what should i do?

[mom418]

ok heres the summary.
i spend most of the morning in my room. i exercise, read these forums, when i stay in here i lose or maintain my wt. i eat when hungry, but i'm trying not to think about food. thinking about exercising instead.
obviously, theres many problems with that. its just not reasonable to expect myself to always exercise for hours or to hide in my room. it doesnt feel like i am, but i probably am. i'm a stah mom right now, so once the kids get on the bus, i have lots of time, but of course theres other things to do, but i often completely ignore cleaning. so i wanted to get your thoughts. i should learn to be efficient now so i can get things done and when i'm working it will be old hat. but when i try to do short w/o i still want to over eat later that day.
and having more of a balanced life would be healthier. i'm not starving myself, its just hard sometimes to learn to listen to my body instead of eating just because. so spacing out meals is important.

 

[mom418]

i'm not sure if i do a very intense short w/o that would work or if its more about my time is occupied in the morning, i used to always munch starting in the morning or eat a very large breakfast. instead of satisfying me for later in the day, one big meal sets me up for another big meal even if i do wait until its actually lunch time. i think its more about my time being used up, but when i try to alternate cleaning around the house with real exercise, its much harder to focus. i realize i will still need/want part of the day to be focused working out, but i'm not sure how much.

 

[PhyllisG]

My first reaction is to get out of the house for a while. If you exercise in the a.m do that, eat your breakfast--not sure what you actually eat--and then leave. Go for a long walk. Just get out and keep yourself occupied until lunchtime. I find that if I am busy I don't think about food. Also you shouldn't have to workout for hours everyday. I think something else is going on and I don't know what that is. Also do you have a lot of weight to lose? I hate house cleaning but once I start I find that I don't really think about lunch or eating and sometimes have to force myself to stop and eat. Maybe you could join a gym in your area that has some classes like pilates, yoga something other than just the machines. You meet some friends also. So I guess my basic suggestion is to get out not only of your room but of your house.

 

[mom418]

thanks for responding, i'll try to answer your questions.
generally, i'm happy when i'm in my room,because i control myself so much better. its irritating to dh when i just ignore house chores. he's putting in alot of hours at work, so its fair that i should be doing stuff at home. i dont go to work or college anymore. i have the time, just need to manage it.
my room has lots of w/o equipment- bike, boxing, wii fit plus, various wts, mini trampoline...
its a small room its just the bed dresser, w/o stuff, and a tv that doesnt get channels. we had most of the equip. before i started in march, but thats when i got wii and tv in my room for w/o. i have pretty much anything i need somewhere in this house to exercise.
i love the gym. i prefer the gym. not happening.
1. i dont drive anywhere. ever. so dh would have to drive. i am working on learning. i'm not afraid anymore, but not well enough to get license.
2.severely limited budget.
i can walk outside in a nearby park. what i really enjoy is being in nature walking long distances. we are surrounded by woods. the roads nearby are narrow and pretty busy. makes it hard to walk safely.

i do have alot of wt to lose. but its not as urgent as when i started in march. i was 230#. my all time high. before that i was 215 for years. and near 200 before that. went to a kids birthday party, had nothing casual to wear. wore a dressy outfit, felt very embarrassed. without dh's help to push me in right direction i might have weighed 300# by now.
but now i'm at 200#. that may sound terrible to you, but i'm pretty comfortable. kept 30# off over the summer. i had planned to keep losing, but keeping it off is good too. i havent been this wt since my oldest was in prek. he's in 4th grade now.

so yes i still have alot to lose, but i think i'm mostly afraid of gaining it all back.

sometimes i have problems with feeling depressed, especially when dh is working all weekend. but i havent been feeling depressed for about 2 weeks. felt good.

started listening to inside out weight loss pod casts. doing the mental hw. trying to figure out why i sabotage myself after i get under 200 slightly. it seems to be an inner conflict, havent worked that out yet.

it doesnt really matter what i have for breakfast. sometimes healthy cereal, fruit, or leftovers. i make it a small amount, then the waiting several hours to eat again is crucial. once i start eating freaquently, even if i am feeling in control, it will turn into just keep eating- several hours or most of the day.
with the podcast i'm learning to listen to myself, noticing if i'm genuinely hungry. eating healthy foods with fiber.

but i'm not expecting everyone to weigh in on all that.

should i just do a quick clean up each morning, then w/o for an hour?
whenever i alternate i get distracted. how do you stay focused and still get alot done? should i just do them at separate times of day?
if i'm scrubing, really cleaning i'm not thinking about eating either. but i'm using it as an umbrella term. scrubbing, sorting, decluttering, dusting, sanitizing,vacumning. just in general keeping the house so called in order. hate that term, but it gives the sense of what we're talking about.
i can never seem to do both in the morning. either the cleaning or the exercise. exercise is more important, so often when i catch up on cleaning i'm doing it for days. but then the exercise often doesnt get done which makes it much harder for me to eat healthy portions. its just not pretty.

 

[jcm]

Your posts were a bit concerning to me. They sound very obsessive and like you don't really have any balance in your life. I'm saying this w/ kindness and concern, but it sounds to me like you need to find a really good counselor to help you achieve some balance - if you don't have someone already. At this point it's not even so much about weight loss as it is mental health. The physical health will follow naturally.

