What would you do? (as a parent)

gidget1978

gidget1978

Cathlete
We (DH and I) had a PTA meeting today with DD teacher.DD is not a bad student at all but she tries to get away with as much as she can for the most part.Numerous times she would come home and say that she had no homework or better yet...she had a test that she didn't have to study forx( What kind of test it that? Wish I had those in school!
Anyway, DH said, this is enough.He took her back to school one day and he ran in and had a little talk with her teacher.Sure enough, she had homework and yes...she was suppose to be studying for her test.SURPRISE! Her teacher said that she would have a talk with her and she did and it seemed to help.I also had a talk with her and wanted to make her realize the importance of doing well in school.I don't know why she doesn't seem to want to do her homework b/c her eyes aren't glued to the t.v or computer and she doesn't go anywhere after school.But her report card wasn't that bed.She could have done better but for the most part it was A's and B's and she is in grade 4 this year.
So today we meet with her and we find out that the test DD had today, the things she studied for, were not on there.She also said that she is easily distracted.Although she tries her best to stay focused she can be easily distracted.
It seems as if she doesn't look on the homework board to figure out what she as to do and then she doesn't ask questions either.
Now, we both work full time and Dh just took over a business so he is eyes and ears into it right now and I am a shift worker.
At the sametime this seems to be the go with her most years.It almost seems as if she needs the first couple of monthes to get focused and from christmas on she sails through the rest.
So what I am asking is....the only activity she as is gymnastics.She goes Mon 5-8, Wed 5:30-8:30 and Sun 12-3.So on Mon and Wed it is really hard to do her homework justice b/c she gets home from school (and if we are both working she as to go to the babysitters) eats supper, goes to gymnastics and by the time she gets home it 9 and she needs to shower.
DH and I disgust it a little today and we are thinking about taking her out of gymnastics b/c her school work seems to be suffering.I really wish I could work part time b/c I think it would make a world of difference but this is not an option.
What would you do?
Lori:)
 
> It seems as if she doesn't look on the homework board to
>figure out what she as to do and then she doesn't ask
>questions either.

Is it possible to have her copy the homework down and bring it home? Maybe work something out with the teacher to make sure she does this? It worked wonders for my nephew who was doing similar things. At least then my sister knew what needed to be done.


> So what I am asking is....the only activity she as is
>gymnastics.She goes Mon 5-8, Wed 5:30-8:30 and Sun 12-3.So on
>Mon and Wed it is really hard to do her homework justice b/c
>she gets home from school (and if we are both working she as
>to go to the babysitters) eats supper, goes to gymnastics and
>by the time she gets home it 9 and she needs to shower.

Is there anyone who can check to see if her homework is done before gymnastics? No homework...no gymnastics? Do you think that might work?

If she can't make school a priority, I might drop the gymnstics. But I'd wait and see if you can make some progress first.

One more thing I might do is set up some type of reward system if she gets her homework done every week. Maybe rent a particular movie or one-on-one time with mom and dad...whatever fits into your budget and would be rewarding for her.

Colleen
 
We had a similar issue that was resolved by purchasing one of those homework tablets. Every day my son would write his homework in and the teacher would sign it, then we would sign it after he did it.

Frankly, it sounds like she might have ADHD; one version of this involves not being able to focus, being easily distracted, etc. (Everyone seems to think it's just hyperactivity.) You may want to consider getting her tested. They can do a preliminary test in school and then you would do something more extensive with your doctor, if you wish. She won't necessarily need medication (my son had mild ADHD and we decided against medication), but if she has ADHD, she may qualify for an IEP, which would get her additional help in the classroom. Also, you may have to take a much more aggressive approach with the schoolwork, such as setting up more structure at the babysitter's if you can't be home.

Good luck!

Marie
 
I went through this with my daughter. It's aggravating!! She never did what she was supposed to, never studied and always seemed to forget writing down what she was supposed to do. Part of my DD's problem was that she was the youngest in the class and some of the things expected of her were a little tough for her. But that was only a small part.

