What would you have done? ( Kid woes!)

gidget1978

gidget1978

Cathlete
DD who is 11 as wanted a cell phone forever. And although I don't think she is really old enough for one, they do come in handy when you are trying to track them down.She doesn't go to far but we live in a small town and if she goes out with her friends, she takes my cell phone. The phone bill as never been big between the 2 of us, like $9 or something.
We finally broke down and bought her one for Christmas, one of the pay as you go phones. But I have been a little hesitate about giving it to her b/c half of the time her attitude could be crap and she thinks that she is 11 going on 30! It drives me crazy sometimes! Well...alot of the time! I have been hesitate b/c I think this phone should be a privilage that is well deserved and she does nothing to deserve it.

So, what i wouldn't do for a bit of time on the TM! I told her last week that if she watched her brother for me while I worked out then MAYBE on Fri night she could have some of her friends over for fondue and they can exchange their gifts. Things went ahead as planned but what I thought was 4-5 kids, turned into 10! Not only that but she wanted to buy more gifts later in the week, meaning MORE KIDS...I put a stop to that.
At first it was fine b/c the baby was still awake. But boy, were they ever loud! The plan was to eat fondue,open gifts,watch a movie and at 9 everyone leaves. I thought I could handle 2.5 hours of kids but no longer. They ate their fondue but the movie didn't happen. While in the kitchen they put some music on and they started dancing around. We were in the basement and you could see the floor moving! Half of these kids weigh more then me and I was afraid my ceiling was gonna come towering down. They finally settled down but no ones parents showed up at 9! I knew that! I knew that no one had told their parents when to come and get them. What about if we were going out at 9? What then?
I made DD give her friends the phone and they started calling their parents and even though some claimed that they did, I know that they didn't.I felt a little bad for DD b/c I know she was trying to keep the noise down but they weren't listening to her.
The 2 things that pushed me over the edge was my coworker called, DD answered the phone and said "its that girl from work again, she drives me nuts" I was soooo mad! At the time one of the moms were in the porch and i was soo embarassed. Shortly after this we find out that the girls were making prank phone calls to the boys in their class...but whose number do you think shows up on the phone? MINE! Now my daughter will get the reputation of being boy crazy!
I took her into the living room, pulled out a gift, opened it, showed her the cell phone (her mouth dropped of course) and I told her it was going back today. I don't feel bad about it b/c she doesnt deserve it in my eyes but I wanted to give her something for Christmas that I knew she was going to be extrememly excited about and now its gone!
Why don't kids respect anyone anymore? I had a long chat with her after (oh the last kid didn't leave till 11!) and I reminded her who pays the phone bill around here so work can call as much as they like and a few things are gonna change around here. She watches to many shows that are about teens and she thinks she is Miss Cool all the time!
What would you have done? Did I do the right thing?
 
I think you did EXACTLY the right thing!

The hardest thing though (as I am already learning as a relatively new mom) is sticking to your guns though. Whatever you do DON'T re-wrap that phone for her!!!!

Even if you decide to give it to her a month down the road because her behavior has changed, that's fine but don't cave and give it to her for Christmas after all!
 
Oh boy, I'm going to say something you may not like, but I mean it in a helpful way. Really. I would have done differently.

You sound upset that your daughter let things get out of hand because she couldn't control her friends. But....you couldn't control them either, and you're the parent. She's just 11.

You said, "I felt a little bad for DD b/c I know she was trying to keep the noise down but they weren't listening to her." Well of course not, why would they? She's a kid. But they would have listened to YOU. And that was your job.

When all the hoopla and yelling and stomping started, it sounds like you stayed in the basement. I would have gone upstairs instead and told them to settle down or they were all going home. I would have called the parents, not counted on them to. I would have been the "bad guy" at that moment. Would your daughter have been embarrassed? Yeah, probably, but she may have been secretly thankful too. I say that because....

Several weeks ago I had to call the police for a very loud college party going on at 2am. Through a coincidnece the next day, I met the party-giver's Mom, and she asked me if I had called the police. I gulped and said "yes". She thanked me, and said her daughter thanked me too, because way more people showed up than she expected and she couldn't get them to leave! And this girl was 20 years old.

