Temperamental 10 year old... how should I punish her?

MidgetDogg

MidgetDogg

Cathlete
My 10 year old is easily frustrated and tends to take it out on inanimate objects. I've repeatedly told her not to hit my MacBook when something isn't working right on the Internet. I can't seem to get it through her head that the Internet's shortcomings are not the fault of my Mac. I tell her "quit hitting my computer, you're going to break it!" So, last night I went to the grocery store and she was working on her math homework on a website that her teacher assigned.

When I walked in the door, I hear her yell for me from upstairs, "Mommy! Come upstairs and DON'T KILL ME!!!" Not a good sign, right? I go in her room and she's bawling on her bed, hysterical, and I get out of her between her sobs that she was entering her answers that were right, but the website kept saying they were wrong, and she hit the monitor and "put a dent in it".

I go down and look.... not a dent... cracked. My $2k laptop that I use for work, music, photos... everything... I've already had to rebuild the guts of it once because of liquid damage. So, call it a $2800 laptop.

I've never been so furious with her, and I can't remember the last time I've been so angry with anyone. I had to stay out of her room for a few minutes because all I wanted to do was go up and scream at her. I was able to calm down by reminding myself there was already something wrong with the monitor (loose wire or something) and it needed to be fixed. So I just decided that the loose wire would have required the replacement of the monitor anyway (nevermind that the loose wire probably happened from the OTHER times she'd hit the monitor), and I was able to calm down enough to get past it.

I thought about the time I rear-ended someone in my mother's car when I was 17 and how she didn't make a huge deal out of it and that worse things will happen as she gets older. And that one of my favorite sayings is, "you don't believe you don't want to get hit by a train until you get hit by a train". So now she nows WHY I didn't want her hitting the screen.

Still... punishment is warranted and this is not an area where I have a lot of experience. She's a good kid and punishment has really never been an issue. All I could think of is to make her do extra math homework for 2 weeks. Lame, right? It will probably cost me a few hundred dollars to fix. Should I ban her from the computer (once it's back) for a month? Does that seem harsh enough?
 
She should not be allowed to use your computer unless you are sitting right next to her. - and I know that is a pain - This should be the rule.

But more important - your child is showing anger issues. You need to try to find the root of the problem and see if it can be fixed before she hits a person or throws or hits something at school and then will be expelled.
 
Is there a way, she can "work it off", have her do extra chores or something for the next couple of months in addition to revoking her rights to your laptop?

Also, not that I think you should reward her for this, but maybe sometime down the line you should buy her a cheaper computer for her to do her homework on.
 
I'd make her pay for the repairs. Seriously. Does she get an allowance? Money for Christmas? Birthday coming up? If she were in my house, she'd be paying for it. Along with no computer time for a month or so, homework be damned. And she can explain to her teacher why she can't do the homework and she can come up with another way to work it out.

DS lost our Nintendo DS last year at Christmastime (he was 8 then) after being told not to take it to school. He bought the new one. Christmas and birthday money down the drain, but I wasn't buying a new one. Plus, it was everyone's, not just his. It was also no video games at all for a month. Couldn't play the new Christmas video games. Boo-freakin-hoo!

Harsh punishment? Maybe. But he knew he wasn't supposed to take it to school, just as your daughter knew she wasn't supposed to hit the computer.

Lesson learned? Most definitely.

Nan
 
ImFiddY said:
She should not be allowed to use your computer unless you are sitting right next to her. - and I know that is a pain - This should be the rule.

But more important - your child is showing anger issues. You need to try to find the root of the problem and see if it can be fixed before she hits a person or throws or hits something at school and then will be expelled.
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I agree. First that when you do get your computer back I think she should lose time on it no matter what - a week maybe - a month is pretty long. And that she be closely supervised when she does get it back.

And second, from years of experience attempting to parent my now teenage kids with autism, add, mood, etc. Take care of what is causing the anger now before it becomes ingrained. Is that the only way she shows aggression? Does anything else set her off? Sounds like she's got some low frustration tolerance and it may be as simple a fix as finding her some self-calming techniques.

Good luck!
 
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spyrosmom said:
I'd make her pay for the repairs. Seriously. Does she get an allowance? Money for Christmas? Birthday coming up? If she were in my house, she'd be paying for it. Along with no computer time for a month or so, homework be damned. And she can explain to her teacher why she can't do the homework and she can come up with another way to work it out.