What I started doing was emailing the teacher weekly, asking for a recap of the homework for the previous week (and if she's organized enough - for the following week - mine was not). I also sat down with her every night to make sure she did her homework. When she hit 7th grade, the school signed on with Parent Connect, and the homework was listed there, so it was easier to keep up with everything. She's now in 8th grade and had a 3.7 average last semester, and it's looking really good again this semester. I know trust her to do her homework herself, but I keep an eye on it, and if she misses an assignment, she loses computer privledges for a week (except for homework of course, but only when I'm there).

I work full time too, and I know how tough it is, but if you don't show her now, that homework is important, then the problem will only get worse. I'd talk to the teacher to see if there is anyway she can let you know the homework assignments.

Good luck - I feel for you - I know how frustrating this is!
 
Colleen,

Her teacher said today that she will be one of the kids that she as to watch.I think there are a couple in her class who are doing the samething so when the kids copy the homework down, the teacher will check it to make sure its right and will initial the bottom of the page.But she said its up to DD to make sure she brings home the right books.

There really isn't anyone to check her homework, if we are working b/c I don't want to have to ask the babysitter to do that.The reason she as so much gymnastcis is b/c she is in competetive gymnastics.
And the other thing is...some days she wants to go and somedays she don't.So its not really something that we will be taking away from her b/c I don't think she cares.She is a very "flighty" person.She goes from one thing to the next to the next.This is the second activity we have had her in and I think she would be enjoying it more if her coach was a nicer person.Its just that I don't know if I should take her out b/c I want her to be in something that gets her moving and active.I don't want her to finish her homework and jsut watch t.v or something.Does this make sense?
Thanks,
Lori:)
 
> Colleen,
>
> There really isn't anyone to check her homework, if we are
>working b/c I don't want to have to ask the babysitter to do
>that.The reason she as so much gymnastcis is b/c she is in
>competetive gymnastics.

I figured she was competing; I did also as a kid and remember the long, but fun, hours at the gym. The other option might be to tell her she can't go unless she gets the homework done and see if she can do it on her own. Doesn't sound like a promsing option tho. If you find out she didn't get it done, then she misses the next class. But then again you mentioned it might not be that rewarding anyway...hmmm. She sounds like she just needs a little extra help to get it done right now.

.I don't want her to finish her homework and just watch
>t.v or something.Does this make sense?

Yes, it does. Hopefully others can give more input.
 
She as a homework book, that we didn't know about of course.And when we looked in it, there was nothing wrote down in it! No wonder she never got any homework...cause she can't remember it!

ADHD, I don't know? I've never thought about it and none of her teachers have ever been concerned.She would rather socialize then do her homework I think.
Lately, she has been hanging out with a little girl that is a year older then her.And she calls the house non-stop.So we have to put an end to that.And with the other girl bring a year older, I wonder if their thoughts may be towards having crushes for boys then anything else.Don't really want to think about that right now but it is reality.
Lori:)
 
Thanks Christine.Its nice to know there are others out there.
I have had a couple of chats with her telling her the importance of school work ex: "if you get behind now, next year will be even harder", "if you want to have a good job when you get older you have to get good grades" etc...and she seems to understand this.

The other thing I didn't mention is we put her in french emerson classes.Which is french all the time.Apparenly the parents donot need to know much frnech and it hasn't really been a problem.This is another reason why I think she is probably not ADHD, I would think they would have even more trouble concentrating? I could be wrong though. So for me to help her with her home work is harder for me, cause I don't understandx( And i don't need a tutor b/c she doesn't need help WITH the work...its just getting her to DO to work.

I like what christine mentioned about the computer though.She doesn't spend much time on it but I think she would be a little ticked if I took that away from her.
Lori:)
 
Lori, I think your daughter sounds like a typical, social butterfly for her age ;) I think for the first suggestion she just needs to be helped in making her accountable for her responsibilities. Possibly having her write homework down in a notebook that is signed by teachers at the end of the day and then signed by you and/or DH that she has done what she is supposed to. You might also think of a reward chart as these can work fabulously at that age. Kids work very well with tangible rewards. If all this fails you might want to think about testing for possible ADD (attention deficit disorder) but by no means jump to do this immediately.