I'd give her another chance, because although she didn't act in a way you wanted her to, you really didn't either. Just my opinion, not meant harshly, but you asked what we would have done :)
 
Lori,

You set certain parameters for DD for the party and it sounds like she broke every single one, so IMO, she hasn't shown you respect nor has she demonstrated the personal responsibility to earn herself a cell phone at this time. And the rudeness on the phone? That would be unacceptable to me.

If, at some point later on down the road, you feel she is ready to handle a cell phone, I would set very clear limits ahead of time and let it be known that if she blows it, the phone is history.

Sometimes it is hard to dole out the consequences, but IA with you and the others here...kids do have to learn.

ETA: Oh, I do agree, though, that I would have ended the party at the time it was supposed to be over.

[font face="heather" font color=black size=+2]~Cathy[/font]

http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/stockingsmiley1.gif
 
I, also, would have done the exact same thing!!! I noticed DD is going through the same thing - they are just at that right age, I think. You know what is amazing? The less we allow her to watch those teen shows, the less she acts like them! ;)

But you know what else I would have done? I would have had no problem telling her friends that they wouldn't be able to come over if they weren't going to obey and respect my rules and curfew. But I am a mean and crusty ol' mom. :p

Missy
 
I can understand you denying her the phone for xmas, but I wouldn't return it. I'd set a time frame for her to "earn it", maybe 3 months.
I'm basing this on her phone manners to your co-worker which was really out of line.

OTOH, I don't think it really was not her fault the party got out of hand. IMHO, I think 11 is too young for kids to plan their own party. Guests will bring guests if they think the kid is in charge and you said she was trying her best to get the kids to behave. I would have asked her who she wanted to invite (you set the number) and you make the phone calls to the parents and you tell them the pick up time. It sounds like your daughter has some irresponsible friends who are taking advantage of her. The parents of any child who wasn't picked up by 9:20 would have got a phone call from me and I'd probably would have driven them home myself at 9:30. Regarding the phone calls to boys, I doubt seriously that your DD will get a boy crazy reputation for that. Word will get out that there were 10 girls in the house at the time of the party.

I have a 12 yo DD so I know how they can be. You can certainly change her TV time and ask her to help more around the house or whatever. Kids that age want more freedom but it's up to you to give the responsibilities that come with those privileges. I'd talk to her calmly about what happened at the party, what upset you and discuss together how things could have been handled differently. If you thought she tried to follow your guidelines and keep things quiet, praise her for those efforts so she knows that you see what she does right. Consider some of the "party control" ideas I mentioned earlier. Kids rebel against being told what to do, but if they are part of the rule making, it frequently doesn't seem as onerous to them. It becomes a trade-off that they can understand.

FWIW, I gave my DD and 10 yo son some hand me down cell phones last summer and I did it to give me peace of mind so they could call me to check in and let me know where they were. They aren't allowed to text, period! (you can actually disable that feature through your carrier so they can't receive them either) Basically, my kids call me on them and that's it.

All kids are different and I don't mean to criticize you. You thought everything was under control since you set very reasonable parameters for the party. Unfortunately, parenting is trial and error many times! You don't know what you could have done differently until after the fact! LOL! I do think you learned A LOT about your DD's friends and that's good information to have in the future. She sounds like a good kid, just going through typical stuff for her age. Take care--

Jonahnah
Chocolate IS the answer, regardless of the question.
 
Yep, I would have done the same thing. Now you know what she would be doing with her own phone.
I would take her with me to the store to return the cell phone too. If she beahves she can have it for her birthday or next christmas but she will have to earn it.
 
For any kid gathering at my house, I have full control and approval of the kids coming. My 14 year old DD knows this. She also knows no boys unless I give approval and am here. I am also very visible when kids come over, and if things get out of hand, and they do, it is me or my husband that get the situation under control, because kids will be kids. At 14, she has her moments, but for the most part she is very respectful, to us, to her friends, to her teachers.

She is my second, but the first is introverted, and a boy. She is very extroverted, and girls can be harder.

My advise is to get to know all of her friends and their parents(which is harder). These are the kids that will be with her in the teen years, and friends are more important to them than anything in the world. You want to know what type of people they are, because she is going to listen to them over you.

I actually prefer to have my kids and their friends at our house, because I know what they are doing then.
 
Oh Lori! So sorry about this! My girls are only 5 & 3, so I have no advice to give that you haven't gotten already, just wanted to say my heart goes out to you and DD!
 
