Are any of you dealing with eldercare issues who can give me any advice? My 90 year old father is living with my husband and I. His care is now beyond what I can give. He kept me up most of the night. I am so tired. I have a full time job but I couldn't go today. He has cancer...but it is the slow growing kind. We do not know how long he has to live. I love him a lot. We plan on putting him in assisted living so he has the medical care he needs. He refuses home care givers. This is the toughest thing I have ever dealt with. We just got back from ER in the hospital. His pain is chronic and there is little they can do. I feel like my dad wants me to do something only God can do. HELP
venting
- Thread starter Jamn
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My2girls
Cathlete
Bless you and your husband for caring for your father right now. I have not done this myself but my MIL and several friends are going through this or have. It is so tough, tiring and sometimes not one thank you!
Does your father's drs. give him a certain time to live? Sometimes hospice can step in when there is less than 6 months and really help manage the pain.
Again, you are a blessing to your father and I will keep you in my prayers for the right choices that lie ahead.
Mary
Does your father's drs. give him a certain time to live? Sometimes hospice can step in when there is less than 6 months and really help manage the pain.
Again, you are a blessing to your father and I will keep you in my prayers for the right choices that lie ahead.
Mary
andtckrtoo
Cathlete
My mom passed away from liver cancer a few years ago. I don't know which is harder, a fast disease (mom was gone in 9 months after her diagnosis), or the slow ones that seem to take forever. Either way, it's so hard to see someone you love in pain. What kind of pain control is your father on? When mom was diagnosed, they immediately put her on a morphine patch and that helped control the pain. That was a godsend. At first my mom was worried about getting addicted, but the doctor convinced her that she needed her strength to fight the cancer and that being in pain interfered with her ability to fight the cancer. If his doctor will not prescribe something like this, maybe he's going to the wrong doctor (unless the doc feels he has a reasonable chance at recovery).
Definitely call hospice to see what they have to offer. We did and they were able to provide a lot of home care services. And when she did pass on, they came out and pronounced her dead and handled the details with the coranor's office that no relative wants to deal with. What is your dad's reasoning for refusing home care givers? I feel for you, honey - this has to be so tough and you have to feel as if you're going through this alone. Have you considered trying to lessen your burden in other ways? Such as many of the larger cities have people who will cook healthy meals and deliver them so that you don't have to cook. Hire a maid once a week (or once every other week) so your cleaning is kept to a minimum. Will your employer allow you to work from home a few days a week so that you can be there for your dad? Do you have siblings or relatives who can help even if it's just a few hours a week or drive him to the many medical appointments I'm sure he has? I think until you can put him in assisted living you need to be creative in the ways that free up your time so that you can relax. I hope you find your way through this quagmire. {{{HUGS}}}
Definitely call hospice to see what they have to offer. We did and they were able to provide a lot of home care services. And when she did pass on, they came out and pronounced her dead and handled the details with the coranor's office that no relative wants to deal with. What is your dad's reasoning for refusing home care givers? I feel for you, honey - this has to be so tough and you have to feel as if you're going through this alone. Have you considered trying to lessen your burden in other ways? Such as many of the larger cities have people who will cook healthy meals and deliver them so that you don't have to cook. Hire a maid once a week (or once every other week) so your cleaning is kept to a minimum. Will your employer allow you to work from home a few days a week so that you can be there for your dad? Do you have siblings or relatives who can help even if it's just a few hours a week or drive him to the many medical appointments I'm sure he has? I think until you can put him in assisted living you need to be creative in the ways that free up your time so that you can relax. I hope you find your way through this quagmire. {{{HUGS}}}
looking good
Cathlete
Jamn,
I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. I have a MIL with Alzehimers and is only 71 and we had no choice but to put her in a nursing home because she was no longer safe. I understand and hear your fustration because I was there just a few months ago and the decision either way is never easy.
I will say a prayer for guidance.
Therese
I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. I have a MIL with Alzehimers and is only 71 and we had no choice but to put her in a nursing home because she was no longer safe. I understand and hear your fustration because I was there just a few months ago and the decision either way is never easy.
I will say a prayer for guidance.
Therese
pink_fortitude
Banned
Jamn, ((((((((HUGS)))))))) My heart goes out to you. We have dealt w/ this, can't imagine anything worse other than the loss of a child. The best thing that I can suggest is hospice like the others. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and thoughts.
Missy
Missy
Thanks so much for the suggestions. I will have to ask about hospice in his case. He hasn't been told he has 6 months or less to live. One doctor (not his own) suggested hospice...but no other doctor has confirmed it.
He doesn't like care givers for many reasons....The caregivers we had for my mother were inadequate in his opinion and he kept firing then ALL. His reasons for this varied. Some he couldn't understand; he has a hearing problem and many have accents. If they used their cell phones he fired them and if they took breaks for too long, he fired them. Caregivers came to the job smiling, and left crying every time.
I have a sister, but she is of a different faith. She lives in a different state and she wants me to fly him to her. He doesn't want me to fly him there as he wants to be near his pastors at this critical time.
I really think assisted living plus hospice might be the right answer. The assisted living place will accept him today if our doctor fills out the paper work. If any of you are into praying....please pray that the doctor has the time.(He said he is booked today and may not get to it) This would help so much so I could go back to being a daughter, rather than being THE SOLE caregiver.
