The “lull before the storm”

[ashaw]

Right there with ya’….. 3 yrs or so ago, I had an anxiety attack that put me in the ER. That was scary….and due to work, loss of my previous doggie, and just life in general.

I know sometimes when I am getting groceries, and I go down the aisle to get bottled water which is opposite the wines, if I am particularly stressed that day, sometimes I will
stand & look at the wine, thinking…should I get a bottle, just sip on it, etc. and then I think no, I don’t want it & I don’t need it. So I grab my water & away I go!!!

I totally understand. I’m at a place where I’ve accepted the fact that I can’t drink ever again because I cant just stop at one or two.

I was always too cheap to buy alcohol and my husband always has a well stocked bar so it was always available. Before I quit completely , I quit “publicly” but still secretly drank straight from the bottle and probably drank more than when I was pouring drinks. I don’t know how he didn’t notice how wasted I was so many times.

I found a now defunct app called pocket rehab and it was a game changer for me. I connected with other people who were sober and who were struggling and realized that these were real people just like me and if they could quit drinking then why not me? I miss the connections with others but haven’t found anything similar. Thankfully I’m strong in my sobriety now and being around alcohol no longer bothers me.

 

[ashaw]

Ashaw, you may already be aware but others may not be...

Alcoholics Anonymous and other support groups offer the social connections & support you received from that app. There are groups just for women so you don't have to worry about some guy trying to hit on you, and since the pandemic, many meet online via Zoom or other meet-up.

Thank you so much! I hid my drinking problem from my husband because 1) I didn't want to be called out by him for my drinking while he was sitting there with a drink in hand and 2) I knew that he wouldn't put the alcohol in a hidden place or even cut back/quit on my account. Years ago at his endocrinologist visit, he was told that drinking at night could cause his blood sugar to spike, then drop dangerously low during the night and because he's diabetic, he might not wake up in the morning. That didn't get through to him, he thought the doctor was ganging up on him.

The reason the app worked so well for me is because it was very discreet and I could connect with people whenever I wanted to without them knowing my name or anything about me, unless I chose to share more about me ( age, where I live, etc). There was a feature to private message someone and I made some great friendships on that app. I don't know what happened and why it went offline.

I also knew what happened the last time I told him I needed to talk to someone about anxiety. It got brushed off and well, 8 months later I did finally land in front of a counselor, but it was in the aftermath of the affair with Paul. I did talk to my counselor about my drinking and said "you don't have a drinking problem, you have a coping problem." Now, its like the stress that once drove me to alcohol is repelling me away. And I'm thankful that I'm rolling into year 3 sober. Its really flown by too. It was like I was sober about a month and a half, then my husband and I got covid and it seemed like I kept getting stronger and realized that I'd made Labor Day, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and suddenly it was 2021. I think stepping back from stuff with his family helped too. I remember Christmas Eve 2019 at his sister's house. I grabbed wine as soon as we got there and listening to some of his family brag about stuff just annoyed me to no end. My wine glass was always full. Then I drank rum before church and was wasted by dinnertime. Ugh, I'll never forget that Christmas Day hangover. It was awful. I realized that I was letting people control my behavior and numb whatever feeling it was with alcohol.

I think that's why I felt so proud of myself for standing up and dealing with Kevin and the whole texting thing. I finally took control of a situation instead of always yielding to others because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings. I remember how quickly the situation with Paul went from texting to intimacy. I saw the writing on the wall with Kevin and it scared me big time. I've seen him a few times since and even told him that my husband has told me I tend to be too friendly with people and I don't want my friendliness to be mistaken for something else. The confidence from being sober has certainly carried over into other areas of my life.