Very OC - Pregnancy

Timber99

Timber99

Cathlete
A few things in my life have me thinking again about pregnancy and the fact that I guess I really do have issues with it. No better a group of ladies than those on this board to get some perspective and insight. I know that there are many walks of life here, experiences and certainly an intelligent, caring crowd that can make points, give advice, etc.

I am thirty. I want children at some point and I always have. I adore children! I have waited for a variety of reasons, the first and foremost being that I wanted to be settled in my career (Lawyer) and life (relationship) before starting that phase of life. However, the thought of *having* them not only scares the life out of me, but brings on a whole slew of emotions. I don't want to be pregnant. I am afraid to be pregnant. I see pregnant women and I don't see it as "beautiful," although the idea of a family and having children in my life is wonderful. Giving birth - oye. I certainly want to adopt at least one child but I feel like I'd be missing out on life if I don't also have at least one of my own. I know my feelings probably sound terrible and offensive to some and I don't mean it that way, but I realize that this is a setback for me (and my goals) and I don't seem to get past it.

A relative is in labor as I write this and has been since this morning. I was in Court today and watched a little girl be officially adopted. The two things sent my flying again...and I remembered again torn I am over this issue. Maybe it just means that I am not ready? Maybe it means that I need to take a step back and try to figure out something? Anyone else experience this?

Help!
Christine
 
If you wait until you think you are absolutely ready, you'll be 95;)

I, too, was terrified of being pregnant and particularly of giving birth. I'm not going to say it was easy. I had a pretty easy pregnancy, although I gained TONS of weight (60 lbs). If you check out my pictures, you'll see that it's completely possible to lose it! Labour was difficult. As you would expect it to be. But you get so caught up in DOING it, that you just don't have time to worry about how hard it is! And the end result is SO INCREDIBLY WORTH IT. I can't imagine life without my daughter. She's the centre of my universe.

If you love kids and you know you want kids, then do it! But you don't have to rush. You're only 30. You've still got lots of time, but make up your mind that you WILL do it. And I would vote for having your own, and then, if you want, adopt more.

This wasn't very articulate. Sorry about that. But you get the idea:)
 
I agree with Shelley...you can never be totally ready to have kids! My first was a surprise but I wouldn't change a thing.

I actually LOVED being pregnant. It was like having a little buddy around with me all the time. I sang to her, talked to her (do I sound a wee bit mental?!?) and LOVED feeling her move around. I even MISSED it after she was born!! I had 2 c-sections so it was a slow recovery but for both girls it is definitely 200% worth it. I can't imagine my life without my kids...they are my best friends and have taught me as much as I have taught them.

It sounds like you would be a great mom and would give some lucky child a wonderful and loving home - whether you have one of your own or adopt one.

Good luck in whatever you decide!

Angie :)
 
Not everyone is absolutely ready when they have a child, but if you feel you are where you want to be in life, professionally and with your relationship (married?), then have a child. I had a dog first and thought I could never love anyone more than him, until I had my son. I love him so much, I can't even explain it. If you love kids and know you are able to raise one then you should have one.

Luckily, I had a very good pregnancy. I felt wonderful all the time. For me, it was extremely difficult to gain weight. I ate and ate and ate! My dr. did make me stay overnight in the hospital to make sure I was eating. Geesh! I got up to 111 pounds the day he was born (gained 15 lbs). He was breech, so I had to have a cesarean.

It's not easy raising a child, but it's well worth every effort, every day.

Susan C.M.
Nothing should be jiggling, unless it's jiggling off. - Cathe in HSC
 
Hi Christine
I'm a lawyer too and I was originally not enthused w/ the idea of having kids. I know that if I had never had kids I definitely would have been totally devoted to my career. Then I got pregnant on my honeymoon by accident. My child turned out to have a severe heart defect (she looked totally normal but she wouldn't have lived past 30 w/o surgery) and she died at 6 months during surgery. It broke my heart but when I went from having "Mom" as part of my identity to no longer being a "Mom" I realized that I had a great desire to have more children. I had two more kids, but spaced them 5 years apart b/c between the 2 kids I again was trying to build my career plus I didn't want another kid unless my DH was totally amenable to the idea after what we had gone through. Well, they are the best things (well let's include my DH!) in my life. I can't explain the joy I feel w/ having my kids but they are so cool so amazing and such an eye opener when you are paying attention to so many daily aggravating issues and you realize what is really important in life. At least this is for me, b/c I can totally understand why some people choose to be child free which I also think takes alot of courage due to all the social pressure. So, in summation (counselor) I would say you need to sit down and write the pro's and con's down and really think carefully b/c it is a huge committment and sacrifice but it also can be a great source of joy in your life. My best friend (also a lawyer) is child free, married and has cats and a motorcycle. She is truly happy. Be true to your heart and best of luck in your decision.
 
