Very O/T- Modern Weddings

nancy324

nancy324

Cathlete
How are weddings handled these days for couples in their mid-late twenties? Do the parents send out invites that indicate that they are "hosting" the affair, or does the couple host their own affair which can be unofficially financed in major part by the parents? If the parents are supposed to "host" the affair, should they assume they have rights to invite guests of their choosing or should they wait for the children to tell them how many people they can invite?

Does anyone have any recent experience with this stuff? Thanks!
 
AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!

Oh how I would hate to deal with this.

No advice from me Nancy, sorry, just sympathy!
 
I feel for you too!! I got married almost 3 years ago and had the same questions. I bought a bunch of books and really researched wedding "etiquette" b/c I had never really been involved in the planning of a wedding. I'll tell you what we did, which was as close to "proper" as I thought I could get. My parents hosted (Paid for) the wedding and reception, so their names were on the invite (Mr. and Mrs......request your presence at the marriage of....) and we decided to go ahead and include my husband's parents name on the invitation (.....so-and-so, the son of Mr. and Mrs.........). We included them just to be nice, but you don't actually have to unless they paid for a portion of the wedding or reception. My parents let us invite whoever we wanted and I let them invite who they wanted. We're a pretty easy-going bunch!! We also let my husband's parents give us a list of who they wanted to invite--but be careful b/c we ended up with 350 people at our reception!! My husband's parents hosted and paid for the rehearsal dinner so they pretty much invited their whole family, which I didn't realize until I showed up!! But I didn't care. The way I understood it, if you let someone else host and pay for your event, you pretty much give up quite a bit of control over who's invited to what. I hope this helps and good luck w/ your planning! My advice is to run away with your fiance and get married on the beach somewhere!! :p
 
I got married for the first time (and with luck, last time) at age 32 in 2000. My husband and I planned and paid for our wedding, including plane fare and Bed&Breakfast fees for my parents and other close family. My father contributed about 10% of the costs. We did send out traditional invitations -- Mr. and Mrs. so-and-so invite you to the wedding of their daughter. . . I figured out how many people we could have, and then talked to our parents. They had some additions to our list which we were easily able to include. As my husband and I were older when we got married and had already been established "professionally" and with new friends where we lived, it just seemed natural to us that we plan and pay for our own wedding. My father wanted to contribute and, of course, we welcomed him to do that. [We did cheat a bit and didn't let him know the "real" prices of things. Since we had the money at the time, I'd rather that my parents use the money for themselves.] My husband and I were lucky, though -- planning this wedding was one of the easiest things I've ever done! From hearing what others have to say about what they've gone through, I feel very, very fortunate!
 
A bit of advice and sympathy! This will be a very exciting but frustrating time in your life. The two most important things to do are:
Communicate!
Plan, plan, plan!

My baby daughter got married in June. She's a young 22 so we footed the bill. DH didn't give her a budget, he just demanded line item veto! $$ add up quickly so you need to prioritize what's most important to you. Plan!

Set a date & reserve the church or other location quickly. A year in advance is not too soon for the church or the reception site.

Decide the number of guests then communicate! Everyone should make lists & go over them together and compromise. Follow up with those folks who don't rsvp. It's tough paying for food, space etc. to not have it used.

There are lots of books out there on planning weddings as well as internet websites. Check out the library too. Ask for recommendations from recently married folks as well.

Most of all, HAVE FUN! I have never smiled & laughed so much as at this wedding & reception. Watching two young folks who are friends as well as lovers get married while surrounded by family and friends was absolutely delightful! All the planning made it easier to enjoy!

Good luck and best wishes!

Kay
 
I'm not getting married! I got married 3 years ago and broke every rule in the book and my folks were behind my 100% because they raised me to be a rule-breaker. But now that my stepson seems on the road to marriage, I feel like I'm entering a strange new world with rules and etiquette and it's scary. Suddenly even my DH is turning into a pod person (from Invasion of the Body Snatchers). I just don't understand the concepts here, and I'm trying to get a handle on what the rest of the world is doing.

I thought a wedding was supposed to be all about the couple getting married, but maybe I'm wrong? Maybe in part it's supposed to be about the parents and their agendas as well??