Jen

 

[mom418]

i appreciate the concern. i dont really know how to respond. i was definitely obcessive when i started, but i dont think i am now. i dont have have to count cal. just choose wisely, eating as fuel. for years i thought about my next meal long before i needed it, and dont do that often now.
i'm alot happier with myself, but there is alot of work to do. mentally.
just wanted clarify what meant. i used to think about food all the time, what kind, what vitamins i needed to eat, especially during pregnancy, on and on.
now i dont cook very often. i try to focus on other things during the day. what i've realized is that all that education, obsessing over having the right foods, isnt helping me. i still buy healthy food as before, but i dont eat all the fruit in 1 week. eating the portion i was meant to have, i really am fine, and saving some of the healthy food for later in the week or month is a really good thing. its still just food. my focus has to be on other things.
so i still think about food or if i'm hungry. but i dont plan specifics of what food until i am going to eat it.

 

[story1267]

Give FlyLady a try?

When I read your posts you sound like a really nice fit for what she offers.

http://www.flylady.com/

She offers a way to get your life under control. She does it very gently because she's been there. She understands the emotional aspect of not knowing what to do with yourself when you have a bunch of time on your hands and the downward spiral that can bring and the sheer misery.

Best part is, it's free.

Hang in there, don't give up on yourself.

 

[mom418]

thanks for your understanding. i have tried fly lady, but havent stuck with it. i'll try again.

 

[Skyy2]

Could you separate the two activities? Which one is more important to you now? If it is fitness - Mon/Wed/Fri - do your 60 min workouts. Tue/Thur - you could clean in the mornings (reverse the days if cleaning is more important to you at this time). Clean well enough on Tue/Thur- so that you will only have to tidy up on Mon/Wed/Fri.

I needed the FlyLady at one point too.

Skyy

 

[mom418]

thats a good idea. its so simple but hadnt thought about breaking it up onto different days in a long time.
and if i do a hard w/o then the 'cleaning' day could be a lighter and more time effecient.
also, as my body has gotten stronger, i can use wts to do exercises. as opposed to doing a million squats. makes for a much faster w/o.
another thing i can do is, on a day when i'm doing a cathe w/o on fit tv, clean first. it starts at 11am my time. then i'll want to get done with the cleaning.
its true too that once the big stuff is done, then its just about maintenance.

despite my cold and and stuffiness feeling right now, these ideas make me feel alot better thanks for reading and responding.

 

[mom418]

i started this thread to get some ideas on better time management. but as some cathletes pointed out, what i wrote about past behaviors is concerning. thanks again for the concern, and i'm so thankful for the genuine support and friendship i've found on here. it really does help to talk to others who understand, and i dont feel alone.
i'm writing to update and tell people that were worried about my behaviors, that i'm resolving to learn about this and learn healthy lifestyle. i think i have an eating disorder. one of the ones with compulsive over eating. i really have been doing better and learning to eat intuitively in the last about 6 months, but i still have alot to learn.
thanks again so much for the friendships, inspiration, and self confidence from doing cathe's w/o that i thought i couldnt do, and building muscle.

 

[mom418]

edit to add: ED just over eating. no purging, no extreme exercise after oe,instead i'm a sloth. have the most energy eating healthy, stopping when i'm full.

 

[janie1234]

Your posts were a bit concerning to me. They sound very obsessive and like you don't really have any balance in your life.

Jen

I would have to agree with Jen here. Is there any way you can get to a Dr. or a therapist? Sounds like you have a lot going on and that there are deeper issues. Not all people with eating disorders are emacitated and thin. Another red flag is that you feel more in control in your room, . . .you are isolated from everyone and everything, . . trust me I've been there before it is a scary place to be.
I know that gym memberships are not cheap but I would try to find a way to join one. Some gyms are really basic. You could also sign up for a local community exercise class. This is your health we are talking about and a Happy Mom makes for a Happy Home, . . at least that is my family mantra. Having the ability to take classes and socialize with others might help you get out of the depression. What is scary is that your house work will start to suffer and then something else, . . .I agree with the other poster who said that it is all about maintaince with regards to cleaning. I don't want to sound cruel but if you are not working and the kids are at school you should really have time to do the house work. Something else is stopping you from making house work and taking care of yourself a priority in your life. If your husband is starting to become irritated you marriage might even suffer. I hope that things work out for you. My heart goes out to you. Life is not easy and change is not easy. Taking the first step to changing anything is life is the hardest but once you make that step and take things a day a time you'll eventually be able to look back and be proud of the progress you have made. Hang in there.

 

[mom418]

you are exactly right. something is stopping me. me. losing wt. house cleaning. its all very easy. i get in my own way.
i'm working on figuring out how to get that balance.
i'm not sure which direction is best..like OA or other programs. but i have had success in reducing oe in the last 6 mo. in the last month or so havent been trying very hard to lose wt. instead i'm trying figure out what my mental block is. i lose the wt, then eat it right back. still not sure why, but some part of me wants to stay at this weight.however, maintaining 30# lost is a good thing. i am proud of that.
non scale victories:
i havent been depressed for a few weeks.
i hadnt over eaten a significant amount for a couple of wks, since i joined the checkin, untill a few days ago when i got sick.
munching this time while i was sick-just a cold, was less frequent and less intense than other times in that situation.
and as stated above i'm happier about my body, consistently exercising in aug.
lots of nsv's. that doesnt mean the problems are gone, but i do have the confidence that i can learn more and keep improving.
i knew i had a problem with oe, but i think i was in denial that i have that disorder. so my comments above may have seemed um, idk. i had just realized it. i try to help others when i can, too. and being honest is part of the healing. if i cant admit it to people that dont know me in rl, how can i be honest with myself? honestly i did cry today reading about it, and treatment steps, but i feel hopeful now. i'm not alone. there are so many online meetings and support groups out there, along with in person groups, its unreal. again thanks for support, and i'd love to help anyone if they need it any way i can. i've already made lots of lifestyle changes to be healthier, and i know i can keep improving.