VERY strange dating question

trixie108

trixie108

Cathlete
Ok, so I have been seeing this guy for a few months now, but here is the "problem"...I'm convinced he's gay!!! I mean, he's absolutely wonderful. He's super smart, has a great job and we have a blast together. And yes, we do have sex!

It's just his mannerisms, and the way he talks and laughs that make me wonder. He's a great cook, his apartment is decorated really nicely, and almost all of his friends are girls. Plus he dresses really well, which normally wouldn't be weird, but coupled with the other stuff, it makes me wonder...Plus one of the ladies at work made a comment that he seemed gay, so it's not just me! You know when you meet a guy, and there's just something about him, where you go "yep, he's definitely gay"...he has that!

I'm soo confused. I don't want to break up with him, because he's so great, but it's this constant nagging in the back of my mind that I can't seem to quiet:( I also don't want to end up as one of those women who get married and have kids, then find out 20 years later that my husband was gay the whole time ;)

Do you think I'm looking too much into this? I obviously can't ask him...What should I do???
 
He could be gay. Its entirely possible. Does he kind of have that Rock Hudson giggle and smile thing? Usually thats a pretty good indication. Remember that Elton John was once upon a time married to a woman and had sex with women. Usually, if they go to gay town, they tend to stay. This is a reasonable concern.
 
In the early 1980s I used to go out with a guy who was quite similar to what you describe. He was fun to be with, had an utterly charming earthy sense of humour, and liked to do the same things as I did. I think that he desperately wanted not to be gay. He told me one time that some people thought he was gay, but he was actually straight. I never "did the deed" with him because all my instincts were telling me not to. Eventually our paths diverged - he quit university, and I stayed there & met my eventual DH.

About 5 years later, I ran into him at the YMCA in a different city. He was thin and not very healthy looking (hair faded and thinning, skin dull and sort of blotchy). We talked a bit but he was not very communicative. He did tell me that he was living in a building that was located in the gay community (I think this was his way of admitting to me that he was gay without fully spelling it out). A couple of years later I learned he had died of AIDS.

Trust your instincts - you are right to be concerned. I think that if there is any way you can think of to bring it up with him, you should try to discuss this. Over time, this issue is going to become the elephant in the room, and it will get larger and larger until you acknowledge it. He is probably already picking up vibes that you are worried.

Stebby
 
He could be gay --- or bisexual.

I agree you need to trust your instincts that all may not be as it seems. Honesty is important in any relationship. Is there a way to ask him in a non threatening kind of way if he's ever been interested in or has he experimented with a relationship of the same sex? He may be more open if he doesn't think you are slamming or judging him. You do like the guy, after all. If he is bisexual, obviously you need to figure out if you could deal with that. And you for sure need to know one way or another.
 
Or rent "Brokeback Mountain" and see his reaction. Seriously, see how he reacts, what he says and all that.

I also agree with everyone else, usually your instincts are right. You need to talk to him about it.

Stebby - WOW on your story! How truly sad that his life was taken away from him from that horrible disease.
 
Do you think I'm looking too much into this? I obviously can't ask him...What should I do???[/QUOTE]

If you can't fully talk to him maybe he's not the one either way.:(
 
He could swing both ways. Either way if you you'll want to know whoever you are with you can be honest with. Tell him what you think. Try not to make a big deal out of it. Try the "slap and pat" meathod. Tell him great things about your relationship and then just lay it on him and ask him honestly or just tell him how you feel. Things like this always tend to come out better when you start with the positive, but remember if you are having such a great time with him does it really matter? Are you thinking future? My interior design teacher in college has been married for over 30 years and everyone is convinced that he is gay. Honestly he is such a great person that it just didn't really matter to me if he is or isn't but again, . . if you are thinking future you'll want to know now. Good luck.
 
IMO, sexuality isn't a black-and-white thing, but more of a continuum.

He could be gay.
He could be bi.
He could be really metrosexual.
He could be full-on hetro, but with some effeminate mannerisms.

I used to have a friend who I was SURE was gay (mannerisms, as you say), and even other gay friends of ours thought he was! But he wasn't at all (and unfortunately, I was not interested in him in the way he was interested in me).

Another friend I WAS interested in turned out to be gay (as were several of his friends, but I didn't catch on to one at first because he was hispanic, and I thought he was "European" and not gay, LOL!)....but then he went to some weird aversion counselling at his church (I imagined some "Clockwork Orange" type of 'therapy') and now is married and 'not gay'.

Hmmm...

I've thought I had developed pretty good gaydar, but I have been mislead by 'sensitive' men who seemed gay to me but ended up not being so. Like one who has been happily married to a friend of mine for years. (I had even told my friend I thought he was gay...he actually got a kick out of it when she told him after they started going out together).
 
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I have met a couple of gay guys who had absolutely none of the "gay manerisms" you are referring too. I have also met guys with with them that simply were not gay. You can't fit straight and gay into a nice neat category based on any given trait or set of traits. I understand your worry and you may be right, but it may be nothing.

I do agree that if you are looking into this as a long term relationship you need to be able to talk to him. Since I've never met him, I can't be of much help on how to do that so good luck!! If he has a good sense of humor and he's confident in his sexuality he may be fine with your asking. If not he could be offended.
 
Fitnessfreakk366 said:
Or rent "Brokeback Mountain" and see his reaction. Seriously, see how he reacts, what he says and all that.....
Click to expand...

