What's wrong with me???

P

pixie9

Cathlete
Please let me apologize in advance for my small tirade. ;-)

So my in-laws are visiting us here in Germany and things have been going ok. Today is their 40th wedding anniversary and my FIL's birthday as well. I decided to make some yummy vegan scones for breakfast for the occasion. Anyway, we're sitting there watching AFN (Armed Forces Network - we get American shows but no commercials. Our commercials are more public service announcements and they are quite annoying) on the TV and one of those annoying commercials comes on. It's basically a cheer-leading team called the Orlando something or others and they are dancing around trying to teach us about the importance of warming up. OK whatever. I've seen this commercial like 80 THOUSAND times and I'm so sick of it. So I make a comment to my MIL about how I can't stand this commercial and she says: "why, because they all look so good"? <insert dramatic pause> I could literally HEAR my blood boiling! I could FEEL my breaths getting shallow! I wanted to reach across the couch and strangle her!! Of course I spin into a shame spiral thinking that I'm a fat pig, why do I exercise so much if it does no good, am I ugly, etc, etc, etc. I haven't been able to exercise all week, I'm eating a super non-clean scone, and now I feel like a rhino! I can't believe I allow this woman to have so much power over me! It's beyond frustrating!

I haven't seen her in 15 months and I want to keep the peace, especially on their anniversary but geesh! I had DH take them downtown Heidelberg today so I could stay home and do 'schoolwork' which really means I need to be alone so I can not murder her! }( I know I just need some time to let the hate settle but man am I pi$$ed!

Carolyn
 
Hello Carolyn,

I don't know what your MIL meant by that comment, but it was pretty catty. Not a nice thing for her to say.

I was looking at your photos and I think you fine to me. You are not fat, so there is no need to focus on that. I know what you mean by 'why do I exercise so much if does no good' though because I often think that myself. I have been exercising religiously for a few years and I am still not a slim as I think I should be.

You have a goodlooking man beside you, so think of it this way. You can't be that fat and unattractive if you can hook a hunk like him. And as long as he fancies you then that is all that matters.


Yen
 
Thanks Yen. I'm glad you think my DH is so attractive. His attractiveness has no bearing on how I feel about myself though.


C
 
So sorry your MIL sent you into a bit of a tailspin! Isn't it funny (or not) how one little comment can take on huge proportions? She was just being b%$#hy...and you just have to ignore it. You look great! And you are right...you said in your post that you "allow" her to have power over you...so recognize that and remind yourself what a good, strong, healthy, in shape woman you are! And maybe make a little voodoo doll of her and stick pins in it...that may make you feel better!

Chin up! You look fantastic!

Debra

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Plant beneficial seeds, do your best and let go---Eion Finn
 
Carolyn,

Is it possible she was just vocalizing her own thoughts (and maybe it came out wrong?) or do you think she was intentionally trying to get in a dig?

I think the key is not to internalize the comments of others. Even if there was malicious intent. Anytime someone spews something negative, immediately recognize it as his/her own weakness, and don't make it yours. Life is too short to give others this kind of power over us.

[font face="heather" font color=brick red size=+2]~Cathy [/font face] http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/wavesmile.gif
"Out on the roads there is fitness and self-discovery and the persons we were destined to be." -George Sheehan
 
You R certainly very much not fat and you are very pretty MIL have qa way of wording things that make us dil cringe after 25 years of MIL i finally just except that and hopefully will have learned from her mistakes when i become a MIL I know she loves me and would do anything for me so i must let some things slide
hope this helps
and remmeber you are beautiful
Lisa
 
I agree with the others, you are not fat and you are far from ugly! So its not you. Its her. Shes the one with the issues! And you never know, prehaps she didn't mean anything by the comment? Who knows. Just keep the peace while they are here and be the first one to offer to drive them to the airport:+
Seriously though, don't be hard on yourself. You are fine! And even if you were overweight, it would still be her issue and not yours!