Christine,

It sounds like it's the being pregnant part that is putting you off. Can you put your finger on WHAT ABOUT being pregnant you think is the most negative? If you give us more detail, we could address those concerns for you.

I didn't mind being pregnant. Actually, it was a really neat learning experience for me. Yes, sometimes I was uncomfortable but for the most part I remember it favorably. But...my daughter will be 30 in a couple of weeks...
 
First, let me say, Karen... I am so sorry.

Christine, if you are already in shape, that is half the pregnancy battle. Conventional wisdom used to be that pregnant women were fragile flowers who could easily go into labor by doing anything more strenuous than loading the dishwasher (never mind the hundreds of years prior where women were working in the fields until they gave birth!). If you are already fit and you continue to follow a reasonable program of exercise and clean living, your body is going to bounch back easily. I DIDN'T with my first and it took me a long time to become happy with my body again. But I did with my second, and I bounced back much easier (despite being 7 years older).

Pregnancy is a hard decision because having kids is so life-altering. But to me they are the most rewarding part of my life.

Good luck!

Marie
 
You're so NORMAL! Please...almost every woman I know has been scared of being pregnant and giving birth. All I can tell you is...you get over it. Being pregnant is a temporary thing. While I think it's something that you really gain alot from experiencing personally (there's nothing quite like the feeling of having your baby move inside you), there's also alot about it that isn't great. I went through it once and don't want to go through it again. And labor? It was brutal for me. But...again...you get through it. The end result is well worth it.

Adoption is a wonderful thing, but personally...I think of it as a means for people who can't conceive to have children. It seems to me that because there are so many couples out there who desperately want children, and it's such a difficult thing to adopt an infant, it wouldn't be fair for someone who can actually have their own to adopt.
Again...that's my personal opinion and don't mean to offend anyone. I wouldn't consider someone else selfish who chooses that, I just would feel selfish myself.

You know what I've observed? Many women who think their career is their goal learn a whole new way of looking at things when a baby comes along. I was one of them. I was headed up when I got pregnant, and now...I couldn't care less about being at the top. I'm quite happy in the middle.
 
Hey Christine --

I can't really offer any advice here since I don't have children -- but I was wondering why you would say "I certainly want to adopt at least one child but I feel like I'd be missing out on life if I don't also have at least one of my own".

Why would you feel like you'd be missing out on life by not being pregnant?

I think, in the end, it is the child and the feeling of nurturing a child in this world that is the important thing, right? So why must you go through a pregnancy? Do you think it is expected? What about women who cannot get pregnant? Are they missing out on life?

Just some questions you might want to answer for yourself. Whatever you choose, make sure you feel comfortable with your decision! It is your life and you should do what makes you happy!

Shonie
 
Well, I guess if I dig deep, and I feel like such a heel saying this, part of me is afraid of what it will do to my body. You are talking to a girl that used to be 80 pounds overweight and although I constantly exercise and take care of myself, being fit and healthy is a huge part of my life. That fear is always there that I will “fall of the wagon” and not get up again. I can’t imagine being pregnant and big, sick, uncomfortable. Since it seems like everyone I know is having children around me, I have seen some very easy pregnancies and some tough ones. I realize that it can be a very easy process. The thought of it all is very frightening to me though, as I imagine the pain and difficulty of labor. My mom was trying to tell me that it "is a good pain," but well…I’m not buying into that just yet!

Right now, I have a youngster in my life (BF’s daughter from a prior relationship – 11 year old girl) and I can’t imagine life without her. I love her like she is mine. The commitment to having and taking care of a child is not the issue at all, although I realize that it is a big commitment and a daily commitment. I *love* taking care of and hanging out with BF's daughter and only wish that she lived with us full time. That is something that I know I can handle (not right now but in the future). It will be hard b/c I have no family where I live, but it that is something that I know I can handle.

Oh yeah, and I won’t have a child unmarried so there is that step to take beforehand as well. We’ve been together 9 years and haven’t taken the plunge, for many reasons, but that isn’t really playing into this fear just yet.

Years ago, I swore that if there was no permanent relationship in my life at age 35, I would just have a child on my own. In some ways, I still feel that way, but really, the whole idea of *having* the child is the issue for me. I think I am backwards...most people fear the commitment of raising a child, don't they?
:eek:
 
Christine, it's funny that you post this. My husband and I just had a recent discussion (more of a brainstorming really) about the possibility of having another child.

I never wanted children. I was the kind of person who liked the routine of getting up in the morning, going to work 40 hours a week and getting paid on a regular basis. I loved being able to just grab my purse, hop in my car and go anywhere, whenever the mood struck me. Independence was everything. Well, I had my son and everything turned around COMPLETELY.

