Why are people so discouraging about motherhood?

F

Fitnik

Cathlete
I am finding people so negative about children in general! I am having to unexpectedly bring my son up on my own since DH and I separated and it is incredibly challenging but I am so grateful for my little Max. Yet if I say that I am coping with working full time and being a single parent family, people are so quick to say, “Just you wait till he starts….” Then they say teething, or talking, or until he’s a teenager etc.. They can rarely just say “well done, you are doing a great job looking after Max on your own.”

There are far too many discouragers generally and I find it so disheartening. I have several friends expecting babies at the moment and am always careful to be encouraging rather than negative when they ask me what it’s like. Yet when I was pregnant, the vast majority of people were so negative all the time! It really gets me down :-(

Has anyone else experienced this? Why are people like this? Isn’t life too short to waste so much energy being so negative?
 
I have noticed the same thing! Everyone now notices my big 35 week belly and insists on telling me their labor horror stories ("I was in labor 22 hours and thought I was going to DIE") or saying "You're in for a BIG change!" or something similar.

I think it is their way to feel better about themselves. Mothers with a higher self-esteem tend to be more positive with their stories. People who want to pump themSELVES up tend to say negative things to prove to me that they accomplished something. I think it's just their personalities! Good for you for being the better person and staying positive! Don't let the negativity get you down-

Lisa
 
just for you, here's my labor story - four hours of labor, pushed for ten minutes and I did it with no medication/epidural. And I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight at my six week checkup. So there!!

And yes, parenthood is hard but it is an amazing thing to live your life so unselfishly and with such love. Sometimes I think the people who complain so much are the people who try to keep things like they were before - house spotless, yard spotless, dry clean clothes, everything scheduled. Since becoming a parent I've relaxed soooooo much my husband just loves it. When you're not stressing about other things you can actually enjoy your little person. The house, yard, schedules, perfect clothes can wait.
 
Hi Fitnik,

I think Lisa hit the nail on the head. Negative people need to bring other people down in order to pump themselves up. Don't let them get to you. I think another reason some people focus on the negative is because it sounds so much more dramatic to drone on and on about bad stuff than to just say "hey, life is good!"

Hang in there. It sounds like your positive attitude will be a great influence on little Max. :)
 
Fitnik,
Girl, I was just having this conversation with my girlfriend today. I know what you are talking about I'm having a little girl next month and I'm single. Some of the comments I have received have been mind blowing things like "I want to talk to you about having this baby, it's so expensive is the father involved, is he helping you out" being the nice person I am I say just enough not to be rude. But I really want to tell them to mind there own damn business.

I work in a real estate office and I'm getting my license. I've had some agents say to me "how are you going to sell real estate with a baby" people are so negative. I think they expect me to be down and not happy about my child wrong answer. It really frustrates me the comments I get. "It's so hard to raise kids, breastfeeding really hurts" on and on it goes. I've even told people. "You know millions of women before me have done this I'm sure I'll be ok" and they kind of look at me like I'm being a smart ass and I am. Luckily for me I'm a very positive person and I know I can do anything I set my mind to. This is not the end of the world by no means. Stay postive, and focused and tune those toxic waste people out LOL they will drain you if you let them.


Shanda






Shanda
 
Got some negative responses when I told acquaintances about my impending 3rd birth...including "Oh...I'm sorry! ha ha! " as a sort of "joke". Yeah right. Later realized it was from folks that wanted to have another but couldn't for various reasons. I've tried to be understanding as I've had negative stuff fly out of my mouth in the past before I realized I was trying to further my own insecurities/agenda.

Still, very irritating and hurtful. Probably they are just trying to show comeraderie in a twisted way about how they know what you might be going through. Good for you for staying positive to your friends who are expecting...I am always aware of trying not to give advice unless asked (a pet peeve). Something I always used to do.

Jen
 
I am so glad I am not the only one who notices the negative comments regarding motherhood. I thought I was just being sensitive. Lets see... when I was pregnant I heard "your in shape now but just wait until after the baby"..."just wait until the hormones kick in you'll become unbearable"... "just wait until the end of your pregnancy when you swell and are miserable"... “just wait until labor".... etc. Well, I wasn’t back to my prepregnancy weight as quickly as JCM but I was there by 6 months (I was within 10 pounds at 6 weeks and hung on to the extra pounds until I stopped nursing and then it came off in one month). Pregnancy mellowed me so I was never moody (I know I was lucky). I was never miserable... in fact I loved being pregnant and wasn't ready to start sharing my baby. :) And, for me labor was a breeze. I had contractions for about 13 hours, but they were mild. I went to the hospital because my membranes ruptured and was complete and pushing 45 minutes after I arrived at the hospital. I feel really sorry for the people who view parenting so negatively. I enjoy every moment with my daughter. Rosie O'Donnell said that when she became a mother, “it was if color seeped into a world that had been black and white. And I didn’t know it was black and white until the color was added”. That just about sums it up for me.

It can be discouraging, but just look at your little one's face when you get down. You'll be reminded of the great job you are doing and the blessing it is to be a parent.
 
>Rosie O'Donnell said that when she became a mother, “it was if color seeped into a world that had been black and white. And I didn’t know it was black and white until the color was added”.

WHAT A GREAT QUOTE!!
 
Yes, there ar many people who are negative about children in general. I think many people consider children to be a burden instead of a blessing - I feel sorry for the children of the parents who consider them a burden instead of the blessing they really are.

You see, I have ten children, yes, they are all from me and my husband, no yours, mine and ours. So, you can just imagine the responses that I have gotten over the years from very rude people. They are really so numerous I could never share them all. But one in partiular stands out.