OMG, I was going to say rent "Victor/Victoria"! (I love musicals!) :eek:

I personally would not ask if he were gay. If he's not, if it's never crossed his mind, then he's going to freak out that you think he is, and really, you are still going to have these nagging doubts. And if he is gay, well, he will probably deny it anyway, otherwise why would he be dating you?

I'd go with your guts instincts. Really, it's not called women's intuition for nothing, I think you know the answer, even if the answer is that he's not the right guy for you. Back off having sex, and maybe rachet down the relationship to just being friends. If you can maintain a friendship with a wonderful guy, well, that'd be wonderful!
 
I just have to say that I have two guy friends that fit the same description. Both married with kids now (knew them since Highschool). Neither are gay so far. Why mess with something good because of a stereotype? However if this is getting to you because you don't really like him then this could be your signal that you are looking for a way out! I can remember one of my boyfriends had really weird looking feet. I broke up with him because of his feet at the time (obviously didn't say that)... but really I just didn't find what I was looking for in the relationship.

good luck
 
I like what ligntening said! Is it a huge issue at this point? Maybe just ride out the relationship, enjoy yourself, and see where things go. Good luck to you!

Carrie
 
Gay.

I feel for you but if you keep trying you may eventually wind up one of those wives who, after 20 years, loses her man to another man but says to everyone "I always had a feeling but we had sex and he said..." Your situation is VERY common which is why I get so annoyed with people trying to make gay people un-gay. It can't be done and it causes tremendous private suffering when people have to deny their natures.

Why do they do it? Because It's Hell to be gay in a gay-hating world. Still, you already know the truth in your heart - and others have picked up on it. If you have any gay friends they can be very helpful. All that stuff about GAYDAR is true because I've had gay men and women friends tip me off before. He's probably not trying to cause damage, he just wants to live hassle-free "like everyone else" and some gay people publicly fake it their whole lives, lying to themselves and everyone else the whole time. Usually, though, they eventually come out, leaving for their true loves and walking away from a whole lot of damage. Don't be a beard for a man who needs to face the truth about himself.

Btw, the sex will taper off to nothing after the wedding. Ask a woman who's been there.
 
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Okay some others here have made a really good point. I agree that if his behaviors make you wonder if he's gay, rather then that he's "the guy for you", he's probably just not the right guy for you and you should probably end it even if it turns out he's not gay. You need to listen to your heart.
 
AAH! See this is what I'm talking about, lol!! I keep going back and forth with it. I just can't figure out an appropriate way to bring something like that up without hurting his feelings. And I'm totally crazy about him, so if I screw this up, I'm going to be really angry with myself. Maybe he IS just metro? And I don't want to dump him just because he has strange mannerisms. But at the same time, if it's bugging me now, will it get better with time, or will it get worse?? Oy! Thanks for all the input ladies...it seems I have a lot to think about!
 
Just talk to him. Really. You don't have anything to lose at this stage of the game. Yes, you are interested, but you need to be sure. A couple should be able to talk about anything.

Janie
 
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Just a few stray thoughts...

Observe him when you are in a restaurant or bar. Does his attention seem to be drawn to the great-looking guys or the great-looking girls? I don't advise anyone to snoop, but if you happened to notice an x-rated magazine collection in his house, that would be most telling. Ditto with any websites he might frequent.

Does he seem as engaged in sex with you as other men you have been with? Is he a little shy or passive sexually?

In my high school and college days I dated TWO guys who did turn out to be gay. Both of them "seemed" straight - tall, athletic, All-American, no lisping, no Judy Garland recordings, not especially well-dressed, etc. What they had in common was, the sex was not quite right with either of them, although both said they really wanted me - one kept losing it as the festivities wore on, time after time, and the other was very passive sexually, would not make any bold moves and was a little giggly as things progressed. I'm certainly not saying that any guy who is not aggressive sexually or who has occasional physical problems is gay, but combined with other things it might be a good clue.

Also, keep in mind that some straight men do appear effeminate and as far as anyone can determine they are straight. There is a very famous author who wrote a lot of books about the differences between men and women, who he said are from different planets. He appears to be very happily married but every time I've heard him speak I have to talk myself out of assuming he's gay because he speaks in a soft, lispish, gentle voice and is very sensitive and mild-mannered.

A final thought - if you are looking for a long-term relationship, do you want to spend the rest of your life (or however long) knowing that some people, like your friend at work, will think your husband/boyfriend might be gay, based on his mannerisms, etc.? That would bug me - even if I knew it not to be true, it would bug me to have to "defend" him.

I'm just rambling here. I hope that either he is straight and you two go off into the sunset together, or one way or the other the truth comes out (no pun intended) and you are both ok with it. Meanwhile, enjoy the friendship/whatever else :)
 
Oh do I know where you are coming from! I had the same issue. His friends would say "everybody thinks he's gay but he really isnt." Well you know what, he really was. But I was so young and foolish, I didnt know.

He used me a guise to hide what he really was. I was crazy about him too and actually got engaged to him! He was going to marry me knowing he was gay.

My clues: He never wanted me to initiate sex. If I did, he would get turned off. I never felt satisfied after sex with him. He couldnt relate to me the way a man relates to a woman during or after sex. When he initiated sex, I had to act like I didnt want to because if I acted like I wanted it too, it would turn him off. Also, he had a good friend and this friend called him a "bitch" one time. There were lots of subtle clues but I really didnt believe he was, until later. Now he lives with some guy and they bought a house together! I am so glad I got out when I did. I am now married to a wonderful man and have been for 11 years.

All I can say is go with your gut. If you ask him, he will deny it because why do you think he is with you?
 
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