DS lost our Nintendo DS last year at Christmastime (he was 8 then) after being told not to take it to school. He bought the new one. Christmas and birthday money down the drain, but I wasn't buying a new one. Plus, it was everyone's, not just his. It was also no video games at all for a month. Couldn't play the new Christmas video games. Boo-freakin-hoo!

Harsh punishment? Maybe. But he knew he wasn't supposed to take it to school, just as your daughter knew she wasn't supposed to hit the computer.

Lesson learned? Most definitely.

Nan
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ITA. She needs to know there are consequences for her actions otherwise she's going to continue hitting things. I would also look into teaching her how to deal with her anger and frustration in a more appropriate manner.
 
I'm not so worried about "anger issues", I do the same thing when I'm frustrated - only I've learned to stomp my foot instead. She never hits people or acts violently towards them and is considered the "sweet" kid in school. I do think she needs a better outlet for the frustration. Other than the foot stomp (which usually just makes me laugh because it's such a ridiculous thing to do), I will play the piano or go for a walk. She obviously can't be going off for a walk by herself, but she can play the piano. I'm thinking that I will do the computer ban. I may be dumping cable too for a few months if the bill for the repair is too high. There's never anything on anyway.
 
I'd say she's lost her computer priveledges indefinitely. Her school certainly has computer labs, if she's expected to do her homework that way. She can stay after school every day until it gets done. Or go to the library, or something. But she would NOT be using my laptop again, especially since this is recurring issue.
The last straw, if you will.

Since her allowance is still coming out of your pocket, "making her pay for it" really doesn't mean anything. She needs to understand that consequences go beyond having to do chores.

And long term, I have to agree with another poster than said to get her her own desktop. They're cheap, these days, and then SHE can worry about upkeep on it if it fails to work because she hits it. It's her problem to manage.

Finally, I work in the industry, and replacing the screen on a laptop is VERY expensive. Think $700-900, unless you have a particular warranty to cover it (most standard warranties don't, be sure to read the Ts and Cs). I might include her in your conversations with the repair people so she understands what's happened, and not that you're "just mad".
 
Been there. Dealt w/ that. :confused:

First, do not let a 10 year child use a $2000 computer. Period. ESPECIALLY, if they've abused it even once. NEVER, EVER!

The cost of any repair on a computer is more than the cost of cheap desktop or netbook so you don't save any $$ by letting her use your computer that has your life on it.

It's not really practical to have her stay after school as it means you'll have to pick her up (I assume) creating more work for you. Tell her teacher that she no longer has access to a computer for the time being and that your DD needs paper worksheets to do her homework or time allotted during the day (recess?) to use the school computers.

Finally, YES, MAKE HER EARN HALF THE REPAIR COST! Does she get $$ or gift cards for Xmas or her birthday? If so, those $$ goes toward her share. Kids will learn the value of goods if they have to work for them. Even if it means it comes out of your pocket, she will earn "sweat equity" by actually doing the work. Make her do what you do: laundry, dishes, cleaning bathrooms (even toilets), vacuuming, picking up stuff & putting it away, yardwork. Decide on values for each chore. Create a worksheet & post in the fridge so she can see her progress toward her goal. Decide how many $$ per day she has to earn at a minimum and ideally, make sure she fully "repays" her portion in 3 months or less. No TV or video game time until she does her daily allotment.

My kids have broken things and this is how we handled it--especially when the situation was preventable. (Genuine,unforeseeable accidents are another issue.) Also, when my kids wanted an ipod or a computer, I made them pay half the cost for them so they'd appreciate how much they are worth. They did it just as I outlined above, doing chores & using gift $$.

It's actually a good thing your DD showed so much remorse for what she did. If she hadn't, you'd have a MUCH bigger problem on your hands.

HTH and good luck getting your computer repaired. BTW, always get the Apple repair coverage. It's worth it and it covers way more than you'd expect.
 
I think somewhere in all this, she needs to know that the bigger issue is that she disobeyed you. Maybe bring up that when you tell her something, you mean it, and that next time she ignores what you have told her to do or not do, she will be punished BEFORE something as major as this happens.
 