Thanks for the support. You guys really do seem to understand. Keep the suggestions coming!!!
He doesn't like care givers for many reasons....The caregivers we had for my mother were inadequate in his opinion and he kept firing then ALL. His reasons for this varied. Some he couldn't understand; he has a hearing problem and many have accents. If they used their cell phones he fired them and if they took breaks for too long, he fired them. Caregivers came to the job smiling, and left crying every time.
I have a sister, but she is of a different faith. She lives in a different state and she wants me to fly him to her. He doesn't want me to fly him there as he wants to be near his pastors at this critical time.
I really think assisted living plus hospice might be the right answer. The assisted living place will accept him today if our doctor fills out the paper work. If any of you are into praying....please pray that the doctor has the time.(He said he is booked today and may not get to it) This would help so much so I could go back to being a daughter, rather than being THE SOLE caregiver.
Thanks for the support. You guys really do seem to understand. Keep the suggestions coming!!!
fitover40
Cathlete
I totally empathize with your situation. I've been on both sides of the coin and neither is any easier than the other, the trials and tribulations are just different. Both my parents passed away in less than a month after diagnosis (and both within 2 months of each other). I never thought I'd live through it. We get stronger from lives challenges. My father-in-law lived with us for 4 months and that was enough, thankfully one of the sibs was able to get him into assisted living without too much of a fight. Now we are dealing with more health issues for him and no money and no government aid because of assets held with his other brothers. Anyway, try to get help and know that you will get through this and you will be stronger because of it.
Miss Lee
Cathlete
You're a wonderful daughter and your dad is so lucky to have you. You must be so exhausted -- it's just to much for anyone to bear.
We went through something similar with my mom a few years ago and had to put her in a nursing home. She was in her mid eighties and sharp as a tack, but she was unsteady on her feet and safety became an issue. Like others have mentioned, I would give hospice a shot, and if he isn't a candidate for that, I would try a nursing home. At ninety and with cancer, I would think he'd qualify for more than assisted living.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Good luck and let us know what you figure out.
We went through something similar with my mom a few years ago and had to put her in a nursing home. She was in her mid eighties and sharp as a tack, but she was unsteady on her feet and safety became an issue. Like others have mentioned, I would give hospice a shot, and if he isn't a candidate for that, I would try a nursing home. At ninety and with cancer, I would think he'd qualify for more than assisted living.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Good luck and let us know what you figure out.
Redeye
Cathlete
>His care is now beyond what I can give. He kept me up
>most of the night. I am so tired.
I have been there with my mother. One person can NOT give 24-hour care. It's just impossible.
The hospital's hospice person put me in touch with several personal care homes. I visited them and chose one close to my home. My mother got such excellent care that she thought she was getting well.
This was the best decision I ever made for myself and my mother.
Good luck. I know this is so hard. (((HUG)))
>most of the night. I am so tired.
I have been there with my mother. One person can NOT give 24-hour care. It's just impossible.
The hospital's hospice person put me in touch with several personal care homes. I visited them and chose one close to my home. My mother got such excellent care that she thought she was getting well.
This was the best decision I ever made for myself and my mother.
Good luck. I know this is so hard. (((HUG)))
LaughingWater
Cathlete
((Jamn)) I wish you and your father much strength and love. <3
LeanneM
Cathlete
Dear Jamn,
Just sending you {{{HUGS}}}! Please know that it's OK to not try to do all this on your own; caregiving is a huge task, and putting your father into the hands of professional caregivers will ensure that he gets the help and care he needs. Several of my family members have been through hospice, and it really is a wonderful program! I know how hard this is, but he's lucky to have you as a daughter!
Just sending you {{{HUGS}}}! Please know that it's OK to not try to do all this on your own; caregiving is a huge task, and putting your father into the hands of professional caregivers will ensure that he gets the help and care he needs. Several of my family members have been through hospice, and it really is a wonderful program! I know how hard this is, but he's lucky to have you as a daughter!
jodijodi
Cathlete
So sorry to hear how difficult things are for you. We have had some similar issues with my in-laws, who also fired every caregiver we sent their way (MIL is about to kick another one out the door any day now.) I don't have much advice beyond what others have recommended, but you're in my thoughts and prayers that you can find a solution soon. Good luck!
SirenSongWoman
Cathlete
Good nursing facilities are a Godsend but, since it's hard to tell what kind of facility your loved-one is in, it's important to visit frequently and at lots of different times, just to make sure everyone's on their toes. With the exception of one nurses aid (whom I got fired), everyone at my late mother's facility was wonderful and very caring. After two overdoses on blood thinners (and after her doctor insisted on 24-hour care), we had no choice.
The type of care your father needs now can no longer be provided by you and he needs 'round the clock PROFESSIONAL care. Believe me, you will feel so relieved to be at work knowing nobody's at home leaving a pot on the stove, burning down the house. My mother was my best friend my whole life but I visited her every day and have no regrets.
Ease your mind.
The type of care your father needs now can no longer be provided by you and he needs 'round the clock PROFESSIONAL care. Believe me, you will feel so relieved to be at work knowing nobody's at home leaving a pot on the stove, burning down the house. My mother was my best friend my whole life but I visited her every day and have no regrets.
Ease your mind.