I have a good friend who is smart, warm and loving. She has a son and a daughter, ages 9 and 10. She is one of the best mothers I know: patient but firm, engaging, fun. Both children are extremely bright, but her son is borderline brilliant. He taught himself to read when he was three, could do geometry in 2nd grade, and has a huge base of scientific and geographical knowledge. The other side (which is often the case) is that this boy is very socially immature. Over the years, I have watched him being disruptive again and again at swim practice, library story-time, parties and boy scouts. He gets behavior slips at school almost daily. He went ballistic at the pool this summer because he got a splinter and his mom told me, "if you think this is bad, you should have seen him at the dentist last week." People avoid friendships with this family because they can't stand being around the poor kid and a couple families I know have even decided not to join the local pool because they didn't want their kids to be around him all the time. Her daughter is often not invited to people's houses because of him. I am no expert, but because he flaps his arms when he runs and has a couple of "ticks," I've been thinking he might be mildly autistic or have a similar condition.
I've always wondered why his parents have never had him tested and have suggested a couple of times that she do so, or at least talk to a school counselor about steps she can take to help him. His teachers have never recommended she do so and she has never asked.
So the other day she asked me if she came off as unapproachable or snobbish, because her husband remarked to her that she never seemed to have extra kids around the way all of her friends do, probably because she sent out those signals. His comments had really upset her. I told her that just the opposite was true - that she's one of the kindest, warmest people I knew, but I didn't have the heart to tell her it's because of her son. Then yesterday at swim practice, he was not following directions and she said something to me about it, wondering why he was always like that. This time I blurted out in no uncertain terms that she should have him evaluated, that she's doing him, her daughter and the rest of the family a huge disservice by not looking into this more, and that if she doesn't soon it might be too late. I told her what I thought about her husband's comments and, when she asked me if other people talked about it, I had to admit that they did. (She's very sensitive to what others think about her, so this was especially hard.) I said that it's not normal for a 9-yr-old to pitch a fit several times a day and that if he were as behind academically as he was socially, she and her DH would have had him evaluated long ago.
Although the conversation hurt her, she didn't seem to be mad at me. I told her I wasn't going to approach the subject again or ask her if she'd gotten him evaluated yet, but if she wanted to talk about it, I'd always be there.
Do you think I did the right thing or should I have butted out? What if his problems are just a part of his personality and there's nothing they can do? I don't want her to distance herself from her friends or feel ostracized. I just want this poor child to get help before it's too late.
I've always wondered why his parents have never had him tested and have suggested a couple of times that she do so, or at least talk to a school counselor about steps she can take to help him. His teachers have never recommended she do so and she has never asked.
So the other day she asked me if she came off as unapproachable or snobbish, because her husband remarked to her that she never seemed to have extra kids around the way all of her friends do, probably because she sent out those signals. His comments had really upset her. I told her that just the opposite was true - that she's one of the kindest, warmest people I knew, but I didn't have the heart to tell her it's because of her son. Then yesterday at swim practice, he was not following directions and she said something to me about it, wondering why he was always like that. This time I blurted out in no uncertain terms that she should have him evaluated, that she's doing him, her daughter and the rest of the family a huge disservice by not looking into this more, and that if she doesn't soon it might be too late. I told her what I thought about her husband's comments and, when she asked me if other people talked about it, I had to admit that they did. (She's very sensitive to what others think about her, so this was especially hard.) I said that it's not normal for a 9-yr-old to pitch a fit several times a day and that if he were as behind academically as he was socially, she and her DH would have had him evaluated long ago.
Although the conversation hurt her, she didn't seem to be mad at me. I told her I wasn't going to approach the subject again or ask her if she'd gotten him evaluated yet, but if she wanted to talk about it, I'd always be there.
Do you think I did the right thing or should I have butted out? What if his problems are just a part of his personality and there's nothing they can do? I don't want her to distance herself from her friends or feel ostracized. I just want this poor child to get help before it's too late.
