Why are people intimidated by me?

dss62467

dss62467

Cathlete
OK, some of you know how tiny I am. 5'0" tall, 104 lbs. You've seen my pictures, I'm reasonably friendly looking don't you think? I say hello to everyone with a smile, I joke around a lot with my coworkers. So why do I hear over and over that so-and-so is afraid of me?

My assistant is leaving for a great new job opportunity. I'm very happy for her because she's way too talented for the job she has now. I've been nudging her since she got her Master's degree to get the heck out of here. There is another girl in another department who I like very much. I'm friendly to her and have joked around with her, or so I thought. This girl is thinking about applying for the job opening. She would be GREAT because she's in Payroll and that department works hand-in-hand with mine. I know she's very thorough and knowledgeable. She's got a great personality and I know she would be good at catching all the things that I miss. (I, on the other hand, have a tendency to overlook things because I focus more on the "big picture" instead of the small details).

I came in to work today after being off yesterday and asked my leaving assistant if the other girl has expressed interest in the job. She told me that she has come down to talk about it, but said she thought I hate her! Of course, my assistant kind of laughed and told her that wasn't true and that I actually like her very much.

I'm going to chalk some of it up to the fact she's only 23 years old and is still developing her confidence. But I can't put all the blame there. I've heard several times over the years that I'm intimidating and it blows my mind!

Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can change the way people perceive me? I'm not a big socializer, I tend to spend a lot of time in my office. If you walk in while I'm thinking, I'm sure my eyes unintentionally shoot daggers when I turn around. Also, if I look as much like my mother as I think I do, when I'm not smiling, I kind of looked pissed. I don't want to walk around with a stupid grin on my face all day!

Oh people-who-are-perpetually-bubbly...how do you do it?
 
Are you allowed to recruit the woman for this job? If so, make the first move. Tell her how much you are interested in her for this position, take her to lunch or something and use that as an opportunity to discuss expectations and work styles.

By the way, I am tiny as well (4'11") and I used to have software engineers shaking in their boots when I was managing software projects. I was really puzzled until someone told me that my normal facial expression was "kind of grouchy". I tried to smile more but I'm not the bubbly type either. I did try not to be so serious about everything.

--Lois

"Don't forget to breathe!"
 
I'm not tiny. I'm 5'6" and I wear heels, so I look taller. But I get the same thing. Intimidating. My friend's sister said I was the "most intimidating woman she'd ever met". I think it's for the same reason. I think it's that when I'm not aware of it, my facial expression is NOT perky:p I've had people say "boy, what are you so ticked off about?" when I'm perfectly happy.

I dunno. Maybe we have to practice in front of a mirror.:)
 
People always yell at me to smile more. I'm sorry...I just can't sit there all day with a smile on my face for no reason! It's just not me! lol I have never been told I look intimidating but I have been told I tend to look mad because I don't smile enough...

~Wendy~

I smoked my last cigarette on March 17, 2004 at 10:00 pm!

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EDD: 05/19/05
 
Wendy - LOL! This reminds me of a girl I knew in high school who when she got her braces off, couldn't stop smiling for ANYTHING! It really creeped everyone out and we kept trying to get her to stop smiling but nothing worked. She looked bizarre.

Anyway, I get that a lot, too - I looked pissed off when I'm not. I'll just be thinking or have my mind on something and someone will say "WHAT'S WRONG??"

Angie
 
I think it has to do with eye contact and smiling (not a huge grin or anything) when someone is there. Try to make eye contact, smile and say "hi" to people when you see someone you know in the hallway. I think this will make a huge difference. :)

You don't have to walk around with a grin on your face all day. I don't walk around with a grin on my face all day, but when I come in I say "good morning" to my co-workers and I say hello with a smile. (Again, not a huge grin, but just a regular smile)

Good luck!
 
I guess i'm the opposite!! I'm short too... 5'2" and 109 lbs.
But i'm what i think is too easy going and friendly. I'm nice to everyone and i think it stems from my various job exposures while i was in college. I did everything from cleaning for people to making food and serving people.
Now i have a great job and just find i treat everyone like they are a friend. I always am smiling, and if i think i was unpleasant or unfriendly to anyone in anyway, even on the phone, i feel a heavy sense of guilt.

