that today 1,260 people have read about it and more than 50 have weighed in with their opinion - all before you have even discussed it with him.
I believe that what happens in a marriage is a private matter between two people. I think in this day and age we are too quick to run out and share private marital information and try to gather "ammunition" to prove that we are right and our spouse is wrong.
I would bet that if he finds out you posted this on this site, he is going to be just as upset with you as you are with him.
But, on another note, I have to ask how your husband would feel knowing that you shared personal information about a problem in your marriage and that today 1,260 people have read about it and more than 50 have weighed in with their opinion - all before you have even discussed it with him.
I believe that what happens in a marriage is a private matter between two people. I think in this day and age we are too quick to run out and share private marital information and try to gather "ammunition" to prove that we are right and our spouse is wrong.
I would bet that if he finds out you posted this on this site, he is going to be just as upset with you as you are with him.
I would be VERY upset if I found out what you did. But one of the things I like about this discussion is that we all can discuss our opinions without arguing. All of the posters certainly have given you all kinds of views on the subject that you can think about and decide what is best for you!
Ellen
Ellen
>But, on another note, I have to ask how your husband would
>feel knowing that you shared personal information about a
>problem in your marriage and that today 1,260 people have read
>about it and more than 50 have weighed in with their opinion -
>all before you have even discussed it with him.
Um, let's not forget the ANONYMOUS part of the forum. And please explain how this guilt-inducing commentary from you in any way helpful for the original poster? How was she seeking "ammunition" against her spouse? She asked for opinions on whether or not her FEELINGS were valid. (Sheesh. Where is the eye-rolling anti-smilie when you need it?)
>feel knowing that you shared personal information about a
>problem in your marriage and that today 1,260 people have read
>about it and more than 50 have weighed in with their opinion -
>all before you have even discussed it with him.
Um, let's not forget the ANONYMOUS part of the forum. And please explain how this guilt-inducing commentary from you in any way helpful for the original poster? How was she seeking "ammunition" against her spouse? She asked for opinions on whether or not her FEELINGS were valid. (Sheesh. Where is the eye-rolling anti-smilie when you need it?)
Okay I really didn't want to post here, but I knew if I didn't it would eat me up. My point has nothing to do with the porn or whether it is right or wrong. What I would like to say although I think there are some really cool people here, and although I post every now and then, there are still alot of things most of the people don't know about me. For instance they don't know where my morality lies or if my religion influences the decisions I make or how I grew up or what I was taught, mainly most do not know these things about me that play such a big part in facing a situation like this. I know this is a great place to get advice and seek wisdom, but at the same time you could be in a situation where you are seeking advise from people completely different than you. I mean it could be like Hugh Hefner seeking advise from Jerry Fallwell on playboy (please no rude comments)! My whole point is if you are not sure what to do, talk to someone that really knows and understands who you are as a person. If you don't have that, I am so deeply sorry. I know life is sometimes hard and what is right can sometimes seem confusing, but I think the best advise given is you have to find in yourself what the right answer is to your situation. I really hope for the best for you!
On a side note I really did not intend to offend anyone and if I did I apologize in advance.
Kelli
On a side note I really did not intend to offend anyone and if I did I apologize in advance.
Kelli
I think a one on one discussion with your husband is appropriate here. Ask him about the movies, reiterate the money situation, and talk the whole thing through.
Porn is not a big deal, unless you make it one. The overwhelming majority of men like porn.............the percentage of women who realize that fact and accept it is significantly less.
Porn is not a big deal, unless you make it one. The overwhelming majority of men like porn.............the percentage of women who realize that fact and accept it is significantly less.
gidget1978
Cathlete
I wouldn't be overly upset about the porn,although I would wonder why he would order them and I would ask. But with my Dh it would be a laughing matter for him b/c he doesn't get anything out of it...or so he says
But if money were tight, that would be a different topic all together! I would diffently fly off of the handle, no doubt.
With us, its not porn, its his $200 cell phone bill this month! Honest to God, a women never talked on the phone as much. His friends don't even call the house anymore, they just call his phone! It boils my blood to no end.
Lori
But if money were tight, that would be a different topic all together! I would diffently fly off of the handle, no doubt.
With us, its not porn, its his $200 cell phone bill this month! Honest to God, a women never talked on the phone as much. His friends don't even call the house anymore, they just call his phone! It boils my blood to no end.
Lori