"you miss 100% of the shots you never take"


Debbie
 
My fourth grade students have "agendas" (little calendars), where they write down everything we have done each day...whether or not they have homework in that subject. It is a communication tool between home and school, but more importantly a tool for organization for the kids.

They have the calendars, like a desk calendar, or a journalish calendar at many stores. I have several students that I have to sign their agenda every day, and others I just check once every couple weeks.

One of my teachers that I worked with last year had lunch with the students in the classroom as a special reward once a month for the students who were good at keeping up with their agendas.

Maybe you could have lunch with her or bring her McDonald's every so often as a goal?

Good luck!!
Jenn
 
Lori - My DD does not have ADHD. She just was not interested enough to worry about it.

The other thing that worked for me was rewarding homework done with little silly things - she gets to pick dinner one night if she does her homework all week, or put a big star on the fridge and tell everyone who walks in the house all about it. Make it worth her while to want to do homework.

The punishment works better now as a reminder that she needs to do it, but I found rewarding the effort worked better as a motivator. Sorry, I didn't even think of that one before. *slaps forehead*
 
Maybe she's dyslexic (I hope I spelled that right). Have you tested her?

Maybe she's "advanced." Advanced students find school boring and have to find other ways to make it fun and interesting -- like not studying.

Some thoughts on the gymnastics topic:

Whose idea is it for her to take gymnastics? Does she want to continue with it? If she doesn't, then take her out of it. If she does, then tell her that if she wants to stay in it, then she has to do her homework. Don't tell her she needs to do "better" because she's making "mostly A's and B's" already. How much better do you want her to do? A whole lot of parents would be ecstatic over B's and C's -- you are one of the lucky ones, so don't push your daughter too hard. Remember, she's still a kid. Let her be a kid.

I wouldn't take her out of gymnastics until you've spelled out what she needs to do to stay in. Let her control her own destiny. Tell her the consequences of bad grades, and let her take responsibility for what grade she earns. If you tell her that a D will "earn" her a cancellation of all gymnastic activity, if she gets a "D" then follow through and cancel gymnastics. If she argues or complains, you just say, "I told you this would happen. You, and only you, had control over whether it happened or not. So, if you're going to be mad at anyone, be mad at yourself for doing what you needed to do be pulled from gymnastics." Don't give in and say, "Well, I know I said that I'd take you out of gymnastics, but I'll give you one more shot." NO! Tell her the consequences, and then stick to them! Otherwise, you teach her that you are a wishy-washy parent she can manipulate as she gets older.

Kids need to be taught that THEY control their future. They need to be taught to be accountable and responsible for what they do. If you don't follow through with punishment that you clearly laid out ahead of time, you are cheating your child out of valuable learning experiences that will teach them accountability and responsibility later.
 
Pardon me, but "ADHD"???? My Gawd!

Sorry, but I have gotten so sick of hearing that ADHD is the cause of all our children's woes. Twenty years ago, no one had ADHD...but now EVERYONE seems to have it. Your eye or your mind wanders for just a moment, or you get bored with a tedious assignment, and BOOM! You've got ADHD.

I personally think ADHD is mostly just one big excuse for teachers and parents to not do their jobs. Does that mean that ADHD doesn't exist? No. I'm sure there are kids/people who have a "mental problem" that prevents them from focusing, but ADHD has become a "catch-all" for just about every bad behavior. I personally find it odd that my nephew's teachers wanted to say he had ADHD, but when he's doing something he enjoys, he is able to focus quite well. He's got a very active mind and is a very active young man now...that doesn't mean he has ADHD...he would just rather be out playing basketball than playing it on some computer game...he would rather be doing something interesting than something mind-numbingly boring. Hmmm, he sounds like me...I wonder if I have ADHD, too. **rolling eyes**

If ADD/ADHD is a real disease that has seemingly sprung up by the millions in the past twenty years (and I think I'm correct in saying that ADD/ADHD seems to be prominent in the U.S. and nowhere else in the world - need to find some stats on this, though), then obviously something in our environment is causing this "epidemic." Instead of treating the symptoms, maybe we should be looking for the cause so we can eliminate it and reverse this epidemic trend.