I don't know it maybe it is the way you are perceived by people? I know there are people i work with, or deal with otherwise that i always think " not going to approach that because it will probably mean trouble". And in reality, those are people i wouldn't apply for a job to work closer too either

I don't personally know your situation or you, but these are the things i think of when i think of "intimidating" people or people i would rather steer clear of.;-) ;)


Just my own person input!!
 
Well, you certainly can't help the natural expression of your face ;) I wouldn't think it would be reasonable to expect you to have a smile pasted to your face (unless your starring in Cathe's videos..) all day. I couldn't do that either. I agree w/ the others in that just try to pay attention to how you come across to others and just be more consciously aware of moods, facial expressions, etc. I hope that helps!

Debbie
 
Lois - There are no rules against me recruiting her for the job, but as a professional courtesy to her current supervisor I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it. Her current supervisor is also perceived as something she is not. When I came to this agency, people all talked about what a b-word she was and how unhelpful and blah, blah, blah. I spent a good part of my first year developing a relationship with her and her department so that we work very well together, and I find her to be very personable and helpful. Of course, when dealing with people like this...I find that if I go above and beyond to help them out as they need it, they warm-up and become great team-members.

Anyway, since I put so much energy into developing a good relationship with her supervisor, I don't want to seem like I'm trying to steal one of her better employees. She has a high turnover in her department and really depends on the good ones.

I hear the girl is coming to talk to me...so I'll just make sure she feels comfortable with me. I'm practicing my smiles right now!
 
Donna,

On this website, I find you very direct and to the point. That's not a bad thing, as a matter of fact it's a personality trait I appreciate very much, but many people find this trait intimidating especially when it comes in the form of an attractive petite woman.

Is my description of you accurate?
 
I would much rather scowl then smile all day..just hurts my face to be so fake when I like to be real which is scowl more while I feel completely happy inside! Weird, I know. I have the lines inbetween my eyebrows to prove it. LOL! I get people all the time, even my own parents tell me that I look mad when I am not.

Charlotte~~
 
Donna,
When I am relaxing I sort of have a frowny face. My mom does too, it's just the way it is.

I think I have a warmth about me. I always want people to feel at ease. Maybe I have a tiny bit of a people pleaser personality.

I think Dani is right. When you see a coworker in the hall smile, make eye contact. Most of the time you don't need a big toothy grin. I think a pleasant look on your face and a small smile is fine. Also, although it sounds corny, try "smiling with your eyes". It puts a pleasant, happy look on your face.

Also, try to give some sincere compliments. Try some vulnerability too if you aren't used to doing this. It sounds like you are in a management position so I don't know if your are comfortable doing this at work. But with close relationships it's nice to show that you are human too. I had a big problem with sometimes not showing any weakness. But when I express doubts or regular everyday frustrations, people are more receptive and view you as a warm person. Am I making sense? :)

Lori
 
If you're not bubbly that's ok. In fact nothing is worse than acting fake. Just be yourself, you don't have to walk with a grin on your face all the time. I agree with Dani's suggestions. Say good morning, good afternoon, see you later, thank you, have a nice weekend, etc. and make eye contact when you say these things (you don't have to smile if you don't want to), when you can help someone out offer your help and last but not least socialize with your coworkers. You say you spend a lot of time in your office and you don't socialize. Your coworkers won't know you if you don't let them and if they don't know you they're going to make all kinds of judgements. Try having lunch with your coworkers a couple of days a week, or go out for drinks after a stressful day. You don't have to go out with them on the weekends, but just try to spend more time knowing them and let them know you.

You cracked me up when you mentioned you look pissed like your mother when you're not smiling. I pretty much made a vow not to get that "relaxed" look that my mother has. I know that facial expressions get permanently tattoed in your face in the form of wrinkles and even when I'm doing the toughest Cathe workouts when I see Cathe and crew making all those faces I try to stay relaxed. I even say it out loud sometimes: "breathe, breathe, relax". Some people make really tough facial expressions when they're stressed out and they do this without knowing. You can see it on their foreheads, around the mouth etc. Some people even roll their eyes at others when they are stressed out, then the coworkers think that the person is mad all the time when in fact they're stressed out and they do these things automatically.