My sisters mother in law asked me one time when I was pregnant with my 6th - Don't you think you already have too many children? My response to her was - "Which one do you suggest I get rid of?" She looked at me with horror and didn't even comment. Well, she never commented again even though I went on to have four more children.

People tell me that I am crazy - but that I don't look like someone who has ten children because I do look sane and I am not "fat" - one other time when someone was critical - I said "Now, if I had 10 Mercedes in my garage you would think WOW and would be impressed, well, I think my children are all worth more than 100 million dollars each - "

I love children and they do last a life time and they give us a lifetime of memories to cherish - they teach us what is important in life - money cannot buy love - but your children will give you lots of love and happiness. Sure as they get older they do give some heartache too but that is such a short time then it gets better again.

I do not regret having any of my children - and I LOVED being pregnant. I had all natural births (no pain medication) - and I would do it all over again! I don't look at my children and think gee it was such a pain to have you - I am amazed that I have been able to look upon their faces and see the wonder of participating in their creation!

So good luck to all you pregnant mothers, enjoy it and kiss and love those sweet smelling bundles of JOY!!!!

Cheryl
 
Cheryl, what a wonderful response. You truly are an inspiration. And you obviously love your kids very much! How old are they now?
 
I agree with Stebby, you are an inspiration! Isn't it sad that people are more impressed with material things??? I struggled with finding "my purpose" in life, but the moment I became a mother I knew what I was on this earth for. It sounds simple, but it is truly how I feel. None of my other accomplishments compare. I would have a dozen if my body would cooperate. :)
 
Stebby,

My children are 29, 25, 19, 16, 13, 11, 8, 6, 5, and 2. I know that is a big span - I have been a mom for almost 30 years, now. My oldest daughter will be 30 this year, yet. So, as you can see, I have dealt with all ages and continue to deal with all ages and they all have their specialness with that particular age.

I have learned to cherish the little ones innocence and total honesty since I know that can change. But I must say there is nothing like a baby - they are absolutely awesome.

My oldest son, 25, was hit by a car last April and has a traumatic brain injury - so we will have to take care of him for the rest of our lives, but this is part of parenting. As you can see parenting never ends. No matter how old they are, they will always be our children. So, we have 8 children at home and I home school 6 of them, which I have been doing for 10 years.

I have 3 girls and 7 boys. My last five have been boys. I think boys are a handful when they are younger, but girls tend to be a little harder as teenagers. But they definitely all have their own personalities!

Thank you for the interest and not being negative about it.

Cheryl
 
Cheryl..........good answer. I was going to get on and discuss the reason's we don't value children in our society, but I believe that would be a hot topic. Thanks so much for sharing your story, we have many friends that have 10-12 children, yes probably about 7 different families that we are very close to and they all answer the same, which one would you not want to be here. They have the most kind, well-behaved and content children...... and we can have some awesome soccer/baseball games when we get together.:) :) :) :) Thanks for sharing!!

Briee
 
Cheryl,
I think large families are beautiful. You are truly an inspiration. I can barely handle the one child I have on some days! (My son has moderate autism so things aren't exactly typical around here). But still many people have a lot more responsibility than me and they are handling it beautifully like yourself. The fact that you're so optimistic to have so much responsibility is amazing. I hope your son recovers as much as possible. Your family is so lucky to have you as their mother.

By the way, I liked your comment about the mercedes. I don't think there is anything more boring in this entire world than automobiles.

Lisa
 
I think people definitely say these discouraging things to feel better about themselves. I am so fed up of it. There are a couple of secretaries at work who apparently prefer their pets to children and vehemently defend this - each to their own I guess.

My son has brought me so much joy it is indescribable! For the first time in my life I know what unconditional love is. I have been blessed with a baby who thrives on a set routine yet people are quick to discourage even this and have been telling me this will all change when….he starts teething (which he has and still sleeps 12 hours), starts nursery, WHATEVER.

It is not easy being a single parent but somehow I am getting by and enjoying my time with Max. I just wish people could be more sensitive with their silly comments.

And LHK, I was in labour for 24 hours and yes it was painful but durable. Once I held Max I was elated and literally forgot the intensity of the pain. I am struggling now to remember what it was like at the time, although I remember it was painful. And, for me, breast feeding was an absolute joy - it doesn’t have to hurt and there is nothing like feeding your child with your own milk. If it doesn’t work out, that’s fine too. I bottle feed my son now and that’s still an intimate experience and he locks eyes with me every time.

And, Shanda, it is possible to work and be a single parent and still have time for you and have a life in general. I am doing it and never thought I would cope yet I am and still manage to be happy a lot of the time. I have been on my own for nearly a year so am used to it I guess. No matter how tired I am picking up my son from day care at the end of the day, I still find giving him his bath and final feed incredibly therapeutic. So, you go girl and ignore the naysayers! You are right when you say these people will drain you if you let them. I am learning to let the comments bounce off me but it is not easy.

Autumn - I too was told I would lose my looks and figure after the baby yet was back to my pre pregnancy weight within 4 weeks. Then people said I would gain weight breastfeeding, during maternity leave, with sleepless nights etc.. Now the naysayers say that I’ll definitely be huge if I have a second baby or that I must be naturally slim! It’s unbelievable! I think even if I had 10 children and they were all happy and balanced I would get comments. *Sigh*

Cheryl - LOL! Good for you answering your sis’s MIL in that way - she deserved it! And I applaud you for having these precious gifts. I would definitely like more children although maybe not 10 J

It has been very interesting reading all your posts - and inspiring!
 
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