'nuff said about this very large pet peeve of mine.
 
Lori,

If your daughter really loves gymnastics, which it sounds as if she does, then don't make her quit. That will give her more of an excuse to sit in front of the tv or computer. The gymnastics will keep her active. My big thing is to never overly "push" kids into activities they don't want to do. Dh's dad always pushed him when he was a kid and now dh holds a bit of resentment towards him. I took dance when I was a kid and I loved every bit of it. My mother never pushed anything on me. If she did, I probably would have resented it. All in all, don't take away gymnastics. Maybe try to set aside a bit of time every evening to let her show you what she is doing in school. Or, you can help her study. Or, maybe no tv or computer until all homework is complete.

HTH!!!
Sara B
 
Hi catwomen,

I for one, do not beleive that my child as ANY type of learning disorder whatsoever.I am not the one who suggested this but I am not going to bash anyone for voicing their opinions either.Just as I will not bash you for whatever kind of testing you asked me if I had done.

This was not about my child not being "good" enough or not b/c she doesn't do good in school b/c she does.Yes she got A's and B's and 1 C.But when she did bring home a test that she "apparently" didn't have to study for..she got a 65! The 65 wasn't the bad part.It was her attitude, she said "atleast I passed" and that doesn't fly with me.Or another response for her is "someone else got 60 to". Which sort of shows to me that she doesn't care as much as she should.Sure she is doing good now but if she continues to not do her homework,then her grades will slip.
Im not pushing her to hard either.I don't think asking her to complete her homework or to study for a test is pushing her to hard.Its asking her to do what she is expected to do.Every other child as to write down what homework they have, and they have to complete it.Why should she be any different? She as to do these things and she needs to learn responsiblity.
I am also happy to say that I am not a parent who doesn't follow through with things.If I say she loses something then thats exactly what happens and she knows this.
So no, I don't think my child as any kind of learning disorder and she is not pushed to hard.
She joined gymnastics with a passion for it and has dearly loved it.But somedays she would rather stay home.If she wants to get out she knows she can.I am not going to pay money for something that she doesn't have any interest in.But at the sametime she is a child of many minds.She wants something one day and then something else the next.Once something gets old to her she wants to move on to the next.So as hard as it is I am trying to teach her that she can't keep dropping things.She still enjoys it but says she would enjoy it more if her coach were nicer.They had a meeting the other day so I am hoping the coach will change.They just have teenagers for there coaches, with adults there as well.
I just didn't know if I should take her out so she can concentrate on her homework more.We had a talk with her this afternoon and we have decided to keep close contact with the teacher to make sure the homework is being completed.I also think that she needs to ask questions more.I think she may be one of those kids who is afraid to ask a question in her class b/c she may be laughed at.I have also stressed the importance in this as well.I think if she asked questions she may understand things more.It may sound like we are being to hard on her, trust me we are not.If anything, we have been to easy.
Lori:)
 
I don't like pushy parents either.Around here hockey is the big sport, but mostly for boys.And everyone one of them thinks their kid is going to the NHL! Its crazy.The parents even get into fights and stuff.
This is not us.If she really hated it or even disliked it, then yes we would take her out.But for the most part she enjoys it and it is great exercise for her.And last year when she won 3 metals at her competition, she was beaming! She was so excited! It was nuts.And we were so happy for her.I also like the idea of competitions b/c it gets her to do things in front of an audience and I am hoping that this will continue.I never did anything as a child and I hate speaking in public or in front of large crowds.Im hoping that she will have more confidence in herself then I do.
lori:)
 
Catwomen,
I don't want to get into a catfight, but I had to jump in here. My DD has ADD. She is not hyper, and she is not a behavior problem. She certainly has no "mental problem" and I do take offense to what you have said. She is on medication that helps her concentrate in school and for a period after so she can get her homework done. Without the medication she was failing with D's and F's and now she is honor roll. I have let her know that her medication is no wonder drug and will not do the work for her. She is aware that she still needs to study and she does study very hard. The medication just makes it so she can benefit from her studies. I think before you speak about something and make yourself sound ignorant you should really become an MD or an expert, which I highly doubt you are either.