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I'd think of it less as punishment and more as consequences for her behavior, and try to keep the consequences as natural as possible, e.g. if a grown-up gets too many speeding tickets, they lose their driving license, not their license to practice their profession. In this case, a natural consequence would be computer access and financial cost. (Extra math homework doesn't really have to do with the problem; that would be a good consequence for repeatedly not doing her math homework.) She's only ten, so financially it may not be feasible for her to contribute significantly to your computer repair, but some kind of token contribution on her part would send the right message. In terms of computer priviledges, it sounds like she needs to be supervised on the computer. Perhaps a period of weeks/months where she only uses the computer for homework, and only when supervised by an adult?
 
Yeah, I think you're right. I've decided she will not be able to use the computer at all for a month (except for homework) and then with supervision. I lucked out. Just got back from the Genius Bar at Apple and they're replacing it without charge. Just at the end of my warranty. Good thing, because it would've cost me $300 if they sent it out, or $600 if they did it in house. Of course, I would've gone for the $300 deal. I'm not telling her that I don't have to pay.
 
My daughter would not have used my computer after the 2nd time she demononstrated such behavior, at least until she showed some maturity in handling frustration with inanimate objects. That would include homework assignments that require a computer. I would tell the teacher that she does not have access to a computer at home.

I'm sure you'll figure out how to punish her. Good luck!
 
Yeah, I know.... I need to get tough on her. I've shot an email over to her guidance counsellor to see if he has recommendations on how we can have a more positive outlet for the frustrated outbursts. I have this same personality trait, so I totally understand the feeling she had. But... I also know what can and can't be hit.

I have a crappy little Dell laptop that I bought last year and it's a nightmare. Useless basically and a complete waste of money. I don't really want to ban her from using my Mac because she likes to make these really cute little video stories with her Littlest Pet Shops and Breyer Horses. I'm teaching her how to edit them and add effects & music. They're actually quite clever and entertaining. She's an only child, so it's a nice thing for her to do when she's bored.

When you wrap the whole thing up, and I don't have do pay anything to get it fixed, I can consider it a good learning experience for her. She was relating her reaction to breaking it, the thoughts that were going through her head, and the fear and remorse she was feeling, after we had calmed down and it really did have an impact on her. A bit of an eye opener. Now the time has come for her to earn the priviledges back.
 
I'd also add in that the next time she breaks something of mine, I get to break something of hers. The first time you break something of hers that matters, that will really sink in for her because it will have a personal impact to her.
 
I agree with TeTe. Your daughter disobeyed you and furthermore she disrespected your property, which is disrespecting you. This is something I do not tolerate from my 2 daughters.

But I think a total ban from using your computer again, once you have it repaired or replaced, is a suitable punishment. She will need to request permission to use expensive items of your property.

Her computer needs can be met by school, the local library, the adaptation to the limitations of this is pretty good punishment! She'll hate the inconvenience and the need to plan ahead.

I would keep this ban in place indefinitely, until she proves she can respect you and your property and she matures a little.

My sympathies to you, been there and done that! But I think your instincts on this are pretty accurate, so follow them.

Clare
 
spyrosmom said:
DS lost our Nintendo DS last year at Christmastime (he was 8 then) after being told not to take it to school. He bought the new one. Christmas and birthday money down the drain, but I wasn't buying a new one. Plus, it was everyone's, not just his. It was also no video games at all for a month. Couldn't play the new Christmas video games. Boo-freakin-hoo!

Nan
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O.K. That last line just killed me. I really needed a laugh tonight. Thanks for making that happen for me!!!! :D

Bam
 
I would tell your daughter the truth. You got lucky and didn't have to pay for the repair. But she is no longer permitted to use your computer. I would buy her a cheap one just for her to use. Yes there are all those special projects she likes to work on with your computer and now she will not be able to and those are the consequences of her actions. Somewhere down the road maybe you can allow her to get back to her special projects but I would definitely wait and see. Maybe you could buy her a computer of her own as a holiday present.
 
NY25 said:
I'd also add in that the next time she breaks something of mine, I get to break something of hers. The first time you break something of hers that matters, that will really sink in for her because it will have a personal impact to her.
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Does breaking something of hers really solve the problem? I mean actually breaking something of hers to me, shows the wrong message.
 
I'd say a combination of no computer use for a certain period of time, then supervised use after that, and her having to do chores or something to help 'pay for' repairs or for her own computer.

I wouldn't get her her own computer for Christmas: it's something she would have to earn by future behavior, not a 'reward' for disobedience (which is kind of what it would feel like if she were to get it too soon).
 
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