-Dazed and Confused
 
Hi Nancy,

I applaud you on having a "rule breaking" wedding! I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you on this one, it seems everything I've read about invitation etiquette has been stated here already. I just wanted to share; I am 30 and getting married in April. I have no desire to follow all the "rules" that seem to be thrown in a woman's face the second she gets engaged - blech to all that I say! We know what we want and our parents have so far been behind us with everything. What annoys me to no end are the people who say "oh, now you'll want to do this" and "you should probably have this, that's the way it's usually done," and so on and so forth. I know that people are trying to be helpful so I try to appreciate that on an individual basis. It’s when it becomes one person after another (from friends to the women at the bridal boutiques) that I get frustrated. By now I am so uninterested in other people’s thoughts on "the way it is done" that I now just smile politely and move on.

I wish you the best of luck with your stepson's wedding!
:)

Liz
 
Lizzie,you are a woman after my own heart! How refreshing to hear from you! I'm sure your wedding will be wonderful! Congratulations!
 
Your second post was so funny to me. I was going to answer your first post with "why does there have to be protocol" and then thought it was none of my business.

When DH and I married 5 years ago, we did everything according to the way we wanted....but we paid for the wedding ourselves. Instead of a "by the rules" wedding, we did it our way....right down to the live goldfish in our tropical island centerpiece that DH designed and made. Most everyone says it was the most fun wedding they ever attended. The fact that I almost tripped up the steps on my wedding dress and said, "Oh, crap" kind of relaxed everyone. To this day family and friends remind me of my grand entrance!

If things are going to be done according to social etiquette, I would think you and DH are going to be off the hook for most of the expense. My brother just got married and my Mom was in charge of the guest list, invitations and expenses for the rehearsal dinner, the gifts for the groomsmen and I believe the flowers for the groomsmen. I don't recall her telling me about anything else.

Hopefully you have a good relationship with the bride's parents. I would think communication is going to be the important!

Edited to say we didn't get married in a church so my verbal reaction to almost tripping wasn't as bad as it sounds....at least I like to think it wasn't.:+
 
Candi-
how old were you 5 yrs ago when you got married? We older folks know how to do it our way and not care what anyone else thinks. We can also afford to pay for our own weddings. But what are the younger folks up to? That's what I'm wondering.

I don't want my DH thinking he can control the guest list or anything else just because we contribute financially. I'd rather just give them the money, and let them do what they want. I'd rather not be stated as the "host" on the invitation, because I want them to pick what they want, and don't want to be associated with a style that isn't mine. I'm sure they'll do something religious and traditional, which just isn't me. But I'm happy to finance it and see them get what they want. Am I making sense??? Am I nuts??
 
Okay, Nancy, go ahead and remind me I was 45 years old!:7

My baby brother was married last February. He was 31 and his wife was 28. It was sort of a traditional wedding, although it was not in a Church, it was outside in a courtyard. The Bride's parents footed the bill per protocol. THere were 150 invitations sent out and I think there were about 120 in attendance. My brother was entirely helpless during the planning phase. He didn't want to rock the boat. My SIL has beautiful, refined taste so things were very classically done. The words used by the officiator were canned....UGH, he even used the 'obey' word.

I think what you want to do is very, very sweet and extremely generous. Give them the money and let them go for it...do the wedding the way they want. What is wrong with that? Absolutely nothing in my opinion...just give them a budget so they don't overdo. With wedding planning these days...that would be so easy.

I have been to weddings where younger people get married and the parents have footed the bill and you can tell it was all about the parents and what they wanted...what a shame.

http://www.topweddingsites.com/wedding_etiquette.html
http://www.topweddinglinks.com/etiquette.html
 
What you're saying you want sounds like a dream come true for most brides!

I just got married three months ago and was 26 at the time. DH and I paid for everything except the reception itself (which, of course, is the big chunk since it's food and booze).

We had a very traditional wedding and the invitation listed my parents as the hosts. I am very fortunate to have a wonderful mother who was always ready with advice but never tried to run the show, except when I needed her! DH's mother took a backseat voluntarily but I tried to include her on things (I think she was trying extra hard to NOT be overbearing but tended to come off uninterested).

DH and I also paid for the rehearsal dinner but that is traditionally given and paid for by the groom's parents. I have had a lot of friends get married lately (I'm at that age) and they all basically plan the dinner even though the groom's parents are footing the bill.