Gidget,
As far as you DD, I would not think that she has ADD/ADHD simply because you said that she does make good grades. Most children with ADD can not concentrate and usually fall at a C level or below. If she does have it and is still making A's and B's I see no need to have it diagnosed. A planner is a good idea with homework written down every day. I have a DD in the 4th grade and she is much the same way. She really dosn't like to do homework. Just stay firm with her and keep reinforcing how important it is.
 
Lori:

You understand your daughter well. You know her best. I applaud your goals for her. It is not just a question of grades, it is a question of attitude. Grades come and go, but the wrong attitude will impede learning, and over the long run, you are right to be concerned about the effects this could have on her academics.

You are right to expect her to be responsible. However, as the mother of a fourth grader girl also, I think at this stage they are still learning to be responsible, and they need our help with this. We teach by example. So, I am going to suggest to you that not only do you instigate the homework journal as a communcation tool between her, the teacher and yourselves, but that you must reserve time to sit with her on a daily basis to review her homework, to share news of what she did at school today, ask her what was fun, what exctiting things happened today and then ask her what homework she has to do and see if you can help her get started. It may be that all you have to do is show an interest and through this you will be stressing the value of homework. It may be that she needs you to sit with her for the first few minutes to discuss the assignment, talk about strategy, brainstorm ideas, etc. Once you get her focussed on her target, she can probably take it from there, but be on hand in case she has questions, needs assistance, or just wants to share her ideas with you.

It is true that our kids grow more interested in books, school, learning if we show that we are interested too. And part of the support network for your child is the strong and consistent and honest communication you set up with her teachers, so keep that going, ask for regular feedback. Your child clearly has great intelligence and potential, since she can pass tests without studying! But, wouldn't it be nice to encourage her to have more pride and to want to do her best? She isn't yet doing her best, is she? And yet, kids inherently do want to please their parents. She's capable of so much more.

A 4th grader really does not get that much homework. My daughter can knock hers on the head usually within half an hour, (a sheet of maths plus maybe some spellings, or some reading passage with questions or questions sheet based on a TFK). And she has after school soccer and swimming classes. It is possible to do both and still get to bed at a decent time! Although, I struggle with the latter. My 2 run rings around me at bathtime! We're all lagging by that stage. NObody's perfect. No parent is either. We all struggle. All kids and parents have different issues. Now if I could only get mine to do what I ask them to do within the first 4 times I ask, rather than waiting until I blow a gasket to begin moving!

We have set up guidelines and rules. I will never take her soccer away from her for her failure to do her homework. I will cancel all movie watching mid-week and remove computer privileges (my husband disables it) if the homework is not done first. THis sends her off into a tempestuous rage, then she calms down in her bedroom for half an hour, then she gets to it. I leave her alone while she's "preparing to study"!! What would constitute a motivating suspended privilege for your child? And you say you follow through on your word. Good for you!

Her distracted attention at home may just be her silent way of asking for more attention from you both. And her disinclination to ask questions at school may be from shyness (kids may not be shy at home, but they act differently in public spheres, least mine do) or it could be that she has already internalized the dreaded "being smart and studying is not cool" dictum which lesser-abled students wield later at middle school and beyond to cover up for their own inadequacies adacemically. Talk to her and find out if you can whether there's a touch of the latter at work. When my kids tell me about some of the apalling habits and attitudes of some of their classmates, I tell them outright, "yeah, bullshit to that, studying and being smart are way cool!" They pick up on it. They know they're cool. They know where they stand.

You can do it Lori, you are your child's best advocate. And noticing what's going on, taking steps, and being on her case are just the right things to do. Take it from there and keep the thumb screws on!!! :7 :7

Clare
 
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