Lori:)
 
One way to take the power back in this kind of situation, should it ever happen again, is to agree with MIL and then correct her very peacefully. As in, "Oh, my, yes, they do look great, don't they? But no, the reason I can't stand this commercial is that I have seen it 80 thousand times and the cheering is starting to get on my nerves. I just want to watch the show."

As others have said, though, you do look great, and it's her, not you.
 
I agree with everybody-don't let her get to you! I peeked at your picturetrail and your a very pretty lady-and in shape too! Could it be that she is jealous? My mil is a beast when it comes to comments like that,so I KNOW what your going through!

The above Poster has a good Idea...but my problem is that if my MIL said someting like that to me I would think of something to say back to her AFTER it all happened LOL! (later,in my bathroom while I was cursing her }( )
 
>
>You have a goodlooking man beside you, so think of it this
>way. You can't be that fat and unattractive if you can hook a
>hunk like him. And as long as he fancies you then that is all
>that matters.

Wow! I had no idea people thought this way! What does the attractiveness of your spouse have to do with how you feel about yourself? What my DH, or any other man for that matter, thinks of me has NO bearing on my self esteem. I work out and maintain my appearance for ME and nobody else!!!!

Carolyn, I am sorry your MIL is so insensitive. Her comment was extremely passive aggressive. She didn't come right out and say she thought you didn't look good, but she dropped a bomb of a comment insinuating that is what she thought. My advice ... don't worry what ANYBODY else thinks, either your MIL or your DH. It's all about what YOU think and how YOU feel about yourself. That comes from within. You are a pretty girl. Don't let another person's comment rent space in your brain.
 
Carolyn - what an awful thing for her to say! I would be seething too.

But think of it this way. You know those combat intervals in Absolute Kickboxing? Now you have fuel to make them much more aggressive }(
 
I can relate to what you are saying. I was walking my dogs the other day. I had my headphones on and passed two couples walking in the park. One of the guys was checking me and my dogs out and made a comment about a "beatiful pit" (one of my dogs is a pit bull and the other a pit bull mix).

After he made the comment his girlfriend said in a snappy tone "are you talking about her or the dog". I had my headphones on so luckily I could just keep walking and pretend that I did not hear either comment. I felt pretty yucky for a little and then I realized that SHE was the one who felt bad because her boyfriend was paying attention to someone else and had to make a snappy comment to make herself feel better. Her snarky insulting attitude had nothing to do with me.

I suspect the same thing was true with your MIL. She either feels bad about herself and had to project that on you or her comment just came out wrong. :)
 
I agree with Cathy...maybe she didn't mean anything by it. I once had my DH's uncle make a comment to me that "even if Andy's(my BIL) wife did look like a model, I would still be his 'favorite.' HUH? So...even if I'm ugly, I'm still your favorite. What made it worse was that he said it repeatedly over dinner and my BIL's wife sooo doesn't look like a model. In fact, I always thought we were sort of even in the attractiveness category. I couldn't believe that someone could be so thoughtless.

Not that it made it any better but he really wasn't trying to insult me. I don't think he was even consciously making a comment about my looks, but I sure took it that way.

You are not fat and you are beautiful! I certainly understand how you feel but, like Cathy said, maybe she was just expressing why SHE would get sick of the commercial.:)
 
What a bitchy thing to say, I would have taken it the exact same way.
You are adorable, certainly not fat for Pete's sake!!
She is probably just insecure about her own body, maybe she was just reflecting her own thoughts. Whatever, march on and ignore it.

If we felt insecure everytime we saw some bimbo on the telly or otherwise (and not all are bimbos of course), we would all walk around miserable. I have learned in my advancing age (41:) ) that there will always be some gal that is better looking with a nicer body, and what is funny, she will have the same insecurities I do!:) Chin up, and go kiss your darling hubby!
 