I agree that you should stick to your guns and do what you said you would do. Take the phone back! Then tell her if she wants one, she's gonna have to earn it. Backing down from that will teach her that she doesn't really have anything to fear from you and she can get away with anything. I'm thinking that is NOT the message you want to send.....whether it's Christmas or not.

Figure out an allowance system and write down daily or weekly chores or school grades she is responsible for and if they are done...give her a weekly amount. If she wants the phone bad enough she can pay for it herself and she will respect it (and money) more. This also shows that you are willing to work with her to reach her goals.

I remember growing up, my parents made us pay for our own vehicles. Smart parents! Before I owned my own car, I drove my parents' vehicles in a very abusive manner...squeeling the tires, taking corners too quickly, etc. When I got my own vehicle and had to pay for repairs, gas, car payments, tires, etc....my driving style changed drastically. At the time, I had no idea that my parents had taught me about responsibility.:eek: Looking back......I think they were genius.

Angie
 
Lori, As far as the phone goes, that is really a decision you have to make. I think the advice you got to have your daughter earn it is good. Now that you have shown it to her and told her you would take it back you have to stick to your guns, the "earning" part will save you face and your daughter will know you are serious. I do however, have to agree with other posters who stated that from your post, anyway, it seems that you stayed pretty much out of the picture. Kids that age will do whatever they can. Next time, be very specific about how many kids can come over, and call their parents beforehand to confirm the party if they don't call you (most won't). BE VISIBLE during the party. Plus it is a great way to get to know your DD's friends and help her to keep things under control. At some point, I would let her have another party again, with specific guidelines. You would rather have her friends at your house than vice versa.
 
Dearest,

I do not think you did anything wrong at all. YOu are her MOm and you're going to know better than anyone how to deal with your daughter. I have had a lot of issues with my NOW 17 year old, and one year we just did cake for her birthday to teach her a lesson about grades and attitude. Everyone thought I was such a monster, but I learned from that not to share with anyone how I parent her anymore.

I started one year to get very little if nothing for Christmas for her, and a coworker just acted like i had lost my mind and was trying to butt in, but shortly after that conversation I heard on a Christian radio show about a father that was FED UP with his two young sons being "bad" and using foul language and not showing respect so he pulled out ALLLLL of their presents and OPENED THEM so they could see what they were losing and he sold them all on ebay.

I think what we've done is mild to say the least.

Roll with the punches baby.

:)
 
I don't think the criteria for her losing the phone was just the uncontrolled mob of kids. I think it was the fact that she didn't enforce anyone telling their parents that pick up time was 9 pm, more kids ended up at the "party" than originally anticipated, she was playing prank calls (or new of it I guess) and she was disrespectful. I think that's why the Mom took this route. If it had just been the noisy crowd, I think you would be on the money though.
 
Thanks for your responses everyone. I am kinda of leaning towards not taking the phone back but keeping it for her b-day in March...IF she earns it of course.
Also, I was visiable during the party at points in time but I also had to put the baby to bed which took me atleast 45 mins. And DH also told the kids to behave themselves and they did listen some what but there is always that one kid that doesn't listen and SHE was here:+
I also learned another tidbit today. One of the girls didn't come b/c she didn't have gifts for everyone. Instead of keeping her gifts for her, they all decided to unwrap on each and keep it! I really don't know what goes through the heads. I told DD that she had to find out who opened her gift b/c she was getting it back. DD says that she wasn't in the room at the time that they decided to do this but she never is, if you know what I mean!
Anyway, thanks again! And the straw that broke the camels back was more about what she said when my coworker called then the noise that was made.
Lori:)
 
I just went to a teaching workshop with a presenter named Chick Moorman. He also does parenting workshops, so I thought I would chime in with some of his advice....

1. Stay true to your word... No matter how sweet and/or sad she seems do not give her that phone for Christmas. (Chick's theme was to stay consistent)

2. Use these words often:" PICK, CHOOSE, DECIDE" as in
"If you choose to disrespect my wishes, than YOU are deciding you don't want your friends over again."
If you allow your DD to have friends over again, don't remind her of her past transgressions.The idea being that WE do too much thinking FOR our children. Let them think about things for themselves.

Just continue to say "If you choose to disrespect my wishes, you decide this is the last time your friends come over. .
I am not on this man's payroll, but I should be b/c I have been singing his praises ever since I left the workshop. The "PICK, CHOOSE, and DECIDE" stuff works wonderfully in the classroom as well! Good Luck.
 
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