As far as the guest list goes: we gave them free reign on inviting whomever they chose but ended up limiting his extended family because he has about 900,000 people in it! The main things that come into play on the guest list are budget and room capacity - you can't bust those two things! I tend to think that the bride and groom's guest list comes first (they ARE the ones uniting after all) and then the parents' come next if there is room for more guests. Hopefully all sides can be civil and should try really hard to be - there is enough going on without the young couple having to worry about feuding in-laws!

From my experience, I was happiest when I could get people's gracious OPINIONS but always have the final decision be my own.

Let me know if I can answer anything else - I am fresh off the wedding-mode!
 
I'm getting married in October. :)

I'm 35 and we're paying for most of it ourselves. If the couple pays, then they should be able to say how many can be invited.

My mom is helping with 1/3rd of it.

Usually if the parents are paying, they pretty much have the rights to invite guests of their choosing.
 
Hey Candi! I was 45 when I got married too! That was 3 years ago. No wonder we had such fabulous weddings. We knew our own minds.

My wedding was SO lovely. We got married in a beautiful garden on a sunny day in a gorgeous, green setting. I didn't have my parents give me away. I thought it was nicer to walk down the aisle with my groom, so I did. Besides, my parents can't get rid of me that easily. They're stuck with me. }( Everything was picture perfect. The food was splendid. No rubber chicken or slabs of beef anywhere in sight. Our wedding party consisted of all our nieces and nephews. The kids were so much fun!! We had branches of leaves made into circles that the girls wore on their heads, and they looked so pretty. Our ring bearers and flower children were triplets who were as cute as could be. My sister-in-law was appalled that we got married on a Saturday, because it's not allowed in the Jewish religion or something, but we ignored her. Maybe I'll dig up some pics and post em.

What can I say, we old folks know how to throw a party.
 
Dani,
I'm disagreeing with you. I don't think the parents have any right to invite guests unless the bride and groom give them that right. And it's up to the bride and groom how many guests the parents get to invite, if any. I'm starting my own book of wedding etiquette. None of the others make any sense to me. When you pay for your kids college, you don't tell them which school they have to go to. You may make suggestions, but the choice is theirs. So what if it's your money? Financing school and cars and weddings is part of a parent's job. That doesn't give you the right to run their lives.

I'm gonna fight my DH on this. And he is NOT going to win. Even if it is his kid. }(
 
Hi Nancy!

I agree with you though! That's the way it *should* be. It's the bride and groom's day. I'm on theknot.com Chicago message boards all the time and it seems that most of the parents just assume, if they're paying, they have the say on who they invite. You should see how many vents there are about parents and future in-laws on that board! LOL!

It just seems that right now, that's how it's happening. The parents who pay invite whomever they want.


I also agree with not following all of the "rules". One that I really don't like is that only friends (non relatives) can throw a shower for you. What if your bridesmaids don't have that kind of money? I don't want them spending all kinds of money on me anyway. My mom is throwing my shower and I know a lot of my friends had their moms throw their showers too.

:)
 
Thanks for the info, Dani. I'm determined not to become one of those kinds of parents. And my DH isn't going to be allowed to either. :+
 
Dani-
Are we back to showers again? They seem to go in and out of style. When I was a young adult, engagement parties were all the rage. The old-fashioned showers seem like they would be politically incorrect today. What happens at a modern shower? I fear I may be hopelessly out of date.
 
Nancy,

Your wedding sounded like it was just what you wanted. So was ours. I also did not want to be given away. I figured at my age and all I had been through, I wanted to walk by myself with my head held high. It felt so good. Then again, maybe if someone was walking with me, I wouldn't have almost tripped!:+ We asked the best man's wife to officiate because she is a notary. She purchased a tux and looked very official. Even though our wedding was in the evening, I could not bear to not invite children. After all, my grand-daughter was the flower girl. DH loves to tell the story that he planned his marriage very efficiently. He was 41 when we got married...his very first marriage. On that day he became a husband, step-father and grandfather at the same time.

Instead of a sign in book we asked everyone to sign a matting that we framed with a couple of our wedding pictures. It's in our bedroom and everytime I see that picture, I remember how happy a day it was for us and how much fun we all had.

What does your stepson and his fiance want? Silly question. They probably want to plan it themselves. DH should honor what they want.
I'm sure he wants all their memories of the special occasion to be good ones.
 
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