Thank you all for your incredibly kind words. :) I feel a LOT better now. I had a good talk with my sister (who knows my MIL) and I went from actually crying to laughing. I do wish it was an innocent comment that I just took the wrong way - and maybe it was. But she is known for 'dropping bombs' so I'm thinking it was an indirect insult. But as Shelley said, at least I have some good ammo for the combat drill in AKB. ;-) And at least I know that I will NEVER be that way. The last thing I want to do in life is make someone feel bad about themselves. I just don't have it in me. So at least I have that. :)

Carolyn
 
You know, some people who know what our insecurities are take advantage of that to make digs against us. Others don't intend to do so, but end up doing it as well. I have no idea which group your MIL fits in. It's especially hard to tell without hearing her tone of voice, seeing her expression, or having any background with her.

Let's face it, compared to most everyday women, models and cheerleaders do look "good/better" in a certain way (a somewhat artificial way--made up, dressed to flatter, etc.). Heck, with the makeup, hair and clothes, most models and cheerleaders look 'better' when they are 'on stage,' so so speak, than they do in their real lives.

Don't let it bother you (more easily said than done, I know!).
 
Hi Carolyn,

Just wanted to chime in to say that you look absolutely fabulous in your photos, and you and your DH are obviously so happy! Your MIL could maybe have been jealous of how good you look, or, like others have said, she could be one of those mean-spirited, yet clueless, comments.

Try not to let it bother you anymore!

Leanne
 
> His attractiveness has no bearing on how I feel about myself
>though.
>
Really? It's funny because I'd feel better about myself if a nice looking guy fancies me. I'd still feel good if any guy fancies me, but I definitely feel more attractive if he was a hunk, if you can see what I mean.

Yen
 
Just reading your story makes my blood boil! wow, I am so sick of this kind of drama. Believe me, my family keeps that shame circle going strong, let me tell you. I am actually considering moving away from them to stop it! But I guess you just can't get away no matter what you do.

But you know....really know.....that what she said is BS. That is all that matters!:D
 
I just want to say, as someone who knows this person, that she really is on some kind of mission to get to my sister, who is never anything but kind and generous and considerate. If this were an isolated incident, I'd agree with some other posters that perhaps it was an innocent comment. But she has a major history of this kind of thing! There is a lot going on there that would explain, not justify, why she feels my sister doesn't belong in her "perfect" family, and I won't go into that, but lets just say that she, and her daughter, would be thrilled if Jason had never married Carolyn. That is crystal clear. Maybe they don't come out and say it , or admit it to themselves, but it's the only thing that can explain why they'd treat her this way when she has done nothing to them to warrant it. They have both had too much to drink a few times and their true feelings pretty much came out. But since these true feelings are so unacceptable, her MIL resorts to this underhanded bullying. It's disgusting and pathetic and if I were there believe me I would have thought of something to say to her! If there's anything I can't tolerate, it's a bully. And I know she's insecure and unhappy, and I'm sorry for that, but it has nothing to do with Carolyn and does not excuse her nastiness.

I agree with some others here and told Carolyn not to let her win by feeling bad about herself. I think it's very painful because Carolyn always hopes that she won't pull this crap, and every single time she does it at least one time (and always when no one else can hear it!). But she also has this phony super sweet way that always makes Carolyn think that maybe she has finally accepted her. It's a roller-coaster! Even on their wedding day she said something that I consider unforgivable. She whispered it in her ear (while pretending to give her a hug!) and again no one else heard it. What a jerk! I think Carolyn needs to just accept that she's being hurtful and acknowledge how it makes her feel but not beat herself up about letting it get to her (again). Some people will never ever change. It's so sad to me because she is my best friend and is the kindest person I've ever known. She and I have never been catty or competitive. We both support one another and always try to help one another feel good about ourselves. In fact, this is what makes her such a great personal trainer. She makes rotations for me, and also tries to keep our parents motivated. Actually, she kind of reminds me of Cathe! Anyway, Carolyn doesn't deserve this at all. But I am proud of her that she has never sunk to her mil's level. I don't know if I could do it.

And, in response to Yen's comment, yes Jason is a really nice looking guy, and Carolyn is beautiful as well (inside and out). They are both a ton of fun and they are adorable together. And I know for a fact that he is proud to have such a fit, attractive, smart and funny wife. Although, like others have said, this has nothing to do with this situation. I'm sorry this is so long-it just gets me so fired up!

Amy
 
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