Let me tell you something about me now: Every day I live against the grain of my nature. There are days when I just want to jump off a cliff. Days when all I want to do is walk out the door, keep walking and never look back. It's hard being a mom when you never wanted to be one. Even tougher when your son is a special needs child.

BUT you're right. Having a family is wonderful. I won't say that all I've given up for the concept of family and all that it entails has been worth it. At least, not when you think of quantity and practical things like 401K's. I can say, however, that I've never been so connected with someone until I had my boy. The first time I felt the vague flutters of him in my belly, I knew I wanted to take care of this child and love him for everything he is worth.

Which is why, despite all I've been through, I've been asking myself if I want another one. Because I watch my child grow up and feel quite sorry that he's all alone. But there are questions my husband and I ask ourselves: Can we afford it? What if the next child will be just as high-maintenance as our son? What if he or she will have the same dysfunctions and need the same kind of therapy (or more)? Can we deal with that? If I have another child, I'll postpone going back to work even longer. Can I deal with that? Can I be happy? Can I find a way to make it all work out?

As you can see, this is not an easy decision. Don't say that your feelings are terrible and offensive. Of course, you weigh all these things in your mind. Having a child entails an incredible amount of work and sacrifice, and whether you're willing to handle that and HOW you're going to handle that are big issues you do have to confront since having a child isn't just about being pregnant and giving birth. Anyone can give birth, but not everyone, I believe, can mother. I didn't think I had it in me either. I had to learn -- and learn hard and fast. This was the steepest learning curve I've had to climb, which means that when I make a mistake, I fall hard. And every day I have to keep learning.

The decision to have kids or to stay childless is very, very personal and should be respected. I believe such decisions always have good reasons behind them. Give yourself a lot of time to think this over. 30 is not a late age to have kids. And it's okay to not see pregnancy as "beautiful". Beautiful was the last thing I felt when I waddled everywhere during my third trimester. Or when I almost yelled, between grunts, at the anesthesiologist to get the darn epidural in already!:) But watching my boy bloom is beautiful. Yesterday he was making bubbles with a big wand on our driveway. Pretty soon another boy his age joined him. After that, a bunch of much older boys started chasing after the bubbles. People who drove by would slow down. Sometimes they'd stop, point and laugh. One of those times when I felt hopeful. And the good thing is, I feel this more and more as my kid gets older.

Sorry this is long.

Pinky
 
To make you feel better....I also dont think pregnancy is "beautiful" nor does the thought of being pregnant or giving birth appeal to me, in fact, breastfeeding grosses me out, lol! No offense meant to anyone, just different strokes for different folks. You just have to do what's right for you! Good Luck in your decisions!
 
Awww...Pinky -- that was just BEAUTIFUL :) I could imagine the scene just as you described it! I can tell you are a great mom.

If you have one of those "jumping off the cliff" days. Give me a call. I'll talk you down (or join you) :)

Shonie
 
Awwwwwwww Pinky. That made me well up *sniff*. Just beautiful. And it sums it up so well. Not every day is wonderful and there are days when you think "man, what I'd give to just be able to do something on a whim". But then you have a "moment" with your child and everything gets shifted into perspective and your heart fills up with love and you can't imagine being without them EVER.
 
I too am a career person, always have been, always will be. I have two young children--ages 4.5 and 2.5. I wasn't sure I wanted children, and wasn't very enamoured with the thought of pregnancy, either time.

I have to tell you, the hormones that are released that maintain the pregnancy work wonders. They make you actually tolerate pregnancy well, maybe even go so far as to like some parts of it. They also make you want that baby, no matter what, making labor, as painful as it can be, just something that is a means to an end.

As for your body: I gained about 50 pounds with each pregnancy. However, I did no exercise whatsoever with either one--tried-just couldn't do it. I have several friends who have exercised up until the day they delivered--it can be done. It was a long road back, but not impossible. You lost 80 pounds once--this shouldn't be an issue for you!

As for your career: I guess it depends upon what type of attorney you are: do you work 80 hour weeks at a private firm, or are you a corporate or public sector lawye?. Both those two fit easily with family life in my observation. In my case, I work about a 50 hour week, but I have a spouse who works 40 and picks up a lot of slack for me. He is not as driven as I and prefers it that way. Every situation is different.

Bottom line. It is worth it. You will make it work for you and your family. This is 2005 and companies (or firms, etc) get that we have lives. If I need to be home with a sick child or take one somewhere, I do it. My kids are my life, and when I'm with them, I'm with them completely because I have my own existence at work. I could not be a stay-at-home-mom. I admire those that can. Both my kids are happy and they attend a terrific daycare program with a good curriculum. We are happy with our decisions, and you will be too.
 