Try to stay relaxed. Find an area around you where you can take a couple of deep breaths when you need them. Think of something that makes you laugh when you're stressed out. Your face will automatically look relaxed and you'll get that sparkle in your eye. Finally, you have to take small steps. Don't do a 180 in one day, if you do people might think you're up to something. Isn't it weird that after all the crap we go through in high school we have to relive all that at work? Society will never change tsk tsk :p
 
I have this same problem. I think it really has to do more with other people and their self esteem. When I worked for a larger business people used to complain that I wouldn't say hi to them. I never understood this. So I am supposed to go around to everyone's cube and say hi to 50+ employees every day? NOT!

I am a hard worker and I spend a lot of time in my office, working! I think a lot people socialize a lot at work and expect others to do that as well, and when that doesn't occur, they personlize it. This has been a very difficult issue for me to get a handle on, and it truly bothers me that others perceive me as being "cold," or "moody." I don't think I am either, I am just at work to get my job done, not to be everyone's friend.

I am also forthright, and I will give my opinion in meetings, even if I disagree with the popular vote. I think people think that kind of strength of character is intimidating and I don't think it really has anything to do with size.
 
This is beyond you being intimidating. Somehow she got the idea in her head that you can't stand her. Sounds like a miscommunication somewhere along the way, which you can easily put right.

As far as you're intimidating people goes, I sense that you are very competent at your job, and a confident person. That, in and of itself, can be intimidating to people who don't have a lot of confidence. But I don't think there's anything wrong with it. As long as you're fair and pleasant, as you say you are, it's fine to be perceived as confident.
 
I am a "hall smiler" and greeter. So that's one reason it baffles me. She did come to my office this afternoon and I complimented her on her blouse (sincerely, because it was one I was checking out at the mall the other day).

I think that her just having a real conversation with me may have helped. I guess I'm just a person that's hard to get to know. It's the INFP in me.
 
Often times, people are intimidated by me as well. I have asked several peole about this and it turns out that it is because i give off this "i don't give a damn what you think of me" vibe and some people don't know how to deal with that. I don't necessarily find this to be a bad thing. I don't intentionally exude this vibe, but i can't deny that it is true, so i don't go out of my way to correct it either. Do you give off vibes?

Aloof-ness can be intimidating to some people....are you aloof at work? When i was in the workforce i was accused of being very aloof, but i was just not into socializing and wanted to do my job well. I was there to work.

Also, you being intimidating could have nothing to do with your personality, but your position within the company.....if you are a "higher-up" that in itself intimidates some people.

jes:D
 
I think you are doing everything fine. Like others said maybe you should talk to the girl. Without sounding judgemental maybe it is just a personality thing if more than one person has called you intimidating.

I think I used to be a know it all at times when I was younger. That was a terrible trait of mine. Now I enjoy saying "I don't know", if I don't know something.

My MIL can be intimidating. She doesn't make people feel at ease, and I just don't enjoy being around here a lot of times. I really can't put my finger on it. I am not intimidated by her confidence either. I think she is intimidating because she generally doesn't empathize and is subtle like a sledgehammer. I am not a super sensitive person either. I don't easily get my feelings hurt.

Lori
 
I am the very same exact way! I am almost 5 foot, 102 pounds and have heard everywhere that I am intimidating!!! I really don't think that showing a different side of yourself will change a thing. I say this because I am extremely close to my brother and dad...best friends and I have heard them tell people (separate from each other) that I am the only person they are afraid of!:eek: Huh?!

Time to time, I talk to my husband about it but he admits some fear as well LOL! It is facial expression, body language and I think a huge part is self confidence (NOT arogance...confidence!) I think when you beam of self confidence, that can be intimidating.

The other thing for me is I am an awesome debator...no one ever survives! I can be very quick and have some one speechless in no time! Drives my DH CRAZY! He expressed frustration over my ability to debate so well just the other night!

The whole thing can stink but better than getting stomped on!
 
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