Christine,

I know many women gain a lot of weight during pregnancy. This is not a necessity. You just have to watch it, just like you probably do anyway. My SIL is pregnant with her first child right now and has gained over 50 lbs already. She's not due until the end of May. Her attitude is that she is just not going to worry about it and eat what she wants. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you're careful, you do not have to gain a lot of weight.

I agree with the hormones making pregnancy tolerable. It must be mother nature's way of taking care of things. My labor was not that bad. I had my daughter without any anesthetic except lidocaine for the episiotomy. It wasn't pleasant but it wasn't awful.

I also agree with the person who said you really don't have to make the decision now. You will not stop making eggs at thrity, or even forty but the older you get, the harder it MAY be to get pregnant. And then there is always adoption. Hundreds of children out there without parents and I'm sure any of them would love to call you Mom.
 
>Hundreds of children out there without parents and I'm sure
>any of them would love to call you Mom.


Okay, now you made me cry.
:eek:

Thank you all for your input. I just got a call that my cousin is now officially a "Mom!" and has a new baby girl.

As for me...I have some thinking to do!
 
Being pregnant with my first child...all I can offer here is my outlook on pregnancy...keeping in mind that I am having what I consider to be an easy pregnancy....

Pregnancy is like nothing you will ever experience. It is sooo wonderful! To feel your unborn baby move inside of you is such an INCREDIBLE feeling...it's indescribable! I am sure that holding my son for the very first time will beat it, but it will be something that I will always cherish!

Sure I have my aches, my pains, my sleepless nights, etc...but none of that matters when I feel my baby move. It brings a smile to my face every single time!

I have gained 30 pounds at I am 7.5 months along. I don't feel I have ruined my body (which I also work hard at) because I see very little weight in any other area but my belly. I have exercised through out and will continue to do so until I give birth...though I may slow down a bit. lol I feel you can definately control the affect that pregnancy has on your body to a point and if you are already a committed exerciser, trust me, you won't WANT to give it up when you get pregnant. Now, if some unfortunate circumstances occur and you are advised not to exercise for some period of time, that is something that you will have to deal with when/if it were to happen.

I am coming up on my due date quickly and have heard countless child birth stories from the "horror stories" to the ones who felt it was a completely tolerable experience....take them all with a grain of salt. Every experience is different. No matter what my experience ends up being I am sure that, just like every other woman-even the ones with the "horror stories", it just won't matter anymore as soon as I hold my baby in my arms for the first time!

ETA:I am not one who views the pregnant body as a thing of beauty either but I have accepted my "new shape". I know it is only temporary and it is a TRULY AMAZING thing when you think about it.

I don't know if this will help you in your decision at all but I thought I'd share just incase...Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!:)

~Wendy~

I smoked my last cigarette on March 17, 2004 at 10:00 pm!

http://lilypie.com/days/050519/1/0/1/-5/.png[/img]
EDD: 05/19/05
 
Christine ~

I hesitated to respond with this story because I fear that I will be "blasted" on here for insinuating that childless people will end up as my neighbor has ended up. So, let me preface my story by emphasizing that I know that having children doesn't guarantee you companionship in your old age. I have two beautiful kids who may fly the coop and leave me high and dry when I'm 80, but let me explain what we're going through in my rural neighborhood.

I have a neighbor who is 80 years old, a retired school teacher. She never married, never had children, and lived with her older brother and sister in the "homeplace" all her life. NONE of three ever married or had children (strange, I know, but that's the situation). About 10 years ago, her brother passed away. Five years ago, her sister passed away. This lady has been living by herself for the past 5 years, in the country, in the same house she was born in. She is still trying to care for a 90 year old house that has a wood-burning stove as heat. It's the saddest situation I've ever seen. She has no family at all, absolutely no one. A friend of ours always looks out for her. He takes her to her doctor visits, cuts her grass, makes sure her pipes don't freeze. We just found out that the dear lady is going blind, due to diabetes. She's going to have to be put in a nursing home and is trying to figure out how to "give/sell" our friend her property before it becomes the state's property to pay for her nursing home care. I just feel so horrible that it has come down to "strangers" coming into her home since she has no one. (Yes, we're her neighbors, but all of her "friends" and family have passed away, and when I say "neighbors", this is a very rural area, so I'm talking 5-10 miles away "neighbors.")

Anyway, I hope this doesn't offend anyone without children. I KNOW that I may end up just like her, even though I have children. This is just the situation that we're going through right now and it just breaks your heart to see someone so alone.

Now, for the pregnancy part, I had two deliveries without anything at all. I have scoliosis and was told that I run the risk of paralysis if I had an epidural, so I chose the pain! The birthing process isn't bad at all. Sure, it hurts, but honestly, it just feels like you've got a major urge to sit on the toilet for awhile! :+

Good luck in your decisions,
Sarah
 
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